.SOMETIMES RAW.

So, the other day I got a lecture on running on my way to work from a guy I know. He had the best running equipment and gear you can imagine, looked super fit and all I said when I saw him doing some stretching was, “Good morning. Had a nice run?”

His response: Have you tried running? It’s exhilarating. Really, I mean it. Running changed my life. Before running, I’d order pasta without telling everyone I was carbo-loading. But now, I make sure everyone understands that even my food consumption is in service of my new favorite activity. Carbonara just tastes better when you’re lecturing about which glycogen levels best fuel a daily run.

And since getting into running, I’ve bought some truly special specialty gear. I have a full dresser devoted solely to moisture-wicking T-shirts, moisture-wicking leggings, and moisture-wicking socks. Any moisture that tries to come close to me will instantly be wicked. Check out these shoes. They cost two hundred dollars, and the salesperson told me I’ll get shin splints if I don’t replace them every three months. I also bought a special ointment to rub on my nipples.

It’s been so fulfilling to devote myself to becoming good at exercise. The only person I’m trying to beat is me, you know? You don’t know? Don’t worry. I’ll repeat it every opportunity I get so you can never forget it.

Actually, I feel passionately that running is both exercise and a sport. It’s also a way of life. Ask me to explain it sometime. Or don’t. I still will.

Incessantly talking about running is a great conversation starter. I can tell people love to hear about it by how they pull out their phones whenever I bring it up. I usually take that as my opportunity to tell whomever I’m talking to that running is best done with a buddy, and they should text me to get started on a training regimen. Because even though the only person I’m trying to beat is myself, I like beating other people too.

Speaking of racing, we should prepare for a marathon together. Marathons are awesome. Did you know the length of a marathon is based on the legend of Pheidippides, a Greek messenger who ran twenty-six miles and then dropped dead? But don’t let that worry you. They didn’t have moisture-wicking technology in ancient Greece. And I’ll bet Pheidippides wasn’t even committed to a training regimen. Speaking of, I’ll text you the details so we can start gearing up for next season’s race.

Running is the sport of the people. It’s accessible to everyone—you just put on your sneakers and go. Oh, but depending on which marathon we want to run, it could cost thousands of dollars. So start saving.

All the money I’ve spent on running is entirely worth it. Running cured my depression. When you’re running, all your troubles and concerns just melt away. It’s beautiful. You become really present because running wears away the cartilage in your hip, knee, and ankle joints, which causes such intense pain that you lose the ability to focus on anything else.

Running cured my cancer too. Or it would, if I was ever diagnosed with cancer. And if I were, I’d tell everyone at the chemo-treatment center that they should also try running—if they want to live, anyway.

I’d also tell the other patients that one time I ran a 5K to raise money for cancer research. So, my running has actually helped cure cancer when you think about it. You’re welcome, medical community.

Seriously, you’re going to love running. I used to pop a THC gummy now and then, but you haven’t lived until you’ve experienced a runner’s high. It’s totally different. Weed gets you high without you having to do any work. But a runner’s high comes after you’ve been in the most excruciating pain of your entire life.

And that pain? It lasts at least an hour. Maybe two. Potentially longer. Your body literally thinks something is wrong on a chemical level. Your brain isn’t getting enough oxygen, so it feels like you’re in danger, like you’re one stride away from dropping dead. Just like that Pheidippides guy. But you don’t die, at least not most of the time. Instead, you start to feel this unbelievable, intense euphoria. It’s amazing.

Or so I’ve heard. I’ve been running for only a few weeks, so I have yet to experience it.

But that’s the beauty of running. The only person I’m trying to beat is myself. Bet I can get to that next corner before you.

I just inhaled and exhaled deeply and took a bite in my yet still warm croissant.

Welcome to motherhood. It’s the hardest job on earth but also FUN and not hard. It’s the longest, shortest time. It’s organic but also Doritos. The rules are simple, not contradictory, but also not rules, because we are play-based.

1. You must never be boring, but also don’t be fun, or else they won’t respect you as a parent.

2. You must curate a schedule of sports, academics, and whimsy, but don’t curate it so it will be child-led.


3. Infants must learn to swim with you holding them, or they could drown in a bucket, but also not rely on you to swim.

4. Cribs should contain one twenty-thread count sheet and be free of comfort items in a way only monastic monks could understand, but also make it cozy.

5. You must sleep-train your baby before the four-month regression, the six-month regression, and learning leaps.
 But also don’t pressure them or they will have abandonment issues and form a goth band.

6. You must create a curriculum of brain-stimulating activities—a box of old-timey keys, brick bits from a pueblo in New Mexico, or rain in a jar.
 But also don’t focus on academics.

7. You must make organic meals but also not be a snob, so let them eat cupcakes made from Blue No. 5 and petroleum at birthday parties.

8. You must pretend-play and create scenes with your child about a no-eyed cat and her toilet-paper-roll friend Roger in outer space. But also don’t be your child’s playmate.

9. You must get them into an Ivy league school, but also send them to public school to help sustain community.


10. You must support school lunches but also pack a back-up healthy lunch of cucumbers wrapped in seaweed pants.

11. You must be safety conscious but also not hover or be a helicopter mom.


12. You must teach them to be socially independent but also curate playdates for them.


13. You must teach them stranger danger but also to be friendly to strangers.


14. You must allow only the appropriate amount of screen time, which is zero.

15. You must learn how to make a DIY kite out of old newspapers but also buy a store-bought one when the lumbering piece of sky garbage won’t fly in wind that doesn’t give a shit about decorative pom-poms.

16. You must get your baby to latch correctly so they get enough milk for a healthy weight, but also not so much that they become an obese baby or a body-conscious baby. A baby who is happy with their weight, not skinny, but also zaftig in the way that still looks sexy in clothes.


17. You must enjoy this time but also don’t enjoy it, because it will be your fault if your child isn’t a success and takes naps at McDonald’s. But also that’s honest work.

18. You must know how to survive a fire, hurricane, pandemic, or alien invasion. You must be able to make a spreadsheet, fold a fitted sheet, sheet cake, lullaby, and a leprechaun trap. You should be an expert at getting stains out, finding stars, telling jokes, home-cooking, hosting dance parties, playing dead, riding escalators, watching “this,” diving for Barbies, finding schools with chickens, and getting good GPAs. You must also be good at teaching how to tie shoelaces, learning stages of development, gentle parenting, not gentle parenting, free-range parenting, parenting without borders, time-outs, consent, talent shows, ghost stories, growing pains, the alphabet, volcanoes, and middle school. But also don’t be a know-it-all parent.

If you follow these simple, not contradictory rules, you will be a good mom, but also not a mom, because we are also stardust persons with decision fatigue.

We are writing to inform you that Your Body (“you,” “yourself,” “your aging body”) has updated its terms of service, which apply to the use of all your Parts and Areas.

We encourage you to review the updated Terms before you attempt any dangerous activity, such as playing with your dog or walking uphill. Our other legal policies are available in our Depressing Policy Center.

The Updated Terms

I. Food and Beverage

a. Alcohol No alcohol at all. The best choice ever.

b. Caffeine is one of three good things that exist. The others are love and the Fleetwood Mac album Rumours. However, like the relationship between Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham, your body’s relationship to caffeine is a productive yet fraught dance. If you consume any caffeine after 1 p.m., you won’t get any sleep and will wake up hating the world. Other People’s Bodies can consume caffeine until 3 or 4 p.m. or even have an espresso after dinner. You aren’t them and never will be. Also, if you have more than two (2) cups in a day, you will become convinced that there must be some kind of “demon” inside your chest and you will never be normal again.

c. Despite your many lobbying efforts, chocolate is still not considered their own food group on the pyramid and should not be treated as such.

d. Drinking prodigious amounts of water won’t solve any of your problems, but not drinking prodigious amounts of water can certainly make a few of them worse.

II. Exercise
a. Your Body and Mind require 4–6 days of exercise per week, unless you want to go to sleep hating the world. Unfortunately, every kind of exercise that you enjoy causes Your Body’s back, knees, or ankles to enter “The Zone of Desolation.” Ashtanga Yoga works best for your body.

b. If any physical pain ever starts to feel depressing, it could help to look on the bright side: if you were a hunter-gatherer, you’d probably be dead by now.

III. The Life of the Mind
a. In college, you would read one hundred pages per day and write an essay every week. Now, any paragraph of any news article that “seems long” gets skimmed, and you frequently question the names of your friends’ children. For this reason, you are encouraged to skip all news and reread the entire works of Virginia Woolf and stick with it even if a character is described with avian features, like having a “beak of a nose” or “the broad face and intense glare of an owl,” which you really hate for some reason.

b. Saying Italian place or food names with an Italian accent doesn’t count as “practicing your Italian,” so you are encouraged to stop believing that saying “alooooora” with a long o is doing anything, mentally-wise. Learn another language. French, Japanese, anything that makes you happy.

IV. Which Organs Still Work

a. Your kidneys seem fine.

b. Your pancreas hasn’t set off any alarms (yet).

c. Liver is in very good shape. Thank you for not drinking.

V. Which Organs Are Touch-and-Go

a. Brain.

b. Eyes.

c. Ears.

d. Skin.

e. Lungs.

f. Stomach.

g. All the other ones.

VI. Psychology

a. Abundant studies demonstrate that staying optimistic about the future helps one remain active and engaged in one’s community, family, and personal wellness. If you ever start to believe that life is a one-way escalator moving downward, ever downward, it is recommended that you stop thinking that somehow.

b. It is crucial to cultivate one’s mind-body connection. Reading a study about the benefits of meditation and saying, “I should keep doing that,” is an important first step in realizing that you have no follow-through.

VII. Service

a. As you mature and move forward in life, you ought to give more of yourself to your community. Since you have so much to offer in terms of physical abilities, wisdom, charm, or general usefulness, consider opening a tiny bookstore.

b. You aren’t old enough for people to feel like they should serve you by mowing your lawn or bringing you food that is easy to reheat, but if you keep making intensely mediocre decisions, those days will arrive very soon.

VIII. Benefits

a. Your age has earned you the right to be cranky. You are allowed, whenever you wish, to say things like “All leaf blowers must die” and “As far as I’m concerned, any grocery store that forces you to use self-checkout machines should be considered a terrorist organization.”

b. Once per week, you are allowed to shudder when thinking about what high school would have been like if social media had been around then.

c. If you ever end up having the feeling that you cannot take it anymore, take a deep breath and tell yourself that this too shall pass.

Moving Forward

You need not take any action regarding this alarming notice. By continuing to utilize your Parts and Movements on or after today, you agree to the updated Terms. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to contact your Prefrontal Cortex or your Limbic System.