SOMETIMES RAW

As a reader and writer, I am inherently and unstoppably nosy. I love to read about how other people live their lives: when they wake up, what they eat for breakfast, how they work, where they go on morning walks, whether they drink coffee or tea, how they unwind in the evenings. I also long for extremely specific details. What’s their preferred coffee cup? The books on their shelves? Favourite flowers to put on the table? How their bookshelves look?

I’m not quite sure why it’s so comforting to watch someone else make coffee, go shopping, or read quietly in a sushi restaurant, but, for me at least, it really, really is.

Of course, most films and books are interested in these ordinary moments – they’re what a life is made of. But the films I share below luxuriate in the small things with more ceremony than necessary, I think. They’re celebrated with a quiet, tender warmth that seems to say, this matters.

Take Haley Lu Richardson’s character, Casey, in Columbus (2017), who we see make herself a cup of coffee, quietly and unhurried, all the way from boiling the water to pouring it over the Chemex. We don’t need to see all of the details – and it doesn’t need to be the sole focus on the screen for so long – but it is, wonderfully.

This post follows on from my collection of soothing books and movies about noticing the little things, and I will recommend a few favourites again because they’re perfect. As one lovely example, savour the gorgeous seasonal snapshots from Little Forest (2018):

Similarly, feast on the visual gorgeousness of Studio Ghibli movies, especially my absolute favourite Only Yesterday and its contemplative moments in nature:

Much of this is also inspired by The Anthropologists, one of my favourite slice-of-life books of the last few years (and in some ways a less scathing version of Perfection, Vincenzo Latronico’s 2022 bestseller). It’s not about much beyond a young couple browsing apartments, but it feels remarkably full – like life, really. And look at this cover!

Here’s a nice little excerpt to help you decide whether you’ll enjoy (or feel lulled to sleep by) The Anthropologists:

Daily Life

Manu left home early to go to work at the nonprofit organization on the other side of the city. While he made breakfast, I made a pot of coffee and sat with him at the table in pajamas. It was a ritual of sorts, sitting across from each other, face-to-face. There were few rituals to our lives, certainly none that carried any history, at least not the history of traditions, of nations and faiths. So these small things mattered. I would make sure to sit with him at the table.

Personally, I love it, as well as Savas’s short stories in Long Distance.

But anyway! Time for more movies – and complementary books – all of them quiet odes to small moments, little details, and everyday blessings.

Our Little Sister (2015), directed by Hirokazu Kore-eda

This feels like: sitting around a kotatsu table with siblings who care deeply for you, and showing love through good food, genuine smiles, warmth, and kindness.

The same feeling in books: Hirayasumi by Keigo Shinzo, Miss Ruki by Fumiko Takano,  Two Women Living Together by Kim Hana and Hwang Sunwoo, and perhaps there’s something of Anne of Green Gables.

“Let’s live together, the four of us.” Three adult sisters invite their teenage half-sister to live with them after their estranged father dies, and oh, what a life it is: sharing home-cooked meals, picking plums, and being surrounded by genuine love. Our Little Sister is joy distilled in a movie; it’s two hours of good people being kind in a beautiful place.

I considered calling Our Little Sister a grown-up Ghibli film, but I’m not sure if that’s true – there’s still so much childhood innocence and essentially no drama or grown-up stresses. Rather, it’s Ghibli through a camera lens, switching the hand-drawn artwork, brought to life with watercolours and acrylics, for gorgeous slice-of-life shots as the sisters go about their lovely days together. It’s such a delight.

Perfect Days (2023), directed by Wim Wenders:

This feels like: the quiet routines of everyday life, including getting iced coffee from the vending machine, reading books, listening to music on your drive back from work, and eating alone in little restaurants.

The same feeling in books: The Walking Man or The Solitary Gourmet by Jiro Taniguchi, A Thousand Feasts by Nigel Slater.

If you’ve read much of my writing here, you might be bored of all the mentions of Perfect Days. And I’m sorry. But it’s one of my favourite movies, and I think it’s magnificent. Just watch this trailer. The everyday routines! The moments of blissful solitude! Paying attention to the light through the trees! Driving while listening to Nina Simone! It’s a wonder. Please do watch it if you haven’t already.

Paterson (2016), directed by Jim Jarmusch

This feels like: Perfect Days if Hirayama were a happily married bus driver with an English Bulldog in Paterson, New Jersey.

The same feeling in books: Convenience Store Woman by Sayaka Murata, maybe?

I don’t love Paterson quite as much as Perfect Days, but it’s almost radical (very quietly, gently so) how wonderfully content it is. If you could do with some inspiration to spend your spare moments in a happily offline and mindful way, rejoice in Paterson writing poetry on the beauty of matchboxes, walking his dog Marvin, or sitting in the local bar chatting to other regulars.

It’s also a glorious celebration of hobbies, amateur art, and being creative – writing poetry, making curtains, learning the guitar – for the sheer joy of it. Delightfully, none of these hobbies and creative projects are monetised or even really shared with the world. It’s also very low on drama. (Who’d have thought that having a loving relationship and hobbies you adore could make you happy?)

And there are bookshelf shots! Some highlights: The Soul of an Octopus by Sy Montgomery, Paterson by William Carlos Williams, The New York Trilogy by Paul Auster.

Paterson also has a wonderful top review on Letterboxd:

Kamome Diner (2006), directed by Naoko Ogigami

This feels like: finding a community of good people who relish life’s simple pleasures in a little Japanese cafe in Helsinki.

The same feeling in books: Welcome to the Hyunam-dong Bookshop by Hwang Bo-reum.

Japanese vibes. A Scandinavian setting. And slow attention to good food and coffee… Kamome Diner ticks so many boxes of things I love. As the most whimsical choice on this list, Kamome Diner is the spectacularly comforting story of Sachie, a Japanese woman who opens a cafe specialising in onigiri in Finland. If you’re having a bad day (or a medium one, or even a good one), please watch this.

In the vein of Welcome to the Hyunam-dong Bookshop (which author Hwang Bo-reum has shared was inspired by Kamome Diner), each customer brings something that Sachie needs to the cafe, whether that’s help making the perfect cup of coffee, the words to an old Japanese anime (Gatchaman) intro song, or just plain good company. In exchange, Sachie brews excellent coffee and serves onigiri rice balls (“Japanese soul food,” she explains to a Finnish customer).

You can also enjoy Sachie’s daily routine, including swimming at the beautiful Yrjönkatu pool (Finland’s oldest swimming hall, also known for its optional swimwear policy and all-nude rule before 2001), shopping at the market, and doing a gentle aikido squat routine before bed.

Other joys: foraging for chanterelles as sunlight filters through the forest canopy, baking cinnamon buns, and cycling along the lakes. And characters read Tove Jansson, drink out of Moomin mugs, and share Moomin trivia!

Columbus (2017), directed by Kogonada

This feels like: looking at modernist architecture with unhurried and gentle attention while getting to know a new friend and talking about life’s big and small things.

The same feeling in books: Victory Point by Owen D. Pomery – a stunning graphic novel about a young woman who returns to her hometown (built as an architectural experiment) and ponders how to move forward in her life.

Columbus feels more serious than most of the other picks on this list. It’s a film built around one character’s grief and another’s stagnant ambition, stuck in her hometown to keep tabs on her mother.

But it’s also stylistically stunning – all clean lines, symmetry, and cool, deliberate artsiness. The little details are also gorgeously observed: making sandwiches, knitting on the sofa, making pour-over coffee, and most of all, quietly admiring buildings. The buildings of Columbus – in modernist haven Columbus, Indiana –are almost characters themselves, quietly listening and perhaps even healing somehow.

While admiring Casey’s (Haley Lu Richardson) flip phone, you’d be forgiven for thinking the film was set in the 2000s, but when this is mocked by Jin (John Cho), she quips: “I don’t even know why you waste your data… Smart phone, dumb human.” (Casey explains she uses her phone “for phone calls” – “I have a dumb phone, no internet.” Jin asks: “Does this make you feel better than everybody?” She replies, maybe unconvincingly, “Hardly.”)

About Time (2013), directed by Richard Curtis

This feels like: slowly learning to appreciate life as it comes, in every beautifully imperfect detail. 

The same feeling in books: I am trying not to say The Time Traveler’s Wife, but I can’t think of anything more original. I need more recommendations here!

About Time is a bit different from the other films on this list. Tim (Domhnall Gleeson) can travel through time, allowing him to correct every faux pas and always have a second chance. But what if, Tim slowly learns, life is best lived exactly as it is?

This is a Richard Curtis film (of Love Actually and Notting Hill fame), but it’s not a simple rom-com, I promise. There’s such beautiful attention to the magic found in ordinary moments – walks along the beach, time spent with loved ones who won’t always be there, growing as a family – alongside awareness of time itself, which makes watching this so special.

Hirayasumi (2025)

This feels like: living a simple, carefree life, even if you don’t have a fancy job like your friends. That and connecting with others by preparing delicious food (tonkatsu, yakitori, curry) for them and shouting that lunch is ready. Oh, and befriending elderly ladies in your neighbourhood. 

The same feeling in books: The obvious answer is the original manga, Hirayasumi by Keigo Shinzo. Also, the delightfully whimsical Miss Ruki by Fumiko Takano, of which Shinzo wrote, “To read it is to grasp something of the essence of Japan…. This is the kind of manga I want to draw.” 

Hirayasumi! I’ve loved the manga by Keigo Shinzo for a while now – it’s manga for people who don’t think they like manga. Here and in the fifteen-minute episodes of the TV adaptation, you’ll meet Hiroto, a super chill guy who reminds me of a friend of mine with his sometimes baffling carefree approach to life. You’ll also meet Hiroto’s cousin Natsumi, an 18-year-old art student, who comes to live with him. 

As with many of my recommendations, nothing really happens here at all, and that is all part of its magic. Enjoy!

Thank you for reading! I could keep writing and writing and writing, and I have a list of many other movies that could fit here (Amélie, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, maybe Boyhood?) There are also those I’ve heard good things about but haven’t watched (Certified Copy, Chef, Before Sunrise, many Ozu movies), but that would keep this a work in progress for far longer than it already has. So for now, I hope this tops up your to-watch and to-read lists! I’d also love to hear what you’d add .

April 8

So today was weird again. Another day of building that stupid dam, trying to fit into the gender and species molds God chose for me. Trying to pretend my life isn’t one confusing thought after another—or that I have even the slightest innate interest in dam building. I am so going through the motions. Something particularly awkward happened today when I was watching Eric drag a willow branch into the river—I totally got turned on. For the first time, I was able to ignore his beaver exterior and simply relish his maleness. Maybe it was seeing how strong he is. It didn’t hurt that he was all wet, either. Then I looked over and Karen was giving me a huge smile from across the dam. Poor thing—if she only knew I think of her as a sister/pet and nothing else, she’d be devastated.

April 23

I just want to crawl out of this stupid fur! I hate it. I hate it so much. I’m so boyish/rodentish, I want to die. I want to wear a skirt and have voluptuous hips to hang the skirt on, not these stupid doughy hindquarters. I swear these oil sacs near my anus are the only things keeping me sane right now. If I have to have fur like this, at least it’s got a decent sheen to it.

June 1

I’m thinking about leaving the den. For real this time. I don’t know what else to do with this sham of a life I’m living. The other alternative is to tell everyone at dinner tonight about who I really am underneath my man and beaver exteriors. But I’m sure they’ll ostracize me from the colony—everyone’s so weird in this fucking lodge.

June 22

This is not my penis. It belongs to someone else. I don’t know what’s more repulsive to me—my penis or this freaking tail. I could seriously play tennis with this thing.

July 8

We were dragging timber today through the muddiest marsh I’ve ever seen. My fur was black by the time we finished. I’m fine with getting a little dirty, but this mud was so silty and got all caked under my nails. I spent like an hour trying to scrape it out against a stick. Everyone was staring at me, wondering what I was doing. Oh, I don’t know, maybe just trying to maintain some fantasy of humanity/femininity. Sorry.

August 21

I totally gorged myself on bark and moss today. Do I still get my period? These hormones are driving me nuts. Off to the next snack-run. Yummy, some duckweed and and fern. Yuk!

September 3

It’s almost breeding season again. Karen’s going to be all over me again, wondering why I’m flaccid as a water lily. We’ve missed three seasons already, so I guess I understand why she takes it so personally. I feel sick when she looks up at me—those big brown eyes wondering why I don’t find her attractive. And all I want to say to her is that it’s because she’s female and a beaver. But instead I keep telling her it’s because of a timber-related injury I sustained when I was younger. She’s buying it for now—I just hope she doesn’t see me fully engorged when Eric passes by carrying a log in his beautiful mouth.

November 15

What does a beaver have to do to get swept up in the talons of a goddamned hawk! Seriously—I couldn’t be more out in the freaking open. I even faked a limp, for Christ’s sake. I see you up there circling—what kind of lame-ass predators are you guys? Is it because I’m too fat? Is that it? Are you worried you won’t be able to fly away with me because I’m such a whale right now? It didn’t stop you from grabbing Brenda last spring, and she had some serious junk in her trunk. This is some serious bullshit.

January 18

I know that I haven’t written in quite some time. The black quilt of winter has descended upon us. Bodies piled upon bodies—our lodge buried under inches of ice. Maybe this is the darkness talking, but I have resigned myself to this double … double life. As spring emerges, so will I. But not the true me, the true me I’m afraid will never emerge. Not in this life. As for now, my only wish is for one of these bucktoothed bastards to pop an air bubble or something—it smells like complete ass in here.

Recently, at work, I struck up a conversation with a new mom holding her tiny baby. “He’s adorable,” I told her. She looked up at me with teary eyes. “He’s growing up so quickly, it makes me sad.”

Through the years, many new moms have told me the same thing, and I remember feeling that way, too. My friends especially worry about their sweet kids growing into surly teens. But recently, the biggest realization I’ve had is…teenagers are pretty funny.

Of course, there are highs and lows, as with all stages (sometimes you want to pull your hair out), but overall, parenting teenagers has been my favorite chapter yet. I hadn’t expected that at all.

Sometimes I worry about losing the connection with my funny son as he gets older, and, when I mentioned this to a friend the other day, she replied: “It will be just the way it is now, only he’ll be a sweet-hearted young man, and you will feel very short.”

I hadn’t realized that raising a teenage boy would involve all the tenderness of a violin spilling out a persistent heartbreaking melody in the background — and also, of course, all the crash-banging of a drum set. But it’s both things all the time. The main rule is to love these big kids fiercely and excessively. Here are some other tips that work for me:

1. Teach them to respect others in the way of real, human equals with rights, intelligence, and space on the subway.

2. Enjoy the same funny conversations you’ve always had, especially while walking in the woods or cuddling on the couch. “How many pieces of Kinderriegel do you think I could eat?” he might ask, and then look aghast when you say ten.

3. Love them for sleeping late. The only other option is to not love them for sleeping late, since sleeping late is itself a given. They’re creating many inches of new human flesh a day, and it’s exhausting! (Remember pregnancy?) When they stagger out at 2 p.m. with their man-sized arms and legs and their sleep-creased baby faces, you can just say, “Did you have a good sleep, my love?” instead of “Good AFTERNOON,” as all of our own passive-aggressive parents did. And you might be treated to a languid smile, a comfortable stretch, and the simple pleasure of the words, “I did.”

4. Be kind to your child, even if it seems like he doesn’t notice or care. He does. Treat him to muffins, to barbecue, to a big smile, a cup of hot chocolate, the benefit of the doubt.

5. Prepare for cranky questions to emanate from the open fridge: “Is the cheese all gone?” “Wasn’t there leftover steak?” Answer with your sunny good nature. “It is!” “You ate it!” Go grocery shopping together and talk about the things he likes.

6. Enjoy the beautiful, gentle, funny boy who says things like, “Herro,” instead of hello to make you laugh after you muse aloud that work today was killing you. 

7. Be trustworthy. Be respectful. If he turns to you with something bad or hard, the first message should be, “I’m so glad you told me.” The second message should be, “How can I help?”

8. Assuming you actually want your son to join you, whatever it is you’re doing, the answer to the question, “Is it okay if my friends come with us?” is yes unless of course you don’t know his friends at all and you are not home.

9. Relatedly, keep around plenty of books to give the kids lots of fun things to fill their time with besides the kinds of fun things that you might be less excited about.

10. At home, I give him alllll the space to do his own things and always knock before going into his rooms. Meanwhile, I stay quietly available — say, reading on the sofa or hanging out in the garden — in case he wants to wander over to me and extend a paw over mine.

11. Take a picture of the heap of gigantic shoes by your front door because one day they will not be there and you will want to tearfully reminisce.

12. Teach him the important life skills: How to send a thank-you note. How to listen and ask questions. How to walk into a kitchen and say, “Put me to work.” How to clean a bathroom, do a load of laundry, cook pasta. How to sit patiently on the sofa between their two grandparents with their two new iPhones, nodding slowly and saying, “Here, let me show you,” when the grandparents are convinced the Google has gone missing.

13. Substance-wise, consider moderation over prohibition. That said, if you make one rule, let it be this: “Don’t ever try meth, crack cocaine, or heroin. Ever, ever, ever.”

14. Pick your battles. Personal style is a pretty low-stakes form of self-actualization; if the way they wear their hair or jeans is fine, as long as they don’t smell or are dirty.

15. Pretend you’re just tying your shoe so they won’t notice you leaning in to sniff the still-intoxicating smell of their scalp.

16. Lying in bed at night, scanning around to check for various dangers and unhappinesses, you will mentally find your son safe in his bed, in his room, in your house. And you will remember to be so, so grateful. Because one day you will buy him a memory foam mattress and a set of twin XL sheets and, poof, he will leave behind a heartbreaking boy-shaped hole.

17. Wherever they go, physically or emotionally, understand that they’ll come back to you. And when they do, go ahead and fling your mama arms — your mama heart! — wide open. Wide, wide open.

18. Ask for their advice, genuinely. Teens are desperate for independence (gahh, don’t you remember that feeling?), but they’re still newbies — they can’t drive, they can cook only a few dishes, they’re figuring out their style/culture/mocktail preferences. So, whenever it makes sense, I ask my boy for advice — what haircut should I go for? How would you handle an issue? — so he can realize how wise and trustworthy he already is.

19. Take an interest in their passions. Joey loves science and wants to know how everything works. Even though I sometimes don’t know what he is talking about, I will ask him all about the stuff he’s pondering.

20. Plus, find new things to enjoy together. With little children, you imbibe mind-bending amounts of cartoons and board books. But as they grow older, they begin to enjoy some of the same shows, movies, and games as you do. (!!) We’re currently into the series Ghosts.

21. Enjoy the texts. Texting with teenagers is never not hilarious. If they even text you back. A recent request that made me laugh: Mom MOM MOM Where r presents in my lunch 😭 Pretzels not prezzies 🥨 Can u bring 🥨 Mom I forgot to finish my project Did u buy glowing ✨Can u bring ✨ MOM

22. Remember that they’re still little. Even though my son makes me laugh like actual friends, they, of course, still want (and need) cuddles and hugs. Because, no matter how old our kids get, they’ll always be our babies. xoxo

Happy 13th Birthday, my love! I am so proud to be your mom!

Artwork by Carol Marine

Sometimes life is tough and demanding, and we don’t see a way out of this misery. I wanted to share a few small decisions that have made a difference for me. Whether you’re navigating a health challenge, recovering from surgery, or simply moving through a tough personal season, I hope they help you, too.

Here are six daily decisions you can control, no matter what life throws your way:

What You Put Into Your Body 

When I feel stressed, I tend to make some wild choices about what I put in my body. The instant gratification often leaves me feeling lousier in the long run, so I’m trying to pay more attention to the difference between foods that numb and foods that nourish. 

I’m not trying to be prescriptive about what anyone eats. But especially when you’re stressed, and your body and brain need extra support, it’s worth asking: Is this actually making me feel good, or just making me feel less bad for two minutes?

Try this: Identify two or three nourishing foods that leave you feeling satisfied and energized. Keep them on hand for the days when you need a little extra support.

The Content You Consume 

A question I’ve been asking myself lately: What am I allowing into my mind every day, and how does it make me feel?

When it’s so easy to succumb to the mindless scroll, it’s worth being a little more intentional about what we let influence us. Otherwise, you might find yourself watching a complete stranger unbox their 16-step skincare routine.

I’ve made a running list of content I actually want to consume, mainly documentaries, nonfiction books, and podcasts that spark curiosity or teach me something new.

The goal isn’t to make every minute of screen time productive. It’s to notice the difference between things that leave you feeling informed, inspired, or entertained and things that leave you anxious, agitated, or wondering where the last 45 minutes went.

Try this: Before you hit play or open an app, ask yourself:

• What kind of content do I want to seek out on purpose?
• What consistently leaves me feeling anxious, depleted, or like I’ve lost time I won’t get back?

Use your answers to curate what you follow, watch, listen to, and read. You don’t have to give up your favorite reality TV show or comfort rewatch. Just make sure you’re choosing what you consume, rather than letting the algorithm choose for you.

What You Buy (or don’t)

Stressful times can lead to some serious add-to-cart activity. But the dopamine hit of a new purchase is fleeting, while the aftermath can stick around a lot longer: credit card debt, piles of cardboard cluttering up your home, and the occasional pang of buyer’s remorse.

On the flip side, spending can be a powerful way to support the kind of world you want to live in. Your neighborhood bookshop, your family-run grocery store, the small business whose values you believe in, the organization you want to support: where you spend your money matters.

I keep a running list in my Notes app of businesses, brands, and organizations I want to support, alongside things I actually need. It’s a helpful gut check before buying something I don’t need from a business whose values I don’t share.

Try this: Start a running list in your phone of things you need, businesses you love, and local spots you want to support. Check it before your next impulse purchase and let it guide where your money goes. 

How You Care For Yourself (and others) 

When life feels uncertain, it’s easy to let the basics slide. But rest, hydration, fresh air, movement, sunlight, and a little self-compassion aren’t luxuries. They’re the infrastructure that makes everything else possible.

Think about what would give you a little boost this season. Maybe it’s a morning walk, a journaling practice, a mini meditation, reading a magazine, or simply staring at the sky for five minutes without your phone. It doesn’t have to be elaborate to make a difference.

And while you’re at it, remember that kindness is a choice, too. Look for one small opportunity each day to make someone else’s life a little easier: offer a genuine compliment, send a check-in text, or let someone go ahead of you in line. Small gestures can shift the energy around us, often more than we realize.

Try this: Identify one small thing you can do for yourself and one small thing you can do for someone else each day this week.

How You Care For Your Home

When life feels chaotic, I find it especially helpful to focus on my immediate environment: my home. It doesn’t need to be perfect or magazine-ready, but a little care can go a long way toward making everyday life feel calmer and more manageable.

That might mean clearing the kitchen counters, changing your sheets, putting on a load of laundry, opening the windows, or tackling that one depression pile or perpetually cluttered surface. You don’t have to take on an entire room or embark on a full-blown organizing project. Sometimes a fifteen-minute reset is enough to make your home feel a little more like a sanctuary. 

Try this: Choose one small area of your home that would feel better tidied, refreshed, or simplified.

What You Choose to Think and Believe

We can’t control everything that happens to us, but we often have more say in how we make sense of it than we realize. Try not to get stuck in a why me? mentality. Life can be wildly unfair, but there are so many positive things in life too. Choose to believe that this experience teaches you something. For example, that it will deepen your resilience, empathy, and gratitude rather than define or diminish your life.

That doesn’t mean pretending everything is fine or opting for toxic positivity. It means making room for two things to be true at once: is is obvious I would rather not be in this situation, but I am incredibly lucky that I am healthy and am able to look for other options with a clear mind. We may not get to choose our circumstances, but we can practice choosing the stories we tell ourselves about them.

Try this: Think of something difficult you’re navigating right now. Can you identify two things that are true at once, even if they seem contradictory? Is there any small thing that feels hopeful, helpful, or worth holding onto?

Over the years, I built a toolkit to break through negative mindsets and let go of what is holding me back, and I want to share those tools with you. I will always be honest with you, even when it is going to pierce your heart. But truth is always best. So, let’s dive in. 

The Emotional Toll 

I think we all have those moments when we find out that someone isn’t who you thought they were. I think we all encounter this, and it stings. And you start to question yourself: “Did I do something wrong? Was I too trusting? Was I too loyal?”

Some people only come into your life to use you. They don’t love you, care for you and just want the benefits that come with you. For somebody who truly loves you, you’re not an opportunity. They see teamwork and something special in you. 

If all you had to offer was friendship, who would still be around? Most of the time, real life situations expose fake people. People pretend well when they want something from you and sometimes it’s the ones you love the most who want to see you fail.

I am talking about the ones who care so much about your struggle, but are yet so silent when you win. Not everybody in your boat might be rowing, but silently drilling holes into your “friend-ship”. Some people’s lives are so miserable, they don’t want you to be happy either. 

I want to share five warning signs on how to detect fake people. There are probably a million, but these are the obvious ones to me. 

Number one. They only come around when they need something. If you ever feel like your relationship is based on convenience for them, that is a red flag. Sometimes you literally give everything you have got, but when you need them, they never have time. I am not saying it should be tit for tat, or that I am keeping score, but I should be able to know that I can count on you the way you can count on me. Others are keeping people in their lives who just want to drain them. Some just take, take, take from your life until they can’t use you anymore, and then they throw you away to move on to the next “best friend” they can use. 

Number two. They’re never happy for your success. When you start winning, their love gets distant and they don’t talk to you for days and weeks. Life is too short to be around people you have to tiptoe around, and cannot even bring up your accomplishments. You shouldn’t have to quiet your happiness for anybody. They might not even be fake friends, but they are also not real ones because a real friend will celebrate your wins like they are their own. They support and help you no matter what. 

Fake friends will go silent, or even worse, they will try to downplay your success or make it about them. You never have to force something real.

Number three. They are not loyal. Loyalty is truly displayed when you’re not around. They would also never disrespect anybody you love because you will always be loyal to the people they love. It is also strange if a friend likes someone who you cannot stand at all. It is sort of weird.

Number four. Inconsistency. Inconsistency is a choice. I’m not saying friendship should be perfect because no friendship is perfect. I’ve not been a good friend at times in my life, for sure. But inconsistency is something I will not tolerate. One day, you are best friends, and the next day, you are distant, silent, and cold for days and weeks? Red flag. I know people go through things. I don’t want to talk to anybody sometimes, but I let my friends know.  I’m mature enough to communicate what is going on. 

Number Five. They don’t respect your boundaries. They’ll ask for more than what you’re willing to give or get upset or silent when you say no. As humans, we have to be mature enough to communicate our boundaries to our friends. Again, communication is key. 

The Psychology of Fakeness (why do people do it?)

In my opinion, the main thing is insecurity, jealousy, and envy. As human beings, we feel insecurity and jealousy. But we don’t have to follow through on it and turn it into envy. Some friends really don’t have a bad heart, and they truly love you but they have so much insecurity in their life that every time you are winning, in their mind, they are losing. They want what you have. 

They fear of being alone. Some people fear being alone so much that they will maintain superficial relationships to avoid loneliness, even if it means being fake. If you have that mindset, you are creating a life of settling. And when you create a life of settling, you are creating a life of suffering. 

How to protect your peace

When your soul is speaking to you, listen! Turn to your gut feeling. If you feel drained after every interaction with your “friend” and if you feel you cannot be yourself, that is your intuition speaking. When we ignore what is real and what we know, we will always put ourselves in difficult situations. 

Create and maintain healthy boundaries. It is okay to limit your time with people who don’t respect you. Some people need to be demoted and don’t need to have the same access to you. It is okay to outgrow people because some are just lessons.

Communicate directly but firmly. Sometimes fake people don’t even realize the damage they are doing. Have a real conversation with them. Your mental health and peace come first. It is about having self-respect. Move on with grace. No need for drama or scenes. Simply distance yourself, wish them well, and focus on relationships that lift you up.

If all you had to offer was friendship, who would still be in your life?

Keep an eye on yourself. Be your own friend. Be your own parent. Be kind to yourself. Check on what you are doing. Do you need to watch the last episode of the series when it is after midnight? Do you need that third or fourth glass of wine? Or even drink alcohol at all? Is that really in your best interest?

Declutter your mind. Panic is the product of overload. In an overloaded world, we need to have a filter. We need to simplify things. We need to disconnect sometimes. We need to stop staring at our phones. To have moments of not thinking about work. A kind of mental feng shui.

Listen to calm noise. Things that aren’t as stimulating as music. Waves, your own breath, a breeze through the leaves, the purr of a cat, and best of all: rain.

Let it happen. If you feel panic rising, the instinctive reaction is to panic some more. To panic about the panic. To meta-panic. The trick is to try to feel panic without panicking about it. This is nearly, but not quite, impossible. I had an anxiety/panic attack once in my life (it happened while I was still drinking alcohol!) and it was horrible. Since I stopped drinking alcohol almost 4 years ago, I never had a similar feeling again.

Accept feelings. And accept that they are just that: feelings

Don’t grab life by the throat. “Life should be touched, not strangled,” said the writer Ray Bradbury.

It is okay to release fear. The fear tries to tell you it is necessary and that it is protecting you. Try to accept it as a feeling, rather than valid information. Bradbury also said, “Learning to let go should be learned before learning to get.”

Be aware of where you are. Are your surroundings over-stimulating? Is there somewhere you can go that is calmer? Is there some nature you can look at? Look up. In city centres, the tops of buildings are less intense than the shop fronts you see at head level. The sky helps, too.

Stretch and exercise. Panic is physical as well as mental. For me, running and yoga help more than anything. My body tightens from hours of hunching over a laptop or standing, and yoga and running stretch it out again.

Breathe. Breathe deep and pure and smooth. Concentrate on it. Breathing is the pace you set your life at. It’s the rhythm of the song of you. It is how to get back to the center of things. The center of yourself. When the world wants to take you in every other direction. It was the first thing you learned to do. The most essential and simple thing you do. To be aware of breath is to remember you are alive.

Remember that how you react to the news isn’t just about what the news is, but how you get it. The internet and breaking news channels report news in ways that make us feel disoriented. It is easy to believe things are getting worse when they might just make us feel worse. The medium isn’t just the message; it’s the emotional intensity of that message.

Limit the number of times you look at the news.

Realise the world is not as violent as it feels. Many writers on this subject, such as the famed cognitive psychologist Steven Pinker, have pointed out that, despite all its horrors, society is less violent than it used to be. “There is definitely still a lot of violence,” says the historian Yuval Noah Harari. “I live in the Middle East, so I know this perfectly well. But, today more people die from eating too much than from human violence, which is really an amazing achievement.”

Be near animals. Non-human animals are therapeutic for all kinds of reasons. As A.A. Milne wrote in Winnie-the-Pooh: “Some people talk to animals. Not many listen, though. That’s the problem.”

Don’t worry about things you can’t control. The news is full of things you can’t do anything about. Do the things you can do stuff about, raise awareness of issues that concern you, give whatever you can to whichever cause you feel passionate about, and also accept the things you can’t do.

Remember, looking at bad news doesn’t mean good news isn’t happening. It’s happening everywhere. It’s happening right now. Around the world. In hospitals, at weddings, in schools and offices and maternity wards, at airport arrival gates, in bedrooms, in inboxes, out in the street, in the kind smile of a stranger. A billion unseen wonders of everyday life.

If you came to my house, you’d find stacks of books everywhere. On tables, in bookshelves, on counters; I just love having books in every corner. It makes me feel like I live in a library.

I talked about the importance of creating an intentional space for learning or reading at home. It’s something I think about often as I reorganize and redecorate. How can I create a space that truly inspires learning? Over the years, I’ve embraced a few practices to make it feel more like that.

Take advantage of vertical space

Something I love about libraries and secondhand bookstores is the floor-to-ceiling bookshelves. That is the dream! But for now, I’m making do with what I have. I spread out my bookshelves all over the house (I even have books in the bathroom).

Use your books as decor—and entertainment!

“In every room of the house there should be a desk and books. Books are the foremost ornament of a house. All the members of the family must feel that their home is always able to keep them entertained, and to this feeling books contribute most of all.”

I referenced this quote last year, and I still love it. I came across it while reading Modern Swedish Design: Three Founding Texts. I 100% agree—but I also think it should be a natural, organic process. Don’t buy books just because. Buy them because you genuinely love them. And then put them all over your home! Have small stacks of books near your kitchen, on the coffee table, on your nightstand, near your entryway, next to the television. Having books everywhere is an easy way to skim through them more.

Slowly acquire your books

A personal library takes time to build. Umberto Eco, an Italian writer, had over 50,000 books in his personal library at the time of his death. My partner and I have around 500. It excites me to think about what my library will look like five, ten, twenty years from now. There’s no rush. You’ll come across the right books when the time is right.

Buy secondhand as much as you can 

The best books are discovered in dusty bookstores, on the street, on eBay, or when gifted from friends. Sometimes the most interesting books aren’t the ones on this year’s best-selling lists—they’re gems that were written years ago.

Have a system (or at least try to)

I watched Party Girl (1995) for the first time on the plane, and I’m determined to learn the Dewey Decimal System, but for now? My stacks of books are categorized roughly by themes like art, health, nonfiction, interior design, classical drawing, furniture design, classic literature, and so on. And my system is flexible. The number of times I’ve moved stacks of books from one room to another, bought shelves (and then gotten rid of them), reorganized my books…it never ends. I spent an entire day creating new stacks of books in my living room. And I’ll probably switch things around in a month again. C’est la vie.

Allow a little imperfection

The stacks of books don’t have to be perfect. The shelves don’t have to be impeccably styled. Lean into the lived-in feeling of it all. Books are meant to be grabbed and paged through and put back on the shelf and moved from one shelf to another. Flip through them as much as you can. Enjoy them. Learn from them. And it’s okay if you don’t finish reading your entire 300-page interior design book. There’s nothing wrong with unread books! I read this article the other day on the hidden value of unread books. They’ll be there waiting for you when you’re ready.

Happy reading! I would love to see pictures of your bookshelves if you would like to share.

Lately, many couples I personally know are getting divorced. With some, I was really surprised and sad; with others, I congratulated to the decision. I am by no means an expert in relationships, but I have been around, and I know by now what I want and don’t want pretty clearly. These are the strategies that work for me. You know, always spiced up with some humor and sarcasm, but you will get the point, I hope.

Limit overlapping interests

This might sound counterintuitive, but trust me, it is correct. Real conversation from the other night when I foolishly interrupted my boyfriend’s intense, concentrated scrolling with some straight-up bullshit:

him “have you seen the reel of the Poland invasion in 19……blabla?”

me “What? Have you seen the invasive plant species that is choking the oak tree next to the compost?”

me (awkward silence)

her (irritated silence)

both (happily return to our separate interests)

Befriend their friends but not too too much. Do not rely on your partner for all your social needs.

Separate your bank accounts

Of course we have one that we share, but that’s not the one I buy my stupid bullshit out of. He isn’t even the kind of person who would dig up the receipts like “Why did you spend one hundred and fifty euros on books”? Or “Why do we have all these different cakes and chocolates?” Or “Is it necessary to buy more plants?” Or “Do we really need another bookshelf?” Or “No, we don’t need another couch and a matching carpet with it!”

Sometimes go to bed at different times (or sleep in a different room if one snores, for example!)

Spend quiet, quality time alone. This is totally fine. Set clear boundaries when you need space.

Have a real conversation about the temperature at which you maintain your home. Closing windows when it is too cold, don’t close them or keep them wide open if it too hot. Don’t suffer through this. Share your true opinions.

Don’t agree with everything the partner says or does. They are not almighty! Maintain your own self-identity.

Get two smaller pizzas instead of trying to agree on one big one. Maintain your own independence.

I don’t want fresh corn, I don’t want serrano chiles, I don’t want asparagus, I don’t want roasted cherry tomatoes, I don’t want bacon, I don’t want fig jam, I don’t want buffalo sauce, I don’t want hamburger, I definitely don’t want hot dog (??), I don’t want raw onions, I don’t want brussels sprouts, I don’t want alfredo sauce, I don’t want eggplant.

Read different books and then talk about it

Don’t listen too closely when the other person is talking; then they’re always a little mysterious to you

Have a suggestion ready when you broach the difficult question “what do you want for dinner?”

“Where should we eat tonight?” is another fucking landmine, so come prepared

Vacation separately sometimes (you simply don’t have to do eeeeeverything together)

Only have low-stakes microfights (a mini-fight a day keeps the maxi-fights away)

Don’t move shit that isn’t yours! I am still working on this one!

Speaking of microfights, one of my favorite ones is “You put away that thing I left in a common area that annoyed you, and now that I can’t find it I have no other choice than to purchase another one.”

Gossip a lot (because it is fun)

Get some pets so you can always say “hey look at the dog” if you need something to say

One jokester is enough! There is only one clown allowed in this circus; someone has to be the ringmaster! (everyone hates the “funny” couple)

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS (don’t be in the other person’s business at all times!)

Concede first and quickly if it’ll shut down a conversation you don’t want to have

You know when you have a talk that’s not necessarily a fight, but is definitely not a casual chat? Like, it’s serious but not deadly serious? I never want to have those; there’s always something stupider and more fun I could be doing. So as soon as I feel a “hey, can i talk to you for a sec?” brewing I am heading it off at the pass like, “you’re right, i’ll do that, thank you” or “you’re right, I didn’t do that, I apologize” or “you’re right, whatever you want to do about that is fine, you know best” and then the shit is over and I can go back to doing whatever I want to be doing, which is never ever talking about whatever this bullshit is!!!!

Anything you would add? What tips do you have to stay in a relationship?

The goldenrod is blooming. The days are getting shorter, the evenings cooler. Most kids are back to school in other parts of the world (mine is already in summer school for two weeks and hates me for signing him up for it!). My inbox is filling up with invites for the latest books, book parties, harvests, and farmers’ markets. It’s time to return. To school, to work, to politics, to the city—to all of it.

I recently learned that the French have a phrase for this time, “la rentrée” (literally, “the return”). In France, most people take much of August off for grande vacances (a looong summer vacation). September is when people return to work and life in the city. Part of the reason la rentrée is so palpable in France is that it’s not just families with young kids returning to responsibility in September. Plus, “Whether you’re in Paris, Provence, Brittany, or even Corsica, you’ll see crowds of children and adolescents heading back to class at the same time, which contributes to the feeling of it being a shared national moment.” There’s even a literary rentrée!

I wish we had a more shared la rentrée experience here in Vienna, Austria. Instead, I feel behind talking to a colleague whose kids went back weeks ago. An anxious feeling accompanies the official return to school, which is craziness again. I’ve gotten a little too used to sleeping later, ignoring the news (I will keep doing that for my sanity!), and saying yes to just about anything my kid asks to do. September has always felt like the start of a new year to me. Many people find this time invigorating, and many parents look forward to the start of the school year. So do I.

So, I’m actively working on a mental reframe. I’m thinking about our time away and the more relaxed lifestyle as a chance to refill my reserves for new challenges (including pottery classes I want to take and a new language I want to learn!). I’m embracing September as an opportunity to dig into writing projects I’ve put off.

I know I thrive when my home is in order, so I am also claiming this time as a moment for a next-level home reset. Think: A deep decluttering, an even deeper cleaning—maybe a reenvisioning of some of the ways we have our house or apartment arranged.

Whether you are dreading or looking forward to September, I believe getting your house in order will help you get back into the swing of things. So, I’ve put together a list of ways to get your home (and yourself) ready for whatever is ahead of you this fall:

Do a preliminary clean-up

I took some time to get my house cleaned and tidied to host friends soon, and I recommend a mini-reset to kick things off. That preliminary putting things away and making everything look nice for guests makes the bigger work of a deep decluttering feel more manageable. It also made me feel happy to have my place all spiffy.

Start a serious decluttering streak

I’ve written often about the Snowball Method of decluttering, in which you declutter one item on Day 1, two items on Day 2, three items on Day 3, and so on until you’ve run out of steam or gotten to the end of the month. However, it has been years since I’ve done it myself. I decided to start a snowball on September 1 and document what I let go of–with a full report at the end of the month.

Winnow your wardrobe

Separate but related to home decluttering is cleaning out your closet. I find the end of a season is a good time to take stock of what I actually wore. It’s easy to let go of summer things that didn’t get worn while it’s still warm out. Whereas in mid-winter you might think, “Oh, I might need that.” It’s also a helpful barometer to take a look at the next season’s clothes and see what you’re excited to wear again; you might be able to spot a few things you know you won’t want to wear ever. 

Push pause on new purchases

At the start of the school year, it can be tempting to click “buy” whenever a bit of friction arises. Instead of rushing to buy solutions, wait a few days to assess what’s truly a need. Also look for ways to source things secondhand first: You can reduce waste and save lots of money buying things gently used.

Deep clean textiles

I plan to do a deep cleaning of my home after I finish my month-long decluttering, but in the meantime, I will make time for the seasonal washing of fabric items like the sofa covers, outdoor seat cushions, mattress pads, and the decorative cushion covers. Washing those items is an easy way to make everything feel fresh.

Plan something fun

I think part of the reason I get the September Scaries sometimes is that it feels like all the fun stuff is winding down. Putting a few things on the calendar to look forward to this fall makes it easier to remember that all seasons are fun. What awesome things do you have planned this fall? (Seeking inspiration.)

Pick *one* project

Home to-do lists tend to run miles long. I get overwhelmed whenever I think of all the things I’d like to do in my house. So I am recommending that you pick just one project to tackle this fall. Instead of writing a giant (and frankly overwhelming) list of all the things you want to do, write all the micro-tasks associated with this one project. I’m still noodling on what my one project should be.

Shake up your senses

There’s something magical and witchy in finding sensory ways to signal a new beginning. You could do it with scent: Wear a different perfume or buy a new scented candle. Or maybe it’s taste: Swap up your usual coffee brand or reinvent your breakfast routine. Cover the sofa with a brightly colored sheet or tablecloth, listen to some new artists–anything to signal “change” and “new” to your brain.

Pamper yourself a little

You may feel more ready to face all the responsibilities that September brings if you take the time to take care of yourself. Whether it’s a haircut, a trip to the fancy health food store, or a restorative yoga class, I find even a little bit of self-pampering can bolster my spirits.

Move your body—preferably outside

Somehow I found less time to exercise this summer than during the school year. Whenever I’m feeling down or overwhelmed, a run, a walk, or a Yoga class is just the thing to get me back in a better frame of mind. If you tend to let exercise go by the wayside, maybe sign up for some classes or make dates to walk with a friend.