Welcome to MySugr,

your neighborhood’s new charming small business. We sell provisions. We won’t tell you what that means, but we used a wavy, sans-serif font and put our name almost indecipherably small in the top right-hand corner of our storefront window. We hope that helps you “get” our “brand.” A rainbow flag is obviously visible on a huge flagpole and as a sticker at the door.

Other than that, we don’t feel like we need to explain ourselves to you. If you don’t instantly feel a spiritual connection with MySugr, then you can buy your provisions elsewhere. We don’t interest ourselves in doing “business” in the traditional sense.

All we’ll say is that most people who walk past our store end up surrendering to our whimsy, and eventually, you will too. Before you can fully grasp the concept of what a “provision” actually is, you will probably be lured into our store by the scent of a distant winter memory. That’d be one of our house-made candles; it’s called “Romance of the Ember,” and it’s meant to invoke the image of a woman who has just been left by her husband and is sleeping by a dying fire.

Once inside our store, you’ll be instantly ignored by our employee, Max (non-binary), for she might be churning butter. If you have questions about our products, do NOT ask “them”. She/he is timid, and her/his voice is too soft for the human ear to hear. We recommend just looking around and determining a product’s use or purpose for yourself.

We won’t explain why, but here are some of things we offer in exchange for money (“sell” is such a harsh word):

• A delicate bespoke broom that you cannot use for sweeping.
• A stool too low to sit or put your feet on, and too fragile to place anything on top of it. Don’t even look at it, actually.
• A forty-eight-euro bottle of olive oil, which might almost make sense to you, until we explain that only half of the bottle is full of olive oil and the other half is just air, but the air was sourced in Tuscany, of course.
• Numerous specialty foods, which means we have ten different kinds of gourmet mayonnaise but not the kind you like. Next to the mayonnaise is where we display our line of hard, wooden, color-free baby toys for babies who live and die for aesthetics over function. Babies with good taste.

Also, on certain Mondays, for one hour, we sell discarded human teeth in little jars. It’s up to you to decide whether or not that’s legal.

Perhaps you’ve come to MySugr to buy a holiday gift, or you’ve simply stumbled in and remained out of guilt because you’re the only person here, and Max is staring at you from her/his rocking chair. Whatever brought you in, rest assured we offer something for everyone. And by that, we mean that there is nothing for anybody, especially if you’re looking for something. So don’t come here to shop for something, or expect to find anything at all. Does that make sense?

We don’t really care. MySugr exists as more of a commentary on commerce than as another cog in the retail machine. We refuse to explain ourselves to you, but when you do come in, prepare to be wowed, to be a little bit nervous, to be extra careful when touching our products, to gaze longingly at tiny handcrafted spoons that you want for no explicable reason, and to leave asking yourself, “Wait, how did I just spend sixty-five euros on mayonnaise?”

When it comes to parenting, you have a responsibility to share words of wisdom and advice with your children. Advice that will shape them into respectful, working, dreaming, and dedicated adult souls.

In life, the things that matter most and advice given to your children throughout childhood can go a long way to help mould them for the future.

Here are my 45 fantastic pieces of advice to share with everyone you love!

1. Never shake a person’s hand while sitting down. Look in people’s eyes when talking ot them.

2. Smile at people!

3. Always be honest, even if the truth hurts.

4. During a negotiation – never make the first offer.

5. Always request a late check-out.

6. When entrusted with a secret, keep it. No matter what!

7. Hold your heroes to a higher standard.

8. Return a borrowed car with a full tank of gas.

9. Play with passion or don’t play at all.

10. When shaking someone’s hand – grip firmly and look them in the eye.

11. Don’t let a wishbone grow where a backbone should be.

12. If you need music on the beach, you’re missing the point.

13. Put your electronic devices away when outdoors. Look, listen, smell and feel your surroundings.

14. When you marry, you marry their family as well.

15. Be like a duck. Remain calm on the surface and paddle like crazy underneath. But not all the time.

16. Experience the serenity of travelling alone.

17. Never be afraid to ask out the smartest person in the room.

18. Never turn down a breath mint.

19. Love hard. Kiss.

20. Try writing your own eulogy. Never stop revising it.

21. Appreciate what you have in life. Be thankful.

22. Eat lunch with the new kid. Don’t be mean to the new kid.

23. After writing an angry email, text or letter, read it carefully. Then delete it.

24. It’s okay to cry.

25. Ask somoneone else to play than mom. They won’t let you win.

26. Manners are important. Never stop using them.

27. Give credit. Take the blame.

28. Stand up to Bullies. Protect those who are bullied.

29. Write down your dreams. Then live them.

30. Always protect your family. (and teammates).

31. Be confident and humble at the same time.

32. Call and visit your (grand)parents often. They miss you.

33. The healthiest relationships are those where you’re a team; where you respect, protect, and stand up for one another.

34. It’s okay to ask for help. 

35. Success comes after many failures. Never give up, for each failure is a stepping stone towards success. 

36. Smile and laugh often. It’s good for the soul. 

37. Look up at the stars. 

38. Don’t ever stop learning.

39. Don’t ever give up who you are for someone else.

40. Always maintain your integrity. 

41. Make time for your family. 

42. Treat others the way you want to be treated. 

43. Read, write and create. 

44. Just because you grow older doesn’t mean you have to stop being a kid! Play, have fun, explore and enjoy life! 

45. Be you. 

I can’t even….. WHAT can’t you even?

At work, I heard the expression “I can’t even” so many times that I finally have to write about it. When I lived in New York, I heard it even more often and actually became a critical fan. But recently, I have to admit, I have become frustrated by your service. How is it that you allow yourself to be used as a reaction to literally anything without providing any explanation?

Can you not? Can you really not even? Or has your purpose merely been thrust upon you by the culture of memery in which you thrive?

Maybe it is a social issue. We have become charmed by how easily you are able to communicate such an evergreen and relatable sentiment while avoiding unnecessary labor. You are speechless. I understand. I am asking you to reflect on your purpose, and honestly, no one – er, thing – needs to be facing existential questions during a global war and pandemic. I will try to be gentle.

Your existence was born out of convenience, yes? Like a microwave in that you can be used in the spirit of capitalism to generate corporate profit – I have seen I CAN’T EVEN T-shirts – and not like a microwave in that you are never going to be able to give me a sandwich.

Alas.

I

Can’t

Even

But what do you do for us as a society? Do our responses to what we believe ourselves incapable of doing become meaningless when we rely on you as a crutch to express ourselves?

I used the word “our” because, as previously stated, I am a critical fan. I am constantly fatigued, and your conciseness saves me the time of having to formulate a thoughtful response to any person or thing to which I simply cannot.

But I am also concerned that you have an ulterior motive. That’s my real reason for writing to you. You see, this concern has been haunting my mind and my heart in the only way a handful of syllables can.

I worry your existence was borne out of a desire to begin a semantic revolution – one in which we all drastically reduce the amount of time we spend communicating with one another. The end result, then, being a dystopia in which we gradually become silent, the atmosphere simply punctuated with implied meaning.

In this dystopian world, your vagueness would also strip conversations of nuance. You are, after all, just as likely to be invoked in response to a silly film as much as the gaffe of a politician or a national tragedy. Granted, the last two are not always mutually exclusive. It is 2022.

But my question then, is this: Can you calm my fears? Do you have the capacity to respond to such a request? You don’t possess a consciousness, so I know this is asking a lot.

Maybe I am just paranoid, delusional from hunger. It is 6 AM and I am still thinking about the sandwich. Were there a universe in which you did possess consciousness, I assume you would probably leave me on Read. Click delete. I am questioning you, after all, and influencers such as yourself tend to respond indifferently if not with some hostility to those with less cultural capital.

Perhaps you, too, can’t even. And honestly? Same. I am not sure if the idea of us sharing this sentiment is comforting or depressing. I do have a consciousness. And I don’t have the ingredients to make a sandwich but I do want an ‘I Can’t even’ t-shirt!