.SOMETIMES RAW.

Are you stressed? Worn out? Is this Corona insanity getting the best of you? Are you astonished by the enormous amount of mothers who have dropped out of homeschooling and mothering in the last year since the coronavirus lockdowns began? Do you have the urge to sign yourself into a mental institution? Yes? It sounds like you (and me) could use a restful vacation to cleanse your soul and replenish your (maternal) energy.

But, I don’t have that kind of time/money/negative Corona test, your monkey mind tells you. I have to go to scan my son’s online distance learning worksheets, make sure he isn’t playing Minecraft instead of being “in class”, and collate tomorrow’s math and reading assignment. Well, stress no more because I have news for you. All your troubles will drift away when you sit down in your adjustable, cushioned, hydraulic-motor massage chair at the furniture store XXXL Lutz in Vienna. Let your body recline and sink into the plush upholstery as you gently apply pressure to the electronic foot control, generating a soothing buzz that calms your nerves and drowns out the sound of your child arguing that he wants to sit in this chair.

What is he fighting and arguing over? It does not matter, because as your chair reclines even further, a sense of well-being permeates your entire body. Once the head-massage starts, you lose yourself in pleasure and banish whatever thoughts don’t serve you, including the knowledge that there will be another lockdown coming up and you forgot to buy food coloring and fruit and nuts for your child’s entire class. This is just the beginning of your indulgent journey, for soon, the massage chair is asking you a few simple questions about the setting you can choose from. Like the strength of the massage, the length, and the type. You don’t even have to exert the energy to speak, because you don’t need to. A couple of clicks on your massage chair screen and the setting is done.

If your child keeps talking to you just a grunt or a languid hand gesture is all you need to communicate, while the chair does its thing. Are you falling asleep yet? Is that a saliva dribble down your chin? No! Don’t wipe it away. This is your zone to relax, Queen. Just let it all go. This regenerating massage chair combines a unique combination of relaxation, and sensation to draw out toxins and enhance your state of bliss. Once the foot-massage starts, you won’t even notice anybody around you, which also means your child may have snuck either your iPad or iPhone out of your bag. This marks their fifth hour of screen time today. Hey, it is Saturday. Or isn’t it? It is still Jantembuary, the 59th.

Still, not being able to intervene in the massage cycle induces a profound sense of contentment and equanimity. You cannot do one single thing in this massage chair except sit, and enjoy the most relaxing feeling you have had in 365 days. Surrender to the now, for nothing exists inside this furniture store except you, and this 30-minute massage. As you begin to feel at one with the universe, heat, and music lull you into a space of total peace. You inhabit your body fully. You are embraced by stillness and serenity. You cannot even remember the events that seemed so stressful just an hour earlier when you tried to build the IKEA bookshelf “Leksvik” at home alone or when you threw everything out of the window to drive to a new furniture store to buy a better bookshelf. Your body sinks completely into the massage chair, which is doing all the heavy lifting for you, and you sure deserve this, lady. Well done for treating yourself!

Refreshed, renewed, and rejuvenated, you hear your child sobbing next to you but remain motionless that extra 30 seconds before a salesperson approaches you to tell you about all the special features of this particular massage chair and reminds you that it is time to get up and out of it because others want to try it, too.

Recommendation: One treatment, once a week because no appointment or negative Covid-test necessary, and no costs unless you want to purchase this Mercedes among all massage chairs.

Price: 5299 Euro

Chances are pretty high that you will see me in that massage chair at XXXL Lutz on a Saturday afternoon. Bring coffee or white wine to make this an even better experience.

You are welcome.

“So don’t let time and space confuse you. And don’t let name and form abuse you. In the light of the sun you can see how they run.” – Terry Callier, Ordinary Joe

This was the first week back to “normal” school for my son. On day one, I forgot to print the consent form that he can administer the Corona test himself. I figured that it is self-explanatory that he can take this test since I dropped him off in the morning. Wrong! Here in Austria, you need to return the consent form if you want your child to attend class but there is also the option that your kid is not tested. In this case, homeschooling it is. Do not get me wrong. I understand this virus exists and it is dangerous for some. But I do not understand some of the changes, restrains, rules and regulations anymore. Why are the restaurants still closed? Why can I travel on a packed subway every morning (with no social distancing possible) but I need a negative Corona test (which I need to pay for) to get a haircut? Last summer it was fine to just wear a mask or go eat at a restaurant with a mask when entering. Why does my seven-year-old son need to administer the test himself while the teacher cannot do it and I sign for all this? Oooooh, yeah, if something happens with their little noses or when they poke it all the way up their brain for fun to see what happens, it is my fault, I get it. Will the vaccine be mandatory soon? And if we decide not to get it, will we be being able to leave the country, eat at restaurants, or worse, be able to work anymore? Or will the lockdown be extended in Germany until December? But which year?

With this back and forth madness I want to give it all a little sarcastic twist so this knot in my chest loosens up a bit. I hope you are staying well throughout this pandemic! Enjoy this little Corona Quiz and then pick a school for your child.

How would you describe the homeschooling
experience for your family?

1. Streamlined and efficient, just a welcome break!
2. Reminiscent of scenes from Home Alone
3. Reminiscent of scenes from Contagion
4. A madness and I want to hang myself.

What is your favorite:

1. In-person learning, and constant fear
2. Hybrid learning, mixing constant fear with a bit of logistical chaos
3. Remote learning, marrying logistical chaos with devastating isolation
4. Moving to the outskirts and launching your own homeschool.

Pick One School For Your Child

“Normal” School:

If you have ever wondered how to combine pure hopelessness with the ambiance of Alcatraz in its prime, this option might be for you. Rest assured that your child’s teacher will suffer from crippling anxiety while seamlessly policing masked and self-tested children/students, overseeing a rigorous schedule of hand-washing, and ensuring that children remain confined to a two-meter distance at all times. Despite this, they do aim to create a robust learning environment where your child will also absorb the finer elements of sitting in place. They forgot during Lockdown 3298. Note that your child’s temperature will be taken every hour, and students will vacate the building approximately every 20 minutes for a thorough deep-cleaning with new, fast-tracked chemicals. Students must be tested for COVID at the first sign of illness; please return your child to us in six weeks or when results come back, whichever comes first. Stay quarantined with your child(ren). There will be no Karate, Basketball, or anything you initially signed your kid up for. They may go out for a walk a play a bit in the nearby park. FFP2 Masks made in China must be used even in the classroom while the windows are open. Kids may keep their coats, hats, and mittens on if they are cold. Also, don’t wonder why Austria cannot produce their own masks or why they need to order them from China.

Hybrid School:

This model will combine the key elements of in-person school (see above) with remote learning, which we hopefully perfected this spring or the latest in spring 2025. Your child will be divided into a group (A, B, AB, BC, CC, XVY, MCXLVII, and Depeche Mode) based on careful consideration of his or her learning style, social-emotional needs, friendships, and an algorithm our intern designed this summer. You will need a reliable Internet connection, a work schedule that follows no concrete pattern (or no work at all), a forgiving supervisor, independent wealth, or a Xanax prescription. You can contact the school nurse for the latter. But bring a negative Corona test. Not older than 48 hours.

Remote School:

I recognize that many families are naturally uncomfortable sending their child back to school given the virus’s uncertainty. Why this fear? Swine flu, the “normal flu” (that seems not to exist anymore) existed before and nobody ever spoke about it. If you felt sick you stayed home. If you had a fever you stayed home. No big deal. No testing required. And people died of the flu. As such, I have also designed a remote learning option in conjunction with an outside vendor who specializes in emailing non-working links to YouTube videos, as we realize that Google and Teams Classrooms posed technological challenges. Your child should expect to sit in front of a screen for roughly eight to ten hours per day, with allowances for quick movement breaks, meals, and the occasional primal scream.

Rest assured that no matter how you respond, it won’t matter whatsoever. We’ll come up with a completely different plan in consultation with an anonymous team of stakeholders, three renowned local astrologists, a haphazard compendium of tweets, and a seance that will be held over Zoom (please find the login and password on page 576 of the new Covid-19 law). We will also hold a listening session in ten minutes if anyone’s around. Expect a link to be emailed shortly; please check your spam.

Also, don’t question why people wear the mask while being alone in the car or while walking outside ALONE or even with someone. Wear that mask no matter what. It does not matter that nobody understands you anymore or you get dizzy. Stay tuned for unannounced overnight Covid “law” changes at all times. Then adapt. Let’s take this one day at a time and with a grain of sarcasm.

Stay sane. Stay healthy. And happy.

Imagine me in my 20s. My self-care routine wasn’t so excellent but I was feeling fine and mostly at peace. I had a great job, I had a car, I lived in New York, money, friends, traveled a lot but there was still one tiny area where I couldn’t seem to make any progress at all: relationships and romance. And every relationship I had been in felt eerily similar. I would find a partner who was either great on paper or was a “project” that I had the urge to fix. He would either have an impressive job or would be someone I thought I should like. But usually, there was so much emotional baggage that our dating would end in disaster. Obviously, we all have our own baggage we carry into relationships, but I sometimes went for guys whose life was on fire. There was one guy who told me, on the first date while we were waiting for our drinks, that his dad murdered someone…but “don’t worry, he committed suicide… in jail…I am just not sure I will ever escape the overwhelming despair I feel!” DON’T WORRY???? Our drinks hadn’t even arrived yet. That is a lot for a first date. It seemed like I was seeking out men who were so damaged, so wrapped up inter past traumas, that they did not have the capacity to be kind or emotionally giving toward themselves or me. I would notoriously ignore all the warning signs that they weren’t a good partner and instead doubt myself, endlessly wondering what I could do to fix them. Then I would be upset when the relationship ended. And it always ended.

This was the time when I started journaling. Journaling about what happens in my life, with men and why I am repeating the same dumb mistakes. One of my entries looked something like this:

Mistake 1: Find someone who is good on paper but bad at life. One step up: Find someone who is bad on paper and bad at life. Look for someone who went to a “good” university, someone with a “good” job, someone I think is ambitious and will “succeed”. If he comes from a “good family,” bonus points! Completely ignore that this person is CLEARLY, FUNDAMENTALLY in an emotional crisis of some kind. Decide that I can fix and change him, or, even better, come to the conclusion that something is actually wrong with me!

Example: He is a successful finance executive who owns his house and is established in his career. BUT upfront he explained that he “must be wasted to enjoy sex, and that won’t change and has many women-friends.” Think to myself: That’s not great, but he hasn’t gotten to know me yet.

Example: He went to Harvard, which must mean he is exceptionally smart. Smart is something I am so attracted to and want in a partner. Forget the fact that someone going to a “smart” school is not the same as them being emotionally intelligent. Shake it off that my “date night” to see a movie turned out to be just a “stop” on his run. When the movie ended, he, dressed in a full work-out ensemble, said, “That was fun; now I have to go back on my run.” WHEN THE MOVIE ENDED, HE SAID, “THAT WAS FUN; NOW I HAVE TO GO BACK ON MY RUN.” Clearly, a winner.

Mistake 2: Get emotionally invested too quickly. Based solely on how good he looks on paper, ignoring the fact that I feel lonely in his company, despite my body screaming, “Noooo, we have been here before!” I give him a chance and convince myself he is someone I want in my life despite all evidence to the contrary. Or maybe I can repair him for further use? Project all of the good qualities I want in a partner onto him. I will make this relationship work, no matter the cost.

Example: After a great date, he asks if I would be interested in going to a Spa the next morning. Could he pick me up at eleven A.M. so I could continue talking about our mutual love of Tokyo? Take this all as a sign that he is open, honest, and not interested in playing games. I mean, a second date, THE VERY NEXT DAY!? Completely ignore the fact that he asked MULTIPLE times to sleep with me, didn’t take no for an answer, and when I finally said, “Listen, I don’t have sex on the first date,” he actually pouted and crossed his arms over his chest like a child who didn’t get the candy he wanted. Pretend that the image of him being angry in his brand-new black BMW didn’t make me vomit in my soul. I can fix this.

Mistake 3: Try to persuade the man to like you. I sincerely hope my sister reads this! Obsess over text messages, trying to decipher “what it all means.” Be whatever person I think he will like best, but DO NOT BE MYSELF! Never consider if I actually like him. I am now a new person, the person I think he wants me to be, which is tricky because it always seems to be changing.

Example: He is jealous of EVERY (male) person in my life. So I lie if my best friend David calls and pretend it was someone else. Cut all male friends out of my circle in order to appease the man I have been dating for a month. What if he is the one? I WILL FIGURE THIS OUT LATER. Maybe I can secretly call David once a month? Maybe from my work phone, so there is no evidence. But even then, best to erase my call history! I picked yet another winner.

Well, it turns out, knowing my pattern is a whole hell of a lot different from breaking it. From years of dating experience, here, my common sense list of dating and staying away from certain type of men:

• Be picky. Don’t settle for anyone if you don’t feel it. Don’t date someone “just because he has a nice ass”.
• Can you introduce your partner to your parents, friends, and family without being embarrassed?
• Is there a connection? Is there a spark? Is there an attraction? If there is not a “yes” to any of these questions it is a waste of time to go any further.
• Is this person kind and thoughtful? Did he ask questions about you? Does he show genuine interest in getting to know you? Don’t feel bad if the answer is “no”. But, again, know it is a GIANT FUCKING WASTE OF TIME to go any further.
• Does he love your dog more than he loves you?
• Can this person take care of themselves? Can they handle their own shit? Or do they constantly talk about what a disaster they are, how hard their life has been, and how they have no clue how to fix any of it, before lighting up a second bowl of weed and explaining that they wouldn’t blame you if you left right now. A partner should take responsibility for their own life. End of story.
• What does your gut say? Check in with yourself. Does this partner only want to impress you with materialistic gifts? “But my gut is all fucked-up from years of following a destructive pattern. Can I even trust myself anymore?”, you may ask. Start with self-love, self-care, self-trust, and keep developing the faith that you know what is right for you.
• Are there any red flags the person has shown you? Answer honestly. This is not a time to say, “Yes, he mentioned he is completely hung up on how his last girlfriend broke his heart and referred to her as a ‘psychotic bitch,’ but, whatever, let me forget that detail.” Is he broke, has debt? Depressed? Why? Take careful notes. Do not disregard red flags! I did it too many times.
• Can they meet you where you are? Is this person in a stage of life that is similar to or compliments your own? Can he be present with me? Can I be present with him?
• Does this person break my pattern? This might be a partner who is not super jealous of all the men in your life. Or maybe it is a guy who is not so busy with his career that the only plans he can make with you are in three weeks when his life “calms down”.

The way a person treats me has almost nothing to do with me. It is about them and their limitations. And I can choose whom I want to spend my time with and when it is time to leave.

Happy dating. Stay healthy. Stay happy.