.SOMETIMES RAW.

“Seek the truth for yourself, and I will meet you there” 

[Disclaimer: not an easy read]

I suffer(ed) from PTSD for a while because I have dealt with a lot of difficult things in my careers as a police and security officer. I have seen many people die and there were many traumatic experiences when I pretended everything is fine but deep down, I was not fine at all. I could not “just” fill out that “dead-person-intake form” while I stood next to a person who jumped off the 9th floor of a building with parts of her brain stuck to my uniform and shoes.

Before that particular incident, my colleague and I were laughing in the police car. Everything was okay. We contemplated were to have coffee and a pretzel next. I remember it was a nice afternoon and I looked forward to the Metallica Concert that evening. The radio kept playing Metallica songs all day to promote the concert. The music in the police car droned on, but we stopped listened after the dispatcher told us to drive to the location where, according to neighbors, a woman climbed out of her window and tried to get to the top of the roof of her apartment.

I still did not put two-and-two together while we hurried to the scene. Maybe she wants to escape from someone who threatens her in the apartment? Maybe she tries to get into her apartment from her neighbor’s balcony because she forgot her keys? I was still gnawing on my lunch-sandwich. As a police officer, there are not real times to take a break. “I think something terrible is about to happen,” my colleague said. I did not acknowledge him but chewed ahead. I tried to put two-and-two together but my mind was blank. Blank as a white canvas. The woman took her own life. She jumped off the roof while my colleague and I drove around the corner. I saw her eyes while she jumped and I see them to this day. Wide open, terrified and scared. This is how I felt when I arrived at the scene. In her apartment, I wanted to find out if there were any screams for help. Anything, that could have explained what just happened. I did not find anything. I just saw a glass of red wine (still half full) with lipstick stains on it, a CD playing (Jazzonova) quietly in the living room and the window wide open. On the floor,  her black high heels.

It took me several hours to cry. I did go to the Metallica Concert that night because I purchased the tickets a long time ago. I was on my bicycle riding back home when I felt like screaming, crying. When I arrived home my neighbor asked me, “Why are you crying, what happened? Is everything all right?” And this was the point when everything came out: the complete waterworks. The wails and the screams and the snot. I went into some sort of depression this year and I knew I have to change my job. It was a sadness so deep that it physically hurt. I did not want to deal with suicidal issues and death on a daily basis anymore. I woke up crying sometimes because I thought I could have been able to save one suicidal person. In my reoccurring dreams, the suicidal people always laugh. I remember one particular dream when a person said, “Why do you care if I am dead when you are still so afraid to live your life?” I woke up crying. This all happened many years ago, yet it all seems so fresh.

Death scares us and because of this, we avoid to think and talk about it. Trying to figure out how some of the suicide victims I got to know personally must have felt, I can just say that I always saw and felt an endless and incomprehensible nothingness that they experienced. This made me think and come to the realization that if there really is no reason to do anything, then there I also no reason to NOT do anything; that there is no reason to ever give into one’s fear or embarrassment or shame since it is all a bunch of nothing anyway. By spending my life avoiding what was painful and uncomfortable previously, I had essentially been avoiding being alive at all. This woman’s suicide marked the clearest before/after point in my life. I really knew I had to change or turn my life around. I morphed into a new person while still carrying some of my insecurities, struggles, and baggage.  But this made all the difference and was transformational. Strangely, it was someone else’s death that made me appreciate life so much more.

The other day I went for a run. Running steadily, my leg muscles stretched and ached since I just started to train again. The cold wind screamed across my face but I kept running. I looked up. The sky was bright and beautiful. There was even a bit of sunshine. I was sweating, yet cold. Excited, yet nervous. Can I run away from it all? I stopped for a moment. Who is that at the horizon? I saw his familiar green jacket, his bicycle and I smiled. He smiled back and signaled me to run towards him. What if this is it? What if this is all there is? Then I would be happy. I shuffle on. In his direction. Against my mind. Against my thoughts and fears. One foot forward. Everything is okay. Being alive is so awesome.

Did he swallow a bat?  Oma and Opa sent a package from Germany and in it was this amazing jar of Nutella. Do I, as a holistic nutritionist to be, agree with this? YES! It is all about balance and moderation. Like it is with everything in life. Eating Nutella once in a while is not a bad thing because I feed my son many good things and make sure he eats nutrient-dense foods most of the time. He is a very strong, healthy child overall so I think I do something right.

He turned five in October and I have to say, this is the most amazing and stressful time.  Now I experience single parenting at its best. I have help from my friend(s) and my friend’s parents but most of the time, I am sailing this ship alone making sure it does not sink. Joel is a very easy child. Raising and getting to know him while connecting with his soul is awesome.  I can have a normal conversation with him. He understands, he responds, and he is so involved into science, art,  building and creating things. I can take him anywhere I want to go, and I do because I cannot afford a babysitter. I sometimes feel that he knows I am struggling and that this is a very difficult time in my life, so he behaves and helps me most of the time, ha.

The other night, Joel and I visited a friend for supper. We walked to her place and suddenly, Joel turned to me and asked, “Does the universe end? Is there a wall or something?” Ahm… yeah, big question, Joel. We passed a man walking his dog (“cute doggie, I want one”) and I told him about the universe expanding, and the work of astronauts, reminded him about the exhibit we have seen at the Space and Aviation Museum (Life in Orbit) and that time we met his hero Chris Hadfield. When Joel asks questions and then after I explained it to him, asks another follow-up and another one, I have explained the meaning of life to that child in the end.  I love it because it reminds me what is important and to simply listen to him.  For some time now, he is getting really curious about the world around him and wants to know how it all works.  He is at such a sweet age where everything feels enticing and magical.

How awesome are kid’s questions? They just drop them into regular chit-chat. Apparently, children ask an average of 73 questions a day, which sounds about right.

There are a few more that Joel has busted out lately:

Is infintiy a number? Mommy, show me the Pi-number? Well, since I am really good at math, this turned out to be no problem at all…

Does the moon really always follow us? Where is the Northern Star? (show me, show , me show me…… )

How do we make water?

Do we bury bodies or just skeletons? Can I dig one up? Why not? When ghosts show up in my dreams, are those dead people?

Where was I before I was born? (Seriously, 5 years old)

Mommy, do you need to pay the bank to get some money?

Mommy, you always tell me not to eat so much before swimming. WIll I get a cramp if I eat and then swim? What if I swim and THEN eat? Or if I drink and then eat, then swim, then sleep……… [this usually goes on forever]

Mommy, can you believe that living things MAKE living things? Me: Yes, my love. Him: Like, BIRTH living things. Does that hurt? Me: …..

Mommy, why can’t I see my eyes?

Mommy, where do babies come from? Me: Ask Kevin.

Mommy, what does love mean? Me: when someone likes someone a lot. Joel: So, I love you forever. Me: sigh…. (tears)

Here are some more fun things my son is concerned about:

Joel sees how my friend plays the guitar and he wants to play, too. I asked him the other day if he would like to take lessions. Joel shook his head: “I don’t want to play real guitar yet. I like when Kevin shows me how to play but for now, I rather want to play pretend guitar.”

On a snowy, cold day this week: Joel: “What a great day to play basketball or soccer”. Me: I don’t think it is possible. Everything is covered in snow. Joel: “Let’s call Keith. He will go with me to the soccer field and play forever if you don’t want. Then we have ham steak. Don’t worry, Mommy.”

“Mommy, how long until I am older than you?”

Joel: “What does revolution mean?” Me: “Where did you hear that word?” Joel: “A song on the radio.  (long pause) The song went a bit like something, something, something, something, something, revolution, something, something, something, something, something,….”

Joel: “I made two new friends at school today.” Me: “That’s awesome. What are their names?” Joel: “I don’t know their names! I can’t remember everybody’s name!”

Today, we celebrated Joel’s birthday. I still cannot believe he turned 5. In the morning I walked in his room with a homemade muffin and a candle in it singing happy-birthday.  He got dressed quickly because he knew his gifts were in the kitchen. Thank you Oma and Opa in Germany!!! We had breakfast, talked about our dreams like every morning but one question came up. “When someone does not call or send a gift on my birthday, does this mean they don’t love me?” I told him, that sometimes people are very busy and have no time but they still love you and sending gifts does not mean someone loves you. It takes a lot more than that. These are just materialistic things. He was fine with this explanation.

All his friends came over to our apartment and this birthday party was fantastic. Wine for the parents, food, snacks, candies, and the kids played so nicely in my son’s room for almost 2 hours straight. I had games planned, stories I wanted to read to them but they seemed so calm and content. No tears, no fights, I just let the kids be kids and play. No entertainment needed. This made me think of my birthday parties at my parents’ house. It was always awesome and comfortable. Often, I tie memories and experiences in my life to the things I had during those times. How much fun I had as a kid during my birthday parties; I want my son to experience the same things. Family, comfort, safety, and calmness even though these kids were losing it playing. [Joel’s room is still a disaster but who cares]. And I know he will remember this party, these feelings, and emotions he had because he lived in the moment. And so did all his friends.

While I sat in the kitchen with parents who wanted to stay and decided to hang out at my little apartment I thought about living in the moment. I sat there with them, we talked and it felt good. There were no problems. Often, the only difference between a problem being powerful is a sense that we chose it, and that we are responsible for it in some way. But if we shift our mind and say that it is all okay and it will all work out, it will. And experiences and memories shape us into who we are in this exact moment. While talking to the other moms I realized that our memories are built into us, and make us who we are. It was amazing to listen to some stories one mom shared about importance. While we may not remember the exact situation or times that something important happened in our lives, the results are within us. And they shared some of those experiences while the children played. It was awesome. After all, we have evolved to become the people we are today because of those past experiences.

Most of the guests left at around 6.45 pm. Some really close friends stayed longer. It was awesome to talk and hang out and chat about Panda Watch. Eventually, the guests left and we took my son to bed. He curled up and told me that he loves us and said thank you for everything. My heart melted. I cleaned up and started working on my assignments for school when my son called me again. He was still up because he was so excited and wanted to cuddle with me for a bit.  While I climbed up in his bunk bed he asked me who my (super)hero is. I told him that I do not have a (super)hero. He said that he loves me and that I am his hero because I have superpowers to make a party like this. He kissed me goodnight and fell asleep within five minutes. I stayed in his room for a bit longer and wiped away a tear or two.  What a fairytale ending to a perfect birthday party.

Am I perfect? No way. We are all always choosing. Choosing to send a gift, choosing to send an email or making a phone call. There is just this simple realization that we, individually, are responsible for everything in our lives, no matter what the external circumstances are. We cannot always control what happens to us but we can always control how we interpret what happens to us, as well as how we respond. We are always responsible for our experiences. It is impossible not to be, right? Choosing to not consciously interpret events in our lives is still an interpretation of the events of our lives. Choosing to not respond to certain events is still a response.

Am I my son’s role model? Yes! He trusts me. I am his safety and security without shame, guilt, insecurity or blame. Whether we like it or not, we are always taking an active role in what is occurring to and within us. We are also always interpreting the meaning of every moment and every occurrence and choose the values by which we live and the metrics by which we measure everything that happens to us. Even if it is a kids’ birthday party. The real question is: What are we choosing to give a f*** about? What values are we choosing to base our actions on?

I received great feedback for Joel’s birthday party from parents already which is so great. It was my pleasure! As it turns out, these days I have had many worthwhile parenting experiences on my own. Do you want to know my secret?  I share emotional stability, I am warm and friendly, energetic, compassionate, and intuitive but also open, sincere and excited about life. This is such an easy way to give and receive love and have healthy relationships with people (like this afternoon). But what it all boils down to is that my heart is full, as is my life.