.SOMETIMES RAW.

…”and seeing that it was a soft October night, curled once about the house, and fell asleep” – T.S.Eliot. 

I don’t know what it is about autumn or especially October that makes me feel good, happy and inspired. It is a new season and everything feels so good. New important friendships were formed while some old ones ended which made me see many things differently. I still have this feeling of “new” as I explore this town and country and start so many new chapters. 

I picked up Petit Joel from Preschool last Friday and what did I see in his tiny hand? A small pumpkin that all the children received after they learned about Thanksgiving, Halloween and Pumpkin picking. Last year, he experienced Halloween for the first time. He wore a devil-costume in bright shiny red and thought that he is a beautiful butterfly because of the wings. Whatever works, I reckon. This year he wants to be his favorite character Ryder from Paw Patrol. Halloween was never that big in Germany when I grew up. Decorating the house and all things spooky while wandering the streets trick-or-treating was just not popular. However, here it seems magical. Seeing everything through Petit Joel’s eyes is fantastic, so I am excited to enjoy these traditions with him. And somehow learn together as we go along. 

This is also the season for cozy nights with hot chocolate and warm blankets which Petit Joel and I celebrate most nights. Upon waking up this morning we did not feel well. Coughing, sneezing and mostly headache but we nevertheless decided to go to the pumpkin patch at Miller’s Farm. Fresh air is never a bad thing so we dressed almost properly and drove to Manotick, Ontario. 

It was Petit Joel’s and my first time at a pumpkin patch and we both loved the very family-oriented Pumpkin Festival they organized. The hayride, pumpkin picking, the farmers market and all the local products at Millers’ Farm are just great and made me happy. Since I live here, I mostly try to buy local, organic products and to find a place with a plethora of choices is a good thing. Thank you, Andrea! Petit Joel walked around with eyes wide open for most of the time. Especially, when he ate the peanut butter cookies. I love apples and when I asked a farmer which apples they could recommend he grabbed without hesitation in one basked, handed me an apple and said: “This one! Take a bite!”  My new favorite apple: Ambrosia! They are grown here in Canada and so delicious. Even my picky-eater son tried and LOVES them. 

So, what is happiness? Is it just a “subjective-well-being”? Or If I am satisfied by what I have achieved in life and where I stand these days? Is it about meaning and purpose in life? Is it to be my best positive self? My true self? I don’t focus on material wealth and practice minimalism whenever possible which makes me happy. Food for thought on a Sunday evening. Having spent the day with great people I love makes me smile, laugh and happy. Eating pho makes me happy too. And books. But looking into my son’s eyes and how happy he was with his pumpkins is pretty much the best thing in the world. [And pho!]

Some more photos from our day. Enjoy! The color-play started in Canada! Breathtaking! 

Hey there.

It’s me! Do you still remember me? Yeah, I used to write here daily. Those times are O-V-E-R; at least for now. My main address is the University library. You can find me on the third floor buried under a pile of books and papers. Okay, I stop complaining. Sometimes one has to be careful what “one” wishes or asks for, right? And every experience can be a positive one if we just choose to see it that way. 

I just rode my bicycle home from class and I had to put my scarf and jacket on. This little evening summer-warmness is definitely gone and during the day it happens more often these days that this weird cold just touches my bare shoulders to just remind me to put my cardigan back on. Fall is here and I am excited to experience it in Canada with all its beauty. I want to be healthy and sane so here are a couple of tips how I uplift my spirits throughout tough times, papers, assignments, oral presentations and life. 

Meditation. 

I have spoken to a friend in class recently about staying sane throughout all this studying and she told me that she has a routine in the morning that she sticks to and it works for her. She gets up, meditates and has chocolate and an expresso after breakfast just because why would you want to wait to treat yourself to something special in the afternoon. Good point I think. Most important for me is this quiet time to mediate for 10 minutes in the morning. Every morning. A bit of Yoga stretching on my mat that I placed next to my bed so I can just fall onto it. Perfect. Let’s start the day right. I also love to say

Thank you. I am awake. I have one more day of experiencing this awesomeness called LIFE on this planet. I am grateful for this and don’t think about having to get up early as a burden. I don’t take it for granted that I can breath this air, get up without pain and do all these amazing things all day long. After my son and I have breakfast I put him in the stroller and we walk to daycare/University during the week. We actually walk through a park, pass a playground and are in nature. We look at all these leaves and how they change color daily. We talk and tell each other stories. Spending as much time as possible in nature is very important to me. Eating heathy and drinking a lot of water also helps me. I make sure to drink at least 8 – 10 glasses of water a day! 

I try to stop, reflect and accept what is going on right her and now and what drives me crazy. The moments when Petit Joel makes me upset, I step back, take a deep breath and think about what it really is that makes HIM upset. The same goes for me. Usually, when I just FEEL, I know what is wrong and I feel better shortly after. It is usually not the “red light” and that I cannot drive that makes me mad. Think about it!

I also think about what I really want. Some thing I cannot control; for example how someone else acts. I stopped focusing on all the things that could go wrong and instead I pay more attention to what is and could go right in my life. Being negative all the time takes so much energy out of me and I need it to survive the 3rd floor in the library. Also, negativity does not get me anywhere. Does it get YOU anywhere? It does not give me control over any situation, but rather less peace in these moments when I need it. 

You know what also lifted my sprits? When I make someone else happy. The other day, there was a woman at Starbucks in front of me and she ordered a coffee and a croissant. When she approached the register, she realized that she forgot her wallet. She emptied her entire bag and was devastated. My- whole- life- is- in- that- wallet- kind of situation. I paid for her coffee and croissant and she was so happy. I hope she found her wallet. [Also, how my friend Judith made me happy when she bought me a Grande Latte twice before class on a Friday morning. [8:35 am!!] One last thing that lifts my spirits: The fact and realization that nothing is forever or permanent. Imagine how boring life would be. Not this feeling, not this moment, not this life  stays the same – change is inevitable. So I try to live in the HERE and NOW. 

Have a good day! 

“You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him/it drink it.”

Hi There. 

I don’ want to get off on a rant here but I want to talk about family members today. Nobody and nothing is perfect. Every family has their ups and downs. There are always challenges and disagreements. Every family has one or even more members who they, for whatever reason, do not get along with. Some members in my family think I am arrogant, don’t like me for X, Y and Z, think that I think I am something better or I simply said something that I thought was okay but apparently it was not. And instead of talking about it, there is just silence. I have been accused of a bunch of things too. Like I should socialize my son and put him in a Kindergarden already. Or, that I have not achieved anything in my life because I still lived at my parent’s house when I was 35 years-old. I am not even going to justify anything here. I know what I did, what really took place and why certain situations happened this way. Things have been said. Hurtful things. Language is a powerful tool. Or then again, nothing has been said. Which is, in a way, worse. When I did something bad and my mom was really angry, she did not scream and yell. She did not speak to me or my siblings anymore for a while. This was hell. Seriously. I hated it so much.  

Growing up at my parent’s house was 95% fun, tons of laughter and joy. I seriously had the best childhood ever. Love you, Mom and Dad! However, some times I do not want to remember. A lot of name calling, screaming, rejection -mostly among two siblings. Many times, I did not know where this temper, explosions, rage, uncertainties, self-doubt or even lack of self-confidence came/comes from. As a child, I did not really understand how inappropriate many of these fights and arguments were. But I grew up. I learned. Some family members did not however. I really wanted this to stop. What a waste of time to constantly argue; watch what you say because the family member could get offended, angry or challenged.  

Let this sink in for a minute. 

Just a couple of years ago, I was not able to deal with any type of unacceptable treatment. Now, since I am older and wiser,  I see things a bit more clearly and I am able to even repair certain relationships and connections I have had trouble with. Distance was key but also in a way counterproductive because years of fighting, arguing and having this “fake friendship” just did not fix what was broken a long time ago. To make this all work and reconnect, everybody has to change their behavior a bit. These days, my relationship with some family members is on ice. Upon asking if everything is okay, I of course get an answer, but not like it used to be. 

I always believed, family means everything. This is where you get your strength and security; it is home base. I realized in a sad way, that this is not the case. And that some family members are just too difficult to deal with, or mean, pull me down, destructive and somewhat controlling. Small issues, like political choices or religion, I just don’t even bother anymore. I just smile politely and let it go. I am talking about when family members are just toxic and consistently harm others emotionally. Physically is of course also an option but not in my case. What I learned is, that just because someone is a family member does NOT make this behavior acceptable. You know what is more important than anything else? My personal emotional well-being and my health. Without those, I am lost. And who wants to spend time with someone who has no self-confidence or low self-esteem and pulls you down, is angry or has bad temper constantly, takes advantage of you (money, time whatever), manipulates, takes no responsibilities for their actions or blames you for their problems? Or, if you cannot be yourself whenever they are around because you have to act according to what they like, what they want to hear. 

So, long story short: I know I cannot control the other person, I can just control my actions and response towards them. I just have to set clear boundaries because some things that have been said are just unacceptable and I don’t want to be treated this way.  Some family members have problems to stand up for themselves and are not honest about their expectations or needs. Or they are just quiet and don’t say anything about it. This way, I don’t even know what I actually did or said that offended them. I just don’t make excuses for anybody anymore. Everybody is responsible for their own choices in life and the resulting actions. Simple as that. And by making excuses, their “bad behavior” just continues because I support it in some way. I acknowledge their behavior however; because nobody is perfect. Their circumstances in life, lack of knowledge and skills had brought them to this point in their life. And again, everybody can make personal and life changes anytime. If they want to. 

Finally,  if nothing else works, I have to cut this/these particular family members out. Completely. Is it nice? No, because it is family. But it is necessary if I get more pain than joy out of a relationship. All I want is respect, trust and honesty. It is not asking for a lot, but for some people this all means nothing because they have “their real friends” who they can trust.  

Is it possible to repair a relationship after a long time of no contact? It is difficult, but not impossible if both sides agree to it and are willing to work on it. I also know, that these particular family members love me – deep inside; maybe it is just some life skills they are lacking, I don’t really know. 

Do you have a “toxic” family member who you cannot deal with? How do you handle the situation? I would love to hear from you.