.SOMETIMES RAW.

“My affection goes with you – Rolling Junk – with you and with all the faded trappings that have brightened my youth and glittered with hope or promise on the roads I have travelled – roads that stress on still, less white, less glamorous, under the stars and the thunder and the recurrent inevitable sun.”

Hello and Happy Sunday.

How was the egg-hunt? Or have you spend the day reading? I read a lot the past two days. I realized that if I am in the same room as my son and he sees me reading he picks up one of his books, sits down next to me and “reads” as well. Perfect. Win-win! I decided to write a small book review on this beautiful Sunday because I read this amazing book and I have not written a review in a while. Keep on reading if you would like. 

I picked up a copy of F.Scott Fitzgerald’s The Cruise of the Rolling Junk at the Leipzig Book Fair and could not wait to start it. I just knew I would not be disappointed. I have read Tender is the Night and The Great Gatsby and enjoyed both books immensely. The Cruise of the Rolling Junk is a small book that I read pretty quickly and I was intensely affected by his words. Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald (1896-1940) was an American writer of many short stories and novels which have been seen as evocative. However, he is seen by many as one of the greatest writers of the twentieth century and a writer of the “lost Generation”. He was married to Zelda Fitzgerald. 

The story is very simple but beautifully written. Zelda out of a sudden has this passion for biscuits and fresh peaches from her hometown in Alabama. Trying to please his wife no matter what, Scott agrees and both take off from Connecticut and drive in their somewhat unstable car that they call “Rolling Junk” for simply please to Alabama. Things do take a different turn throughout their travels and you learn a lot about Zelda as well as Scott and their troubles within themselves and with each other. I think that this road trip is very romantic, crazy but idealistic and Fitzgerald just knew how to describe nature pleasantly and colorful. His writing is brilliant and the reader can dive deep into post-war American culture and all their dreams throughout this time. The way they both drove around together, sometimes fighting, arguing and trying to constantly fix this car  reminded me a bit of Sisyphus. Do you remember the story? Sisyphus was condemned by the Gods to roll a stone up and down a hill continuously. Isn’t this the most meaningless task ever? But what could one do but roll on and on anyway. He just realized many times that he could not fix the car which broke down so many times but he kept on trying and trying to just roll on in a way. And he in a way felt like he was condemned to drive to Alabama – as he even says in the book. I think Scott’s marriage to Zelda  can be analyzed with this approach. I don’t want to get to deep into this but I think that it is some sort of a junk(ness) of being or absurdity that we have to accept in a way before we can “move on”. 

The book is beautifully done with several pictures of Zelda, Scott and the Rolling Junk while they are on their adventure and reminds me a bit of On the Road by Jack Kerouac which is also a great read by the way. Zelda and Scott Fitzgerald are very well depicted in Woody Allen’s movie Midnight in Paris. Get your copy of The Cruise of the Rolling Junk here. Below I added a documentary on F. Scott Fitzgerald that I liked. Enjoy! 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVB0qWLCnEo&list=PLfe7zpjR9oZuxACVQiKQ_OD2-LH5gtMPZ

Hello and Happy Thursday. 

I wanted to write this post yesterday but I do try to stick to my post-schedule. Well, let me tell you, this week has been insane. My little guy made me crazy this week. He changed. A lot! In like four days or so and I don’t know exactly what happened but he just threw these tantrums for the first time. It felt somewhat like this. Everybody warned me of the “crazy-two’s” but for some reason nothing happened so far. He will turn 2 1/2 years next month so we are halfway in already with no complaints. Ask me most days and I will tell you that I would love to have TWO kids. Seriously, the thought sounds tempting. Another little baby, oh, so cute, breastfeeding I would not mind – it is no big deal. It seems like I am talking about getting a new book, car, tattoo or passport picture. 

Thinking about the last days I must be nuts to even think for one second to become pregnant again and that I have way more on my plate with this little guy I already got.

So this is how it all started. My son sleeps in pretty late which I love. Especially since I stay up at night to get my writing, reading and researching done. Anyway, I usually do get up early in the morning as well because I love to have time alone and time for myself.  I was content and in a good mood and looked forward to see my son when he wakes up. Well, that morning was different. He woke up and was mean, almost evil. Can a 2 1/2 year-old child be mean? YES! He most certainly was. I do understand that not every day is happy-sunshine. I have days too when everything seems off. But, holy shit! He started screaming for no reason. Seriously, he did not even get out of bed yet. He screamed, cried, threw his teddy bear out of his bed and I thought I am in the wrong picture here. Usually he is pretty excited to see me in the morning. He is happy, talks, smiles and wants to get dressed to start the day and to have his breakfast. 

Within minutes I lost my calm asking myself what could be possibly wrong with him. He did not want to get changed, did not want to come downstairs with me – not tricks I use worked; nothing worked. At night when I took him to bed, there were actually tears that sprang from my eyes – I almost cried like a little girl and felt like Bukowski in Post Office:

“I put on some bacon and eggs and celebrated with an extra quart of beer.” [in the case I would replace beer for some wine. Bukowski is still awesome!]

How much I despise days like these. When everything seems nice in the beginning and then it turns into a complete mess. I did not ask for this. How can I stay calm? The story of course continued the next day. I did manage to take him downstairs and prepare his breakfast. He pushed it away. “No! Nein!” All I see are the slices of banana and strawberry-jam bread on a plate that slide over the table down to the floor. Almost silently until this nice compilation of artwork hit the floor. Should I scream at him? Should I even hit him? I never hit him. I think hitting is just wrong. But this is material for another post. I never hit him but this morning I was very close let’s say. He cried, screamed, and I did nothing right in his eyes. Actually, at this point, I had to step out of the kitchen. [I do this usually when things get heated and I don’t know what I would do next] and sat in the living room crying for a bit. I mean, at this point we were both in bad moods obviously and I just wanted to cool down. 

I thought he cooled off and came back to the kitchen and tried to dress him to go out for a bit to get some fresh air. The plan was also to pick up some chocolate cake that my grandma bought. He was fine with it and actually put his shoes on by himself. Wow, I thought. Cool! We were outside for maybe ten minutes when it started again out of nowhere. His watch [he has a wrist watch because he is obsessed with watches lately and my mom bought him a cheap one that ticks and he can turn on a light] was a little loose on his wrist. Yep, of course, why not scream the entire neighborhood down, right? I mean, he had a valid reason. Actually, he had another watch in his pocket [my grandma gave it to him!] and he started to put this one on his wrist now. It did not work because the damn watch is too big so he screamed, cried, threw himself on the ground. Okay, great. Yay. All I wanted at this point was to get that damn cake. No matter what. Child screaming or not. Stupid wristwatches I thought the entire time – also cursing silently! 

Eventually, we made it to my grandma’s house and I got the damn cake. Now we needed to get home. He screamed and cried. The entire way back however I lamented that it is illegal to leave a toddler somewhere alone on the streets in the morning  to run away or maybe just to go to the next store to get a bottle of vodka or wine. When we finally made it home, he calmed down a bit for whatever reason. My approach is to ignore these tantrums from now on as much as somehow possible and give him some love as soon as he has calmed down. Most days are not bad. He is a happy camper usually and is so sweet. There are even days when I just want to scream out loud that I.LOVE.HIM.SO.MUCH! just over and over again. I just cannot even imagine my life without him and I love him so much. 

I am signing off now because he just woke up and is crying. 

Do you have kids? How do you deal with Tantrums?  As a mother, I would love LOVE to hear some insight, tips and tricks how to make all this madness easier. 

Hello and Happy Monday. 

First of all I miss my husband. Dearly! Not being together is tough. Some days are harder than others and simply put – today sucked. He felt the same way and wrote to me that he misses me in the mornings a lot and that this is the worst time. Oh well, I hope it is all worth it in the end and I stop whining now and eat some hardboiled eggs and cheese or I try a recipe from Budget Bytes to spice up my mood. This usually works.

While missing my husband I remembered a great conversation we had not too long ago while sitting in our little office sharing a bottle of wine and writing. We spoke about Doctor Google. I don’t know if you have ever googled any symptoms you might have experienced, are not comfortable with or are wondering about, but I did. Many many times already. Sort of like “My left eye is twitching for a couple of days now on and off. What could it be?” Or “I did not have my period in seven days, I am on birth control and my right eye twitches. What could that be?” When I was pregnant with my son I used Doctor Google ALL the time. No kidding. Whatever symptom I felt that was something out of the ordinary I googled it. I went on Baby forums to discuss with “other mothers or mother’s to be” what this and that could mean. I don’t know if you heard of Doctor on Demand but this website and downloadable app does exist. Whatever works for you, right? Are you a hypochondriac? In German the word is Hypochonder but I think it could easily be replaced by Cyberchonder. [Wondering: Did I just invent a word?]

So the other day I ran into a friend while I was outside with my son and his new bicycle [I still cannot believe it. Can someone stop the time? He was just born, no?] and I asked her how she is doing. She literally looked at her phone to check one of her million apps to show me her latest heart rate while running followed by her weight tracker.

Okay, I am running around with my son all day, I am breathing normally, eating healthy [mostly, damn chocolate you!] and I get a decent amount of sleep. And if someone asks me how I am, I do not have to check my phone constantly. I know way too many people who use health trackers, digital step-counters, fitness-wristbands and whatnot and trust all these devices to measure their life. Isn’t it almost like an app a day keeps the doctor away? Many don’t even listen to their body anymore but rather rely on these health checkers to keep track of every move they take. Some use logbooks to document every physical and psychological condition they are in. From food intake, pulse measurements, heart beat, cycle, oxygen level, sleeping phases  and weight reduction- everything is trackable and can be even shared online on Facebook with your “friends”. 

There is even an app that tells you if you are good in bed. It might look something like this [and no, this is not my spreadsheet, hah!]: 

Researchers already work on robots that are able to feel, show emotions, try to give them consciousness and such to make them humanlike for a long time. Do we want to be all about calculations and so predictable? When do they come out with a psychopath-shazam app? HAHA! Yep, I am funny! And I would maybe download this one!  As far as my life goes, I rather run around until I am completely out of breath while chasing my son. And I won’t control or check my heart rate with an app. I believe that if one uses a navigation system all the time loses the fun in life. I rather train my instinct, intuition and ignorance than to question my body functions through some apps constantly. Also, I find most of them way too complicated to use on a daily basis. The closer you measure and look, the more you figure out and find something.

And if I am in bed and my heart beats weird or I am tossing and turning I do not need to track this with some apps. The only thing I miss is my husband or sleep. [Je t’aime mon amour!]  The world is crazy and fast as it is and you might think by measuring and controlling at least the screen of your phone you figured it all out. Just be careful that you won’t run in front of a car while checking the app that counts your steps.