.SOMETIMES RAW.

Or is it not? Caught your attention though. Once upon a time, I walked into a famous Vienna coffee house (Café Ritter) during lunch hour, headed straight to the lone empty table and was about to sit and write, when the guy to my right grabbed the chair and pulled it closer to himself saying, “This is taken.” “Oh, okay,” I said, looking for another empty seat. I found one easily and ordered a glass of wine while I got comfortable with my book.

He hogged that chair for about one hour waiting for his date I guess, leg shaking, unlocking his phone several times to zero messages and zero buzzing and locking it again while twisting a full 90 degrees every five minutes to check the door. “She will never come,” I wanted to say but I remained silent. However, it made me nervous just sitting next to this man. There was so much commotion and movement that I thought he was going to have a heart attack. Being alone at a café is not the worst thing in the world but waiting for a date is, I guess. I love to write at cafés. There, I am a little more self-aware and self-conscious. I like to be present, to enjoy the solo time I have crafted for myself by choosing to sit and focus without anyone else. The anonymity is nice. Being away from the quiet safety of my routine at home, I can pause and take in my new environment. My brain fires in different ways and the writing comes out fresher, less inhibited. I am more open overall. This openness has never failed me. Many times I literally do nothing at all. I sit, watch people and get inspired.

“The quality of life is a proportion, always, to the capacity for delight the capacity for delight is the gift of paying attention.” – Julia Cameron

The unbearable lightness of being bored.

At this point, the hogging-chair person still waited for his date. Still on the phone. Out of a sudden, a little buzz on his phone followed by his sad face. This made me think about technology. When I grew up, there were no cell phones. Or at least no smartphones (How smart are they really?). These days, it is so easy to just send a short message and your date is sad. Our digital age is so full of distractions. It is not unusual to have two or more screens in front of us when we sit down to relax. The first thing everybody does is to put the cellphone on the table before ordering something. For many people, barely a commute goes by without plugging in headphones to listen to something or cramming in another game of Candy Crush on the train. While constant mental stimulation might be the new norm, research suggests that being alone with our own thoughts has surprising benefits. A recent study found that boredom has the potential to spark enormous productivity and creativity. I usually have my strokes of genius while lingering in the bathtub or shower. I know too well that it is easy to feel defeated in more areas than one when it comes to the daily grind. This especially rings true for me this year and I have constantly been on the prowl to find ways to make my life easier.

One of the most delightful benefits of boredom, however, is the ability to fill that brain-space with a daydream or two. Sometimes, letting your mind wander might seem like a crazy thing to do and you may feel guilty because you need to get the spreadsheets to Angela in Accounts but do it anyway because it is so good because our minds are just as powerful as the devices we distract them with. We should give ourselves time to pay attention and allow us to linger in the moment, accept the moment the way it is and cut the garbage out. Just hit the pause button once in a while throughout the day. It is okay to step away and recharge. Also, sleep. Good sleep is crucial; and awesome. Then nothing is really f****d.

I started all over again in a new city; in a new country. This also entails changing phone numbers, bank account, passwords and whatnot which is always very annoying. The other day, I tried to sign up with a government website in Vienna. This is what happened:

Thank you for creating your new online account! We are pleased you are with us. Please choose a password.

Password: lovemyson

Error: Password must contain at least nine alphanumeric characters, including one number

Password: Ilovemyson2

Error: Password must contain at least one hard-to-guess number

Password: Ilovemyson9

Error: Password already exists

Password: Ilovemyson88

Error: Number is inappropriate. [why not?, Ooooooh, 88, HH…. I am in Vienna]

Password: mysonmybestfriend1

Error: Password must be less sad

Password: mysonisagoodfriend1

Error: Capital letters required throughout password

Password: MySonIsaGoodFriend1

Error: Password must contain two numbers

Password: MySonIsaGoodFriend12

Error: Password is easy to guess

Password: IReallylikeSomeoneElseToo12

Error: Sounds great but maybe this is an unattainable fantasy if he does not know it

Password: ItoldhimandhefeelstheSameWay2

Error: Be careful and take things slow. You just got out of a huge mess! [ I guess the internetknows everything!?]

Password: HowCanItaketheRelationshipToTheNextLevel?!12

Error: Did he meet your parents? Did you meet his parents? Does your son like him?

Password: Hedidandtheylikehim!Mysonloveshimtoohecanlifthimupsidedown!12

Error: Enjoy time together. Here and Now.

Password: CanIUsethisasAPassword?12

Error: No. I want to know more about this new guy.

Password: JsusChrst666

Error: Password cannot take the Lord’s name in vain.

Password: ButIamanAtheist777

Error: That makes it worse!

Password: iH8You69

Error: Let’s not take this down that road

Password: HeIsSmartandHandsomeAndLetsMeBeMyselfHeAlsoMakesMeLaugh

Error: Does he give you a break from parenting?

Password: HeDoesanditFeelsGreatMySonActuallySaysThaTHeLovesHim<3

Error: Your son does not have a father figure in his life?

Password: HisFatherNeverCallsButHeLovesMyFriendWhoTalksandListensToHimMySonActuallyHoldsHisHand12!

Error: Why does his father act like this?

Password: IDoNotKnow!HeChoosesToBeThisWay!MaybeHeIsTooAfraidofWhatMayHappenIfheTalksToHisSonAndHowHeWould React

Error: That seems not very smart. Does his son miss him?

Password: HisSonHasEverythingHeNeedsAndDoesNotMissHimButAsksWhyHisFatherNeverCallsAndIfHisFatherLovesHim!IQ164

Error: Haha! Funny. Next you probably tell me that he tried to kill 15 people with his bare hands?

Password: HeActuallyToldMeThatStoryOnNovember1st2018ButThereIsNoEvidenceHowever!FilesHaveBeenDeletedHeSaid12?

Error: Oh wow. This is crazy. Is he at least paying child support?

Password: NopeHeIsNotButHeComesUpWithGreatExcuses!

Error: Wow. Why wouldn’t he pay for his own son and be responsible? When was the last time he saw/spoke to him? Also, I saw on LinkedIn that you currently don’t have a job.

Password: HeChoosesNotToPayHeSawHimLastinMay2018AndHasNotSpokenToHimSince!YesIdoNotHaveAJobYetButWillHaveOneInJanuary2020IDoNotHaveAnIncomeUntilThen12!

Error: Wow! What father does that? How do your son and you survive financially?

Password: IDoNotKnowWhyHeDoesIt!WeSurviveOnMyPensionAndHelpFromFamilyandFriends 12!

Error: Wow. I, as a Computer, am shocked and I am not supposed to have feelings. I have nothing to add at this point. You can choose any password you would like.

Password: JustPaytheChildSupportYouOweYourSon1!

Congratulations! Your password is set!

Do you think our relationship works? Right here, right now? Do you think we are good for each other? Right here, right now?

How do you feel in the presence of your partner? Do you feel understood and respected? Do you feel secure? Are you laughing together? Can you be yourself no matter what? Do you feel comfortable and happy? Do you have hope that everything will be better someday? That your partner will change? Coulda, shoulda, woulda never works! It either is, or it is not.

Life is short. I believe we should be happy 98% of the time. I also believe that the deeper sense of a relationship is that both partners are good for and to each other and help in their personal development. A relationship that does not make you happy and rather mostly sad, should end – like right now. It either works or it does not. By taking a closer look at my (married) friends and relationships I have to say that most of the time, it does not work. Keep in mind that if it feels weird in the beginning, it will never work out. I believe a relationship works if you have similarities and the same interests such as humor, intelligence, same values and ideas, life circumstances and goals, personal maturity, sexuality and motives of a functioning relationship. Rule number 1: You cannot change your partner. You get what you see!

I don’t believe that opposites attract; this concept just works pretty well in movies. Both characters have to be compatible, understand each other and create intimacy. A relationship can only work if you find each other interesting when there is mutual respect and understanding. So, if you are lucky and find someone out there whose nature is (very) similar to yours (which is rare) you should go for it and give it a chance. Your souls can dance together in silence. No words needed.

I wrote a letter to someone very special who is in an abusive relationship but does not have the strength (yet) to get out on her own. It is so bad that she is not even allowed to leave the house without him.

Common sense taught me some life lessons that I want to share regarding toxic relationships. Just in case you don’t know when a relationship is toxic, I will give you some insight. A relationship is incompatible when there are constantly riddles and explanations. You like each other but both have completely different interests and desires and zero similar interests. You shouldn’t have to explain yourself or clarify things to your partner all the time. Things should be clear and make sense. No huge surprises.

Most importantly, soul connection is missing. You don’t understand him, he does not understand you. Connection on a deeper level takes time, friends. It usually does not happen at a bar after several drinks. After a while, we are facing reality in our new relationship. The first argument occurs because our partner does not see things the way we do.

If my partner would just see things the way I do, things would be perfect.

If both partners fight this fight, nobody will win. The next stage is that one partner loses respect for the other, and finally the joy and excitement of life. The crazy things is that both partners can still love each other throughout all this mess because love and compatibility are not the same. I believe every bad choice we made in selecting a partner is a good lesson. This way we learn, we start to listen to ourselves, we learn what our soul really needs and wants and what was missing. We learn that it is okay to feel good and that you have to find the courage to end a toxic relationship. Leave, learn and move on. It will be hard in the beginning but the future is bright.

“I don’t know if I am in a toxic relationship!”

Before you start a relationship with someone, you may want to clarify: What they think is important to them in a relationship. How they want/do not want this relationship to be (open, etc.). What do they want to share with you? How much alone-time do they need/do you need? Compromises and which ones? Conflicts and which ones? Traumatic relationship and childhood experiences? Do they love themselves? What causes issues/anger issues? What are the strengths/weaknesses? What does love mean to them? Just in case you don’t know: Whenever your partner hits you, it is not a healthy relationship! I am happiest in a relationship whenever I am understood and feel secure and safe. I want to laugh with my partner and have fun. I don’t want to be afraid of saying/wearing/doing something wrong.

Introducing Ronia Fraser

Are you interested in this topic and want to know more? Are you stuck? Are you in a toxic relationship? Do you need help with all this? Contact my friend Ronia Fraser if you are ready to recover the true you. She won’t help you get out of a toxic relationship but she will guide you to get a different perspective.

Ronia Fraser is an internationally certified and award-nominated Transformational & Recovery Coach, NLP Master Practitioner & Trainer, Clinical Hypnotherapist and Havening Techniques® Practitioner, specialized in Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching (NARC) – based in London, UK, and Los Angeles, USA. More importantly, Ronia Fraser is a survivor of Narcissistic Abuse and draws not only from her professional expertise but from her first-hand personal experience. She offers personalized treatment, tailored to your individual circumstance and requirements, designed to help you stabilize your emotional wellbeing, remove triggers and identify and resolve long-standing unhealthy patterns and conditioning.

Ronia: “A toxic relationship goes much deeper than being incompatible and being on the same page. So does my work. I’m not helping people through their break up just because it didn’t work out and they guy turned out to be useless. It’s a whole different level. Actual toxic relationships consist of intentional manipulation, identity erosion, emotional blackmail, and calculated emotional and psychological abuse. Domestic violence. Financial abuse. Isolation. Gaslighting. Control and fear. Toxic relationships are based on codependency and addiction and lead to mental health issues. I’m not helping people through their break up just because it didn’t work out. I help them survive and put their lives back together”.

How to connect with Ronia Fraser:

Instagram. Website. LinkedIn. Facebook.

Ronia recently published a book “How to Heal from Narcissistic Abuse” and you can get it for free here.

Stay Happy. Stay Healthy.