.SOMETIMES RAW.

I got into a heated debate with someone the other day about whether a desire to change your partner makes you a shitty person. My argument is that it does not. My friend however implied, in so many words, that it did. I clarified that I did not want to change A LOT, only some things. Just a few! For some reason, I felt that my admission was uncouth, but I still believed I am speaking the truth many people in a relationship felt. My friend stood her ground. “You are not supposed to want to change the person you love. If you ever feel the desire to change them it means that you don’t love them.” 

Me: “Okay, point taken for now. You do not want to change a person. So, let’s shift the conversation to sex in a relationship!” I started slowly. I asked my friend how she feels about movie sex. She responded, “Usually, it is pretty squishy and unreal. Whenever the sex scenes last more than five minutes it seems weird and I hit forward on the remote. Nobody has sex like this, right?!” 

This time, I agree with her. Nothing gets me yelling at the TV faster than weird sex scenes. Honestly, most movie sex scenes are an insult to real sex everywhere I think. I don’t take personal offense but c’mon. Hollywood sex is mostly unrealistic and just horribly clichéd. Porn usually makes no sense and is good for just one reason but this is clear from the beginning. 

This made me think about the most outrageous movie sex myths that seem to have prevailed. Maybe a screenwriter reads this blog post and realizes that it makes sense to excommunicate dumb movie sex scenes immediately so people stop thinking that good sex is supposed to be anything like this. My words may cut surprisingly deep. Be aware. A chilly air may pass between the reader and me but this is normal because confrontation and talk about sex makes people jittery.

From Zero to 100 in 2 seconds. Meaning that there is this idea that there are literally no steps between wanting to have sex and being in the middle of it. This should not need any explanation really but no man can unzip his pants out of a sudden and start having sex. Usually, there are steps involved in this f****** process. I mean this literally. 

The woman- asking- to- use- the-toilet-bursting-through-the-door sex. This myth usually requires no foreplay in movies and nothing gets my eyes rolling more than a couple bursting through the entrance of a house, knocking things over while making out and of course furiously taking off the clothes still worn. WHO IS DOING THIS? Or better, who decides that this is sexy? 

The romantic mutual backward bed crash flip. A happy couple, so in love, falls, naked backward onto a bed (of course white sheets) in tandem. Doesn’t this seem so difficult? Second, what if someone left a knife on the bed? But more importantly and third, WHO DOES THIS? 

The extremely romantic removal of clothing. In movies, removing each other’s clothing seems awkward. The pants get tangled around the ankles or they almost suffocate each other removing a shirt or t-shirt. Unless you are Christian Grey (50 Shades of Grey). Enough of these unrealistic undressing standards. 

Sex is not just “jamming it in”. This is probably the worst and most egregious faux-pas because whenever I watch a movie and see a man jamming himself into a woman quickly and for the entire length of a sexual encounter is the worst. In my opinion, this just grossly underestimates what sex should entail. I do not know how else to say this more poetically but 1) sex is just not putting a thing into a hole and 2) other things need to be touched for the woman to experience an orgasm, duh! Which brings me to my next point: 

The female orgasm. Here is a question: How come 100% of movies depict women experiencing orgasms from p-in-v sex when only 25 percent of women even can? I am trying to avoid the word penetration here because my parents are reading this, but I must point out that women in movies are coming WAY TO MUCH from p-in-v sex and many times even at the same time as their partners. To be honest, this is not happening that often (or ever) either. Oh, and I hate the word intercourse. 

All or nothing. Communication is an important part of life and especially when having sex. I think a couple should talk to each other and share their desires and wishes. So what do sex movie scenes usually show us?  Awkward soundtracked silence or repetitive grunts and “yes oh’s yeeeeees’s”. There is an in-between, you know?! Let me remind you in case you forgot: it is an exchange of thoughts, feelings, and ideas. Wild, huh! 

All night sex and/or let’s do it again sex. The couple in the movie, all sweaty, moments after finishing and between heaving breaths say, “Let’s do it again!” and they roll over and get back at it. NOT HAPPENING. And it sounds very bad and tiring. I am not saying that no one does this but…. actually, I am saying that. No one does this. At least some time to recoup, ideally several hours…. and then, ideally you are cuddled up together and asleep. 

And can or should I change someone? I believe that maybe full, unbridled acceptance (flaws and all) is ideal to a fault. But I also think it is possible to accept someone while at the same time supporting their betterment, and the betterment of the relationship for a period of time. You don’t want these issues to linger on for years. There is a difference between supportive encouragement and critical punishment. 

“Patience is the calm acceptance that things can happen in a different order than the one you have in mind” – David G. Allen

I have been forced (again!) to acknowledge that I am struggling with patience. I realize that so much in this process is beyond my control and life can take a different direction in one second. A friend told me that one can really test patience when sitting in a waiting room. “Are you still and peaceful as you wait or are you anxious, impatient and fidgety”, he asked. I learned that I need to take a closer look at all the things that happen to me while I wait. I think we are all waiting for something. For a new job, for your child to get over a nasty cough so he can sleep peacefully again at night, or for a throbbing headache to go away. Or something serious like waiting to get pregnant, for lab results, for a lost love to return or for a diagnosis. Others are waiting for a heavy blanket of sadness, grief or loneliness to be lifted from their hearts.

We spend weeks and months waiting for something to start or to end so something new can start. But in the meantime life does not stop. Things happen and life takes a new twist and maybe we hope and wait for someone else to organize our life for us to get a break but it won’t happen. I guess it all matters what type of waiter we are because, in the long run, the fruit of patiently waiting is inner peace. With this peace, we may realize that this job we have been waiting for might not be ours at all but maybe it is rather the perfect job for someone else. Or the person we would love to share our life with does not respond to our calls and messages because they are meant to be with someone else.

To look at waiting from a different perspective may make us realize that everything happens on purpose and in the end, we receive something so much better than we even hoped for. For me, waiting is closely linked to worrying which is exhausting and can drain. Waiting by letting time pass with contentment and the thought that everything will be fine, that most things do not matter and are under control, life is so much easier. However, this is easier said than done and takes a lot of practice. But the more I do it, the more I feel that life is not about achieving. It is not about getting, keeping or having. It is about letting go of expectations, staying true to myself and to let life surprise me. It is about watching my doubts and insecurities. It is about maintaining a willingness to continue, to accept, to hope, to trust, to bend in different directions and adapt and adjust. It is even more challenging while taking care of someone else. Sometimes this means to get up in the morning and make breakfast for someone even though you are exhausted.

These are the tough times. The times to let it all be okay and keep trusting that everything will work out in the end. To look straight ahead and keep going no matter what. To see the good in the things that are ahead and to let difficulties be turned into valuable life lessons. Sometimes it seems that others have it all, but they do not. They are waiting and struggling, too. Having is amazing, but the value of things is most often felt when we are longing for it. Maybe it is the distance I feel from what I want to achieve that allows me exactly how much I love what I am striving for and want to get.

So I stand up again. I keep reaching but I look at my wants closely enough to see that I am not naming what I lack, but what I love. And I love what I love. I am vigilant in this waiting process for the things that have not shown up yet while I get to know myself and the things I do have a little bit more. Taking a closer look at my life, I am very rich indeed. So, I make peace with it all and let go. I am grateful that I get to want in the first place and that I am learning through longing clarity while clearing away resistance and leap in the unknown.

It seems that everybody in this world watches the newly aired NetFlix show “Tyding up with Mari Kondo”.

I watched one or two episodes but became quickly annoyed by high-pitched seemingly set-up welcome ceremonies whenever Kondo walked into a house. It all feels too staged to me. I also cannot deal with her somewhat stubborn insistance that things have feelings. My Canada Goose Coat better keeps me warm here in Canada! Thank you, coat! I hope I don’t hurt your feelings when it is minus 25 Celsius. I choose a minimalistic lifestyle because it is a good tool to make life cheaper and easier for my son and I and to show him different values in life. My apartment is usually always pretty organized and clean. Growing up I have been taught that a house should always be in a stage that people can come over anytime and feel comfortable; meaning a visitor does not stick to things, can sit everywhere or can take a shower if necessary. I realize, however, that cleanliness of your house all depends on who you are and what your comfort level is. But I think it is just reasonable to offer a cup of coffee out of a clean cup.

Maybe you need some help cleaning without necessarily using the Mari-Kondo method who recommends “treating your bras like royalty” and refers to tidying up as a “once-in-a-lifetime special event”. I rather use common sense, which may be even crazier. Overall, I don’t want to create a personality disorder in motion.

I have read once that how your home looks directly reflects what is going on in your head. Some have the misconception that being tidy is a somewhat innate skill, however, cleaning does not come naturally to everyone because it is not a skill but rather a mindset. Start by tidying a bit every day. Put the things you used back right away. Throw away the obvious trash. If it smells and looks bad, it obviously does not spark joy but rather disgust. Get rid of your (Canadian) seasonal depression nest and remove empty beer and wine bottles. Maybe it is a good idea for you to start seeking help if wine, beer bottles, and empty food containers are in places where it is not acceptable; like all over the floor in your house for example.

A couple of weeks ago, I overheard a man telling his friend: “But it is just stuff!” I found out that “the friend’s” house burnt down to the ground. It was just a faulty living room fan that sparked a fire during the day while he was at work. My question is, how do you measure what your stuff means to you, especially in a moment like that? We never know when/if we lose everything and have to start from scratch. It may be even a good thing. Don’t burn your house down now! I just want to give some food for thought to get rid of accumulated and unnecessary junk and how I did it without preaching that you can only achieve the best version of you if your house is uncluttered like an art gallery of “white-everything”. It is also not a thing to maintain a sleek, spare home by throwing out everything you own, painting your walls in “White Dove” and sitting on the floor thanking your tiny table that you have left which holds your one plate to eat.

So, what to do with all this? Doesn’t this clutter-free existence exert a constant pressure that is oppressive in its own way? What really happens is that we all swim up a stream of things for our entire life. Our mind is filled with clutter. New things come and go and they rarely bring us long-term satisfaction but are rather exhausting. Why? Because it is not only our stuff that makes us anxious. It is also our phone and the thousand messages we receive every day to like, listen, follow, react, dislike, subscribe, retweet, insta-like, join, forward and consume. We are constantly threatened with interruptions and every moment is easily erased or subsumed by some more important message or video. Sadly to say, we live in a world of past and future clutter. We are so filled up with noise and interruptions, that it is difficult to be here, now. Things don’t just spark joy but also anxiety. My computer reminds me that deadlines are approaching, the news remind me that the world is soon coming to an end, the online school alert reminds me that I have to pay the fee for my son’s field trip and also to return his library books. Can I step away from this digital pandemonium? Nope.

Can I spark joy all by myself? Do I remember how that feels? A friend told me that “All of heaven is within you and nothing lasts. Just when you start to get comfortable, things change or you may even die. And if you do, maybe only one or two things of what you left behind are important to someone else when you are gone.” Now, here you are with all your possesions. Do the things you own define who you are? Do they make you a better person? I don’t think so. Overall, we don’t need more stuff. Before purchasing more, we should rather work with what we have instead. You don’t need more than this. Now go and light your white soy candle or open a window to let in some fresh air.