.SOMETIMES RAW.

(I need those arm bracelets ASAP!) 

So I saw Wonder Woman the other day even though superhero movies are not my thing at all. Or to pay $ 20 for a movie. In addition, whenever a movie is announced to be two-hour and twenty one minutes long my derriere tells me, “please just don’t!” However, insane world-wide box-office projections, reviews, announcements and the question if women can even have superpowers in the first place made me drag myself to the movie theater at 10 am on a Tuesday morning. 

The opening scene: A hot Diana (Gal Gadot) walks into the Louvre (is she an employee?) after she received a suitcase from Bruce Wayne (hot) who is interested in the story of an old photograph that was in the package. I didn’t know what is going on at all since I never read the comic-book or know anything about Wonder Woman at all but this is, in hindsight, not important. After I got really comfortable in my seat and the movie theater cleaning person in a tank-top disappeared, the real good stuff began. A fantastically animated ancient Greek mythology origin story kept me in awe for a while and I want to thank my friend Dat for introducing me to it all. I love how they combined and added this to the movie since I believe that mythology has a huge tradition in human history. Don’t we all just want to be part of things? Or something? Or rather nothing? 

The story continues by getting to know Diana as this cute little girl who lives on an island in paradise that is inhabited solely by Amazonian women who try to copy Gal Gadots’s great accent. I thought Russian, initially. I kind of loved this island from the start. The place is protected from the evil darkness of mankind (from men?) and apparently also from bad weather. Always blue sky, sunshine and beautiful beaches. [Most certainly they did not make this movie in Canada then!]  Also, there is no male person. Instead there is peace, harmony (there is the occasional fight but it gets all sorted out), no beer and pants and stuff all over the place; in other words: no trouble! 

Diana sees all the other Amazonian women train ever day for hours and she is eager to practice herself. However, her mom Hippolyta (Connie Nielson, also hot!) is smothering and protecting her like there is no tomorrow. There is also Antiope (Robin Wright, h** – I know it gets annoying, but this movie might have turned me into a lesbian for realz!) who secretly teaches Diana how to fight. Diana grows older and of course danger is just around the corner. Steve Trevor (Chris Pine, also kinda hot) crashes with a German fighter plane (right up my alley, I reckon) through the secure force shield of this awesome island and crashes into the ocean. He cannot unbuckle his seatbelt and Diana frees him. (Duh!) Shortly after, the Amazons have to battle the evil Germans who try to find Steve Trevor in a pretty awesome 300-style beach battle. The Amazons want to kill Steve Trevor immediately but Diana decides to leave with him after she saw his penis in a jacuzzi. He assured her that it is above average; then again, she has never seen a penis before, duh again! 

Steve told her that this War to End All Wars is happening right now and just outside this protective awesome island bubble. The big question is now if she will let all these killings and destructions happen while she is going back to the jacuzzi with Steve? Most likely not; this would make a pretty horrible and boring movie, right? Diana and Steve leave the awesome island on a boat and head toward the western front so Diana can find Ares (the God of War) and end the war on earth forever.  Not too much attention is paid to the mass murdering when they initially arrived in London but the main concern was that she gets dressed appropriately in “normal” clothes since she cannot walk around like this:

 Sword and shield missing. 

I think that the filmmakers found a perfect balance between Diana’s beauty, strengths, naïveté and her brilliance and to figure out how mankind can be so evil and create such a huge destruction. To add, the little romance between Diana and Steve transformed this movie only into the PGR 13 category. [Damn, I expected to see more!] In the movie, men are depicted overall like walking erections whenever they see Diana which is kind of annoying. There are some guys who don’t seem to be attracted to her so they are probably gay. (The Scottish dude?) Sometimes the truth hurts. I don’t want to spoil any more of the movie so go and watch it to figure out for yourself. Go early in the morning if you have kids and are fortunate to drop them off at daycare to see this movie in peace. Buy some popcorn. Even at 10 am. It is definitely worth it. 

My first real best friend was a blond girl named Veronika who, when I first met her, wore a somewhat pink princess dress for Halloween to Kindergarten. We met there when I was four years-old. She was three. And she cried. A lot. I asked her if she wants to play and this is how our friendship began. We spent nearly every day together for years. Either we played at my house or at hers. Whenever she got in trouble so did I. And vice versa. We started taking ballet lessons together and switched after a short while to Karate. (“Mom, can we please stop taking ballet lessons and rather practice Karate instead?”) We hated it. Especially the ballet shoes. We were attached and close; did homework together, played for hours and had countless sleepovers (even though we lived almost next door to each other). We grew older but were still so close. Her mom drove us to our favorite ice cream place and my mom cooked Spaghetti with meat sauce for us at home. Best friends for life. 

Later on, we went to different school and separated in some way. We did not spend that much time together anymore. Interests changed, we had our first boyfriend and became reclusive. I joined the Police Academy and she went to language school which was what I really always wanted to do. And this weird stage of our friendship went on for many years but we always knew what the other one was up to – mostly because of our parents who are friends to this day, too. Initially, we were as cliché as best friends could be. She was my safety net, my secret keeper but then we grew apart to some extend. We drifted apart. New friendships, weird experiences and whatnot. Who knows. We just decided to go in different directions for some time. 

I found new friends. Good friends. So did she. When do I call a friend my “best friend”? When they know all my deepest secrets and know me well enough to understand all my inside jokes by heart? A person you could tell anything and everything and know they will keep the secret? At some point I stopped using the term “best friend” to describe someone; it just felt childish. Almost like, “what is your favorite book or color?” But then again I realized that it is normal to feel more comfortable with one person rather than another, even when it is just a friendship. Some very close friends know a lot about me, saw me crying in the hospital waiting room, listen for hours when I am depressed about this damn thesis and others just slowly fade away like waves. 

My world expands daily and so do my friendships. Sometimes they are very long and deep, or short and deep. Sometimes weird but perfect and other times just very long yet low on artistic intercourse and everything else. They are just humming along in a way for years. Some are more nuanced than that. I don’t remember where I heard it but this sentence “Best friend is a tier, not a person” sticks with me ever since. (The Mindy Project?) For some reason, whenever I think about my confusing or weird relationships I have/had with people, thinking about this sentence makes it all click into one place in some way. I am German and I love to apply structure and a secure wall to feelings and things but is this always possible? 

Veronika flew to Canada to visit me a couple of weeks ago and we had the best time ever. Long talks. Wine, laughing, thinking, exploring, catching up, crying, hugging and more conversation. It was this level of intimacy and this sacred shared space and language that only we both understand and know. Our friendship is limitless and infinite and I never want to miss it. 

My recent post kept my inbox filled with questions for the last couple of days. I think more explanations are needed on why I took certain steps in my life. 

I asked a very good friend of mine yesterday if he is afraid of anything. He told me, “Yes, I am afraid of mice and birds!” Initially I thought, how can anybody be afraid of these little, innocent sweet things. But it is the context that matters. Why? We are not just afraid of things without a reason. I observe this with Petit Joel as well. He watches me. Constantly. I am not afraid of X, Y and Z, so he is not. I don’t  freak out about a spider or bee and neither is he. I don’t tell him bad things about dark, spooky places and he won’t get afraid. Easy so far? Read on. 

Whenever I catch myself in a place full of anxiety, stress, panic, confusion or even self-doubt, the little strength that I built up over time comes up and puts this nice, neat bubble around me for protection. It was not always that easy. I was scared to leave everything behind in Germany and move to New York. I remember this exact moment when I decided to make this switch in my life. This switch from routine, comfort, home and safety to uncertainty, thrill and insanity. I worried (German Angst) to leave my family and friends behind to take this job offer across the ocean and planting myself into a new city, all alone with my entire belongings/my life packed nicely in three suitcases. I was afraid to ride the subway in New York, I did not want to talk to strangers or to even approach them. I thought I will never pick up the language and my English is not good enough. I was 23 when I arrived in New York. Innocent but dumb enough to believe that I can make a living writing a column for a newspaper and have a nice brownstone apartment on the Upper East Side like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City. I spent a lot of time with myself. Alone. Thinking and reading a million books. And soon enough I remembered why I decided to make this switch in my life and that I needed this personal growth to realize that Carrie Bradshaw is not real (and sucks; I mean c’mon, she left Aidan!!!!). 

I pushed myself past my perceived boundaries and it was all okay. I looked at my apartment, my life and the strength that I gained which all ignited this little spark of inner confidence that eventually lit the fire. Pushing myself past these boundaries was important but there are also always setbacks and discouragements. Things that threw me back. Bad experiences. Birds and mice? Roaches? There are the victories and then again the self-doubt, the confusion, anxiety and questions like if this was the right decision to leave everything behind and start something new. So how do I deal with these feelings of sometimes exhaustion, discomfort, hating all this here especially the weather and this damn thesis on suicide notes (since I am human and I am not sugar coating anything here) and transform them into energy that will just make me feel good or propel me forward? 

My 80 year-old neighbor gave me the answer. She told me to just stop overthinking things. She said that we are so bombarded with stimuli and several distractions in our daily life and that we just lost sight in this incredible benefit of not thinking. She told me that whenever I feel like I am drowning or I am stuck with work on suicide notes, I cannot breathe correctly or I suffer from anxiety to just pause for a second, stop what I am doing and especially stop thinking. She said to just deeply breathe and re-center. Simple as that. I tried to make a joke by telling her that I never tried this technique with roaches in New York since luckily there are none in Canada. She just shook her head and said, “Rule number one, don’t try. Just let yourself be alone and the turbulent whirlpool in your head will quiet itself.” 

Since I suffer from, a let’s say milder form of, PTSD and know what fear, insomnia and nightmares are all about, this is pretty helpful. I believe that fear is just an illusion. An illusion that our mind creates which means I can slow down my thoughts,  worries and fearful, frightening chatter and especially those eyes that appear almost every night. I believe this is how I can reach mental clarity.