.SOMETIMES RAW.

I walked past one of my favorite coffee shops the other day. It just reopened the other day and has been closed since March 14th. I could barely recall what it was like to go there. I used to grab a coffee on my way to work. If I ever missed a morning, the shape of the day was incomplete. And here it’s been two months without it. I tried really hard to remember what it was like going there and then experiencing the simultaneous thrill of being dressed to go to work and the anticipatory buzz of imminent caffeination, and, for some reason, I even recalled this one memory of sitting in the back of the shop, writing and reading.

While thinking about this, I experienced a new sensation where suddenly, life BC (before corona) was not a memory the same way all the other ones were. It was a different entity. Almost like someone else had lived it. There was no through-line, stringing past experiences together with current reality, weaving it into the sweater called Me. Have you felt this way at all? Now that I think about it, I bet this, the finite separation of time: before calamity/after calamity, is the way a lot of people feel after they have encountered a significant bout of isolation and loss of “things”. For me, I am able to recognize who I was before this loss and I am still connected to who I am now. Things have changed but it is all good. #f***thatfacemaskthough

But the reason any of this is noteworthy at all is because I am not grieving or suffering. At least I don’t think I am. Am I? Do I really miss movie theaters? I have known for at least the last four weeks to throw the term “back to” away when discussing the topic of “normal”. There will be no going back. Only toward, forward, to something ….. I guess, New? Different? I am not really sure. Maybe this sudden red-sea-split of time is necessary, I thought while doing my daily Power Yoga Hour at home trying to gaze at my navel in Downward-Facing-Dog. What I am trying to say here is that I liked how a lot of things were in my life; my life before the pandemic. I would not mind going “back to,” instead of “toward.” Not all of it, but some of it. One thing I know for sure though: I won’t stand in line in front of any store to patiently wait to clothes-shop. Because I like to stop and think and sit still and discard the excess that I owned which Corona made me realize again.

But you know what? I have been doing all that while still missing some things in my life. And keeping this in mind, I am good. We are good. I am tired of excavating even though it served me well for a while. At least I am harvesting what is good, thinking less about the things I want to change, the things I look forward to change, and more about the things I had and knew and liked before the lockdown. Like, for example, work: colleagues, friends, the “team” – all of it. This world I get to have that is mine and independent of my “family duties”. It adds dimension and perspective and endurance to the relationships between these walls I call my lovely home. It also adds a bit of a thrill. The extent to which I used to look forward to Friday/Saturday nights to go out for dinner. Damn, we had it good.

No, still have it good. We went to the recently re-opened Zoo in Vienna last weekend. While my son played, I sat on a bench and watched someone’s child collect branches and then rub them against the soil, cleverly turning a stick into a pen to write in the dirt which reminded me of a Kurt Vonnegut quote I find myself coming back to every time simple pleasures trump complicated thoughts: “If this, the stand-alone satisfaction of sitting on the grass with my kids, isn’t nice, what is?“

Time is different now. And maybe I am grieving how it was before because I know it won’t be the same. It can’t be. Even if I tried to restore the past, it is not only too far removed from the present, but it is also too foreign a concept. Talking about time, after ten weeks of quarantine, there have been quite some changes in my head. A minute used to be sixty seconds long. My “After-Corona”- brain thinks this could be spiced up a bit. A minute can now either be one hour or two seconds. A day used to be 24 hours. Remember that? Now it seems like the day is over as soon as I first ask myself, “What time is it?” Do you know this feeling when it is still ten in the morning and you are on your phone and suddenly it is eight at night? The weekend is almost over but it actually didn’t exist anymore for the past ten weeks. I might have found myself going to bed on Friday and I would wake up on Monday with a vague memory that I might have watched all seasons and episodes of “Workin’ Moms”.

Lastly, let’s mention a month. Months used to be pretty inconsistent. Some months were 28, 29, 30, or even 31 days. This seems all too confusing, so now every month is four days long. This way we will all get to the end of a month and think: Wow, that felt like it was only four days, which used to be one day of a week, but is now just 1/90th of a week because a week is a year and a month is four days.

Hysterical but life is so weird sometimes. And with this in mind, everything will be alright after all.

Mom,

today, I looked at my son and felt unconditional love and how awesome it is to be his mom. The running joke is always that no one wants to “turn into her mother,” and I remember as a child and even more so as teen thinking, “I will never be like her.” But sure enough with only one toddler in tow, I am already turning into you. And I have to admit, I am pretty thankful for it. Even the things that drove me crazy as a child, like your emphasis on vegetables, that there was hardly ever Coca Cola and junk food at our house, and limiting screen time, are so important to me now as a mom. The daughter you spent all those years convincing to tidy-up is now sure to walk from room to room each night gathering dirty laundry, Lego, toys, and empty glasses and “tucking-in” the house as you always did.

There is something else I learned from you, too. I always used to tell you that I loved you more, and you would reply that it was a sweet sentiment, but I was wrong, and that I wouldn’t understand until I had one child of my own. Well, now that I do have Joel I get it. I am very certain that I do and always will love my son more than he is capable of loving me. I knew it the instant I saw him.

Mom, the days are long and we talk a lot but I don’t always get the chance to put into words how much I really understand it now and how much I love you.

You were the one who listened, organized, planned; the one who did it all. But once I had a child growing inside of me, I suddenly really understood. You nurtured me. You had grown me from scratch. Every time I thought or worried or dreamed about the little life inside of me, I was made aware of how much countless times you had done the same. And I have been around a while. That’s an awful lot of love. And you just knew it all; at least it seemed that way to me. I asked myself how I would know what to do and what to say to my son as he grew? In difficult times, I would close my eyes and think about what you would do. It always helps because you are reasonable and calm.

Thank you for waking up multiple times in the night, many nights, or sleeping next to my bed when I wouldn’t fall asleep. And not being completely mean-spirited in the morning. And for preparing dinner and teaching me to help others. Thank you for raising me in a clean, orderly home where I always felt secure (home base), but also for showing me that a functional family is a team effort.

I now understand, too, how much restraint it must have taken for you to be nice to some of the weirdos I brought home over the years. You wanted me to know that you respected me enough to let me choose my own friends and later, romantic partners. Today, I joke about how I will eliminate anyone who hurts my son; male or female.

Looking back, I am almost grateful for the social insanity I went through as a teen, because it taught me so much empathy in the real world. Remember when we both learned and studied geography? Everything about avalanches and whatnot. I did my best but I didn’t get all the terms but I have a feeling that with you as a mom, I would have learned it anyway. I am sure that teaching me to tie my shoes, brush my teeth, and wipe my butt was no easy task. I am sure that you had more exciting things to do than reading Frederick to me for the millionth time.

I now get why you did it. I would also like to thank you for doing something that most people only say. Something I know for sure I will be able to do for my own son, which is to encounter him to go for his dreams. Lots of kids are told that they can grow up and be and do whatever they want, but you actually believed it. You believed in me and my decision when I said I will quit my job at the German Federal Police and join the United Nations in New York. And all other crazy decision I made so far.

You have always fostered my dreams and helped me put together the tools I would need to achieve them. But you have not pressured me, and I am so glad I learned that from you. You were excited about my adventure even though I know you wiped aways teas when I left. But hardly ever in front of me but inside you were wilted, uneasy, and sad. Even if we lived far apart when airplanes were required for visits, you put me first, put us first. Because that’s what moms do.

Mom, life is not an easy road and there is so much more involved than I ever could have anticipated. Life as a mom is a constant, daily battle. Questions, challenges, decisions. In hindsight, you made it all look so easy and many times I am trying to pull it off as you did. I know you struggled at points because you told me years later. But you never let me see it.

Thank you for that, too. For not letting me see that it was hard, but rather that your focus was on enjoying me. For putting down the laundry and reading a book to me when I asked you to, even though you had to stay up later to finish the chores that way. For making me a priority. For showing me that being a mom is a big thing, but it is not the only thing. For helping me remember that now when I call you in tears because motherhood is overwhelming. Thank you for teaching me by showing me how to raise a son in this cruel world. It would not surprise me if you said that was the hardest thing you ever had to challenge and honor of doing. But you won’t tell me even if I ask, because, for me, you are always Mom, and that is the most natural thing there is. And like I said, now, I get it.

Ich hab dich sehr lieb, Mama

Dein Herz

Yesterday, my son and I spent the day “Corona-sunbathing” in a park. While he played at the playground, he found a letter, written in German. Kids find weird s***. I will give it my best translating skills and share it here because I think it is beautifully written.

It read:

The love I experience with you always takes me back to myself. Entering into union with you brings me into union with my soul. I meet you in my oneness. You look at me from this oneness and reflect this state of purity and oneness back to me. As we trust more in this love, I see aspects of me come out in you that I am still learning to love. I have this amazing opportunity to love you in areas where I am still struggling to love myself. I get to tune in and be formless, as I learn how to love you in the depths of your vulnerability. As I learn to surrender in areas I used to be bull-headed. 

I did not know I could receive a reflection so true. I am so open to receive these reflections on all aspects of myself through you. I trust you, I trust your discernment, I trust how you open up for energy to flow through your heart and express how you are moved by this. I always want to experience how you are moved by life. I am very grateful to be on this journey with you.

You love me when others would give up. You care for me when others would say: care for yourself. You listen when I speak my heart’s truth. You know when I’ve given it my all and I need a warm place to rest my head. You show me love in different ways. You listen, especially when I’m sharing from my eagle-like sight and shift perspectives when what I share rings true. Remember: Love is always enough. I feel you truly see me while seeing more of yourself. The more you can receive your own love, the more you will attract someone who mirrors that.

Oh yes, our connection has been challenging at times, but we don’t give up on ourselves or each other. We also don’t settle for less than the love we know. We upgrade each other and learn deeper compassion and kindness in it all. I wouldn’t trade this for anything.

I simply love you. When I look at you I see someone with such a bright light. And you shine it on me with unconditional generosity. You are a truth seeker. You are determined to recognize the truth of every situation. You inspire me to step into my power, to shine bright, and to look at myself with honest eyes. You shine the mirror to me with compassion and patience.

The more I get to know you, and the more I witness you in his authenticity and vulnerability the more my heart opens. The more I expanded in love with you I become. And the safer I feel to love so fully. A commitment to a spiritual path was the most important quality I desired in a partner. You are unwavering. It’s how you live your life. My love wanders to the next level. One that will accelerate, open, and deepen our being on every level. Your love reflects back at me the most radiant smile. I found my center in you through me. 

I know to throw away all doubt and risk it all over again. Trusting you like my bestest best friend. This trust will make it so, for in you is all the me I’ll ever need to know. Can you hear your heart speaking to you? Sometimes it gets drowned out by outside influence, opinions, society telling us our lives should look a certain way. Ever feel that way? I sure have. It’s become far too easy these days to back out when something gets challenging. The excuses are endless and seemingly legit. The problem is if you don’t figure out how to stay with it, you’ll simply never achieve what you truly want to achieve. I don’t mean following through with something that feels unsafe, misaligned, or out of integrity. Follow through with something that feels awesome.

I simply love you.