.SOMETIMES RAW.

When you hear “traditional family,” what comes to mind? A mother and father, 2.5 kids, a cat, a dog, a white picket fence around your property and a huge framed “dream-wedding” picture in the living room? This all sounds romantic, prosaic and vanilla. The old school notion of what constitutes a family is one that still pervades our culture for some reason. But, there is always notion and there is reality. I consider my son and I an “unconventional family” and would like to share how it feels to scribble and sketch outside the “traditional family” and the unique joys of our daily life. With this essay, I want to challenge the outdated stereotype of how a family is supposed to look.

Six years ago, I worked in New York. This is also the place where I met Joel’s father – at this time, a very handsome, sweet, loving man. We fell into deep “like”, then pretty soon love. We had a simple wedding – nothing big is required I believe. We married because we loved each other. That love was what would become Joel. Then, five years later, Joel’s father and I split. Ever since then, it was primarily Joel and I who survived in Canada. Then the divorce was finalized and we moved to Vienna. With zero support from my ex-husband but help from friends and family, life slowly goes on.

“Extreme” long-distance relationship (meaning: over 48 hours travel and several flights to see each other): We never were a traditional family to begin with. My ex-husband left for a job overseas shortly after Joel was born and came home every four/five/six weeks. My son and I lived with my parents for the first 2 1/2 years of his life. There was barely the mom-dad-child-we-are-doing-most-stuff-together kind of feeling. We acted more or less to be a family whenever my ex-husband was at home with us. Even when we moved back to the States and were a “traditional family”, this feeling did not change. My son and I were mostly alone. What I can say, however, is that he grew up in a loving, comfortable surrounding with mostly me, my parents, family, and friends in Germany. I learned that security and a calm routine is what my son needs the most. Long-distance relationships are very challenging indeed.

I come from a traditional family. My mom stayed at home to raise my siblings and I for ten years while my father worked. Regardless, I never saw myself married or being a mom. The thought actually gave me goosebumps. The way some girls dream of their wedding, I would dream about independence, traveling, studying and exploring. When I got pregnant with Joel, I was 32 and have “explored” quite a bit. His dad and I were in a whirlwind romance at the time, and I was like, “Why not?”. It was a planned thing with a mix of love and adventure I guess. That perspective changed after Joel turned three, we moved to Canada, and I started a Master’s program. I really missed the feeling of knowing who I was because I felt like a fish out of water with the stroller stay-at-home mom posse and basically single parenting most of the time. So, I went back to what made me feel electric – writing. There were times when I really missed my ex-husband, felt unfulfilled and lonely many times. But, my son and I managed because everything is possible. I knew then that, although I was not cut out for the stroller- mom- life, this little person had changed me. I knew I would have to figure out my own version of stability. I switched gears and dedicated myself more to writing and reading. This way, I am super fulfilled, and he gets stability and cool-ass books to read.

Single-parenting has raised me. It really tested the stuff I am made of and affirmed my experience in ways I could have never imagined. Every day I am challenged to get up and do things that aren’t self-serving while balancing my own dreams and existence. Sometimes, maintaining this balance has been harder than expected because I also take raising my son seriously. It is not always happy sunshine here either. Single-parenting requires that I am an ocean and not a puddle, so I can facilitate his growth. More often than not, I can feel my depth of understanding and boundaries being tested. It is uncomfortable. Growth is uncomfortable sometimes, yet rewarding.

Two years ago, my son talked about how he didn’t have a mom and dad who were still together and that it wasn’t normal. We spoke about it (and still do sometimes) because I want him to know that he is complete and whole. I explained to him that our family, though unconventional, is super awesome. That turned into a conversation about happiness and challenging societal norms, which ultimately turned into a conversation about patriarchy and how a family is just as valid with a mom only, a dad only, two moms, two dads, and a mom and a dad and any other variation. What matters most is that whatever the makeup of the family, it is a safe, healthy and supportive place for everyone to live their best lives. And this we do. We have so much fun. I get to teach him so many things I love, too: reading, writing, museums, art and so much more. I feel happy and proud. Proud of myself what I have accomplished in a rather short time for both of us.

To get to work and school in the morning my son and I take the subway daily. The subway is a great place to observe but it can get creepy at points, too. Just in case, common sense is not so common to you, here is the Ultimate Subway Etiquette. Two months of subway-observation and I am happy to share this list. Enjoy!

1. Let people get off the train before you get on.
2. The top of an escalator is not a great place to have a conversation.
3. When you lean against the pole on the train, nobody else can hold on to it. Just don’t block others from being able to access things.
4. Don’t seat-hog: Your huge purse or bag does not need its own seat on the train.
5. I understand you really like that song, but everybody can hear you singing even though you have earbuds in.
6. The subway platform is not a great place to ride your skateboard or scooter.
7. Don’t spread your legs extra wide so nobody can sit next to you.
8. I don’t understand how people sitting on the train get the sudden urge to clip their nails (even toenails, g-sus!), floss their teeth, shave their head, tweeze nose hair (sometimes not even their own), or pop their lover’s pimples. Just don’t do it on the train.
9. Don’t smoke on the train; also no e-cigarettes.
10. Don’t watch porn (with or without headphones!) on the train. Reading the book “I love Dick” is okay though.
11. Be respectful and empathetic.
12. Wear headphones if you watch a movie, the news or listen to music.
13. Speak quietly on the phone. It is not a megaphone. Also, nobody cares how much sex you had last night and that it was aaaaaaaaamaaaaaazing. Especially not my son.
14. Don’t spit on the floor. Don’t spit pumpkin seed shells on the floor. Don’t spit any seeds!
15. Don’t litter. Take your garbage, newspapers, coffee cups and whatnot with you when you leave the subway.
16. Eating: This is almost the most hotly debated and controversial subject. Maybe eating a sandwich wouldn’t bother someone (well, it depends what is on it!). Eating a plate of spaghetti on the subway is not okay. Also, no Chinese take-out. Just use your best judgment here. Nobody wants to smell dried fish (wth!?) at 8.30 am on the subway. Or anything fried. There was a woman on the train this morning (she triggered to finally write this post) who was slurping and smacking on a whole stinking Tupperware of reheated seafood lasagna.
17. Give up your seat when appropriate. Don’t be an asshole about it. Offer your seat to pregnant women, elderly, women with kids or the ones with a broken spirit.
18. Don’t put on make-up on the train. Unless you want to poke your eyeballs out with your mascara.
19. Put your huge newspaper down when it is very crowded on the train.
20. Please take your eyes off your phone/book/newspaper for just a minute as you exit the train. Especially during rush hour! Don’t be a mindless zombie! When you are exiting the station, please wait until you are done climbing the stairs before you start using your cell phone again. When there is a steady stream of people filing up a narrow staircase nobody needs you slowing things down even more while your nose is buried in your cell phone. This is what you do: Put your phone away, look up and walk up the stairs at a normal person’s pace.
21. Don’t put your feet on the opposite seat. Also not if you take off your shoes or socks. People, I am not making this up.
22. Don’t be a seat martyr and say things like, “I know you are in more need of this seat but you will have to work/fight for it!”
23. Cover your mouth when coughing or sneezing. Don’t pick your nose.
24. Don’t pick scaps on parts of your body and play with the blood.
25. Don’t transfer into a statue when people try to get by. Look at people; pay attention.
26. Don’t brush your teeth on the train. I cannot believe I had to actually type this.
27. Wear deodorant or take a shower before getting on the train. Don’t stink.
28. Keep control over your kid(s). Don’t let them take over the train.
29. Don’t push your way into an already crowded train.
30. Don’t be a PDA (public display of affection) couple. I am not talking about a kiss or holding hands. I just don’t need to see you groping each other while his hand is in her pants. Do whatever you want in your own time but not on the train. I am not the sex police.

The train is not your private place, so don’t act like it. This list is by no means exhaustive. I guess there are even more things you can do or avoid to make the next train ride a good one.

First, I want to say how grateful I am for my family. My family means home base, security, and safety. I want my son to feel the same and give him a similar experience on how I grew up. My parents are the best and, of course the best grand-parents a child could ask for. I love them so much.

Second, I am not a helicopter mom by any means. I am “normal” trying to get through this parenting business as easy as somehow possible. Keep all this in mind while you read on.

Today at Joel’s school:

As soon as I walked in the door at Joel’s school I just knew. I can immediately tell if he had a rough day. We are one – it is just insane sometimes. I can read him like an open book. He will walk up, say “Mommy” and slump onto me. His stressed little face breaks my heart, and for years, my first instinct was to try to make it better. You had a problem with a friend? It will be fine tomorrow, I am sure! Tough time on something else? You will figure it out! The teacher gave you a time out? You are still an awesome kid!

But, over time, I have realized what my son really wants: for me just to be there. Nothing else! I recently read a great article in the Washington Post, on how to teach a child do reset after a bad day without fixing their problems for them. Here’s what it said:

“Parents are taking so much responsibility for their children’s mood and spirit that it feels like it’s your job to reset as soon as possible,” says Wendy Mogel, a clinical psychologist and the author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Raising Self-Reliant Children. “It deprives them of the opportunity to be crabby and cross when they finish school or at the end of a day camp.” Part of the reason kids may be upset when they get home is that home is “the soft landing,” Mogel says. It’s the place they feel comfortable enough to get it all out. “They followed all those rules all day. They were polite to all the teachers. It’s exhausting”…

She suggests parents practice “reflective listening.” So, for instance, a child comes home and is frustrated after a tough day at school. The parent then should say, “Wow, it sounds like school was really overwhelming today.” Then the child says something else, and the parent reflects their feelings back to them. “Each time they feel heard, it brings the emotion down and they can see it for what it is,” she says.

Doesn’t that ring true? It works for us. Sometimes. Now, if my son is upset after a long day, I let him vent in a calm space and hide in the bathroom with my phone. And a glass of wine. Or two. I’ll repeat back his emotions and validate his feelings. I’ve been surprised by how well that simple approach has worked. After getting things off his chest, he almost always feels better. Unless he doesn’t. THen I will stay in the bathroom.

Happy parenting. I know it sucks sometimes. A lot.