.SOMETIMES RAW.

These days my nature is to do the sensible thing. To make the safe choice, keep quiet until I am sure what to say. Not to rush into things anymore. I thought I have seen it all but what I am going through these days is nothing I ever thought I would have to deal with. All I can say is that this is no way to say goodbye. At some point, two people were in love but are no longer due to certain circumstances. Reflecting on how things were a couple of years ago, the thought of being apart was overwhelming at some point. Those times when I drove him to the airport, we parked the car, walked hand in hand to the terminal, he checked in, and our hearts burst while we gazed at each other before we spoke. I remember the conversations almost verbatim. Then he left through the security checkpoint. And was gone.

As some of my readers have noticed, my husband and I have not been together for quite a while now. However, I don’t think it is fair to him to discuss specifics about our relationship on my blog or the internet.  As logical as this is, my initial thought was also to dismiss the suspicion that has built up for some time. Like a whiff of something that is just in my head. Or I just have to duck my head, cover my ears, eyes, and mouth and wait for it to blow over like the tornado in Ottawa last week. Then I can just wrap myself back inside the life that used to fit me so comfortably. And I just keep going because it would be a lot easier than what I am going through right now. But deep inside my body knows the truth, pricking tears into the corners of my eyes whenever I thought of it all, sleepless nights, adrenaline every time I probed a little further, every time I asked more questions. Last year around that time, all I felt was this unbearable hunger to have someone hold my deck of cards in their hands and gently nod in recognition telling me everything will be okay and dealt with because the house always wins.

Regardless, certain things that recently happened caught me by surprise since everything could have been solved a lot easier. I still do not understand why people who have nothing to do with “our issues” need to suffer but I reckon, there are reasons.  When I initially had been confronted with law agencies reports and files, I thought that everything looks blurry. Like I am missing something even though I haven’t lost anything or if I need something even though I have everything I used to need.

I am different now. All this stress made me even stronger. I changed and adjusted. Another piece of the puzzle has just started to crystallize. After all this time of indulging in the misplaced frustration that I was not able to see this insanity earlier, I wanted to find myself since I could not articulate who I was anymore. My life is changing. But it is not a bad thing. I am surrounded by love and the most amazing people after all.

These days I have to go through a lot of paperwork, phone calls and explaining situations, but I do send light and love whenever I think of him and then I drop it. What helped me a lot? Meditation and focusing on mySelf.  Sometimes when I meditate I feel more love than I ever felt before. I learned how to clear out most of the mess that comes in. Most people want things to stay the same way; sometimes even settled in misery because they are afraid of change. But why? Others make the same choices over and over and expect a different result. Or worse, some try to make something work or change a person. What for? If it doesn’t work or feel good, move on and leave.

These days,  I am happy and content. I can now, after all these crazy months finally articulate again who I am and I know for certain that it is something I have never been. Writing always helps me. This tight feeling in my throat when I want to cry and scream (it kind of feels like a lozenge stuck in my throat) usually disappears as soon as I write or when I am at my happy place. The other day, I had a nightmare. I won’t go into details but it was pretty bad. I got up, made myself a cup of tea and fragments of sentences swirled their way around my head and I started to type along. The words patiently waited for me to figure out how to fit them together at 2 am. Well, the positive aspect of all this is that my second book will get published soon if I keep working at this pace.

These days, I can pinpoint who I am and discern who I was, what I felt and why. I am the architect of my life and as confusing as it all seems, as disorienting, frustrating and sad as it feels, a curious thrill pulse is felt in me and my chest. It tells me that I can give myself permission to chase growth over insecurity and lies.

My friend Julia from Germany told me that despite everything that is happening in my life these days, I still keep my humor. “How do you do it,” she asked.  This made me think about humor. For example, why is a funny, shirtless drunk bachelor party dance hysterical but a funny sailor dance confusing? Why is a clown funny at a kid’s birthday party but a  clown showing up with balloons in a sewer trying to give you back your little floating boat terrifying? Is it funnier if you know the person who is sinking in quicksand rather than if it is a stranger? Why is it funny to read Captain Underpants stories and the mischief these boys do to my son but not Struwwelpeter?

How long should you laugh at your boss’s joke? One minute or half an hour? Should you keep mentioning the joke throughout the day? What does it mean to have a sense of humor? Can this be taught or learned? In theaters and movies: Must there always be a tragedy when it is a comedy? It is tragic when someone gets struck by lightning and dies. But if your friend would be struck by lightning and he would be okay but his hair is smoking, would it be okay to laugh? Why does my son laugh every single time I drop something and it breaks? Why does he usually never laugh when he drops something and it breaks? Why does he also laugh every time I put on a t-shirt with a logo backward but he never laughs but gets frustrated when he puts his t-shirts on backward and upside down?

Why is it boring or disturbing when your friend Brian tells you that his wife left him but you are laughing when you find out that she left him for another man called Brian? Did Vikings tell each other jokes and were they gentle? Do Danish or Norwegian people have humorous (freaking scary) fairy tales like Germans do? Does it come naturally that we laugh and point at something or do we learn this from our parents? On the other hand, can somebody with no sense of humor be taught humor? Why is it so embarrassing when my son laughs at an elderly man who lost his wig and looks like Captain Underpants?

Is there humor on other planets or are these aliens so advanced that they simply laugh at how dumb we are and what we do to our planet? Why is it funny if someone slips on a banana peel but not if someone chokes on a banana peel? Would it be funny if someone, instead of finding a message in a bottle finds a tiny clown with balloons? Or a banana peel? Are there examples of something true and funny at the same time? Kinda like, “Dude, your head looks like a watermelon today?” Should a stand-up comedian who tells jokes and nobody laughs be entitled to drink for free that night? Is it funnier to observe a father trying to get a kite up with his son when there is no wind or is it funnier to see him trying to get the kite down from a tree with a stick while standing on a ladder destroying it? It is funnier to watch a family trying to put up a beach tent when there is strong wind or watching the tent fly into the lake with pizza cartons in it? Do bees have a sense of humor? Is their punch line stinging people?

I am wondering if there will ever be a time when we won’t have this feeling to laugh anymore. Will this time ever come? Then again, if Frodo can get the ring to Mordor, I can stay positive and funny throughout all this mess I am dealing with, too. And keep smiling at it all. This is important.

A friend just sent me this link and I wiped away a tear or two.

I would like to share with you ten things I no longer buy in an attempt to make my life easier and less cluttered. These are things I stopped buying and of course, you don’t have to stop purchasing those if they make you happy. This is just food for thought and ideas if you are thinking about things you can live without or buy less of. Also, if you intend to save some money,  live a little bit more minimally then hopefully you will resonate with one or two of these things I want to share.

The first thing I no longer buy are clothes that I don’t love. I am shopping with this thought in mind that I want to actually wear this item over and over, regularly and long-term. I really like to have items in my wardrobe that are versatile, and that can be worn in many different ways. Something that I avoid doing is buying clothing that are one-offs or that can be worn only by itself and don’t match other items I own very well. The next items I stopped buying are purses and handbags. I used to love shopping for handbags and had a bunch of them in different sizes, shapes, styles, color, and even expensive brands but I really thought about downsizing and getting one much smaller size purse that fits the simple things that I want to carry around and stick with that. What I love most about having just one small size purse is that I only carry in it what I need which is not a lot. Think about what we really need!  It sort of forces me to take only the essentials like my wallet, a lipstick, my small moleskin journal and a pen. Just the bare necessities and this is what I need and prefer doing.

The next item I stopped buying is a large wallet. All I have is a small, rectangular size wallet for a couple of reasons. I don’t have dozens of cards, credit cards, and point cards, and coupons. I don’t even know what people put in their wallets these days. I am also that type of mother who does not have pictures of her son in her wallet. Is this still a thing? I used to love purchasing wallets, especially the big ones that zip around and hold all my stuff. I just no longer have a use for that or need it. And a larger wallet would not fit in my tiny purse anyway. Another thing I stopped purchasing is jewelry. I no longer buy jewelry the way I used to and I have actually never even been a big jewelry wearer strictly because I don’t find jewelry comfortable, I don’t want things around my neck or wrist and I don’t like earrings dangling on my ears. Sometimes I love to wear a tiny pair of earrings that I have that I got a long time ago but other than that I don’t buy it anymore. Hence, I don’t have a jewelry box that stores tons and tons of pieces in it.

The other thing that I stopped buying is souvenirs,  knick-knacks, and collectibles. Any time I am traveling, I have no interest in stopping at a gift-shop to buy stuff to display in a cabinet or around my house. I don’t even have a cabinet. Or a house. My memories are in my head. And if they are fading or I cannot recall, then they are not that important in the first place. The next things I stopped purchasing are pre-made sauces and dressings. Years ago, I always used to buy those out of convenience, to make salads or to cook with but studying what the ingredients are I rather leave them in the store. I rather prefer to make things homemade because it is so easy to do and I know what is in it. It is also so much better for me because these packaged foods are loaded with ingredients I cannot even pronounce, chemicals, artificial flavors, preservatives and other additives such as colors.

The next thing I have stopped buying are hand/body/face lotions, shaving creams, creams, peelings, toners, and moisturizers. I just use a couple of simple oils such as jojoba oil or argan oil. I add essential oils to some or I buy them in a blend and I use them for all of those things. They work fantastically as a hand cream, facial moisturizer, an all over body moisturizer or work as a shaving cream as well. I sometimes use some coconut oil that I have in my cupboard to cook with and it is just as good. The next item I have also completely stopped buying is body wash. I used to love or actually prefer body wash in plastic containers but I no longer do. What I instead buy now are bars of soap. I really like the company Soapworks because they have all kind of, very simple, clean, different type of soap bars that smell amazing while using organic ingredients.

Another thing I have stopped buying or buying into is sales promotions and coupons. Those things I pretty much never agreed to or sign up for. Any time when I am at a store and they ask me for my email address or phone number to tell me they send me an email for 15% off for my next purchase, I never agree to it. Don’t ever feel obligated to this. I used to. I used to have an email inbox loaded with promotions and discounts that I never needed in the first place.

The last thing I stopped buying is things that I have not used up yet. I do think that stocking up certain things or purchasing items in bulk is useful and can actually be a good thing. But generally speaking, I do not like to have more things around than I am actually using or already go at hand. I don’t want to be tempted by a sale or advertisements that make me think I need certain items even though I do not. All this makes me live a more meaningful life with less clutter and fewer things to worry about.