.SOMETIMES RAW.

“No one can build you the bridge on which you, and only you, must cross the river of life,” Nietzsche

Philosophy is great. I have read a lot; understood, maybe half of it, if that.  However, after watching the saddest movies on this planet, I am in the mood to write and share some thoughts. I recently have been thinking about this journey of becoming who I really am. I mentioned that University is tough, but Albert Einstein said once that “doing something with such enjoyment that you don’t notice that the time passes”, is true and something I live by. It is hard (salty?) but I love to study and grow mentally. And isn’t learning simply discovering – maybe the discovery of what causes our own ignorance? 

Also, it is not only about inhaling a plethora of information but to discover and learn what is within me. I like to uncover my own abilities, to open my eyes for the new, magnificent and maybe challenging things and to find out what my true potential is. What is going on? What am I capable to do and are there ways to enlarge my life? There will always be difficult situation; this is life. But I try to figure out how to cope or deal with exactly those situations better. 

I am a huge fan of Bruce Lee and especially like his philosophy on learning. 

“We do not have to “gain” freedom because freedom has always been with us and is not something to be gained in the end through strict and faithful adherence to some definite formulas. Formulas can only inhibit freedom and preformations only squelch creativity and impose mediocrity. […] Learning is definitely not mere imitation or the ability to accumulate and conform to fixed knowledge. Learning is a constant process of discovery and never a concluding one.”

“Learning gained is learning lost. The knowledge and skill you have achieved are after all meant to be “forgotten” so you can float in emptiness without obstruction and comfortably. Learning is important, but do not become its slave. Above all, do not harbor anything external or superfluous; the mind is the primary. You can never be the master of your technical knowledge unless all your psychic hindrances are removed and you can keep the mind in the state of emptiness (fluidity), even purged of whatever technique you have obtained — with no conscious effort.”

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.”
-Jack Kerouac

To Le Husband.

September is the month when we met. September and October are our months – months when everything signifiant happened so far. Dating, Engagement, Petit Joel’s birth and your birthday! Five years ago we met for the first time. I have this feeling that our souls and even our lives have been somewhat intertwined for many years already and that particular day we were supposed to meet and set out on a grand adventure of amazingness. From streets in Germany to cobblestone streets in Paris, cottages in Canada, “Blue Hawaiians” and Tequila in Mexico to downtown and uptown Manhattan, we explored and have done it all and so much more. From summer rooftop parties (Hi Raoul!) at Tudor to spending time reading at Central Park on a blanket with coffee and croissants -we enjoyed each others company. Street art, this amazing baby we created – through hard times and magnificent times, we went through it together in such a short time. We found strength in each other and we grew as a couple. [Even together in weight when I was pregnant] 

I recently dug through a bunch of pictures and videos of us on the computer and the good old photos that are still the best in the photo album. Our past. We can reflect on so much already, my love. All that we were, what we are, who we are – apart and together and what we are becoming. I love you, Jean. Always and forever. I sometimes still cannot believe I found such an amazing spirit to walk beside. 

Happy Anniversary my love. This life with you is pure magic and I enjoy every single day, even when we cannot be together. Unconditional. 

“I’ll Be There For You” by Louise Cuddon

I’ll be there, my darling, through thick and through thin
When your mind’s in a mess and your head’s in a spin
When your plane’s been delayed, and you’ve missed the last train
When life is just threatening to drive you insane
When your thrilling whodunit has lost its last page
When somebody tells you, you’re looking your age
When your coffee’s too cool, and your wine is too warm
When the forecast said, ‘Fine,’ but you’re out in a storm
When your quick break hotel, turns into a slum
And your holiday photos show only your thumb
When you park for five minutes in a resident’s bay
And return to discover you’ve been towed away
When the jeans that you bought in hope or in haste
Just stick on your hips and don’t reach round your waist
When the food you most like brings you out in red rashes
When as soon as you boot up the bloody thing crashes
So my darling, my sweetheart, my dear…
When you break a rule, when you act the fool
When you’ve got the flu, when you’re in a stew
When you’re last in the queue, don’t feel blue
’Cause I’m telling you, I’ll be there.

Hi there!

Are you a morning person? I am something of a wannabe morning person. The idea of getting up early, getting everything done, doing some Yoga and stretching while everybody else sleeps sounds tempting but I love to stay up late – when everybody sleeps and then wake up late. Unfortunately, this is not (yet) possible and during the week Petit Joel and I have a pretty tight schedule. Well, on weekends on the other hand, we both love to sleep in. He slept really well and for an 14-hour stretch since he was about 12 months old. Many mom’s will hate me now but then again, he did not nap anymore during the day, so go figure. Give and take. 

I just love to stay up late at night because I honestly believe, I am more productive and work more efficiently and faster. I can write better, too. However, some friends of mine who are all up before dawn, have a smoothie and accomplish to do a half marathon before 8am are just inspiring. Or like le husband who gets up even before his alarm is buzzing. As far as I can think, I have never been a morning person. My mom had to almost physically drag me out of bed and pull me to the already set breakfast table. How cool this all was in hindsight. On the other hand, my mom is the craziest morning person I know. She gets up at 5.30am and is okay. Reads the newspaper, takes her time, eats her müsli and enjoys the silence. And she usually  goes to bed at a decent time – 10.30 to 11 pm.

I also wonder about my grandparent’s sleeping schedule. Once your are retired and just have nothing really to do the next day – like no “work-schedule”, why wouldn’t you just want to wake up at 10 am? But they go to bed at 10pm and wake up at 7am! I just wonder why they choose this sleep schedule; however, they always point out that there is just something really magical about early mornings. When le husband and I spent time with newborn Petit Joel at the cottage and I had to nurse this little guy at  2 am, 3 am and 5 am and then he decided to stay up I was just fine and we watched the sunrise. I appreciated the solitude and calm I experienced and I believe so did Petit Joel. 

I would like to make this switch to be a “morning person” because it does sound appealing. However, I don’t want to give up my nightly “me-time”. It is so nice to sit in my office, write, read, study and don’t be interrupted. 

How do you deal with this? I would love to hear from you. Are you an early riser or do you love to stay up late and sleep in as I do?