*Honestly, I was not sure and since this is the proper way to address humans now, there you go. That person is so charming and uncomplicated, standing there quietly reading her book. This person is definitely a keeper. This style is very unique. Are these…
The other day, my son came home from school and barely looked at me while he threw his school bag in the corner and left with his friends for the playground. “Bye mom, I will be home at 6.30 p.m. for supper,” he yelled. And…
The other day I had a chat with a friend about makeup. She suggested that we apply makeup again since we didn’t do so in a long time. Honestly, I am not a huge makeup person. I don’t have the time in the morning for all those lotions and potions but I rock a bright red Chanel lipstick once in a while. Nothing else. Just that lipstick. Since I am not a pro in the makeup department, I looked up easy-to-follow tutorials on YouTube and this is what I learned. Hey Magda! How do you like it?
1. Purchase lots of makeup. However much makeup you think it will take to achieve the drama look, it will take far more makeup than that. Go to any social media site, and find a how-to video on applying makeup. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNmLSc1pb6E
2. Get a lighted mirror with at least 300X magnification. Confronting the brutal truth of your skin at this age will be frightening, but you are a middle-aged woman, and lately, you seem to delight in brutal truth to the degree that it is becoming uncomfortable for those around you.
3. Start with under-eye concealer because you look like a panda if pandas were chronically furious. Be sure to moisturize first; if you don’t moisturize, the concealer will settle into your wrinkles, and you’ll look like a lizard. There are so many animals you must now work to avoid resembling.
4. Apply a “primer.” There are primers for redness, sallowness, and splotchy-ness. You need all three.
5. Oh no. You’re having a hot flash. Now you have to start over. Wash everything off, repeat steps 1—4, and re-join the video.
6. Jimmy from work is calling you. He has already emailed and texted you. In his defence, you’re supposed to be chairing a meeting. Answer your phone and scream, “Jimmy, I AM RECOVERING FROM A HOT FLASH WHILE ATTEMPTING TO APPLY MAKEUP!” and then hang up. Jimmy will leave you alone now, and you can proceed with step 7.
7. Use an eyeliner/shadow duo that’s the same shade as your skin (do not question the logic of this), just like the woman in the video for mature women (who is nowhere near your age; she is 33). “Chubby stick” versions of the product work well and are more accessible for arthritic hands to maneuver (this is not a comment on your weight, so please settle down).
8. Try to figure out what “tubing mascara” is. Give up and apply it anyway, to however many eyelashes you have left.
9. Fill in your eyebrows using some product with a stupid name. Pray to any god you still worship that the bushy-brow trend ends soon. In the meantime, try to stop critiquing the young women with caterpillars on top of their eyes. Do you think you might be bitter because when you were their age, you plucked yours down to nothing and then they never came back?
10. Uh-oh. Your husband just appeared, and he is mocking the makeup video. He will have to be killed. Once he’s dead, move on to step 11.
11. Apply the shimmer stick to whatever part of your face still looks old. You can put it on your cheekbones, eyelids, lips, etc. Some women even use the shimmer stick to highlight the top of their breasts, but we are not recommending this for you. (Your breasts probably sag slightly.)
12. You are done. You have used so much time, energy, money, and makeup to create this perfect look. Your bank account has taken a huge hit, you’re fireable-level late for work, and you’ve murdered your husband. The important thing is that you look like a million dollars. However that is supposed to look. Nice work, my friend.
There was a time when I thought it would be great to work a bit on my French but had no desire to attend physical classes. So, I installed the Duolingo App on my phone so I could conveniently study anywhere. What I didn’t know…
Under the sea, There’ll be no accusations, Just friendly crustaceans, Under the Seeeeeeeeeeeeea! – Homer Simpson A few weeks ago, I sold my voice to a sea witch to become a human woman. It was an incredible adventure at first. I fell in love! I…
“Actions are the first tragedy in life, words are the second. Words are perhaps worse.” – Oscar Wilde
Dear Emoji Creator Team,
I am writing to you to inquire about the company policy regarding which skin colour emoji I am allowed to use on the messaging service via email or text messages. These days I am just scared about everything.
While navigating the delicate politics of both the racial sensitivities in the world, I would appreciate clarification on the best way to navigate each emoji colour option available. I think this has not been clarified yet and with all the confusion about gender, and LGBTQ++++, I need insight on which emoji skin colour I am allowed to use when texting, emailing or chatting. I can speak two languages and understand being yelled at in six, but I am not as well-versed in emoji etiquette and would appreciate some guidance on this matter.
Currently, there are six colour options.
👍
Originally “Simpsons yellow” was clearly the safest choice. It signified the “everyman” of the emoji. But is this a cop-out? Does the yellow represent the cowardice of Homer (the cartoon, not the poet) and his people? Am I making a statement by trying not to make a statement? And what about Apu and Carl, why were they not yellow?! Where’s their statement?
👍🏻
This is just for white people, right? Like, if your name is Herbert, Gunther, Heidrun and you don’t want to get into trouble with other white people, you pick this? Like, you know what you did and you’re ashamed. But how white is this one? Dying-by-gently-coughing-blood-into-a-handkerchief white or detonating-thirty-liters-of-gasoline-at-a-baby-gender-reveal-party white because according to the parents the baby wants to choose its own gender? Because those are two different kinds and that doesn’t seem fair.
👍🏼
Is this the same person as above but without shame? They spent the last two weeks in Floribama and came back with a weird rash from the Airbnb hot tub? Or is this like the white person whose Linkedin page just says “DJ / entrepreneur” and is doing a cleanse with alcohol and cocaine?
👍🏽
Okay, so this one’s gotta be for a brown person, right? Does it matter that the lady in the Beauty Department at work told me that I have an autumn undertone rather than a spring tinge? Is there one of these that represents my sometimes red cheeks? What if I’m somewhere between a “Walnut” and an “Almond” palette? The lady called my shade “a1665e” Is this that one?
👍🏾
Am I supposed to be offended if someone uses this, or am I offending someone else by using it? Can a Black person and a brown person both use this? Like should I be outraged or raging? Or is there a future harmony where we acknowledge not all people, races, ethnicities, or genders are a monolith?
👍🏿
Not this one — I get that.
Thank you again for your help and support in this matter. I’d hate to let the complexity of my complexion put a blemish on my professional prospects.
Sincerely,
Daniela Henry
So, I have got some big news for you: It is never too late to keep the body you have right now. Let’s be honest. Do you feel comfortable in your body? Do you want to lose weight or get in shape? I wanted to…
I had a chat with a friend yesterday. About kids. About our kids who played Nintendo Switch like there is no tomorrow. Kids today! They’re always toting their Air Up bottles around like they’re going to die of dehydration. Give me a break. All they’re…
So, I was waiting for a return email and at the same time I could not log into my account anymore. I simply could not. The password was still the same, didn’t need to be changed but I wasn’t able to log in and register for all those mandatory online trainings. So much pressure.
I contacted the IT/admin/systems office to get some help. “Well…. this happens all the time”, the IT person told me. “But don’t worry. It is easy to fix!”
Here are the instructions I received from the IT guy on how to log in to the portal:
1. Go to the URL provided in the email that was sent. I could just put it here again, but that would make it too easy.
2. If you can’t find the email, check your spam folder.
3. If you still can’t find it, call the IT office again. But first you’ll have to look up the number.
4. No one will answer the phone because no one’s in the office yet. We are all out for breakfast, brunch, lunch or simply coffee.
5. Leave a message.
6. Wait for someone to return the message.
7. Realize no one is returning your message.
8. Text your friend who has the number of the guy who works there.
9. Log on to the website.
10. Forget your login.
11. Click the link “FORGOT LOGIN.”
12. Receive a message that your email is not on file.
13. Congratulate yourself on writing down your login from last year.
14. Try again.
15. Fail to log in.
16. Drink two cups of coffee.
17. Try to read the instructions on the website for how to access the portal.
18. Call IT again.
19. Speak with someone. A human being, not a machine.
20. Wonder if it is actually the person or if it is just a coincidence.
21. Think about the other famous actress whose kids go to your kid’s school.
22. Briefly entertain fantasy about becoming best friends with her.
23. The woman from the school office says she will email you.
24. Check email.
25. Check spam folder.
26. Realize nobody is going to email you. They are probably busy fielding anxious phone calls from 75 other people.
27. Try to log on to the website again.
28. This time, you think you know your username but you forgot your password.
29. Click “FORGOT PASSWORD.”
30. Receive message that your email is not on file.
31. Bang your head against your computer. Hard.
32. Go to the Facebook group for these computer issues and post that you cannot access the portal.
33. Receive helpful tips from other people.
34. Try helpful tips.
35. Give up.
36. Try again.
37. Wonder if you read the instructions on the website too quickly.
38. Read them again, slowly.
39. Try logging in again, the same way you did last time.
40. Meet with failure again.
41. Look at the login information you wrote down from last year again. Begin to doubt its accuracy.
42. Decide you need to look elsewhere for the ID number you need to log in. Did they change it at some point?
43. Search email for “Log-In ID.”
44. Find 100 emails that are not relevant.
45. Get distracted by other emails.
46. Delete emails.
47. Respond to emails.
48. Do some online shopping after following a link in one of the emails.
49. Focus!
50. Try searching again with “Log-In ID” plus the name of the department.
51. Find a copy and open the file.
52. See the work ID at the top corner of the page.
53. It has one more digit than the number you’d written down.
54. It has TWO zeros in it, and not one.
55. Log on to the website.
56. Login using the CORRECT ID number.
57. You will be prompted to change your password.
58. Change your password.
59. Write it down, you idiot! CORRECTLY this time!
60. Find the information for all mandatory trainings.
61. Realize the information is incorrect.
62. Look around for a way to correct this information.
63. You will not find a way to correct the information on the website.
64. You will need to call IT again.
65. No one will answer the phone.
Good luck!
Sincerely,
Your IT support team
Wake up my sleepy, and loud open-mouth-breather, it’s 4:01 a.m. and I feel chatty! I might be small but I’m a warm-blooded lunatic and I’m right outside your bedroom door. I love each new day, what it might bring, the possibilities, and the joy of…
