.SOMETIMES RAW.

Me: Where should we eat?

A: I’m happy to go anywhere! Really. I’m easy. I don’t care where we go. Any restaurant you have in mind? Do we need to get tested? Masks? Which kind? One vaccine? Two? Booster shot? Download the app? Social distancing?

Me: Who cares. I’ll go to literally any restaurant in town. Any neighborhood that’s more convenient for you? Any kind of food you’re craving?

A: Nothing in particular. Do you have dietary restrictions?

Me: No, I can eat literally anything. And I’m happy to do it! I can reach inside a trash can, pull out the first thing my hand clutches, and take a big bite of whatever it happens to be, no problem! Are there cuisines we should avoid?

A: No, I enjoy eating every cuisine from every region of every country in the world. At this point, if there were a restaurant that served poison, I would gleefully meet you there if we don’t need a PCR test and 1G, 2G or some other bullshit. Are you in the mood for something specific? Tacos, sushi, pasta — they are all equally appealing. I don’t have a PCR test though. Do you have a specific restaurant in mind that serves tacos, sushi, or pasta? It sounds like you might be thinking of a specific restaurant. I remain 100 percent neutral in the restaurant selection process. I’m just so chill and easygoing that I could genuinely go anywhere. I just need to get the PCR test first. And the antibody test. And a new mask.

Me: Same here. These days, I am equally chill and easygoing. You could take me to a restaurant where the waiters slap you in the face. You could take me to a restaurant that only serves ice cream cones children dropped on the ground. You could take me to a restaurant that’s on Mars and I’d never see my family ever again. Let’s eat at DONTGETTHEJAB. I read great reviews and the food is supposed to be incredible.

A: Is that the restaurant close to where you live? I think they have the 2G or 1G rule now. But you can get in without anything if you whistle the first and last name of the waiter with the dark hair.

Me: Yep. Do you want to try that one? Sounds good.

A: Let’s do it. I am clay at the hands of your restaurant choices. I yield to your dining whims. Mold me. I am yours.

Me: Are we still talking about food? Hey, have you heard about the Mu Mutation of the Corona virus? It is supposed to be incredibly dangerous and contagious. No vaccine on this planet can help you with that shit. But, another lockdown will make things better and will give the experts and scientists time to invent another vaccine quickly. With this one you will be okay until it is time for the 56th mutation of the virus and lockdown 29. But you will get a free bratwurst. This is all insane and makes no sense to me anymore.

A: I am so confused by all this as well. This is way too complicated for my delicate brain. So FFP2 masks again now? This is ridiculous. I want to curl up in fetal position and cry myself to sleep. There is no end to this. Am I depressed?

Me: Should we just go to that spot we always go to? That Asian restaurant?

A: That place sucks.

Me: Hey, you know what? Let’s cook at my place.

A: Great. Like usual. I love how you cook. I will bring the wine.

Me: Sounds great. Come on over. No mask or tests required.

Just ask for a promotion! What’s the worst that can happen? They say no? And your already fragile self-esteem is irreparably damaged? It’s really not that big of a deal.

Oh, shit! I am sorry to hear you didn’t get the promotion. I wouldn’t feel awkward about it. You were leaning in, after all. Well, if you are not comfortable sitting next to the guy who denied you that promotion, just ask for a different office. The worst they can say is no!

Okay, I really had no idea they set up a desk for you in the basement now. At least rats don’t talk, right? Why don’t you ask if they will bring in an exterminator?Worst-case-scenario, they say no.

You got fired??? For asking if you could get an exterminator? That’s so odd. Maybe they were just looking for a reason to fire you. Were you otherwise bad at your job? You should ask if it’s actually because you are a woman. What’s the worst that can happen if you ask? They say no?

If you really think you got fired unlawfully, hire a lawyer! At least, call one and ask if they will take on your case. There is really no risk to that whatsoever; they will probably offer a free trial, even ! Get it – trial – like, for lawyers? Besides, if you tell them the truth, the worst they can say is no.

Okay, I did not know they would bill you 15,000 Euro for an hour consult with a lawyer. My bad. Hope it was helpful, at least. Can you ask for a refund? They might laugh at you, but still worth trying.

Your parents will be sympathetic about you needing to borrow money right now. You are their daughter. Ask for what you want! Take control of your own destiny! Shoot for the moon, because even if you miss, the worst that can happen is the stars say no…..

Damn, I didn’t realise your parents would write you out of their will if you asked for money one more time. That seems harsh but fair. No, I have never borrowed money from my parents. “Borrowing” is when you pay them back, right?

Okay, so if I am understanding things correctly, you are now 40,000 Euro in debt? Why don’t you ask the credit company for, like, an extension? That’s normal, I think. I used to get them all the time for papers in college. The worst they can say is no!

I knew the would say yes! Sorry about eh 67% interest rate. It could be worse. Like imagine if it were 69% – LOL 69.

You seem really stressed about money. Have you tried therapy for your anxiety? I will send you a link. Just ask if they have room for one more patient! The worst they can say is no. No offence, but you literally have nothing to lose.

Oh, wow. I did not realise that link I sent was actually a scam. Well, on the bright side, you are already in so much debt that a little more doesn’t really matter, does it?

I know you can make back the money you owe! Just ask for your old job back! Tell them you were so silly for asking for a promotion to begin with, and now you are (much) older and wiser. And the worst they can say is no, isn’t it?

Yay! They hired you back at 70% of your old salary! Now you really understand the wage gap between men and women. Congratulations! And by my calculations, you should be out of debt by the year 2174. Maybe they will let you off easy if you die before then, though – just ask.

Wait, you want me to give you a ride to work? Because the bank repossessed your car? It s a really bad time for me – I am three weeks away from getting my period. Ugh, please don’t put me in a position where I have to say no. I hate that.

A conversation between a friend and I:

Friend: “I told him I was looking for a pen, but the truth is I was snooping around.”

Me: “Sometimes it seems necessary to snoop around but usually, nothing good comes of it.”

Friend: “I only understand such decency intellectually and I learned it the hard way today!”

Me: “So what happened?”

Friend: “I was hanging out in the bedroom while he was at work. We were technically (alarm sign!) happy, but he had broken up with me in a dramatic fashion about six months prior, and once we got back together. This, of course, is how looking for a pen in his desk animorphed me into a raccoon sniffing around a dumpster. AND HOLY F*** DID I SCORE SOME TRASH! HE WROTE A PRO/CON LIST ABOUT ME! I decided to ask him about the note when he got back later that day. It was just too absurd to keep it to myself and oddly enough, my concern was not for the totally batshit content of the list but I was just curious as to why the hell it existed in the first place. Was he thinking about ending the relationship again? This man and I sat down and I confessed that I ‘stumbled’ across the note while searching for a pen (great lie but blatant) and was perplexed by it. He assured me it didn’t mean anything and I assured him I was game to change my personality to just stay with him. I was mostly interested in making the whole confrontation an enjoyable experience for him. I am a girlfriend who doesn’t need drama. End of conversation and we kissed. Then, he came home drunk two weeks later.”

Me: …… (eyeroll)

Friend: “You are drunk. Where have you been? I made dinner and waited for you. Didn’t you get my messages?”

Him: “I HATE TOMATOES! I ate at the bar! Actually, we have nothing in common. But Theresa and I have. I love her so much. Oh, yeah, I am seeing someone else!”

So, I wrote him a breakup letter. The only suitable thing to do in this situation for my very good friend.

Hi there, (douchbag, asshole, weirdo, f***er, di**)

just circling back/closing the loop on the conversation we had the other night because you seemed drunk. I also have been giving it a lot of thought and have decided not to move forward with this relationship that leads nowhere. It is not only that the other night’s dinner was a deal-breaker in and of itself, but although your use of “that’s what she (Theresa) said” for comedic relief was unacceptable. I almost blame myself for holding on for so long and I should have known you are an asshole. Theresa (if she is smart) will hopefully discover this rather sooner than later.

My list of a quick analysis of our relationship in the last couple of months which reveals:

• No love but cold feelings
• You are glued to your phone at all times
• Under-delivery on fundamental things such as respectful debate, witty observations, and general praising of my capabilities
• No sex
• A drop-off in non-sexual contact (spooning, hand-holding and tenderly brushing the hair off my face like you used to do)
• We actually had nothing in common except one thing. We both like pizza with broccoli topping

All indicates a gross misalignment in expectations. They say you should always under-promise and over-deliver, but you have both promised the world and exhibited minimal follow-through over the course of our relationship. Actuals haven’t stacked up to projections, not even close. I only have so much emotional bandwidth and there is no viable option beyond folding this venture. I appreciated your interest in the role of my boyfriend. No further actions required on your end, apart from returning my Harvard University Hoodie and Dermalogica exfoliating mask (that shit is expensive).

All the best,

D.

[He got married to Theresa and they have one child. They divorced one year later. The reason: He cheated.]

I have broken up with men and have been broken up with once and the best part about all this is taking mental note of the red flags I missed and keeping them in mind for future relationships. Of all the warning signs I have breezed past, I wrote down in pro/con lists. I wish I had them all still framed in my living room because the contents of it were so telling. What truly tickles me about this pro/con list my friend’s ex wrote is that the best qualities in his eyes (hot) were nowhere close to the ones she valued in herself and would prefer to be loved for her mind, personality, humor, and literally anything else. That mismatch was exactly why they didn’t “work out”. Their values were off-the-charts different. If she just would have paid attention to the signs… So should we all.