.SOMETIMES RAW.

Every time I pass people on the street, if I still pass people that is, they are talking about the same thing: the COVID-19 pandemic. It seems to be top of mind for everyone. People living across from me singing and playing instruments on the balcony in solidarity during the lockdown. It is a delight to listen to. It is also amazing to observe how people find a moment of joy in this moment of anxiety or insanity.

Right now, for my son and I, life feels ominous but semi-normal here in Vienna, Austria. My workplace shut down, Kindergarten and schools are closed as of today. Everything else is closed, too. Except for pharmacies and supermarkets. We avoid big public groups, including movie theaters, museums, book fairs, and all those good things. Now, playgrounds are closed. To make this craziness complete, I pinched a nerve in my lower back and can barely move. Very, very painful. But I guess it is better to stay inside anyway. We bought a couple extra boxes of pasta, beans, cereal, rice, and such things. We are greeting people with elbow taps or waves, instead of hugs and cheek kisses. I’m assuming that, in days or weeks, things will continue to tighten up. “Cancel everything,” says an Atlantic headline. “The bottom line: It is going to get worse,” said Dr. Anthony S. Fauci, the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases.

It’s a very strange and scary feeling to helplessly wait to see what will happen. Will subways shut down? Will we mostly be staying home and just go to the store to buy more food? Besides tons of reading, writing and watching movies, we are using all this time to clean, rearrange, and declutter our apartment. Going through my things made me realize how unimportant most of the stuff is. How little we actually need. But, am I my stuff? What is stuff? How many bars of soaps and hand sanitizer should one own in this COVID-19 madness? As much as I usually appreciate a precise word, there is something satisfyingly vague about it. You can hate or love stuff. My stuff revolves around me like false confidence. Just like stuff, who I am changes depending on the context. My material possessions function more like additional information than a definition. I got rid of a lot of stuff today. That was before the pinched nerve.

But what about the human habit of defining ourselves by what we buy, which is a pressing issue in these Corona-days. Since the internet is our primary means of connection, we are sort of forced to perform ourselves online so that others can understand us quickly and in the ways, we would like. In this sense, we have become hyper-focused on what our stuff says about us. And who we can be if it changed. Who would I be if I had different stuff? When I accumulate more stuff or pare it down, do I change?

For me, those shifts temporarily transform how I feel, but I am not sure I myself am any different. If I throw out all my furniture, even though it is still great, and replace it with new stuff, I am still the same person. I am just me, with maybe better taste, a new cool leather couch, or less junk. But neither of those really inform who I am at my core. Guess what? I am very uncomfortable at the moment and in a lot of pain and a new leather couch would suck.

We are nuanced and mercurial creatures with desires and fears so deep and huge we can’t always express them. That is when stuff can help. Now go and buy that face-mask if it makes you happy. It can tell a story about our inner worlds that’s tangible, fragile and simple. Or show how scared we really are about this damn virus. It can help us draw conclusions about each other without sitting down for an hour and spilling our guts. Ideally, our stuff is informed by our values, too. It can reassure us of who we are, or bring us together because he/she likes that thing, too. That is not nothing, my friends. It is the power of non-verbal expression. When we are seen and known on a deeper level by the people around us and by ourselves or feel that way about others, I think stuff has a way of disappearing into the background, of becoming something we poke around in on our way to and from something, but never the destination itself.

In the end, the math isn’t simple, but it’s clear enough to me. Stuff is additive, occasionally helpful and comforting, but it isn’t everything. Not in these crazy times and not ever. Look at how a virus can transform the world into great chaos. Who cares about that $900 purse you bought last week. It is a medium with limits. It’s a response to who you are, not who you are. And when we equate those two things or invert them, I think we risk losing sight of the fact that stuff is often the least interesting thing about us. Think about it. Think about what is really important. It is important to be prepared. It is important not to freak out and to rather stay calm. And, for me, to be able to move again and take care of this little person who follows me for the last six years. These days, it is better to stay inside, wash hands one more time so we can hopefully move on and get back to “normal”.

Hello Lovely,

Good morning. How are you doing? I am always with you and yet we seem to have lost touch last year. I understand that there are always things to do, places to go, opportunities to seize, dreams to realize and fires to fight but it is almost as if you have been avoiding me. Did we grow apart? I thought we were pretty close.

From distance, you seem happier this year and remind me of a younger Daniela, one surer of herself and her place in the world. Is this true? You moved to a new country, started a new job. Are you really happy or have you just occupied yourself with urgency to avoid dealing with what is important? I ask because I care about you. I am not a stranger to you Daniela but last year has made me feel like one. You are both wise and jaded enough to know the difference between acts of self-love and distractions offering temporary happiness. And yet you have consistently fallen into the trappings of comfort this year. When we last met, you had sparkling eyes, ambition, and unflinching clarity but all those distractions have muddied your heart. There is nothing where there was once a garden. What happened? Oh, I remember, you told me. Your ex-husband is still not paying child support for his son. Guess what, you cannot change his attitude if he shows no responsibility. More importantly, what have you felt or learned this year that you will carry into the next decade? Seeing you today reminds me of what I once heard somewhere, “It isn’t that she is not a good person. It is just that she isn’t like my dreams.” In my dreams, you are remarkable, Daniela. Please do not allow life to get the better of you. There are things only you can do so you must do them. Look at your son. He is amazing and this is almost solely your (hard) work. Kurt Vonnegut would add, “Well, here we are, Mr.(s) Pilgrim, trapped in the amber of this moment. There is no why.”

It is rare to have the ability and opportunity to build a significant life so please make the most of it. Giving in to the everyday pressure of mediocrity and smallness won’t get you to where you need to be. So, remember to dare often and greatly. There are several of us who adore you and will help you realize all of you. Hey, I know the gnawing feeling of unfulfillment is something you have been grappling with for a while now and you are prepared to completely retool your life and work. Again, 2019 was one tough year. But now you are better. Look what you have accomplished. It took you quite some time to get to this point and know exactly who you are so don’t resent the journey. The secret to leading a worthwhile life is to make a few meaningful and thoughtful decisions every day and let go of the rest. And, as you learn to detach yourself from this web you will come to realize your insignificance. All of this, my dear, existed before you were born and will continue to thrive long after your departure. So, optimize your time here for that which has the potential to outlive you. You – an institution, a family, a mother and a legacy.

You dedicated the previous couple of years to experimentation and self-discovery but these next few decades will require you to share your gifts. This is why you must focus on your son, your family, and friends and leave behind “the ex-file and divorce” for good. If you wish to succeed in this next phase of your life then you will need to grow your tribe and become bolder, clearer and less self-apologetic. Many have mistaken your kindness for weakness or indecisiveness so ensure this never happens again. There is no need to tolerate their ignorance or accommodate your anxieties so reform yourself. Everything will work out, believe me. You and your son will be fine. And guess what: Money is not everything. Look at what you have! You have this little pure soul who depends on you and walks next to you in life wherever you go. Isn’t that everything?

The other day you thought about all the wrongs in your life and what you have done in your previous relationship. Then you had this thought:

That which is wrong I have come to make right. I have come to repay the debt of others. I don’t feel bad about what I have done in the past. It always takes two to tango.

Breathe. Do not forget that this life is yours first and foremost belongs to you. You have power over it and can undo many of these wrongs if you choose to. Guess what? When you were born the first debt you inherited was your privilege. Then came the burden of expectations placed on you. This was soon followed by the power others yielded over you. And the final debt is one that grows with each passing day: Time. You often wonder about your purpose here but have you considered that perhaps it is to simply walk this earth with joy? If you can say no to anything which does not inspire happiness or peace in you then you are free from all debts. So, you are free, Daniela? Remember that you can get anything you want but not everything you want. What choices will then lead you to your best life? Aren’t you living it already? I think you do.

Don’t leave yet. You have already learned through your dramas that humans are transient beings. We all come and go bringing varying measures of joy, pain, longing, and wisdom into the lives of others. This is the natural order of things akin to the ebb and flow of the sea. This is also why you must rebuild your circle from scratch. It will shape your entire life so do this with care. Your move from Canada to Austria was already quite big. In all this change, happiness then lies in the constant. Isn’t home still wherever you see your mother’s eyes, Daniela? Your everyday rituals celebrated with your family are what lend comfort, meaning, and familiarity to your life. If I were to tell the truth then your love made me pay attention to myself. When you would kiss me I would go home and look long in the mirror.

I see you in the mirror every day and wonder about the love that will make you feel this way once again. Your divorce will complete almost one year in July and as its memories linger and fade inside you, I need you to regain control of your heart. To open it. I know you have never craved validation from others but when you love someone deeply they become an extension of yourself. Their attention on you translates into boundless self-affection and wonder. You were made to love and be loved and yet on most days you seem to believe that you are incapable or undeserving of it. Where there were wounds once, now there are scars. But all scars will be loved. I promise. What do you see when you look at your reflection? I hope you can see everything worthy of love in you. I see this every day and it makes me believe in the best of you. I will always believe in you.

All my love,

Yours.

John Steinbeck once told his son who had recently fallen in love, “And don’t worry about losing. If it is right, it happens – The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.”

I enjoyed Steinbeck’s books forever. When I first read his affectionate letter many years ago, I completely disagreed with him. His advice seemed counter-intuitive to me. For me, everything worthwhile was worth having immediately and completely. I need it. I need to hurry. I need to win. There was no nuance or subtlety about this fact it meant if I couldn’t have something, someone else would beat me to it. An unfavorable outcome was not only unacceptable but also shameful because it equated my inability to win with inadequacy.

All of us grow up with varying degrees of this competitive mindset and it irks me that we breeze through life and its wonders for the sake of speed, convenience or satisfaction. Our approach to love and kindness is the same as sport or money: only victory is glorious and absolute. I know this isn’t right. In fact, we all do but it’s hard to call out bullshit like this when the only way you can grow your self-worth today is by being successful. I’ve failed at many things many times in my life already. And every year I add to this list. Does that make me less of a woman or more? Does it limit my capacity or expand it? It is ultimately what I make of it. And the same holds true for our ability to practice and celebrate love in our lives.

Falling in Love.

“Total abandonment. I give myself to you. Take me. Do anything you like with me. See. So, that’s quite mad because you see, it’s letting things get out of control. All sensible people keep things in control. Watch it, watch it, watch it. Security? Vigilance Watch it. Police? Watch it. Guards? Watch it. Who’s going to watch the guards?”

What can we do to love better?

What happens when 3 couples try to answer the “36 Questions that Lead to Love”? Authentic connection.

These couples have spent decades together, tackled thousands of questions and jointly made hundreds of important decisions over the course of their lives. And you know what? It shows.

There is a peace to them having discovered and accepted so much about each other. There is calm too in the absence of everyday fears. I felt so moved by their vulnerability and affection that it made me reflect on the traits that make up my own language of love. The more mindful I have become of these mechanics, the more I strive to use them for those I care about. Perhaps, they will serve you to love others better too. Here they are:

1. Love is learning to love yourself first so you can love them better.
2. Love is being kind to them especially when they don’t deserve it.
3. Love is believing in them more than they can.
4. Love is making sacrifices without hesitation.
5. Love is thinking of them before yourself.
6. Love is growing with them.
7. Love is overcoming self-preservation for their safety.
8. Love is believing in yourself, sometimes for their sake.
9. Love is forgiving first.
10. Love is keeping promises in inconvenient times.
11. Love is remembering they’re good for you.
12. Love is providing comfort when grief enters their life.
13. Love is building them up every single day.
14. Love is being a mirror for them.
15. Love is having the courage to call them out.
16. Love is loving those they care for.
17. Love is making and realizing dreams together.
18. Love is being their rock.
19. Love is living without the fear of being enough.
20. Love is feeling less afraid with them.
21. Love is expecting better from yourself and them.
22. Love is being grateful for them. 
23. Love is making them feel beautiful.
24. Love is bringing them a peace they have always deserved.
25. Love is asking them difficult questions so that they can be truthful to themselves.
26. Love is not giving up on them. Ever.
27. Love is winning at life together.
28. Love is dipping a life-long friendship in honey.
29. Love is accepting their history and flaws.
30. Love is making healthy choices because of them.
31. Love is living with fewer regrets.
32. Love is learning to lean on them.
33. Love is listening so they can be heard.
34. Love is saying sorry over and over again.
35. Love is proving love is thicker than blood, sweat, and tears.
36. Love is burying them.