.Focus.
My son and I officially killed another venus fly trap. We fed it with flies, watered it but realized in the end that this is not the environment for it to grow at its best. While trying to edit my book I observed the plant;…
Recent Posts
.What Feels Right – One Week Birthday Aftermath.
I recently turned 37, still studying and unemployed in this awesome country I want to make my new home. When I decided (twice) to leave my stable, full-time jobs to enter into the unpredictable world of academia, research, studying, freelancing and occasionally working at a…
.37.
Every year I have mixed feelings about my birthday. Maybe because this number is changing so quickly and a 4 is in near sight. Or because my son asked me the other day, “Mommy how old are you going to be on Thursday?” Me, “37, Joel”. Joel, “Wow, this is very old, mommy. Like dinosaur-old”. Crickets and silence on my end. Then again, it is just a number. It dawned on me however that I spend a ridiculous amount of energy every year to decide whether I am comfortable with my approaching non-problematic birthday or not.
Is birthday anxiety a thing? Kind of how I don’t like Valentine’s Day? Or how I don’t really care about New Year’s Eve? Deep inside, the optimist in me believes that each and every birthday is going to be a memorable event. Yet, the misanthrope in me thinks that is it silly to place any type of significance on it at all since it is just a day like any other. Just a day on the calendar. Or is it the best day of the year? This is when I was born, on a Sunday at 11.30am, 37 years ago. Some birthdays in the past I do remember clearly while others are simply hazy memories. But maybe this year will be different? Am I trapped in a contradictory hoop of insanity, cynicism or hope? I am an analyst so I thought I give this birthday mystery a little bit of a stirrup by giving my birthday a little neurotic psychological spin by asking the questions, “Does my birthday make me sad?”
Three months out: “Awesome, it is my sister’s birthday on April 4th which means it is exactly 100 days until it’s my big day. Whoohoo. Maybe I should start planning something special like a one-week trip just by myself. Without my son. Maybe a retreat. Or travel somewhere with someone special?”
Two months out: “Okay, maybe this trip idea was a bit crazy. I mean, going somewhere over the weekend, maybe. It would also be cool to get my closest friends together for dinner and drinks.”
One month out: “I don’t even care about my birthday at all. Maybe I just don’t do anything. It is just another day. Maybe nobody remembers. Let me take my birthday date off on Facebook.”
Three weeks out: “Okay, I am just going to chill. Birthdays are completely overrated. I don’t care about mine. Whatever happens, happens.”
Two weeks out: ” Maybe someone is secretly planning a party or something special for me. That would be so sweet. Maybe they are just not telling me about it. Then again, I hate surprises. ”
Nine days out: “Okay, obviously nobody dropped any hints about a secret birthday party. Just my son who asked if I invite him to my birthday party. Duh. To fully skip my birthday makes me feel weird, too. I will just plan a nice dinner with one or two friends.”
One week out: “Okay, a small dinner sounds kind of sad. Maybe I just invite a bunch of people to a big birthday dinner celebration. Whoever wants to come can come. And maybe we can all go out after? I get a babysitter. Maybe we can do it on Friday since my birthday is actually on a Thursday this year?”
Five days out: (putting the Facebook birthday notification back on. I am pathetic) “Formally asking people to celebrate with me makes me feel kind of weird. Also, most of my friends here have kids, so they won’t have time anyway. Babysitters are so expensive after all. And then how would they get along since many of them are from different backgrounds.”
Four days out: “Okay, do I even have friends? Like real friends? Maybe five really good ones. Okay, maybe just two. Or I invite everybody over to my new place/house occupied by Carleton University professors only, to help me move furniture and decorate all night long. Maybe not a good idea. But we could spy on Erik Karlsson. Maybe also not a good idea.”
Three days out: “It is ridiculous at this point. F*** it. I am literally not doing anything on my birthday. It is on a Thursday, so nobody wants to hang out anyway. Also not on Friday.”
Two days out: “Shit, I think I actually do care about my birthday. Nobody will remember it. I have no friends.”
One day out: “I don’t know what is sadder: Not even mentioning my birthday at all, telling everyone or doing something awkward. Option number one. This is the best. Then I will enjoy a glass of red wine by myself tomorrow night.”
Actual BIRTHDAY: “It is my birthday, bitches. The world is my oyster. I tell everyone and everybody is supposed to treat me like a queen. Birthdays are so awesome. Awesome dinner, awesome conversations, and cheesecake with the ones who are very close! My psychology professor would be very proud of me.”
Let’s see what will happen within in the next year but some awesome things are already lined up. I am not setting unreachable targets and goals and just share some things I want to focus on. Firstly, I will start with things that are actually achievable or doable.
I will get into more detail but my book is in its final stages. About one or two more months before it gets published. It was a lot of work, editing, and public relations issues to deal with but I am very proud of myself.
My life is great these days even though the last couple of months were rough. I am not living in the past anymore. The past is over and I am moving on pretty nicely. I stopped comparing myself to others and enjoy what I am doing. I will look back at all this and think about what I have learned from that experience. Most importantly, however, I will treat myself with kindness and focus on my health. Welcome, 37!
.Beth & Jason.
I have written enough blog posts about heartbreak by now. It is time to move on and to leave the past behind. An interesting reader question to one of my last posts was, “How do you know when a relationship is right?” The other day,…
.My Friend got Diagnosed with Hashimoto Thyroiditis.
A couple of months ago I had coffee with a friend and our usual light, happy conversations were accompanied by a dark cloud that seemed to linger over her head. “What is wrong, ” I asked her. She seemed very tired, exhausted and stressed. I…
.(Dis)Honesty.
I watched the documentary (Dis)Honesty and had the urge to talk about it – why do we lie? If you haven’t seen the documentary, watch it. It highlights some great points about rationalization, cheating, dishonesty and to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror. One of my favorite authors, Joan Didion, said, “we tell ourselves stories in order to live, ” but I do believe that some stories people throw out there are exactly those things that keep them from living. A good example is Facebook posts and tons of pictures and videos that mask insecurity, try to impress, pretend or show people what a wonderful life one is living and in the meantime their life is empty, filled with sadness, lies, and dishonesty.
I can pretty much map the trajectory of certain people’s lives building a huge mountain of lies and uncertainties, and every single time I discover a new lie, it feels like another push to move forward and away to a better, happier life.
I told myself a couple of years ago that certain decisions I made were the smartest choices but in hindsight, they were rather the dumbest. Rushing into things, trying to have everything at once never works. When I applied to become a police officer, I told myself that I like this kind of work. I liked the paycheck, but many times I did not really stand 100% behind what I was supposed to do. When I applied for my Bachelor to get a degree in Forensic Psychology I thought I would end up studying psychology in depth and become a therapist. I didn’t. When I told myself I can make this marriage work, it was already over a long time ago.
Strangely, the older I get the more I believe that (mental) growth is simply dismantling lies I previously believed. I used to believe certain lies about myself or recent ones I just discovered because someone told me it was true, such as that I agreed to certain things or I forgot X, Y, and Z while I initially doubted my sanity. I even told others (or myself) certain lies about someone over and over contrary to the evidence but to simply make them look good and pretend I am in a “good relationship”.
Another example I heard of is that someone who was committed elsewhere fell in “unconditional” love (faster than the speed of love) with someone and decided they cannot live without each other. They started to write a book together. They traveled and spent more time with each other which lead to a romantic crescendo of delusion or illusions and eating sausages (duh!) and drinking wine together. To justify their actions and to simply enable both of them to remain secure in their “logic”, they said they are not technically cheating because they tried to change things in their marriages with their partners many times. Those partners, however, did so many things wrong and treated them badly over the years that they simply fell in love. Does this justify cheating?
I have not been surprised that many modern love stories within my circle of friends dance around the same issues; sort of as if sexual contact is unquestioningly more serious than everything that precedes it. By now, I am not trying to analyze marriages or commitments through the detective lens of loopholes since love, whatever this is and means, is not a contract. People change. Emotions change. All this is normal but people should have the balls to talk about those things before they cheat. Another example is a father I met at the playground who told me that he loves to take other mom’s out for drinks with “open end”. “Is this considered cheating?” I asked packing my book and bag to put my feet in the sand somewhere else. He replied, “I don’t think it really matters because it is not cheating in my mind. Plus, we have not been together recently in thought or action”. I left.
However, this sentence stuck with me strangely like annoying heartburn. He simply believes that everybody should just live by his or her own moral compass; easy as that. While I built a sandcastle with my son I thought about how under-examined this grey area of cheating in our culture really is. I want to find passionate, honesty, monogamous couples who really believe in love and stay together while making the relationship work no matter how difficult something seems to be. Talking about issues that bother the partner is important and so much better than having to debate those bounds in the aftermath of a betrayal.
My friend told me not too long ago that it is not important to put a label on a relationship. He said, “We get to decide what does and does not define us. That is totally up to us.” For me, I never thought of it that way because I simply accepted, without question, what I thought it means to be together. Rushing into things, moving in together too quickly, making promises. Shouldn’t a relationship be more like an emotional yet mutual contract that the partners map out together? Being cheated on hurts. Trust and honesty are gone. These days I focus on what I want and need. I will be okay. I hope he finds what he is looking for – with someone else.
.Goodbye Old Ottawa South.
…. but we won’t be far away. My son and I are moving and I am leaving this area with one happy and one sad eye. In this post, I want to highlight the places we/I enjoyed the most; just awesome places in Old Ottawa…
.Minimalism Update.
My son and I are moving soon. (I have been asked where we are moving to so I want to add that for many great reasons we stay in Canada!) Moving for me means decluttering, selling and getting rid of things. Having less stuff makes…
.Questions About Suicide.
It took me several attempts to write this post and gather my words but the tragic death of my favorite chef and author Anthony Bourdain, who died of an apparent suicide attempt last Friday, made me sit down and type. News like this are still shocking to me even though I worked in suicide prevention for quite a while and just finished my research on suicide notes for my Master’s degree in linguistics and discourse studies. Firstly, I want to emphasize if you are feeling alone, depressed, hopeless or suicidal, know that you are not. Crisis Services Canada launched the first National Suicide Prevention Service in Canada. Dialing 1-833-456-4566 from anywhere in Canada will seamlessly connect you with a local crisis or distress center 24/7, 365 days of the year. This website may also be helpful: http://www.crisisservicescanada.ca
After I hear of a suicide, the first question that always comes to my mind is why did the person do it. Why didn’t they see a way out? What was so painful that they chose death over life? What drove Kate Spate, the famous fashion designer, or Anthony Bourdain, to commit suicide? Were there any signs or signals these two send out and nobody paid attention? When I worked as a police officer and dealt with a plethora of suicides, the first thing people used to say was, “He seemed so nice. So calm, so content, I don’t understand why he committed suicide”. I am usually not encouraged to question certain paths that people follow and take, so facing suicide still throws me into shock and into pausing, questioning, thinking and asking.
Usually, whenever a path changes, I am befuddled but this leads eventually to another path which is better aligned with the new goals I hope to reach. I ask why, determine why, and then, of course, recalibrate my actions around the newly shaped goal or purpose. Some people cannot do this, they do not see a way out. They are stuck. There are no moments of real clarity and revision.
A couple of years ago, I was crying to my then-husband in the kitchen because I felt a weird sensation of sadness creeping up my back a couple of hours after I got released from the hospital with my newborn son. Postpartum depression with a mix of baby blues at its best – a horrible feeling, but I eventually snapped out of it. What made me snap out of it? My mother.
What is depression? A friend described her depression as silently drowning in a toilet bowl and someone keeps flushing whenever she tries to crawl up. There is a lot of stress and challenges in my life these days but what is it that keeps me moving forward and getting me back up after being punched? I reckon, my inner incredible strength and my support network.
However, sometimes this darkness gives me chills, especially when I am very exhausted all day. Then it is hard to make decisions but these feelings pass and I see the dark shadow rolling by smiling at me. These days, I feel it is important and more critical than ever to talk about mental health. I have to admit that even after having studied suicide for a long time, it still seems very hard to fathom. Below I want to share some thoughts and writings I collected that helped me through difficult times and for my research with the suicide notes.
People who die from suicide don’t want to die.
A person doesn’t try to end her life “because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors.” – David Foster Wallace
Depression is a disease, not a personality trait.
“Even though science has proven it a million times over, our culture doesn’t yet fully recognize that MENTAL ILLNESS IS A BRAIN DISEASE, just like hepatitis is a liver disease. Depression (and bipolar disorder and schizophrenia and everything else) affects our brain — the organ we use to make decisions. If you’re suffering from suicidal depression, it doesn’t matter how beloved you are or how much you love your family or how much money you have, because your brain is telling you that despite all those things, suicide is your only option. (Or that you need to isolate yourself, sleep all day or other behavior that a healthy brain would recognize as bad decisions.) This is one reason mental illness is so deadly: the part of our body that’s affected is the same part that’s responsible for our behavior. It’s like if you broke your leg and then had to use that leg to walk to the hospital… Depression is an ILLNESS. It’s not weakness. It’s not your fault. And it’s impossible to think or reason your way out of it without help, due to the part of your body that’s ill.” Emily McDowell
Depression isn’t just sadness.
“[Some] imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But these experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow and unendurable.” – Kay Redfield Jamison
“It is very hard to explain to people who have never known serious depression or anxiety the sheer continuous intensity of it. There is no off switch.” — Matt Haig
“It feels like I’m desperately homesick, but I’m home.” — Sarah Silverman
“Is there no way out of the mind?” — Sylvia Plath
There’s nothing selfish about suicide.
Some people say that “it’s selfish to leave children, spouses, and other family members behind… What they don’t know is that those very loved ones are the reason many people hang on for just one more day. They do think about the survivors, probably up until the very last moment in many cases. But the soul-crushing depression that envelops them leaves them feeling like there is no alternative. Like the only way to get out is to opt out. And that is a devastating thought to endure.” – Katie Hurley
People don’t “commit” suicide, they die from suicide.
“This is a much less judgmental, more straightforward way to talk about someone who dies from mental illness. They are not ‘a suicide’ any more than someone who dies from cancer is ‘a cancer.’” – Kelly Williams Brown
I am sending out love to anyone who needs it – I especially include myself these days. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Things will get better. Please reach out for help if you are in need.
.Stepping Out.
I had a great conversation with my friend the other day about looking back on the recent past and how not to think of the pain I felt but rather to think of the strength I gained and to simply appreciate how far I have…
