.SOMETIMES RAW.

“Any old fool can find something to moan about, but it takes skill and effort to see the good in life. Being happy requires strength and intelligence.” – Gala Darling

What does our true deep self long for? Is it our awareness and somehow the acknowledgment for existence or our attention? Personally, I believe, self-love sounds good, doesn’t it? But what does it all mean? Don’t we all strive to be happy and be the best version of our self? And how can we achieve this? 

Many people think that they need to buy certain things or even look a certain way to be happy. I reckon, whenever it comes to true self-love we have to dig a little deeper. The more time I spend by myself and pay attention the clearer the picture gets. 

I have spoken to a bunch of friends in the last couple of days and I realized that some of them are very unhappy with their life, circumstances and choices they made. I read excerpts of this little book that my mom gave me the other day and combined this knowledge with some notes I jotted down after conversations with people. Here is the translated list from the book to be truly unhappy:

1. Always expect that others make you happy
2. Always blame others for your misfortune
3. Always say, “coulda, would, shoulda”, whenever the topic is time, money or friends
4. Always compare what you have with what others have
5. Always be serious
6. Try to please everyone always
7. Don’t ever say, “No”! 
8. Always help others, but never let them help you
9. Always consider your own needs as unimportant
10. Whenever someone makes you a compliment, always play it down
11. Whenever someone criticizes you, blow it up to a ridiculous fight and argue
12. Always make sure you keep all your feelings and worries to yourself
13. Don’t ever change the way you are or your life
14. Don’t ever be satisfied with anything other than perfection 
15. Always spend all your time either in the past or in the future

It is always easier to be unhappy because misery is simple. I sometimes  allow my ego to focus on the negative and from there it goes all down. Meltdown. Even if someone says something and doesn’t even mean it in a negative way, I assume he/she attacks me in some way or another. The only thing that matters is my perspective on those things when I then decide if something is good or bad. Negativity or Optimism is a clear choice. So I just stop making excuses and start seeing things differently, even though when times are rough. 

Here is a also list of some amazing quotes I enjoy. Maybe you do, too. 

“Do stuff. Be clenched, curious. Not waiting for inspiration’s shove or society’s kiss on your forehead. Pay attention. It’s all about paying attention. Attention is vitality. It connects you with others. It makes you eager. Stay eager.”
—Susan Sontag

“I began to understand that all of life is practice: writing, driving, hiking, brushing teeth, packing lunch boxes, making beds, cooking dinner, making love, walking dogs, even sleeping. We are always practicing. Only practicing.”
—Dani Shapiro

“If you are gracious, you have won the game.”
—Stevie Nicks

“It’s interesting how we often can’t see the ways in which we are being strong — like, you can’t be aware of what you’re doing that’s tough and brave at the time that you’re doing it because if you knew that it was brave, then you’d be scared.”
—Lena Dunham

“To me it is really important to live in what I call the spaces in-between. Bus stations, trains, taxis or waiting rooms in airports are the best places because you are open to destiny, you are open to everything and anything can happen.”
—Marina Abramović

“I cured myself of shyness when it finally occurred to me that people didn’t think about me half as much as I gave them credit for. The truth was, nobody gave a damn. Like most teenagers, I was far too self-centered. When I stopped being prisoner to what I worried was others’ opinions of me, I became more confident and free.”
—Lucille Ball

“The most important relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself. Because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself.”
—Diane von Furstenberg

“There is always something to do. There are hungry people to feed, naked people to clothe, sick people to comfort and make well. And while I don’t expect you to save the world I do think it’s not asking too much for you to love those with whom you sleep, share the happiness of those whom you call friend, engage those among you who are visionary and remove from your life those who offer you depression, despair and disrespect.”
—Nikki Giovanni

“Think of yourself like a captain, and you’ve got this little boat. And sometimes the weather’s good, and you’re just sailing, and sometimes big storms hit, and you know, you’re in a stormy sea, but just ride it out, ride it out. Because it’s good to be alive.”
—Patti Smith

“Once we give up searching for approval, we often find it easier to earn respect.”
—Gloria Steinem

“People think you have to know what you want to do with your life by the time you’re 19. Wrong! Or that you have to be in a significant relationship in your twenties. Wrong! It’s all just nonsense.”
—Tilda Swinton

“You must not quote to me what I once said. I am wiser now.”
—Romy Schneider

I walked around in Coburg a bit while I waited for my friend Mischa because we wanted to meet at the Christmas Market.  I picked up my glasses at the Eyeglass store  Fielmann because Petit Joel scratched mine pretty badly.  The salesperson told me initially it will costs 87 Euros to replace the glasses and I remembered my friend Judith who told me to check with them again and ask for a cheaper, 27 Euro, option. I ended up paying 27 Euros for pretty decent replacement glasses and my question is, why they did not mention the “cheaper alternative” in the first place. Do ask for it, if you need glasses from Fielmann in Germany!! 

I was happy about my 60! Euro (not 50!) win and decided to visit some clothing stores before I meet my friend. “Just to kill some time”, I said to myself. While I walked around I thought to push some boundaries of this idea what fashion even is. Many clothing stores in Coburg surprisingly (or not) closed or are closing soon and I guess the next move will be to build malls here for people to shop. This makes me sad because these little stores in Coburg have some sort of charm that I don’t want to miss. 

Looking at myself and evaluating my clothing on a daily basis, I have to say that it is not much of an “outfit” I am wearing. It is usually just a pair of black, grey or blue jeans combined with a tank top and a sweater or shirt in winter and sometimes at home just sweatpants with holes at delicate areas paired with a weird hoodie or knitted sweater. Maybe it is pushing the boundaries a little, but who the hell cares. I am at home and I am comfortable. If I would pair this outfit with a pink bathrobe it would be okay, too. With this attire (minus the pink bathrobe) I am even able to go to the local bakery, walk to the local deli almost across the street and don’t care if anybody judges my life. Not that I care in the first place! You know why? Because I am pioneering a new leisure genre. Needless to say, I dress up when I go out, but also not to any insane extend. I like to wear dresses or skirts but it has to be comfortable. I am not squeezing myself into anything just to “impress” anybody.

I love my look at home the most – Hoodie and sweatpants while I check my emails or work on journals and articles for school. And it is not even uncomfortable if I answer the door in this said outfit for the UPS guy. Who the hell cares! So, with all this in mind, I am touring through Coburg’s Fashion stores with a somewhat “who cares attitude” to find clothing for me that are a more appropriate approach to 2016’s fashion other than a look of “hobo-homeless-chic-style” because I have heard sentences like “You have to get a new sweater! All these linty lumps all over your black turtleneck are just gross”! I don’t agree at all here, okay! The sweater is totally fine!  Nothing wrong with it. 

What time is it? I am checking my phone because I don’t own or want a watch. Fifteen minutes before I will meet my friend. Still time to visit one store to maybe find a lint free black new sweater. I enter the first store on my route and my thought was, “Who is wearing those kind of shorts now? Did a hooker leave them here by mistake or are they actually on sale”? I also found a bunch of outfits that fall into the category of ‘way too cozy or destitute’ that kept me wondering or pondering where this all came from or who would wear mesmerizing, mysterious garment like this ever. In my opinion nobody should  purchase those clothes.

Did I end up buying any clothing? Nope. I was just so disappointed what fashion options are out there and how unimportant all this is. Fashion just creates an illusion! How you should look, how you should dress, how you should decorate yourself to hide your true self and others don’t see who you really are. Who the hell cares what others think! You just wear whatever makes you feel good. Not following any fashion trends makes me feels so much better. 

I walked out of the store. The air was so warm almost sticky and full of chemicals anyway. Have you ever wondered why those clothes at certain stores are so cheap? Duh! THINK! I walked out into the fresh air, closed and buttoned up my jacket, took a deep breath and kept walking to meet my friend. Happy. Content. In my bag, nothing but my notebook, pen, recent book I am reading and excitement to finally talk to him after a long time. 

Back home. My mom, Petit Joel and I walked through Coburg and then enjoyed the Christmas Market. I just love this town. This is home, this is peace, this is my base that makes me happy. Of course I visited my favorite Bookstore and we spent way too much money on books (really? Can you ever?) which needless to say satisfied my nerdy book-loving-heart. We then decided to warm up at a café close to the market place to talk about books and so much more. (This desperate need to catch up in person! No internet, no phone, no nothing!)

While we drank our lattes,  Petit Joel read his new book and I observed three people at a table close by who were just annoying from the start. They did not talk to each other really, but rather focused on their phones and mentioned “Andy, who updated his profile just now“; or “Look at Ricky, who was so wasted last night that he did not even remembered what he ate and snorted chips through his nose“. For some reason or another, I don’t have any intentions to meet those two people mentioned in this conversation and even less after the arguments that followed while all three kept looking at their phones nonstop but then again, I could not stop listening because it was so loud and obnoxious. Their voices took over the café. Human interactions. These two simple words can be interpreted in so many ways. This makes me seems so old, but I do remember a time when I used to sit with my friends at a café and all we did was indeed talk to each other. There were no cell phones. Or they were so big, that you kept them safely in your purse to not hurt anybody and literally only used them to call your parents in case of emergency to be picked up after a party that lasted a big longer than 11pm. Yeah, kids of the 90s, but in hindsight, it was a good time. 

Technology evolved, changed and now we all sit at a table with our friends taking out our phones to place it nicely in front or next to them first thing because, hey, you never know if someone calls or texts. We can access and share anything anytime and take pictures of our food before we even tasted it. And before we start our supper, we write a quick email to our boss to tell him that the project will be done tomorrow afternoon. He then calls to confirm or to tell us he wants the project to be done tomorrow morning and you stress about it and answer your coworker to tell him all about it. Throughout this interaction, the friend you actually had gone out to dinner with sits next to you and stares at you (this is usually me) and wonders what the hell is going on or if I AM is in the wrong picture. For them I was clearly invisible. 

There were no cellphones in school. Kids talked to each other. No texting throughout class. No Sugar-Crush playing throughout your classmates oral presentation. You just listened (or slept) because there were no distractions. My friends and I looked at each other while talking to each other because this is what you do, no? We looked at each others eyes when we spoke to each other. We listened, we watched what kind of body language people had, their mannerism and most importantly, you could tell if the smile was real or just fake. Believe it or not, I could tell if people were less fake. They could not hide it too well behind a Twitter/Facebook-App. It also makes me think at what point I will ever purchase a phone for Petit Joel? At what point is it too early or too late in this generations since they are however so advanced these days. 

I do agree that the positives of technology outweigh the negative by far. Living in a different country, I can connect with my parents, family and friends all over the world by just pressing one button. We can see each other “physically” on Skype or FaceTime and connect with them pretty much instantly. I remember when I left Germany in 1999 and I tried to connect with my family back home; the only communication tool we had was to send an email or a letter. To set boundaries, these days it is pretty difficult I reckon and for some people it is indeed too hard to put the phone away and enjoy a nice lunch or supper while talking to the person(s) who they are with. 

I ask myself sometimes how it all will be in ten to fifteen years. Studying and being fascinated about languages, I wonder how we will communicate with each other. Will we even still physically interact by talking to each other? Maybe there will be an app or where does it all leave us as a human race? Will our “feeling” change as well by being invisible? I most certainly hope not. Is there anything we can do? Balancing? It is kind of sweet to enjoy a moment by just being present. Without gadgets. Just this moment without waiting for “like it” clicks for your birthday  or whatnot because  in the end, who the hell cares. It is my moment. MY moment to enjoy.