.SOMETIMES RAW.

My son started prefacing his requests with this phrase: “I know you are probably going to say no….”. One day I was standing in the kitchen, denying his request for more chocolate for the 9 millionth time, when it hit me: I say no to my kid a lot. I don’t think there is anything wrong with “no”. In fact, I kinda love it because it sets boundaries, it hopefully empowers him to use the word himself, and it is a one-syllable answer to his most annoying question. But it started to feel like my son viewed me as the ultimate naysayer, the one thing standing in between him and fun.

The other day I heard someone say, “Just mostly aim for ‘Yes’ if they [the kids] want anything”. Those words have run through my mind every few days since then. That is approximately 850 times. The idea is that there are certain rules kids need to follow such as “try hard at school”, “be respectful to others”, “go to bed at bedtime”, “eat vegetables and fruit”, and so on, but outside of that, if they want to try something out, just say yes.

Here are some “just-say-yes-moments” that recently happened to me:

• He wants to jump from the sofa to my reading chair and then to my writing desk
• He wants to mix milk and water and take a bath in it like Cleopatra but with goggles on
• He wants to wear pajamas to the grocery store
• He wants to sleep upside down (feet on a pillow)
• He wants to build a huge cave in his room with all the bed-sheets available
• He wants light-up shoes so he can run even faster
• He wants to see if almond milk tastes better when licked off the floor because cats do that.

My knee-jerk reaction is to say no – I mean just take a normal, quick shower, just drink your almond milk – but then I think: why not? If it is not hurting anyone, and he finds it exciting or enticing for some reason, who cares? He might not love the flavor of his drink, but he will feel free and curious. And that is worth it. It is also fun for me to see all the random stuff he comes up with.

On the opposite, what I say yes to all the time is when it comes to reading or writing. Whenever he asks me to read a book to him, even though I am dead tired, I will do it. I currently read one of my favorite books of all time to my son. Momo, by Michael Ende. If you haven’t read it, read it. It is an amazing story for children (6+). Actually, everybody should read this book. Or watch the movie.

I also came up with a little experiment. Three days of saying “Yes” to everything my son asked for. Of course, I established some ground rules that only I knew existed because I live way too far away from Disneyland, and there was no way in hell I will Corona-fly from Vienna to the U.S.of A. Also, I try to avoid Indoor Playgrounds like the plague.

The Rules:

• I can say no, if I want, to repeat requests after the third ask. This is to save me and my wallet from going out to dinner three nights in a row, and to prevent him from watching Netflix four three hours a day)
• No crazy trips to faraway places.
• No toy purchases over Euro 20 for the week
• Nothing that will hurt us or other people
• I reserve the right to override any questionable requests but will do my best to say yes to everything

Day 1- Friday

I started the “Three Days of Yes” raring to go, but quickly realized that my default habit of saying no was deeply ingrained in my brain. He must have sensed something because the second we walked into our home he asked if he could watch Netflix. “Yes,” I said, and I told him I will prepare the pizza for dinner. He loves to make pizza so Netflix was not on his mind anymore and he wanted to help me in the kitchen.

Day 2- Saturday

For breakfast, he asked for a smoothie and my iPad. I made him a frozen banana blueberry smoothie (his favorite) and I let him binge watch Jurassic Park The Series on Netflix. I once again found myself enjoying how nice it is to read in bed and enjoy a nice cup of coffee ( I bought a pretty good coffee machine to enjoy coffee as Viennese people do) while he is in a zombie trance. Win-win for both of us.

Day 3 – Sunday

We have settled into tons of reading, writing, trips, Heurige (awesome wine places here in Austria), and ice cream. Then he asked to go to the beach. Well, we live in Vienna, Austria. No beaches but lakes, so we went to Neusiedler See, which is beach-like. It turned out to be one of the most stress-free three days ever.

The Lesson

It turns out, his wants are not that extreme or extravagant or absurd. He does not need a limousine or asks for tons of candy, and other stuff. He also did not want to order pizza three days in a row but make his own once a week. His asks revealed a desire to help, play, be seen, be independent, and responsible. But I learned that by saying “yes” more often, it allows him to grow, helps me to lighten up and relax as a parent, and also offers up new opportunities for us to connect, play, and bond.

Sure, it is our job as parents to set boundaries, say no, and be the “bad guy.” But saying yes to my kid, and experiencing his exuberance that came along with it, felt really good. So pass the ice cream and crank up The Lego Movie – I am saying yes to saying yes in general. Just don’t ask me to go to an Indoor Playground on a Sunday.

I had an amazing weekend even though it was also a bit sad because my parents left. I just worked an hour on an email to all the parents in my son’s class because I am actually the “Elternvorstand”, meaning I am the liaison between parents and teachers/school. Actually, I like it so far. It is fun and it is great to be involved. I love to write so, these parents will be bombarded with info, ha! And so will you. What is on my mind lately? Find out.

• Stop complaining. I don’t waste energy moaning about the things that get me down. It will only make me feel worse and spread negative feelings. A quick rant to get something out of my system is fine but I ditch the negative remarks and put my energy into fixing the situation instead. I like spreading positive vibes and good humor. No toxic aura.
• I cannot control what life throws at me, but I can control how I react to those challenges. And how I speak about them, too. If I always describe situations in negative terms, I will effectively make up my mind that things will end badly. I rather rephrase the way I refer to things such as I call a tricky situation “a challenge” rather than a “disaster”, and I develop a brighter attitude to life and find that positive results are a much more likely outcome.
• Forgive: Anger and blame are unpleasant emotions to carry around. I think objectively about an incident that upset me: I try to see it form the other person’s point of view. It is likely that they won’t have meant to hurt me, perhaps thoughtlessness or a lack of courage caused the problem? Now I think about my own part in the situation. Have I been playing the victim? Or dwelling on things and creating more stress?
• I make friends with failure. Usually, what people regret in life is not pursuing their dreams. What often stops them from just doing X, Y, or Z? It is the fear of failure. From a very young age, they teach us that failure is a bad thing, but guess what: Failure is one of the most valuable experiences I have ever had. For example, a divorce highlights exactly what I need to change in the future when it comes to relationships.
• I don’t dwell on the past. All the things I should or could have done differently and worrying about it means I am living in the past. It also means I let these experiences control the present and my future. I just make peace with it all.
• I treat myself the way I would treat a loved one. Kindly, not harshly. I explain to myself that I have done the best I could in the circumstances given and forgive myself for any mistake.
• On Perfection: “Have no fear of perfection – You will never reach it” – Salvador Dalí. Perfection does not exist. All the images on social media of other people’s seemingly perfect bodies, homes, careers are not realistic images. No need to achieve perfection to be happy.
• Get organized. We are back to the “new normal” in Vienna and as a single parent, it is important to be as organized as possible. For now, I have our school-morning-routine down. Less stress, and more time to relax and to enjoy every single day. I cut down on tidying time by putting things away as I use them. I plan meals ahead so I don’t waste time on constant trips to the supermarket.
• Focus. I don’t multitask even though I am a woman and should be a master at this. I rather focus all my attention on one task and get that finished before moving on to the next thing on my list.
• Prioritize. I figure out what my top four or five priorities are. Things I am passionate about, hobbies, things that really make my heart sing. I know I have to go to work but I also know that afterward, I can play.
• Less indoors. I love my apartment. It makes me feel good to be home but spending time outside is so much better for me. Especially in nature. It lowers my stress levels, gives me time to gather my thoughts, away from the distractions of everyday life. It also helps me to be more grounded and balanced. I find some grass and lie on it, I could watch, listen to the birds, walk in the rain….. and get wet. You know, normal stuff.

Stay happy. Stay healthy. Stay sane.

“It’s always weird to see people talking about meditation for relaxation while it’s embedded in systems of belief in the East. The same thing happens with mindfulness sometimes.” – Dat Tran, an awesome friend.

What is mindfulness? Mindfulness is the art of bringing attention to the present moment and tuning into your senses that we have such as to smell, hear, and see. Mindfulness means simply to become more aware and have a heightened awareness of things. There are so many benefits of practicing mindfulness on a regular basis. From reduced stress and anxiety, a better ability to cope with stressors, more mental clarity, better attention, and focus. I am by no means the best of practicing mindfulness all the time but when I do make an effort to be more mindful in different small daily actions it makes a huge difference. And this is what I want to talk about today. I want to share some small ways that work for me to incorporate more mindfulness into my day. Maybe it works for you, too.

Mindful Eating. This is a wonderful daily practice we can include in our lives. What this means is simply becoming more aware of the eating process and the experience with food and mealtime. It helps us to digest food better, and we are aware more of all the tastes, textures, preparing the food, the smells and it also helps to tune into hunger and satiety cues that help when we are eating.

When eating mindfully, we are better to tune into how we feel when eating. A way to practice this is to turn off all distractions when you eat. Put your phone and computer away, turn off the TV, and really be present with the food in front of you. Also, try to slow down when you are eating. Take a few breaths between bites, put the fork down, and notice the taste.

Morning Routine. Taking time to start your day in a mindful way is a great thing you can do or start to add to your daily routine. It can be just a couple of extra minutes where you can be with yourself in silence, to have a richer experience when you for example prepare your morning tea or coffee and to be fully present when you are involved in preparing those things. Boiling the water, sitting down to fully enjoy it, smelling it before you check your emails, or rush out of the door before you fully have to start our day.

Mundane Activities. A great way to make a mundane activity more interesting is to simply engage your senses and be fully present in it. Even if it is just for a moment or two. And this applies especially to the things that apply your hands, touch, and feel. Notice the feeling of slicing a vegetable, and preparing food, doing the dishes, and the feeling of scrubbing the plate or pan. How do these things feel to you? For me, it takes on a whole new life if I am fully present in the moment.

Another way to be more mindful is to check in with yourself. And you can do this at any time of the day. It is really just tuning in to see how you are feeling. Like, what do I need right now? Do I need to put my phone away? Do I need to stop scrolling through social media? Do I need to get up from my seat and move or go for a walk? Am I hungry or thirsty? Checking in with ourselves is a great way to figure out where we need to take some actions. This is also a good thing to do when you feel any emotions, especially such as anger and frustration, or when you are feeling overwhelmed or upset. Bring your awareness into that emotion and ask yourself, “What does this feel like? Where do I feel it in my body?” When we do this, we are sort of able to detach ourselves from that emotion and take more of an outsider-look at it. Like being the observer of that emotion.

Meditation. Another way to add some more mindfulness into your day is to meditate. You don’t have to do this for a very long time so if you are new to sitting in silence with yourself you can just set a timer for five minutes and there you go. It doesn’t have to be rocket science. Meditation is a great way to see what is going on inside of you and you can do this simply by sitting down somewhere, closing your eyes (or not, I can actually meditate with my eyes open while standing), finding a comfortable position, and focus on your breath and the sensation of air going in and out of your lungs. And when it comes to your thoughts, and yes, we are often thinking about so many things, we can take a moment to stop while meditating. Think about “thought-clouds” and observe your thoughts as if they would be indeed clouds passing through your mind. This way, you can better disconnect from them and no longer identify with them or even become your thoughts.

I like to practice “Inner-Body Awareness” while focusing on my hands. I learned about this exercise in Eckard Tolle’s book “A New Earth”. You simply sit and enjoy the liveliness of your hands which is a great way to redirect your focus and just be in the here and now.

Mindful Interactions. The next way to practice more mindfulness is to have mindful interactions with others. Not only is this a great way to improve your listening skills but also a great way to enrich your relationships. Fully emerge yourself in an experience you are having with someone or a conversation but just pay full attention to what it is they are saying by listening fully and giving them your full attention and not getting distracted by things you hear or see around you. Or getting caught up in what your response is going to be. We so easily get caught up in the grind or the need for approval from others that we lose sight of what we want. Reconnect with those things and be specific about what exactly they are, whether or not you’re making space for them in your life, and consider ways that you can begin to if needed. To be more mindful, notice your surroundings. Walk in nature. What do you see? What do you hear?

Doing Less. I think that rest and recovery between periods of work are not only a big part of a less stressful life, but essential for supporting your ability to function at your best. Constantly having things to “do” with no real space to breathe is what leads to burnout. Doing less is all about welcoming this slowness into your life and recognizing what is and isn’t worth your time. We can’t say no to everything, but we can still set boundaries for ourselves. 

Stillness. We have become so accustomed to noise and activity that when stimulation, distraction, or entertainment is taken away, stillness makes us uncomfortable. We often believe stillness has no value or means wasting our time as productivity and achievement are so heavily prized. But if we drop the idea that we need to fill every ounce of silence with some kind of familiar activity or distraction, we can begin to understand ourselves better and recognize what actually matters. Just chill. Just be still.

Stay sane. Stay mindful.