.SOMETIMES RAW.

My coffee is strong, I pour in some milk; the white substance plunges in and reappears in some odd looking pattern. I hold my hands around the cup to warm them. I think about the past, I think about her. Her face is horribly sad and she looks very tired. I have wanted to say something to her for a long time but decided to wait. The only reason I am writing this is that I am worried about her, worried about her wellbeing.

I blow into my cup before taking a sip; perhaps this just makes the time pass, while saying her name inside. I don’t know if this is the right thing to do but I start to write.

D.,

this is a letter to you. You, who is in an abusive relationship. The abuse you are living is verbal, emotional, physical and maybe even sexual. There are some things I want you to know, and the first and most important is that you are loved. The second one is that, even though I am far away, I am here for you. You are a good person. You are wonderful no matter what happened and what has been said. You are you.

You are valuable. Please do not forget that, even though he will try to convince you otherwise. You are stronger than that, do not be frightened by him. You have value and worth that he can neither give nor take away from you. You have a right to your reactions, a right to wear make-up and a skirt if you choose to. You have a right to have a Facebook or Instagram account if you want to. Nobody is allowed to tell you to delete all this just because you start a relationship.

He will make you feel bad. He will tell you that you are wrong and unreasonable and just misunderstood by everyone, including your family. But the family is here for you. Nobody left. He put so much bullshit in your head that you, at this point are probably not even sure anymore what is real. Maybe you feel like you cannot trust your own memories and you ended up agreeing with him. Of course, you must have misunderstood when he told you not to wear that dress to pick up your children from school. How come he beat you up so badly because didn’t he say he loves you? How come he does not let you have your own phone? How come he controls who you talk to and when? How come I cannot ever reach you?

So he tells you more lies and garbage and you end up agreeing with him. Of course, you do. He threatens you with more stuff. You also must have misunderstood when he told you you cannot spend time with your girlfriends anymore. You ask yourself how someone so loving, caring and sweet as he can be sometimes does such hurtful things.

You know why? Because the darkness in your partner won’t go away. No therapy can fix this. Ever. You are not imagining things. You do not have to punish yourself or bring yourself down. You are enough. Good enough. It is your okay to talk to family and friends on YOUR OWN phone. Just because you have some good memories with him does not mean the bad times are worth enduring. Don’t the good times usually always come when you almost had enough? Maybe you don’t see that you are abused or maybe it is hard because you love him but just because there may be love does not mean there isn’t abuse.

Abuse can take many forms and maybe you are too deep in it all to really see and understand. It may even have become normal to you. Even normal to the two of you. When you cry on the phone, when you whisper on the phone, when you have to hang up because he is coming home it is NOT OKAY. When your kids say that you cry a lot and are sad, it is NOT OKAY. When you have to hide things from him because you know it will upset him to the point that the anger terrifies you, it is NOT OKAY. When he does something that hurts you a lot, then apologizes but keep doing it and DOING it over and over again it is NOT OKAY. It is NOT OKAY that he punches you in the face so you have a black eye.

It must be so hard to see what is happening when you live in this abusive relationship and it seems impossible for family and friends to understand because we all just don’t see “his good parts”. But guess what? We all see what is happening. We all see it clearly in ways you cannot right now. This abusive relationship is changing and damaging you. Everyone can see it but you.

You probably still love and see good him. He says he loves you, the bond is deep, the relationship is real and more but that does NOT mean that the way he treats you is acceptable. That does not mean you should stay. Plus, it is not all about you anymore. You have children.

There is support out there! I will support you. We all will. I promise. Things will suck for a while, but it will all get better. So much better. I will help you and hold you up until the ache changes from being intense to dull to manageable and you can stand up on your own again. You also know where you can always find more help, safety and a place to stay.

Remember, abusive behavior is always a choice. He may be troubled but that does not absolve him of responsibility. It is also not your job to fix him. Looking at what you have been through already, it seems that he is just not a good person for you. You cannot change him! Keep that in mind. He won’t change because of you. I know you want to. I know you want to save this relationship because you put so much love into it and he is so nice sometimes. But you CANNOT! No matter how much you love him. No matter how good you try to be so he won’t get mad. NOTHING WILL EVER STOP THE ABUSE. IT WILL GET WORSE.

Talk to me. Let me know about your situation so I can be there to help if you need it. We always used to talk for hours. I do not want to lose you.

Everybody talks about intermittent fasting these days and it grows rapidly in popularity. What is intermittent fasting and how do you do it? Are there benefits and who should avoid it. Interested? Read on.

What is intermittent fasting?

In a nutshell, you basically eat the same amount of food that you usually do but during a shorter period of time. The term fasting refers to any period of time when you do not eat food. Actually, we fast every night when we sleep. It is important when we eat. Because everything is available 24/7, we can get in this habit to constantly eat all around the clock, especially late in the evening/night. What uncontrolled eating does is, for example, it creates appetite irregularities and up-and-down blood sugar patterns which can also negatively impact sleep.

Three types of fasting methods.

Eat-Stop-Eat (“5:2”). This type of intermittent fasting means you eat in your usual manner for five days of the week and either restrict food intake on 2 non-consecutive days (for example Tuesday and Thursday) or fast altogether on those days (no food for 24 hours). Personally, I find this method quite restrictive and have not tried it myself but heard of some people who love it.

16:8/18:6. These are just different options for lengthier fasts that involve no food intake for 16-18 hours and eating over a span of 6-8 hours.

Time-Restricted Eating (TRE). This type of fasting is based on the science of the circadian (natural) rhythms and means that we eat during the day and stop eating at night. With TRE you want to focus on an eating window of 10-12 hours and fast for 12-14 hours.

Some important Benefits

1. Intermittent Fasting supports cardiovascular health. It can help to reduce cholesterol, especially low-density lipoprotein (LDL aka the “bad one”)
2. Autophagy. Auto-what? Autophagy is basically a cellular cleansing process that occurs when cells have insufficient sugar. It causes them to start breaking down their own damaged, old or diseased cell fragments to create new energy and also newly regenerated cells. Pretty neat, huh! Usually, this occurs in longer fasts but we also experience it a bit during overnight fasts of 12-13 hours. Of course, we do not want autophagy to occur all the time because that would mean we are starving.
3. Better gut health & Inflammation. We usually do not feel like eating when we are sick. This is a natural reaction and signal the body sends out asking for a break. Intermittent fasting can lower inflammation which means less disease, better immune function, and a healthier body overall. Since fasting helps reduce inflammation and reboots immune function it can be beneficial for autoimmune diseases such as Hashimoto’s. Of course, always speak to your doctor if you have concerns.
4. Improved Blood Sugar Balance. Let’s dig out my Biochemistry book: Whenever we eat, the sugars from food signal the pancreas to produce insulin to rush it into the cells. The liver then stores fatty acids in fat cells and converts sugar to glycogen. Do you still follow? Now the body has stored all the sugars and fats from the meal and insulin and blood sugar drop. The pancreas secretes a hormone called glucagon to signal the liver to convert stored glycogen back into sugar to release it into the bloodstream to balance blood sugar. This “storage” and “burning” mode usually happens cyclically all day long and the body uses remaining stores when we sleep at night. Problems may occur when we constantly or irregularly eat all day, especially high sugar and fatty food. Then the body is stuck in “storage mode” and too much insulin is secreted all the time which can lead to insulin resistance or low/high blood sugar. Intermittent fasting is a great way to improve insulin resistance, fatty liver, and conditions associated with blood sugar regularities.
5. Weight loss. Intermittent fasting can aid weight loss because the body is allowed to exit “storage mode” and burn internal resources instead. It is also great to regulate appetite because it balances satiety hormones (ghrelin and leptin) and hunger.

Who should avoid (intermittent) fasting?

• Those who try to get pregnant, are pregnant or breastfeeding moms
• Anybody dealing with extreme stress (any extended fasts (14+ hours) are stressful for the body because the body will perceive those fasts as periods of famine)
• Diabetics. They should consult a doctor first.
• Anybody with a history of eating disorders. Always make sure you consult a doctor before exploring with fasting and diets on your own.
• Anybody who is new to intermittent fasting should aim for 12-13 hours.

I experiment with intermittent fasting for about one year now and I respond really well to it. I usually follow an 11 am-7 pm eating – 7 pm – 11 am fasting rhythm, usually 3 days a week but of course, there are exceptions because this is life.

There is also a great app that you can download that allows tracking fasting/eating windows.

Have you ever tried intermittent fasting? Please share your experience and leave questions and comments below.

Mother’s Day is on Sunday, May 12th. Today, my son’s school invited to a Mother’s Day Tea Party which turned out to be such a lovely event. I may have wiped away a tear or two when the kids sang songs and told us moms why they love us. My son is the sunshine in my life. Even though he is a pain in the butt sometimes, I love him unconditionally. With his birth and like a slap in the face, I became a mom. I can honestly say that I did not enjoy every minute of it but overall, it is one of the best things that ever happened to me. I am a mom. Mothers are good forces of nature. Mothers have to be very strong at times.

My mom is wonderful. She amazes me daily with her steely refusal to give in to daily life’s struggles and sorrows that affect her. She holds her head high and helps my siblings and I even when her own heart hurts and when she questions things we do. She battles on and on, a soldier through and through. Seemingly without getting tired – unless one really asks.

My Mother wiped away my tears when kids threw rocks at me, threw me off my bicycle or beat me at the Junebug bushes while my friends and I collected insects to put them in a jar. My Mother was there and protected me and told me that they do not know any better. That nothing really matters. To be strong. That this is all forgotten tomorrow.

Who was there when I struggled through High School? When my grades were bad? When someone had to explain mathematics and (bio)chemistry to me? When I hung out with kids who were not the “right influence”? My Mother.

Who was always there for me in times of need? Heartbreak? Whenever I cried and did not want to leave home to study at Police Academy at a young age? When I rather wanted to stay in my bed, bed sheets pulled up to my nose? When sometimes pressure was so bad I could not breathe? Who kissed and touched my head when I was sad? Who always gave me unconditional love? You did, mom.

Who gave me life and life again? When I was sad and did not see a way out of a situation? Who gave herself away so many times trying to make me feel better. Trying to make sense and explaining it all. Who never gave up the fight for my struggles in life and who I am when I thought it is all so pointless and useless?

You, mom.

Who kept on giving even though she was tired at points? Who took care of my son when I was so tired but she had to go to work? Who spoke to me for hours on the phone when I went through a very hard breakup?

You, mom.

Who, to this day, knows when I am hurt? When I am saddened? Face down in the dirt? When I feel like a failure?

My beautiful, precious and dear heart mom.

When my mom is worn out and her heart is torn, she keeps on helping. When she is sad and her mind half mad of anger, she keeps on fighting for me and supporting.

Mom,

all this to say, this is a love letter to you. I am making a toast to the incredible mother you are, in essence, one of the most crucial elements in the lives of me and my siblings. Here is to you! And thank you. Unconditional love to you. Because of you and your love for me I know what the word “unconditional” actually means and feel it for my son.

Happy Mother’s Day.