.SOMETIMES RAW.

You know what one of my special talents is besides being obsessed to have a clean house or untangling ropes and wires? Making volcanos out of molehills or sand. Also, I have this talent to blow a bad situation out of proportion completely, usually whenever I am on the phone with my mom. During our last (somewhat sobbing) phone call, my mom opened my eyes when I told her that my life is a mess and terrible. “Think about all the positive things happening in your life”, she said and added that I should stop focusing on everything negative and don’t let this stuff overshadow the rest of my awesome life since I already know what to do if I dig down really deep and listen to myself. 

After this particular phone call, things made sense. My mom calmly explained life to me while I am all over the place, trying to focus while being a Debbie Downer and letting the negativity spoil the positive things in my life within one second. Whenever something bad happens I have the tendency to let this unhappiness seep into all other aspects of my life which is definitely not a good thing. So, if things work well in my life, I tend to not allow it to boost my overall morale and well-being but rather seek more. Usually, it is all or nothing meaning that either everything goes well or everything is a disaster. I know this is not a healthy way of thinking and that it is taking a huge toll on my emotional life and for some reason, it takes a tremendous amount of work to snap out of it. But now, I have to. 

A series of events happened in my life that includes trying to find a job, a move, solo-parenting, studying and a plethora of exams. I was losing sleep, losing weight, having this brain fog that did not clear up and breaking down crying at points while trying to figure out where my life is heading. Occasionally, I had this feeling that I did not know where my life was going at all and “German” worrying and negativity was, of course, feeding itself until this massive grey cloud of sadness appeared that I could no longer ignore. 

Throughout my studies, I met so many people who gave me strength, power, and inspiration to break this insane cycle I was stuck in for the last couple of years. I have been reminded again to focus on positive thinking, daily affirmations and to allow myself to recognize and enjoy special happy moments, with no strings too tightly attached. This is all new territory for me and I enjoy to discover it more. All this advice was only helpful once I discovered my emotional agility to get there by myself since I was in the middle of this negativity meltdown, and any moment of recognition and self-worth felt somewhat forced and did not lift me out of the misery I was in. So what to do when I try to lean into optimism but I get a shitload of pessimism and I cannot climb out of the toilet because someone keeps flushing?

I simply acknowledged the facts. I acknowledged that I am in a negative place right now which is helpful to me since I live in the moment. It somehow allows me to recognize all the negative stuff going on in my life in a larger sense while focusing on them and trying to find solutions instead of just wishing things away. Also, sometimes it is helpful to engage in tangible activities or distractions rather than happy thoughts. For example, thinking of a separation agreement I put on my sneakers and go for a run. Or, if I desperately want to write but nothing of value comes to my mind at this point, I just bake some blueberry muffins to distract myself and to make me feel better; even though it may only be a temporary diversion; but yum!  Kinda like, gaining new perspective through blueberry muffins which might be actually helpful. 

I also stopped beating myself up when I am in a shitty mood because it makes my situation simply worse. I just acknowledge when I feel bad and tell myself that it is completely fine and then try to figure out ways to make the situation better. Acknowledging my feelings and recognizing why I feel shitty is important as well as figuring out how to move on. It becomes easier to deal with all this on a daily basis. Being able to reach out to family and friends is salient as well since they offer help and support and ways to shift my focus out of this negativity bs. And you know what? Since I realized all this, I am celebrating the good things in my life (and there are so many) and I let the bad ones just roll off my shoulders by simply taking a step back and seeing the bigger picture. Whenever I am not able to do this, I focus on other things that make me happy such as spending time cooking shrimp and having a beer at the river with my friend contemplating life. I also always have Yoga, meditation, a good book, a good movie and myself.

Has all this positive thinking turned me into some sort of super-zen human? Nope. I simply leave the past behind and look joyfully toward the future. These days, I am actually not really in the past or in the future. I am right here, right now. I am in the right place, doing the right thing, at the right time and have the best people possible surrounding me to help when necessary.

My story is unique, my journey is exciting and my life is amazing. Also, everything is exactly as it should be and good things are coming my way since I know what is best for me and I approve of myself. My ability to overcome challenges is really limitless and I am not afraid of my fears since they do not control me. Those fears are just thoughts and not reality. I can and I will since the possibilities in my life are endless. 

The German Angst is still creeping up here and there but with practice, it is more manageable for sure and in the near future I will be able to build an even better mountain out of this molehill by adding tiny bits of sand to the pile.  And there is always a special shelter. 

On my quest to figure out relationships I stumbled upon the podcast “Where Should We Begin” and was hooked. Relationship therapist Esther Perel works with anonymous couples in search of intimate, raw and profound details while analyzing topics such as loss, infidelity, sexlessness, sex addicts, adultery and so much more. One of the things Perel mentioned is that she gives adultery a chance. Obviously, I had to get to the bottom of this. 

Did you know that swans, those beautiful romantic creatures floating innocently around and are symbols for sexual fidelity and romance, have some chronic cheaters among them? I am still surprised how swans were able to keep this from us for so long. I reckon there are other species out there who have shown a consistency in being unfaithful lovers. According to scientists (who gets funded for research like this?), only a handful of animals experience monogamy. One I remember was California mice. You should keep that in mind when buying Valentine’s card searching for a perfect cover. Don’t use anything swan! Mice are okay. 

Humans are also bad at being faithful. According to Statistics Canada, estimates of people who fool around on their significant others vary from less than twenty percent to up to seventy percent. Well, those are the numbers of the cheaters we caught. Of course, we cannot find too much reliable data since cheaters are usually untrustworthy or they do not agree on what actually qualifies as cheating. Is kissing someone else cheating? Oral sex does not count, according to Clinton. Sexting? Or when I tell my partner, “I know you have a very stressful job. Do whatever you have to do to get through this”, entail that he can cheat? I mean I did not specifically say, “This does not include to cheat on me” so I guess it is (also) my fault. Statistics further show that women are just as bad as men when it comes to cheating. A couple of years ago, their adulterous options have been somewhat more limited due to economic dependence or domesticity but since women entered the workforce Pandora’s box of temptations has been opened. 

Anthony Burgess describes adultery as “the most creative of sins,” and yes, he is right. Thanks to social media and the ability to connect anywhere, cheating is so easy. Tinder or Facebook your way through infidelity in no time. So does this mean we can just eat “them forbidden apples” even more hungrily than ever? In the US for example, adultery is still illegal in many states and is even seen as a crime that can justify denial of citizenship. According to Esther Perel, however, the desire to stray is not evil but human. In her therapy sessions, she focuses first on the motives why the partner cheated. “To look at straying simply in terms of its ravages is not only reductionistic but also unhelpful, “she writes. So, it is initially okay to experience rage and hate but then the motives and meaning of an affair need to be explored. Perel states that “now the real work begins. To acknowledge the point of view of both parties [since it always takes two] – what it did to one and what it meant to the other”. By trying to analyze what was joyful, liberating, satisfying or meaningful for the one who cheated should be taken into consideration, she adds. 

Whenever an affair is detected, it is usually devastatingly painful for the ones betrayed but maybe it may also be somewhat invigorating. For example, one may consider the expectations of what marriage is/was in the first place. It has been analyzed that to make a relationship function at its best, comfort, excitement, sexuality and intellectual stimulus need to be present mostly at all times. According to Perel, partners are too quick to look elsewhere the “moment that those needs aren’t being met”.

One has to keep in mind that there is no such things as absolute romantic security in relationships. There is no “affair proof” marriage out there. We can tell each other that trust is the most important thing for us in a relationship and that it also is the only thing that should/can not be broken but who can promise this?

The psychoanalyst Adam Philips said that trust is “a risk masquerading as a promise.” I do not want to be seen as the only progenitor of my partner’s desire but rather as a current enjoyer or recipient. “Introducing uncertainty sometimes requires nothing more than letting go of the illusion of certitude. In this shift of perspective, we recognize the inherent mystery of our partner,” she states which means to me that to love is to have, and to desire is to want, and a balance of the two makes for a more enduring connection.

Perel wrote an awesome book that I can highly recommend if you would like to read. Perel is Belgian-born and practices in New York. I just love her European take on desire, love, and lust. 

My son is four years and six months old now and conversations with him are changing. He is busting out gems left and right and in some way, I can almost have some adult conversations with him. Tonight he watched his favorite movie these days: “How to train your dragon”. I know the entire movie by heart at this point so I picked up a book to read a bit while cuddling with him. Out of a sudden, he asked me, “Mommy, what are you reading?” I told him and he had a bunch of questions which was weird and cute at the same time. He is at such a funny age now, curious, speaks three languages fluently, wise at points so I can learn from him, but then he turns around and wants to fly out of the window like Toothless, the dragon in his movie. 

When we walked to school the other morning, I was reciting certain terms from my anatomy final exam and explained to him why the heart makes the lub/dup sound. He turned to me and said, “I kind of like learning new things more than I like knowing things, mommy. We learn about the heart at school, too.” Joel’s humor is also developing in some witty way. The other day I asked him, “Joel, what is going on over there? With all that noise?” He answered, “Oh, nothing really, just a headless dragon that I tamed because he was trapped in an erupting volcano.” 

It is getting warmer in Ottawa so we went to the playground. Joel saw a friend from school and asked how long he can play with him. I told him, “Mommy brought a book so you can play at least for two hours.” He looked at me, smiled, nodded and ran off. Five minutes later he came back and asked me, “Mommy, what are hours?” 

Joel: “Life throws a lot at us.” Me: “Yeah, wow, that’s deep and so true, my love.” Joel: (pause and thinking) “Yeah, like meteors, hot lava, space junk and garbage from the garbage truck.”

Although we can drive each other crazy at points, this bond Joel and I have makes my heart melt sometimes. The other day I had a slight meltdown because this final exam was on my mind for days. I got Joel ready for bed, read him a story and we cuddled a bit in my bed. I told him that I have to study some more and he said, “Mommy, you will do fine, don’t worry. You are smart.” [I passed the exam btw!]

The other day I saw my neighbor who just had a baby on Monday. She is exhausted, red eyes, no sleep for days and she asked me if this shit is getting better eventually. I told her that only the exhaustion level slightly changes. My son can be sweet but he can also fry my brain. Especially, when I have deadlines, appointments and things that need to get done it may happen that I am dealing with decision fatigue and just say yes to pretty much everything just to keep him calm. [A little update: I have been accepted to the Ph.D. program at Carleton University; have two possible job opportunities, will self-publish my book pretty soon and have an interview here to see if I can supply innovative help with holistic nutrition/depression/suicide/linguistics/police to eventually decrease aboriginal (youth) suicide rates in Canada]. 

With all this going on, solo-parenting my child and him never ever stop talking, I decided to write down every single question this kid had during one single day even though this turned out to be completely intractable. The list does not include requests like “can you wipe my butt, mommy” or “I peed in my bed and now everything is wet so I need new clothes” to “My belly was sick, all the food came out so I need new clothes”. Here is the result. It is just insane what a mom has to go through. Parenting is no joke. This is the conversation from last Wednesday: 

Can I have the iPad? 

Can I have nail polish, too?

Can I have a muffin and a banana for breakfast?

Can you make me waffles for school?

Can I have a Kinderriegel in my lunchbox?

Can I take this toy to school?

Can I mix almond milk and apple juice?

Can I have a bite of your apple?

Can I play a bit?

Can you turn on the song Low Rider?

Can I listen to “Science”? (Sure!)

Can you help me count my money? (Why is he playing with change?)

Can I have chocolate chips or Nutella on my waffles?

Can I mix it?

Can I eat baking powder?

Can I mix it now? Is it my turn?

Can I watch “How to train my dragon 1 or 2 now?”

Can I watch Paw Patrol now?

Can I have chocolate?

Can I bring Mrs. Sweetman a waffle? (Enough with the damn WAFFLES!)

Can we play Lego?

Can we play Paw Patrol, Dragons, hide and seek?

Can we build a cave?

Can I have pasta and salmon/meat sauce for lunch/supper?

Can we go for Pho?

Can we go for Sushi?

Can we paint afterward?

Can I look at your book?

Mommy, are you writing your book? 

Can we go to the bookstore? (ANYTIME!!!!, he knows me too well)

Tell me who makes you so happy when you text/talk on the phone!     😀

Can we call Oma and Opa in Germany?

Can we meet Judith and Keith? (Oma and Opa in Canada)

What time is lunch?

What is time?

Can I text your friend who makes you happy? What are emojis?

Can we go running together? (He is on his bike and I run next to him trying to work out)

Can I watch Dr. Seuss on your phone? (Out with my friend Judith for ice cream) 

Can I have chocolate ice cream for lunch?

Can I have apple juice?

Can I do a magic trick for you?

Can I take my bow and arrow/slingshot/stick on the walk?

Can we go to Cabelas?

Can I wear your coat?

Can I come to your school? Where are my mittens?

Can I put my mittens in your purse? And my hat? And my scarf?

Do you have anything to drink/eat? (While at the bookstore or anywhere really)

Can I have my mittens back?

Can you hold my bow and arrow?

Can you hand me my boots?

Can you button my sweater?

Can you help me with my shoelaces?

Can I have french fries for supper?

Can we play after supper?

Can I leave the table? (this one is actually cool)

May I be excused? (and so is this one!)

Are you done with your food, mommy?

Why do you like salad so much?

Why is pepper so spicy?

Can I sleep in my jeans?

Can I take my books to bed because I still have to study?

Do I have to go to bed NOW?

Just ONE MORE EPISODE, then bed!

Can you read something to me?

One more chapter?

Can I show you my artwork?

Do I have to sleep now?

Do I have to go to school tomorrow?

Can I cuddle with you tomorrow?

Can I keep my lights on?

Can I listen to Benjamin Blümchen?

What are we going to do tomorrow, mommy?