.SOMETIMES RAW.

This morning I received an email from my mom wishing me a happy Mother’s Day. Honestly, I am not very fond of days like this one. Valentine’s Day? Hells to the no! I want to be loved, respected and treasured by my family every day and do not need anything special just because a day in the calendar tells me so. 

I had a nice chat with my sister last night about how we, as mothers, deserve props for having all these superpowers we seem to have. As a mother, I notice things differently than before. I notice when we run low on diapers for example among other things that seem to magically appear and reappear in the household. I notice that we run low on my son’s favorite apple juice, muffins, Nutella and whatnot. I am the one who notices that certain veggies are rotting in the drawers in the fridge and that bananas are getting dark spots in the fruit basket. (Damn you, fruit flies!) I get input from le husband; however, I am the person who usually stays on top of these things and this post isn’t about him. It is about me, since it is Mother’s Day, eh! I definitely have superpowers and I am seeing things. Well, not dead people but basic stuff that makes life easier. I kinda rock! 

I rock in this mother-business because I notice that we are running low on coffee, on new clothes for Petit Joel, toothpaste/dental floss, lice hair shampoo (germ infested Daycare!). I am the person who notices we are running low on jam, pasta, bananas and other food basics and life/nerve-saving snacks to survive long car rides. I am the one who has all the ingredients at all times to make waffles which is essential. I am the one who notices that we run low on toilet paper and Tylenol (the party on Friday evening lasted longer than expected). I am also the one who notices that we run low on Children’s Tylenol and Paw patrol band-aids just because. I am the one who notices we are running low on crayons, glue sticks, sparkling water colors, paint brushes and colored pencils. 

I am also the one who notices that we need paper towels, laundry detergents, sponges, cleaning supplies and dish soap. I am the one who notices that Petit Joel needs new shoes and clothes that actually fit him. And hats, mittens, and appropriate outdoor clothing for Kindergarten since it is still sort of winter here. I know when sick notes, vaccinations and annual doctor visits are due. Also when Kindergarten forms need to be filled out and payments need to be made. Even when library books are due!  

I am not the one who notices that we are running low on oil for the car. That the battery needs to be charged and the charger needs to be charged so it can charge the battery. That Netflix account and iCloud storage need to be updated and that phone chargers, flashlights, fire distinguishers and lightbulbs are handy but who cares about and needs all this, right? Back to me.  

I am the one who hears: “Mommy, Mama, Mooooooooom, Mamiiiiiiii, I can’t find/do/see [insert anything here]” all day long without losing it. I am also the one who snuggles and is always there when Petit Joel has a fever. I am the one who sees dustballs under the table and crumbs on the couch. I am the one who finds the crayons in the car under the passenger seat. Petit Joel’s wrist watch is there as well. I am the person who knows when birthday parties (actually any party) and anniversaries are due and what kind of gifts to get in advance. I am also the one who notices a rotting goji berry under the kitchen counters. These are all real observation talents that mothers usually do not get credit for. You just do it, every day, without complaining. Okay, most of the time I do not complain. Okay, I complain but did we ever run out of diapers or apple juice? Never. 

Happy Mother’s Day to me and to my Mother who did the best job ever! I love you Maaaaaamiiiiiiiiiii <3

I took a picture of this little paragraph today that someone jotted down on the wall at the library at the university. It somehow stuck with me throughout the rest of the day. It made me think. Made me think about my life even while I was at the supermarket with my son shopping for supper. I realized that the most obvious and ubiquitous things in life are for some reason the ones that are the most difficult to talk about. This little banalities in our day-to-day life while we go on, what gives our life “meaning” or importance. [I love reading the scribbles on the walls at the library]

So, what is the value of this education and the degree I am getting and “earning”? Does it pay off? Does it even have to pay off? All these things I learned in the past seven months at university and gaining a myriad of new knowledge: Is it supposed to just fill me up or should it teach me how to think on my own? Do I need anybody to teach me Statistics and all these formulas in mathematics or should I be proud that I had been accepted at a university to start and finish this degree? It rather gives me the choice of how and what to think about, I reckon. I believe this has value to me. An atheist friend told me once that she is really depressed most of the time. She usually feels like she is stuck in a toilet bowl and someone keeps flushing. When she was at her lowest point she asked another friend (pretty catholic) for help who told her to just pray and ask god for help. So my friend did exactly that. She said: “God, I cannot take this anymore. Please help me”. When those two met again my friend felt a lot better and the catholic friend said: “See, I told you. God will help you. You must believe in him now, right? He saved you from drowning in your toilet bowl!” My friend just answered that she met a man, now current husband, two days later who is the love of her life and she is the happiest she has ever been. Was it god or coincidence? Who’s interpretation is true and correct now? We construct meaning to whatever we do, I think. Everyone interprets life differently; for example some are arrogant, blind, religious, open or closed-minded, certain or imprisoned in their thoughts. But usually, when I feel most certain about something, it turns out to be totally wrong. I guess, the only choice we have is what we worship. Go figure! 

While I am passing the sushi aisle I thought about that I am not the center of the universe. I am not more important than the guy who is digging through my garbage in front of my house looking for food. I won’t preach about what’s right or wrong or bring up any personal virtues here I am just interpreting what I am doing through my own eyes and experiences. Through my self. How much of this work I am doing every single day involves actual intellect or knowledge? I guess it all depends on what type of knowledge I am talking about. I think academia is great but it is salient to pay attention what is going on right in front of me as well as  inside me. To also pay attention and focus on what my head and heart tell me is great. To be aware and conscious to choose what to pay attention to while I create meaning through experience is important to me. 

The mind or brain is our servant but I don’t want to be a slave to my head. Most likely and I assume here, the person who wrote the paragraph on the wall, does not know what it means to have a “9-5” job from Monday to Friday. This boredom and routine that slowly creeps in with almost every job and people end up frustrated. You come home after a long day and decide to go to bed early because you have to do the same routine again the next day. But you realize you don’t have food at home. So you drive to the store. This is where you meet me and my son just in front of you at the cheese counter. You are annoyed because the traffic was bad and this stupid kid is jumping all over the place wherever you want to push your cart and all you really wanted to do is get in and out of the store as quickly as possible. Of course, after you put all the food you need in your cart and you walk tiredly to the register, this kid is right in front of you again in this incredibly long checkout line while the person behind you yells in his cellphone pretending it is a megaphone. 

Meaningless little routines, day in and day out. This frustrating stuff on top of everything else. Papers to write, finals to pass, assignments to hand in. Priorities. Does it all matter?

But, thinking differently like, maybe this person in front of you in the car had a bad day as well, their dog just died, the wife just left, you name it. Maybe I am the one bothering someone in the supermarket as well. Again, it is all about choices and luckily we are able to choose and look differently at certain things and I always have other options. If I cannot deal with X, Y and Z. I can transfer any situation from good to bad I believe. I can consciously decide what I give meaning to and what I don’t really care about. This for me is real freedom. 

I don’t have cable TV and I recently unfollowed all of the daily news feeds I signed up for. The constant “bing” when Trump said this or did that just annoyed me including the rest of the news actually. It  made me either angry, sad or depressed followed by a somewhat helpless annoying feeling.

Society tells me to “be myself” but what they really mean and add in fine print is “No, not like that!” I have to fit in and somewhat accept what government and politics decide for me. I do not want to sound completely pessimistic, but if things continue the way they do, this earth is going to be completely destroyed rather sooner than later. The question I ask myself is, if I can do something to stop it all but I quickly found the answer: “Not really!” I don’t think anybody out there who is doing politics or is in charge of major political decisions gives a crap about me as person and what I think or have to say. It seems that they also don’t care about this earth either or protests and protesters. Unfortunately, many are still fooled by political propaganda or seemingly “good” PR and do not see outside the box and what is really going on. Human rights? Yeah, “right”! 

Unfortunately, being educated and conscious only gets me so far. I care about our future, about the earth and of course my family and son. How can I make little changes to make this world a little better? For one, I can write and put my thoughts out there besides making some changes in my life. Sometimes it is just baby steps, but better those than nothing since I am aware that I alone cannot change anything major on the governmental or political level. And there are a lot of changes that need to be made I reckon. Changes start for me at home. Nothing and nobody is perfect and I believe that it is does not have to be like “all or nothing”. As I said, little steps in the right direction is sometimes all it takes. 

I want to share some food for thought today on what I do to make this earth a little better. I try to buy organic and local food at the farmers market as much as I can. Whatever is in season; nobody needs strawberries or tomatoes in winter – it does not even taste good. Every time I go to the supermarket and buy food, I make the choice and decide what world I want to live in and what I want to put in my body to nourish it. 

I pay attention to the ingredients in the products I purchase by opting for clean and natural things (food,  hygiene and cleaning products). I try to avoid processed sugar whenever I can and use natural alternatives like dates, bananas and such for sugar cravings. Or I make my own chocolate.  

I also try to pay attention to what type of clothing I wear. Since I am into Minimalism, I do not own that many clothes and opt for quality over quantity. (Second Hand clothing, local designers etc.) Of course I cannot stop the production of cheap clothing that are produced in developing third world countries where workers are exploited daily. But I can make the choice not to buy it because I don’t want to (1) support this madness and (2) be exposed to these cancer causing pesticides that go in our soil, food, clothing, streams and so much more. Overall, I want to buy smarter and less simply because I don’t need that much. If I buy less, there is also less demand. What happens when people stop buying certain things in stores? They disappear eventually from the shelves. Sustainability is important too. I want items to last, rather than to throw them away after one time use. I try to make smart, conscious choices and ask myself the same question with every single item I put in my cart in the store: “Do I really need this? Does this add value to my life?” (This is the Mari Kondo concept!)

I know I have to work with and not against nature and I make sure I teach my son all this already. Cannot hurt, right? So we do whatever we can when we can. Take shopping bags from home, rather than using plastic bags. Little things because our government won’t make the changes we so desperately need.