.SOMETIMES RAW.

It has been pretty quiet on my blog these days. From writing daily to writing once or maybe twice a week is a pretty drastic change for me, too. This year was somewhat crazy. A lot of changes and adjustments but there has been one thing I have spent a lot on. Making sure that I spent enough time to de-stress, be calm and sort out all this mess that is going through my head. The Master Program at my University is no joke – I thought it would be easy-breezy but it is far from that. So usually, I spend my days at the library on a daily basis. I read, I write and I research. It is all fun, but it can get tiring and overwhelming. Especially, since this semester is almost over. 

Do you still find an empty seat on the third floor at Carleton Library’s Silent Floor? Barely! Everybody tries to get the final assignments and papers in or prepares for exams. Me: Writing a 30-page final paper for a Systemic Functional Linguistics class is also not that much fun. I have had a pretty busy week with a lot on my mind and simply want to sit back and relax (or read for pleasure? what was that all about again?)  but here are some tips that I use to de-stress and help to relax throughout this crazy final-paper-time – physically, mentally and emotionally. 

Candles and Tea

At night, my favorite thing these days is to light some candles, make myself a cup of tea and just relax for a while before I go back to my office to work. Reflect on the day, maybe read something for pleasure or talk to friends. I also love to bake some almonds in the oven and eat those while they are still hot and sip my tea and read. The little things! And then I do not think about my thesis – not at all. Not at all!  Bing-bong! 

Writing. 

I write, read and type all day long. This is my passion. This is what makes me happy. But journaling and blogging is something that somewhat fell behind these days. I used to write in my diary since I learned the alphabet. Now it is somewhat online, and I am thinking about adding different categories on the blog. More about this soon. For now, I want to emphasize that writing is great and such an important part of my life and I always encourage others to write, too. To release thoughts, ideas and whatnot you might come to a conclusion you never thought of. For me, with my blog, it gives me the chance to be honest and I don’t care about being judged. Basically, I just get creative and redirect my focus to something that brings me back into the moment and takes me out of my head and basically into my body. Jogging, bookstore-book browsing, writing, whatever works. 

Healthy Eating. 

I have recently been diagnosed with a severe gastritis and gallstones and I was shocked. I will write a separate post about it all, but in a nutshell: It was one of the most painful experiences in my life. I wonder why this happened because I consider myself a pretty healthy person and my eating habits are also good, I reckon. I am (almost-damn you pho!) vegetarian, smoothy-ing my way into the day and eating a salad at night so what is going on? NO clue! It just happened. We are all vulnerable – even though if we live pretty healthy. Note to self: I have to keep this in mind. 

Movement. 

These days, I love to run in the park. I don’t like going to the gym. Gym is not my thing. But being in nature helps me to de-stess my mind and  body and I am able to relax. It helps me to bring me out of my past or my future and makes me focus on the present. It also helps to release endorphins or any tensions – especially from sitting in the “lieberry” for several hours. I am able to unwind my mind this way. Maybe you can, too. 

Deep Breathing/Sleeping. 

Especially, since my son was born, deep breathing has helped me to calm down. Done properly it is magic and helped me to relax, rest and even promotes mental clarity. The great things is that I can do it everywhere. We breath all day long anyway, right?! I lived in this concrete jungle, New York City, for over ten years so I know what I am talking about when I mention stress. This constant rush of a bustling city can be somewhat overwhelming and I needed time to relax. It is fun and exciting but also scary and way too busy for me. Things can get pretty heavy for city dwellers ,eh?! Sleep is also important. I try to get 7-8 hours of sleep every night. [Sometimes it might happen that I don’t sleep enough due to artistic intercourse or course work but then it is always worth it in the end anyway] 

Getting out of Bed in the Morning . 

I know, I know. This Friday class I am taking starts at 8.35 am! WTH! How did I ever sing up for this? Keep in mind, that I also have to take care of Petit Joel. He needs his breakfast and routine, so Mama has to get up on time. I set my alarm clock at 6.30 am and wake up thinking first that I am happy to be awake. Seriously! We should never take this for granted. This already makes me feel good every single day. I do some Yoga and stretching because I literally put my Yoga mat next to my bed to fall onto it. Then I take a shower, start my day with a green Smoothie, wake my son up, make him breakfast and off we go. This little routine makes me feel good every morning and it really helps. I don’t want to rush and be stressed out in the morning already. 

Every single day ins Unique. Cherish every Day. 

I love to observe my surroundings, especially people. I write things down that move or inspire me. Carry a notebook or journal. I write special things down that happen throughout the day, silly or funny thoughts. I enjoy things that make me laugh, cry, happy, sad; things that catch my eye and I will take a picture of it because this way the image will be unique and won’t disappear on me. Observing things with fresh eyes while giving off the energy I want to attract. A smile goes a long way and I reckon small acts of kindness will make all the difference. The more I give, the more I get. I also make sure I do enjoy all this time I spend in the library. I make it work for me. I can do this with everything else, too. Write poetry while taking the bus – write something beautiful for someone you love. [bus poetry I love but I don’t like explications and Words & Meanings] 

Laugh. 

Isn’t laughter the best medicine? I always make sure I spend time with those who make me happy and make me laugh because those can always cheer me up whenever I am down. They help put my life back into perspective. It is not that bad after all. 

Also, it is so important for me to have a quiet day here and there and lounge at home while having a lazy evening and watch Paw Patrol with my three year-old son. I can get some rest too while he enjoys this show and I am close to him at the same time. I will make some soul food for him and I and stay positive even though this paper won’t write itself. I embrace it all, anyway. And smile.

“Everything will be okay in the end. If it is not okay, it is not the end”. – John Lennon. 

 “Never, never, never give up” – Winston Churchill. 

Things happen. They happen to us when we least expect it. Whenever I am feeling overwhelmed, overworked or scattered, I turn to my blog which is my little shelter of stories and freedom. My stories ground me and all these aches, tranches and pains I have crawled out of recently are life lessons and will provide nice little roots of who I am. And maybe these stories may seem like meaningless little bits and pieces of my past self but I have earned every single second of it which gives me power in the long run. Whenever life gets chaotic and stressful,  jotting down a couple of thoughts makes me feel better while observing what the outcome might be. 

I experienced the worst pain ever in my stomach last Wednesday while I sat patiently through my evening class at University. It did not start out too badly but increased slowly to the point where I felt overwhelmed. I suffered through it until class was over. I went to hospital the next day to find out what this is all about because I could not take it anymore. With me – my three year-old son. While we waited patiently (going up and down the escalator several [felt a million] time) for my blood results I thought anything could happen at this point. I consider myself pretty healthy, so this felt pain I experienced was totally new to me. “Anything could have caused it really”, I thought. So finally, the test was back and the doctor told me I cannot leave the hospital. They need to do an ultrasound because the blood tests results were significantly higher than normal. 

First thing on my mind: What will happen to Petit Joel? What if I have to stay in hospital? What if I need surgery of any kind? These thoughts made me sick to my stomach [no pun intended]. I worried even though I did not know what will happen next but this is just me.  Many thoughts crossed my mind. I am at the beginning of my Master studies, I am working somewhat on my thesis [don’t ask me about it though] and Petit Joel and I are enjoying life in Ottawa. We just moved here. Why did this have to happen now? Things changed rather quickly at this point. Waiting for this test result was painful and scary. They eventually did the ultrasound. This was seven! hours of waiting at the emergency room with Petit Joel. I am so glad that at this point, I did not have to go through it alone anymore. Someone helped me out and I am deeply grateful. Seriously forever grateful. 

Long story short: I am okay now. I take medication for a severe gastritis and gall stones that wandered through my intestines and I am thankfully on the road of recovery. It was a nightmare. I can take a lot of pain but this sort of physical suffering took the best out of me. I was knocked out cold for days and university work besides other thing were piling up and today was the first day I could actually focus again and get things done. 

Hospital 101: What I learned from staying/waiting at an Emergency room with a three year-old for 9 hours:

1. Don’t mess with the nurses or receptionist. Be nice. Wait. They are doing their job. If you are mean, you wait longer. Stay polite even though they might be rude. 

2. Try to stay calm. It is difficult, especially with a child. Unconsciously and luckily I packed my iPAD for him to watch things and (strangely) even took a couple of snacks. Staying calm for him is key. We went down to the cafeteria and at supper at Tim Hortons and he was okay. [Actually, he stayed beside me for the entire ordeal. He was good because he knew I am sick. He did not even cry or fuss. When I was in a fever/coma on the couch he did not leave my side for one second. Be aware: he is three years-old]

3. Be patient. A bed will be assigned to you but things will move slowly. You wait for this bed. You wait for blood and whatnot samples and of course their results. You wait until a doctor sees you and tells you what is going on. You wait for ultrasound, radiology or MRI. You wait and wait and you wait. Fact is: Things will get out of control. I broke down. I cried and wept. I walked around more but I managed [with help] to stay in control and did not allow this to stress me out. I just skipped peeing and waited. You never now when this buzzing things blinks. [Am I waiting for fries here?]

4. The best seat. The best seat is no doubt next to an electrical outlet if you took a phone charger, which I, of course, did not. From now on, no matter what, a phone charger is in my purse. The phone became my connection to real life. A life where I don’t hear people cry, puke, machines beep or see nurses and doctors run by. I tried to meditate but it was not working with my son climbing up on my shoulders while I tried to hold my intestines together in one place. 

5. Friendships are formed in the hospital waiting room. In this room, everybody is in the same boat and everybody waits to hear their name being called and randomly thinks to just take another one just to get out of this hell. Everybody in this waiting room has one thing in common: They are in pain or accompanying someone who is. You become friends fast. You listen to each others jokes event though they are sometimes not that appropriate [“We waited for hours after my wife had a miscarriage the last time. Holy shit, they let us wait even though she had the miscarriage already at home!] You don’t exchange names really or you would not ask them to come over for Christmas or Thanksgiving  but you will feel close to them for whatever reason for the time being.

Whenever the doctor appears and calls out your name, you will drop your new nameless “friend” like a hot potato and turn your attention to doctor Ryder. You might even feel a little special because YOUR doctor came out before your new friend’s doctor did. And before you leave you will tell your friend “good luck to you” or “I hope things are okay”. At this point however you don’t really mean it because you just want to get the hell out of there. No matter what. [Lesson learned: Do not share too many details about yourself, your disease or your traumatic experience – either in real life or in this hospital but also be aware that sharing a tiny bit of yourself keeps this mutual emergency room experience of some sort of comforting short-lived relationship. Always keep in mind: You will meet more “stranger-friends” the longer you have to wait. By the time I left I even knew the cleaning guy Hank, his story, his family and the Time Horton’s grill guy Steve who also worked at the salad bar because he is actually a vegetarian. 

Friends are the most important things through tough times. If it is Steve, Hank, Ryder (green turned red) or the Security guard who told me I cannot ride the escalator with my son anymore because people feel disturbed by his laughter. I asked the Security guard if he likes his job and the midnight shift and he just looked at me weirdly, tired and kept on walking miserably trying to get a cigarette out of the pack and find a lighter in his pocket. “The hospital is a different place at night, ” he said, while he walked through the revolving door. 

“My sorrow, when she’s here with me, thinks these dark days of autumn rain are beautiful as days can be; she loves the bare, the withered tree; she walks the sodden pasture lane” – Robert Frost

There were a couple of really nice, sunny, warm days this week and then suddenly the rain came. And it remained. Today is just one of those days without sunlight, when the sky seems to be just grey and flat and all my eyes can see is grey. This rain persists for two days now and eases from time to time and then intensifies. It just never really stops. How I used to spend days like these? With a good book curled up on the couch. Optional: tea, coffee or chocolate and some John Coltrane playing in the background. Needless to say, this is not possible with a toddler at home. Before, it was just me, myself and I with my books. However, I make it work for quite some time to get him interested and read as well. I think, rainy days are great for stories, a myriad of stories. So talking is essential. Autumn for me means rain and those damp and chilly mornings and cold afternoons that drag themselves slowly and quietly into the evening and night. Those days are just so specific for October and November. [For some reason, the last sentence made me think of a warm caramel latte or when my siblings and I came home from school on a cold autumn day and my mom had made chicken soup]

When Petit Joel and I came back home this evening I was just overwhelmed by a lot of things that went on throughout the day and realized that I never fully noticed the sound of rain.  Thinking about the words I am choosing these days, ‘noticed’ is probably the wrong word. Of course I have noticed it, but I have never really listened. I never really understood it, I reckon. Rain makes me fall asleep better at night and it is so comfortable being curled up under the blanket and listening when the first raindrops start to fall down and how the sound changes. It somewhat calms my anxiety at times. I think I realized and paid more attention to it all today and how peaceful rain sounds while being in this solitude that comes with today’s night and when my son finally fell asleep. Rain is so beautiful and calming. 

This is the sound of nature, autumn and maybe just of something so much more than us. What does this rain bring? The certainty or promise that there will be cold, chilly months ahead but with this also so many great indoor activities and changes. Hours of talks or time spend in cafés, bookstore, museum and of course cosy nights curled up on the couch reading and going through my book collection. Or reading next to each other. Ha! 

I love to go for walks, especially in the rain. Rain cannot stop me because while walking I get most of my creative ideas to write. There is no one dimensionality here and I know I need to get in touch with my abstract, thoughtful side of myself more often than I actually think. Whenever I am surrounded by nature or when I am sitting at a bench staring at a lake it is this much needed meditation that I am experiencing and practicing. Do you know this nice feeling of calm and contentment? To me, it feels like just being in touch with everything. With myself mostly and with the world around me. Is this all we really need? Just a moment of clarity and peace? 

I am not a ‘spiritual’ person but sometimes it is not so bad to get in touch with this side either. To stay grounded throughout it all and to simply “easier” deal with whatever curveball life throws at you. Sometimes it is just a moment to think and reflect and this is all it takes. To think about what currently is and not what might be or what will be is salient. It took me some time to get to this point in my life, but I am there now and it feels awesome. Are you still with me? Good! You think it sounds way to melodramatic or even pseudo-artsy in a way? Maybe it is, but I am a writer, I need to jot these things down. And maybe someone feels inspired. I also might be sick and tired of this rain if this lasts for another week or so but until then, I will make the best out of it. As my father always says, “there is no bad weather, just wrong clothing” and he says it smiling while putting on his rain jacket and hat and heads out the door. 

I stepped away from my computer for a bit and opened the window. It is still raining pretty hard and a breeze of chilly air hits my face. I close the window again and go back to my office keeping in mind that the sun will shine again eventually. It always does.