.SOMETIMES RAW.

What and how are you all doing? At this point, honestly, I NEED ALL KINDERGARTENS AND SCHOOLS TO BE OPEN! “Isn’t it nice to have your son with you throughout this Corona-madness? I am alone in my apartment. It feels weird”, my childless friend said the other day. Initial silence and deep breathing on my end. Then we spoke about kids.

I had a feeling before I had a child that I would not become the kind of mom who is passionate about discovering weekend activities for her toddler, who knows who makes the best BPA-free flatware, how to make the best gluten-free, lactose-free-vegan muffins just because other moms think this is great, and I just realized that I have felt guilty as fuck for a while. These muffins taste like eating sawdust anyway. I’m not that mom. But typing this is showing me that I’ve equated being that other kind of mom but loving him deeply. I love my son. In my eyes, he is the best kid on this planet. What I can offer him is different from what helicopter moms offer their children but this is fine with me, too.

So, my son and I had this argument the other day. Quarantine and hanging out 24/7 is getting to everyone eventually; even to a happy 6-year-old who loves to play by himself. He yelled at me that he does not like me anymore because I did not want to continue building his Lego Hidden Side University after doing so for two consecutive hours. I love Lego. It is fun. Actually, I got this Lego-university partially for myself because it is so awesome and I can secretly play with it when he is in bed. We talked about it. We spoke about how he felt and he was better after. He understood that mom needs some quiet time, too once in a while. He apologized and said he did not mean to say what he said and that he will always love me. Be still my heart.

Part of unconditional love necessitates a level of maturity, and that maturity is governed by an understanding that even if he thinks he does not like me, he is stuck. With me! Forever! And what a gift it is to be stuck with me who loves him so unconditionally that even when he cries and screams, I get down on my knees, pull my arms out wide and leave them open until he is ready for an embrace. This thought let my inner-victim slowly but surely melt away. I chose to have a child almost seven years ago, which makes me responsible so I will make the best out of it. I am here and will support him no matter what.

In the last three Corona-weeks, I got a deeper understanding of my son. His sad sides, his sweet sides, his concerned sides. All sides. Even more than before. The more I accommodate exactly what he wants, the less likely he is to learn that necessity to either figure out how to get what he wants all on his own or to make do with what he has got and manipulate it to his advantage. #donotnegotiatwithterrorists

I want him to understand that I will always give him love, curiosity, and confidence. That I will guide him intellectually and emotionally. That I want him to simply be and feel stable. Content. Even in this crazy time and beyond.

I am familiar with change and its way of aligning itself with seminal life moments and I can completely empathize with his range of emotions. I know him so well that I can read him like a book.

For all of us, life ticks on. These days, I have a tendency to gaze at the seemingly greener grass on the other side of the fence. I am trying to fumble my way through this respective situation, while just doing the best I can. There is a natural ebb and flow. Sometimes I am close, sometimes I am not-so-close, and sometimes I may be downright distant. But it will pass. And kids will be in schools again. Time will move on.

And my son will grow older. He will understand things better. We may drift apart – who knows, and then just as easily, drift back together. But, through all of this, we are part of the same sphere, part of a greater whole, and always there for the other, albeit with a little navigation. I know at some point I will find myself standing on the shore, waving and wishing my son a safe passage. And trusting to always find that bridge that will connect us.

Hey You,

It is your birthday, and I don’t know where to start. There are so many things I’d like to say on your special day that I literally could not fit into this article. So let me start by saying the most obvious thing: You are very special to me.

Since the moment you walked into my life, we got along just perfectly. You were like the perfect piece to my puzzle. Not that anything was missing, but you became a part of me and you made me better than I was without you. I know you’re probably laughing right now thinking this is super corny. Sure, me too.

One thing that amazes me is your unconditional form of giving. Anytime I need something, you never hesitate to offer and even more. If I happen to have a bad day, you listen to my problems and you reassure me that it will pass. And when I need your shoulder to cry on, you never hesitate to snap me back into reality and tell me to stay strong. You give me so much strength and you have taught me to make this my lifestyle.

You light up my day. You are thoughtful, compassionate, and your vibes are happiness. You are simply the best and more.

Not only are you the best ear, the best supporter, but you are also my perfect fit for the most important reason: You understand and don’t judge me. Or those times we have just sat somewhere without even talking to each other. It’s the best because we also know our deepest fears, our greatest hopes.

I am so glad you walked into my life. You have made me a stronger woman, a better me. I don’t know how I got so lucky that we crossed paths. I guess it was just destiny that decided the perfect moment. If I had never met you, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am so thankful for your life. Especially on a day like today. I celebrate your life and wish you so many more years to walk this crazy world and hopefully sprinkle a little bit of happiness into my life. Thank you for being you. You are my person. Happy birthday to you! You’ve changed my life and you inspire me every day.

Love,

Me

I don’t know why you’re waking up in the middle of the night. I don’t know if you’re unintentionally insensitive and therefore more likely to accidentally offend someone. I don’t know if, by clinical definition, you are in fact paranoid, but I do know that you’re afraid. You might be wondering why I brought you here but I invite you to absorb what I have to say. Ask deeper questions. Once you get to an answer the paralysis starts to melt away. You will know when your body releases and relaxes. The room you’re in gets brighter, your body feels lighter and, if you’re lucky, you remember what it’s like to be alive. Focused on what will go right, not just what could go wrong. The hardest thing you’ll have to do from here is to nurture this. In the middle and the end, it’s all we’ve got.

Do some people get life wrong? Some look miserable even though a situation is perfect. They are miserable and angry about nothing in particular. Remember, time is precious. You should “corona-know” this by now. We are our harshest critics. But it does not have to be this way. So much of the power we give away to doubt, fear and shame stems from our vanity. We crave for individuality in this sea of humanity and have this instinctual urge to glorify our struggles. We try to convince ourselves that once we have overcome this immediate obstacle in front of us our life will get infinitely better. Guess what? It won’t.

Life and certain tough situations make us more resilient so we can squarely face a harder problem than the one before it. This endless struggle wears us down and we keep feeding the lie of the finish line, a place where there is no adversity. Our constant pursuit, and failure, to arrive here allows this echo chamber of our soul to become polluted with discontent. And this disillusionment marks the beginning of a lifelong “war” some wage with themselves. A war with no end and no purpose other than to reduce our self-worth. Things could be a lot easier.

Goethe said, “Happiness is in overcoming unhappiness. The worst nightmare is a long, long row of sunny days.” But we cannot accept this worldview because it exposes us to the unknown . A journey with no destination. Imagine shining a light at the seat of your soul after a lifetime of darkness only to discover an all-consuming sterile emptiness. There is no broken compass. There is no blind guide. There are no demons. There is only the self and the consequences of the choices you made. “But what if….,” you may ask.

What if the ones we love leave us and take our home and peace, and give us darkness? If we live fighting a war inside of us every day. We are miserable. If we are miserable in a relationship but we stay because of X, Y, and Z which are no real reasons we are afraid of what the future holds. What if the ones who do stay drink from our well of sorrows hoping to fix us but instead drown in our brokenness? Because all we really want is to be free of this one person. And we live blaming ourselves for not being enough for them, too. We can never be enough but just be enough for yourself. What if it just some fake kindness and then they stab us in the back? And we live trying to save us from ourselves and them. What if we cry and there is nobody to hear our suffering? And we live hoping we will be proven wrong but the silence is deafening. What if how we get better is how we are with ourselves when we are alone? And we live becoming a version of us someone special in our life would have been proud of. Like our grandma. Or mother. And then after all of this living, we die believing we mattered for a brief moment in time to someone long enough to be remembered. But did we live? Did we enjoy life to the fullest? Did we love someone unconditionally? Do we even know what love really is and means?

Or think about this: Can someone else’s tragedy open your eyes? A friend of mine got diagnosed with breast cancer and said the other day that, after months of chemotherapy and surgery, doctors have not found new cancer cells in her body. She wants to hug the entire world. Her story moved me. Going through something insane like cancer at this time must be tough and doesn’t this make your own little problems such as being stuck inside for a couple of days/weeks seem like no big deal?

Yesterday I looked out the window and saw a man leading a woman (husband and wife I think) through the deserted street I live in. They were both blind with these vision-impaired badges around their arms. And as my heart began to feel pity for them I saw something remarkable. Both of them had the most splendid smiles on their faces. As he took her hand and carefully navigated their way around he probably said something that made her beam. A joke perhaps to lighten things up. Unfortunately, I was not able to hear it but it must have been beautiful. And I am glad I stood at my window long enough to see this moment unfold. This is love. Simple. Unadorned. Wholesome. Untiring. And guess what? When there is love in your heart, there is nothing to see nor miss. There are no misinterpretations. Only beauty and comfort to enjoy every single day in each other’s company. Love is what I need and get these days.