.SOMETIMES RAW.

I mentioned this in previous posts but I have to say it again. This year has been one of the most challenging ones for me for sure. A lot of things changed. My environment and a lot of feel-good moments and habits just went out of the window. Add a ton of unnecessary stress, and the picture is perfect. After a while, this began to take a toll on my wellbeing. I reckon, there is only so much a person can take while keep moving forward. A little while ago, I made a couple of promises to myself that this insanity cannot bring me down and nobody can make my world fall apart or my empire crumble. I am strong. I promised myself that I will meditate every day, eat healthy and fresh food 95% of the time, to move my body and sweat, and to rest and sleep enough. This changed my life and eventually turned into a daily ritual. I would like to share how these little promises have kept me accountable and how I have been able to stay consistent over the last couple of months.

First, it is important to be realistic. It is easy to come up with goals in our head that we constantly repeat to ourselves. Some goals are often very big and rather discouraging from taking even the first step. I will graduate from The Institute of Holistic Nutrition soon and healthy living is obviously important to me. I also know that recommending clients to switch their diet and cut out everything they love to eat won’t work. Baby steps. For example, if you want to change your diet, cut out all refined sugars for a start. This is more than enough for most people.

I started meditating for 5 minutes initially. An hour might be unrealistic as a starting goal. Set goals that are easy to accomplish or alter them slightly to fit your needs. Listen to your body. Rest and say no when your body tells you.

Make time and prioritize. My little personal wellness rituals do not take away from my social time either. If I have dinner plans with friends for the evening but I haven’t eaten anything healthy all day, I may either go with them anyway and eat better the next day or I invite them over and we cook something healthy together. Or I will have herbal tea instead of coffee. Or an apple instead of a glass of wine (Yeah, right. There is no way those two cannot co-exist. It is the only way to make it sustainable!)

What it all boils down to is mindset and to be realistic. And the truth is, that accomplishing big goals just simply does not happen overnight. Usually, there is pretty hard work involved. I used to think all or nothing which usually stopped me from starting in the first place or made me quit shortly after. Things have gotten better as soon as I changed my mindset and recognized that everything counts towards the bigger picture. These days, one of my goals is to save money and rather invest in experiences than materialistic things. My friend is really good at saving money and I learned that finance is the best way to realize how every little thing counts. He saved that $1 the tooth fairy brought while I bought bubble gum. Oh, my son is about to lose his first tooth. Sigh! Playground talk: The tooth fairy rate is $5 or a small toy. When did that happen?

The other day I sent my friend a message: “What do you want to eat tonight?” “I am really not fussy. Do you want me to pick something up?” Me: “If you don’t mind. I will see if they have pretzels. Shrimp? The usual?” His response: “Can you clarify a bit?” – followed by a bunch of question marks.

I have to mention that my friend is very articulate (one of his nicest assets) and uses words that I have to look up sometimes. He would probably send me a message of some sort of straightforward communiqué, saying “I will bring two (2) ripe avocados. Looking forward to seeing you soon” – followed by a cute emoji. It is a simple message and this behavior from him is not exceptional or weird ever; it is standard. He is disciplined, organized, and his messages represent his dedication to details and are a channel for him to get to the point without a lot of fluff. I like that. A lot. It is his art of planning, the art of eating together, and even the art of making plans to eat. Sometimes, there are different lenses through which to view my friend’s messages and emails. One might suggest he is a gem of a man: so well-spoken, communicative, handsome, helpful and so clearly looking forward to the visit, the supper, the appetizers! Others may suggest he should be investigated further. But who cares what people say. I listen to my gut and  the man knows how to cook.

When we cook together, I see food as art. Cooking is my meditation and I reflect my own creation by making beautiful yummy things. Some use food as praise since it can be glory to all the senses. Especially when he makes this amazing spicy, garlicky shrimp sauce. Sometimes food is used as a ritual, to glue people and families together (family supper at 6 pm), food to mourn, food to f*** (add some cinnamon) or food to fuel this amazing wonder called the human body. The other side is that this love for food can also get twisted up with pain that we accumulate(d). Some obsess over food; they use it to distract themselves, to patch certain holes in their soul or as a pacifier. Food: we can eat to feel full in our bodies when the work to feel full in our lives seems unattainable or even intangible.

On a side note and just in case you don’t already know: I am studying holistic nutrition for almost 8 months now and having been into food and healthy eating for many years, I feel the need to tell the world that the food industry makes fake food. The food industry color “food” with bright red (*replace red with any color) powdered chemicals, put it in plastic, bleach the bread white, and call it “natural apple flavor”. Food gets thrown in dumpsters when people are hungry or starving. There are wars because of food. “They” poison the water, poison the people, to keep those Granny Smith apples extra shiny, no brown spots, no holes. Burn crops and privatize what naturally grows. We also use food to wage war on our own bodies and when our bodies get sad and full of toxins, we keep eating more toxic shit to silence the sadness. Take an Antacid and put a blanket on the sadness. Go to sleep sadness, sleep….. shhhhh.

I was not always a healthy eater or paid too much attention what the food I ate was made of. But I felt bad after eating certain food and the more I learned about eating healthier, I knew things have to change. There was a time, right after I gave birth, where I would have called myself fluffy. Some people may have thought “fat” would have been the more appropriate term. I gained a lot of weight but I would have considered myself still as healthy fluffy. I had this relationship with food in which I felt I am still the boss ( most of the time at least). When I gave birth to my son, I knew this weight has to go because I did not feel well overall. One positive asset I have is that I am very disciplined. I can pretty much make everything work. So I lost the weight. Through proper nutrition.

How am I doing this? I am using tactics to distract or channel my energy so I can stay committed to, for example, delayed gratification. Or I simply focus on my health and listen to my body. My body usually tells me what is good to eat and what is not. Yeah, we are pretty tight.

So, guess what?  My friend showed up with only one (1) unripe avocado. We did not make guacamole, which was on my mind as soon as I read two (2) ripe avocados, but he made the best salad ever. The avocado is still sitting around on the counter unused but who cares. The way he chopped those veggies and sautéed the shrimp in garlic and onion,  I am convinced he enjoys food twice as much as I am. I celebrate him for that and I am grateful he is in my life. I invited him in. He is here – in my life and in my head. He is crazy, as am I. We love food.  We want to eat. And then talk about how good it tasted. And then look forward to the next time we can enjoy it together. We are always choosing.

When I was seventeen, I joined the Federal German Police; this one in all its seriousness seemed more finite than continuing school or bartending for pocket-money and tips. After I graduated from Police Academy and patrolled the streets of Munich for a couple of years, the days felt meaningless and unending sort of like I signed my life away for this job I was not happy at. A friend told me with exasperation and compassion that, “This is not your whole life. This is just a season in your life. In a couple of years, we will say ‘Remember that weird time you worked for the German Police and you were not happy?'”

My friend was right. It was a season. Just a brief, informative season – just a blink of an eye, that ended up having much more significance than I could have predicted. It did not feel like a season at the time; it felt like the rest of my life. I think that is how most seasons feel while you are living (surviving?) them, and then your surroundings transform just as you are getting settled. The winter – to spring shift is slow but dramatic, bringing with it a change of heart and wardrobe. The fall to winter transition is quick, taking place the very minute Santa comes floating by for Christmas. The end of summer is slower. This time of year is precious to everyone. It belongs to the soft cotton part of your heart that never ages past ten years old. You can smell it – fresh pencil shavings have the same effect on me.

Fall is a grieving period. It just is. It is beautiful when the leaves change magically and they have their own dress code, but it is a season all about loss. Even if you are not sad about seeing summer go, fall is still heartbreaking, especially when the sky is grey, it rains and it starts getting colder. More rain sings through empty branches and leaves litter the ground like dusty garnets, waiting to be stuffed in sad brown garbage bags that sit patiently at the side of the curb.

When I was in my twenties, I heard that this is my time to explore. That this is my time to grow and experiment and push my limits. That if I stumble, it is a great sign and that it means I found my edge. My friend (I keep mentioning him lately on the blog because he has a pretty important place in my life for quite some time) said, “Well, you tried something and it did not work out, but now you know.” This insight has somewhat guided me. I have tried a bunch of jobs – jobs that I never thought I would be good at but I learned so much about myself, my interests, how much I am able to take and hidden abilities. Throughout this time, I have dated people I didn’t think would be good for me but some are still my friends and I talk to them occasionally. I have moved to cities I did not think fit my personality and, for the first time in my life found what feels like home in Ottawa, Canada. Yet, I still don’t have a job but I found a “new family” (I deeply wish my family in Germany would live closer or time-traveling would be a thing!!!!) who give me support, love and help me along my journey.

All too often, I was anxious to feel more settled, to have it figured out, to stop learning lessons or to just reap the benefits of those lessons learned. The most helpful way to get over this anxiety was to think about my life as a collection of seasons, rather than as individual steps. It’s tempting at this age to carry around a mental checklist of “Things an Adult Should Have at this Point” and a monthly report card with markings for each life stage. There were so many times I felt like I was sitting around waiting. So man times I was meandering around with a heavy heart, mourning the loss of a happier season without any idea what would come next, and when. I can see now that those were the seasons of loss, my own personal autumn. For now, I just will surrender to the bittersweet everyday life, getting back to my routine and so does my son. We have each other and deep, unconditional love.

Just a few more weeks and there will be yellow and red leaves everywhere. Then those leaves will fall and we are watching naked branches in harsh winds. Soon, there will be cookies made, our favorite TV shows start over, neatly adding regularity to our weeknight, and giving us something new to discuss. We will eat tacos on Friday and homemade pizza on Saturdays. We will all cuddle up on the couch in the living room with hot chocolate, wine, tea, books, and stories.

After that, we start looking forward to Halloween, then Christmas. What follows is a virtual coziness – a couple of lit candles, huddling indoors, fluffy socks and soft blankets. And before we know it, the crisp smell of snow fills the air reminding us that colder days are ahead for quite some more time before trees and flowers sprouting again. Then we say, “Spring has finally sprung” but does this tiny bud know about the power it possesses?