.SOMETIMES RAW.

I am supposed to study lecture One of my Anatomy and Physiology course for tomorrow but I got distracted by the huge amount of snow I saw looking through my window. And it keeps on snowing. Winter in Canada is no joke. This is my second almost fully experienced winter here in Ottawa; almost because I spent three weeks last year of December/January in Germany. It is not even the snow, ice and insane cold (- 38 Celsius for now) that is distracting. It is more the duration or length of it all. Winter literally starts here by the end of October. It gets cold and uncomfortable first and then the snow comes. And it lasts until March/beginning of April but there was still some snow early in May.  This snow never melts. It stays and more gets added. If it melts in May, everything is flooded and then it snows again shortly after or freezes over.

I love sunshine and warmth. Sun makes me happy and I can almost literally feel how my Vitamin D tank gets filled up while laying in the sun. For some reason, the same pattern appears every year. I am at the playground with my son by the end of September and we are playing. The sun is shining, we are laying in the grass still, I look up and see some red and brown leaves. Suddenly something inside of me turns off and reminds me of who I am, where I am and that I live and exist. The leaves remind me who I am. Is this weird? Colder months are approaching and it is visible now. Yet, Australia is still an option. 😉

Now, for me, winter means staying inside or more being trapped inside and not being able to move around freely. I am not a winter-sport person. I like ice-skating but skiing or snowboarding: no thank you. The thought of being outside in the cold just does not make me happy. Don’t get me wrong,  I do have all the Canadian winter survival outfit. From Ski-mask to goggles to winter pants to put on thousands of layers and of course my Canada Goose Jacket my mom bought for me. It all still sucks and is cold after a while. I spent countless hours outside with other moms and their kids building forts, igloos, and slides but c’mon… all we really wanted to do was to go inside and warm up ( and drink wine or eat chocolate and smoke). But, according to the universe, things like this aren’t up for debate once you have a kid, eh.

Another thing that bothers me about winter is that I feel constantly thirsty and dry. My skin feels itchy and my hair feels frizz or dull. Everything takes forever and it feels like doing anything spontaneously needs a lot of planning. Just getting my kid ready in the morning: wow. To put on his snow-suit takes up ten minutes easily. Getting this kid ready: first major task in the morning.

A friend told me the other day that she loves winter because she feels that there is always a certain kind of safety in the cold. Something that makes you stay indoors and keep to yourself and distracts from this feeling that you need to party. I just looked at her blankly because what does “need to party” feel like? I need a little reminder since I forgot after I had my son. Going out always means to call a babysitter/desperate teen from the neighborhood in need of money. The little things.  But hey, it is so easy to raise a kid some say. Anybody can do it. This is all so much easier than to work in Somalia for example I reckon. It is the daily stuff of being a parent that catches up slowly. Of being a parent. Of being present. Of being off the phone.

Staying in brings comfort yet doing so in the summer incites guilt: one has to go outside and play. Especially here in Canada. Kind of: When the sun is out we are outside because winter is just around the corner. At this point I am just tired of layers of clothing and that the cold seems to separate me from everything. But one good thing about this winter is that I was able to work on my thesis and was somewhat more productive since I  could not do anything else really but work on this project and type along. My thesis analyzed genuine suicide notes and I read a lot of research that suggested that suicide rates increased in the winter months here in Canada since people are generally more depressed; especially up North of Canda where the winter is even worse. The seasonal changes here in Canada are another topic really. There are several emotions that I dealt with last winter. To name a few, there were sadness, laziness, malaise and even loneliness. I do not think that this will be the case or an issue this year since I have support that I have not had before. The help of Intellilink and one special person who gets me Premium Gold if I really want to install it even with red lights blinking and water pouring through the sprinklers and that students do not get grades.

There was a tiny sunset earlier today when the sky just opened up quickly for five minutes or six and it meant my happiness faucet just kept pouring joy realizing how amazing spring and summer will be.

The other day it hit me. I cleaned and went through a bunch of Petit Joel’s things and realized, there is no baby in the house anymore. No high chair, no baby toys, no stroller and no more diapers. I had to buy him new clothes again (he is a four-year-old toddler clothing size 5/6!).  It is just weird and so fast how this all happens even though I only have one child that hits all these milestones so quickly. So, a couple of weeks ago my son told me he would love to have a bunk bed. “A bed where I can climb up a couple of stairs and hide underneath a little tent like my friend Jacob has,” he said. So we did the transition to a twin size loft bed. Something like this. 

I knew he needs a new bed since he had outgrown his crib. To make other moms hate me I have to add that he never tried to climb out of his crib when he was a baby. He stayed in there until I picked him up. I eventually removed the front part so he was able to get in and out by himself to get to the bathroom but this just did not feel right anymore. Whenever he stretched out he touched the end of the bed.

This kid is literally growing in his sleep, I reckon. So, it was time for the transition from crib to bed. I wanted to wait a little longer to get him a new bed and did a lot of research on which one would be the best. I had a bunch of options and ideas and showed them to him since he has obviously a voice in this process. 

Long story short:  He fell in love with the IKEA loft/bunk thing so I bought his dream bed while he played at Småland; I only had 45 minutes to get everything done because this is how long the kids were able to stay in that convenient daycare! There were cases in Germany where parents literally dropped their kids off in the morning but never set one foot into IKEA to buy a LETSFICK mattress, a plant or new bed. They simply used the free daycare. Initially funny, but now they have all these damn strict rules. 

I loaded this bed into my car and drove home rather uncomfortably. It took me four hours to build this thing; in hindsight, it was okay and fun. The instructions are pretty clear but when a four-year-old is running around trying to “help” it is just not easy. He doesn’t understand what it all means and that he cannot climb the stairs if there are no screws adjusted yet. Overall, the bed transition went really well; no incidents, only one accident (the kid is clean for several months now and I am so proud of him; and myself, ha!) I do not want a trophy or anything but I really think I did a great job raising him so far. 

On a different note, the question my father asked was, “How many screws do you have left?” Well, seven but the bed is stable. I spent a rather sleepless night in it; his small body cuddled up next to mine. I have to say that he is the sweetest ever in these difficult past days and weeks since he feels me; we are almost one person. We spent the last four years together, pretty much non-stop. It is so weird because sometimes I think he knows what I need or try to say. The other day he cuddled up next to me on the couch and said, “Everything is going to be okay, mommy!”

And of course, it will be. He is such a good kid who gave me a huge amount of strength when I thought I cannot go on. I did not want to eat but I had to cook because he needs to eat. I did not want to get up but he needed to go to school. I did not want to continue the thesis and thought about throwing it all away but I knew it is the right thing to do for him and me. He showed me that I need to avoid suffering and let go to just play with him and once again I climbed out of this dark hole of self-pity and moved on. The things we are capable of are amazing but only I can realize that potential. The result will be growth and one of the biggest obstacles I have to overcome is myself. A very good friend of mine would say now, “Think about the kids in any slum in South Africa to realize what a problem really is”. The challenges will get tougher but it will all be manageable in the long-run. 

What keeps me going these days is that my son shows me what love is and even though I do not want to use the word unconditional anymore, I feel that he in his little world loves me unconditionally. Change is not scary anymore and I enjoy the present since I don’t get the moments back realizing that all the things I asked to receive for so long I can give to myself; especially love. It is inside where I determine if I am happy and decide what to focus on. 

All I have to do now is to play with trains and build new tracks and slowly ride along on them. 

“To attain knowledge, add things every day. To attain wisdom, remove things every day.” – Lao Tzu

I did it again. I quit another secure job with great benefits, great opportunities and great everything else. It was not easy and there were many thoughts involved that kept me up all night. I went to university to study and finish a Masters degree with no sense of a destination but doubled down on an anxiety attack shuffled with a somewhat mental playlist of worries on repeat all. “I do not want to burn down this bridge. This job gives me security and safety (no pun intended) and a good pension. I should go back to New York “, I said to myself over and over even though I know deep inside that I am not certain if I will even receive my pension in the end when I am like 65. I am German: security, safety and worrying about everything is very important to us. Quitting my job? A nightmare for many or just a dream? Quitting a job is not the end. One door closes and many others open. 

What makes me really happy? Is it a job like this? Is it “big money”? Is it working in a cubicle from 9-5? The answer is no. After I resigned I felt I lost what had rooted me for so long even though I was on “Leave without pay”. What gave me security and to break down this bridge was definitely not easy for me. Initially, I felt small, alone and unsteady, un/and insecure in a way. But, I also realized that I am on a path to something new. Something better maybe and if it even just a clean slate to a fresh start in a new country. So I have done this major step of resigning and now it feels normal. It feels somewhat good and I am content with my decision. I am starting to adapt to something new while continuing to appreciate the simple things.

My living habits have changed even more. I live simpler which makes me happier. I also cleaned my house and sold a ton of stuff that was useless to me and just sat around collecting dust.  For now, I am not defined by my former job anymore and I recently discover a somehow dormant resilience I thought I forgot completely.  Simplicity overall. 

So what actually happened when I quit my job and followed my dream? 

I realized what is really important. It is not money. It is not security because anything can happen anytime. But love for myself first is salient. Next is love for my family and to find fulfillment in what I am doing on a daily basis. It is all so surreal but I see the bigger picture already since I know what I really want to do, what this dream of mine is and I just have to simply move forward to achieve it. I asked myself what would really make me happy. I left my job to make my own. I want to be a full-time writer and my book manuscript is edited and ready to go. I would also love to own a small bookstore with a café selling used books and some homemade pastries and good coffee. Does this all sound too surreal? I don’t think so! Until I open my bookstore I know I will have to find another job which I am applying for and I have some great opportunities coming up. I am not daydreaming, waiting for something to magically happen and relying on ze husband to support me forever. I am grateful, however, that I am able to follow my dream because he supported me so far. Studying overseas as an international student is not cheap so I thank him for that. 

These days I find myself sitting at a café in the morning or in the library working on my projects that I truly love until the afternoon when I have to pick up my son. My schedule is pretty flexible and I love it. That would have been not possible before. Now I have this amount of freedom that feels great but is also terrifying and exciting. Am I eventually going to make enough money to cover our living costs and maintain the standard we have? Making money by solely writing is tough. Since I started this blog, I removed all the advertisement that I initially installed because I don’t want to distract the reader which also means zero dollars for me. This does not matter for now because I created this lifestyle with less stuff and spending by kicking consumerism habits which conveniently added more space and time in my life. Throughout my time away from a “real job” and a lot of thinking I realized that I cannot chase happiness by acquiring stuff. 

I did not rush this decision to resign but thought this step through for many weeks and months and in the end, I have to say that it brings me one step closer to my vision of what I really want to do and our long-term goals as a family which is first to live intentionally. One small decision after the other to change something and aligning them with my daily actions works pretty well so far.