.SOMETIMES RAW.

I have had a bunch of relationships in my life and what I have learned is that truth and honesty are the only rules I want from my partner. But, whatever the relationship looked like: platonic, work-related, romantic, sexual, they all made me reconsider and think about my rules however. For me it is so much easier to tell my partner exactly what I want, require, need or expect and be straightforward about it than talking around the subject or lie. Especially, whenever the relationship is complicated in the first place for example when it is a long-distance relationship, certain lies can make everything even messier. It is such a great feeling when partners can talk about anything freely without having tangled up stuff in the back of their mind. Thinking about how to tell my partner the truth without making him angry is not always possible but I aim for it at least. Life happens, love happens, situations and feelings change. We either adapt or we split up and everyone goes their separate ways discovering new things. There is nothing awkward about it. Again, this is life. 

One question that popped up several times in the last couple of days for me was how to be honest after having my feelings hurt. How does someone do it? Let’s say, you have a long-distance relationship (with someone who is in the military for example) which is very, very difficult in the first place and almost never works. Someone feels lonely, in addition they have trouble at home and useless fights and arguments and they meet someone else who they can talk to for hours while discovering each other, realizing after sharing wine, cheese, sausages and making secret plans for the future that this person might be the one. Better than the person waiting at home. They talk more. They become close friends and need to spend more time with each other to cope with certain horrible situations that they have to deal with on a daily basis. Here, I reckon, it is difficult to be honest to your significant other who is waiting at home. Telling the truth could mean that you might lose this partner. I don’t remember where I read it but it went something like this: honesty is an art, you first have to know yourself. 

“But my heart has awakened, trembles, calls. It does not ask for the future ahead; it asks only to be here with you now, in the shortened days, when green leaves turn red” 

Overall, honesty makes life simpler. If I don’t tell person A that X, Y and Z is okay but say that X, Y and Z sucks it might be hurtful in the beginning but it is at least honest. I am not dreading myself through an event with a fake smile looking at my watch waiting for it to end. I want to be honest when I endeavour to understand and listen to my own feelings. My problem sometimes is that I can feel hate and love at the same time. Same goes for anger or gratitude. Life is not simple. We are not simple but I can try to understand and learn the root for my weird emotions and outbursts sometimes. This leads to -> communicating these issues in a normal tone and voice with my partner. Telling the truth means risk, it means being scared, I already mentioned that, which makes me vulnerable but then again, it feels better later on and to be open for the person’s response that might even hurt. Just don’t be an asshole. This is a start. I think. 

The last two weeks were very difficult for me and I asked myself the question, “When does it all stop being so complicated”? Most of the day I felt like curling up somewhere to sleep. I was mentally and physically exhausted. It all started with one email about a big decision in life I will have to make pretty soon. This is on my mind constantly but life goes on with a fast pace. Work for school needs to be done and assignments are piling up. It never stops just there. More phone calls and emails came in and every time I heard that annoying ping-noise of incoming bad news on my computer, I cringed inside. I changed the sound but the emails kept coming. 

When I was about to figure things out, another email arrived to tell me that I have to pay a large amount of money soon (deadline highlighted in bold that seemed to yell at me “pay NOW”). I closed the computer and looked out the window. The river next to my house is so calm. The water just keeps running down the stream. It just goes and goes. I stared at the water for a while since this seems to calm me down when it started to rain; just about when it was time to pick up my son from school. “Of course it has to start raining now”, I reckoned while I searched for my umbrella. By this time, it did not rain, it poured like the world is coming to an end. (Insert annoying face emoji here) 

I dragged my tired body to the car and drove to school. No parking. The children waited patiently to be picked up when I spotted my son covered in mud and tears holding his teacher’s hand. I illegally parked at the bus stop to rush out quickly to get him. By this time, more rain. His teacher told me that my son had a very bad day, cried a lot, had a fight with a six year-old girl and hit her. I nodded my head blankly while I thought about my illegal parking spot. We ran through the rain and back to the car when an officer gave me a ticket and screamed at me that there is “no way you can ever EVER park here again”! Did I scream at my son for misbehaving at school? Nope. 

These days I am worrying a lot more than actually to live and enjoy myself. This grey cloud keeps floating above my head though. The quicker I try to run away, the faster it follows me. There is no escape it seems. 

Then I stopped to hustle, slowed down and gave my current situation some serious thought. What good does it do me to be stressed out like this? The only thing I will suffer from is a major headache, burnout and this feeling that I cannot function properly. What really matters to me is myself and my son at this point. What is best for me and what is best for him. First, tackle one issue at the time. What has the most priority and then take it from there. Sleep and rest!  Also, I started to put my energy into things that really matters which is to find solutions for certain things instead of whining about them and being stressed out and depressed. 

I also spent time outlining all my projects I want to complete with realistic expectations in mind. I tend to do a lot more than I can possibly accomplish in a short time and I end up frustrated, unhappy and disappointed in myself. By now, my anxiety is under control and I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am less stressed about the work and major decisions that are ahead of me. By saying no to one thing I am saying yes to something else. By saying no to this one path in my life I am saying yes to myself and a new path that is very exciting indeed. Me, myself and I will create something pretty amazing. When one door closes, another one opens. 

And I am back to what I love the most: writing and maintaining this blog. 

One afternoon ze husband came home with a fancy “this-thing-literally-can-do-anything-even-bake-me-a-cake” scale. Apparently it can be controlled through his phone, watch and whatnot and monitors the exact calorie intake vs what he burns throughout the day (It can feed you too, I reckon). Do I need a scale like this? Hell no! I am definitely not the person who steps on a scale first thing in the morning and let this thing rule my day or mood. When ze husband went on the mission to Somalia, that scale went down in the garage (nope, I did not throw it out – yet!) to just prove a point. He is gone and so is this scale. Since we are moving soon, I found this high-tech thing again waiting patiently in the corner, collecting dust but silently invited me to step on it. “Step on me, I know you care, ” the things seemed to whisper. 

I am not attached to the scale anymore since I figured out how to measure and monitor my weight differently. I have this one pair of jeans that fits nicely when I am let’s say around 67 kg. As soon as my weight goes over this number, I know I have to take it easy on the chocolate cakes. 

These numbers on the scale hold little significance to me and I won’t get emotional. I think I am in control of my body (am I really?) but tracking calories on a daily basis, no thank you. Life is too short. There was a time in my teenage years when weight mattered to me. I was never obsesses but indeed stepped on my parents’ scale for weight management 101 every single morning and was in a good mood when the weight was “okay” and in a bad mood all day long when it wasn’t. Eventually, I stopped since I did not want to mentally chain me to measurements and numbers. It exhausted me to the point that I was close to an eating disorder. 

Frankly, it is basically common sense how to lose weight; not so common for some people so here is food for thought: 1) I have to eat less; 2) eat healthy and 3) exercise. Done! Well, or get surgery. I can read a ton of magazines about losing weight, exercising and getting all the gadgets (food diary and whatnot) the industry tells me to. But basically, all that is necessary is a pair of good sneakers and a park. No expensive gym membership either. It is all about finally “doing” it and moving around. I figured out that fast paced walking is way better for my joints than jogging. 

Food-wise: All these zero-fat products don’t work. Either I eat my veggies and then put on my sneakers and move around or I don’t. In case of the latter, the weight will most likely stay the same. Also, crazy dieting turns some people into insolent, crabby ass*****.  On the other hand, people who lost a lot of weight and are now “experts on nutrition and health” and preach what they “know” are pretty annoying as well. Why I did not become a nutritionist? Honestly, one day someone tells you chia seeds or coconut oil are the best thing to eat and the next day, this food is very bad for you. Every human being is different and for example raw food is not ideal for everyone. Paleo diet and whatnot, same thing. 

“It is so very important to eat a big healthy breakfast that is full of ONLY healthy fats, whole grains and chia seeds. Also make sure you skip snacking by taking your own food to work. AND THEN use the stairs instead of the elevator all the time. Also, eat eggs. But not the yellow part. ONLY the egg white.  Since I AM doing all this I am feeling sooooo much better, ” a friend told me not too long ago. I don’t actually want to hear this when I think about to rub “Häagen-Dasz chocolate chip cookie dough” all over myself. Also, whenever I bring lunch to work, it looks sad and not like the amazing dinner I had the lunch before. 

One more thing about sports and working out: I tried it all. From gym membership, (im)personal trainer who just hit on me, Zumba, QiGong, Karate, Handball, Volleyball, Basketball (I don’t like these kind of team-games). Working out for me means being by myself, with music (optional) in the woods or in the park. My mom told me about AROHA which is huge in Germany for whatever reason and that she is totally into it. I looked at her and asked, “What are they doing? What is this? I thought AROHA is a part of Hawaii”. She looked at me puzzled and I shrugged it off. 

I know that working out can be a total bummer. When I was a police officer I trained for a full marathon and finished it. Never again. Jogging and running was no fun anymore. It simply became a chore I needed to do and I ended up hating it. I am definitely not a gym-person either. Running on the treadmill for 30 minutes  staring at sweating people or posers is not much fun. Or trying to figure the elliptical machine or stair master out while looking like a complete uncoordinated moron, also not my thing. Plus, the smell at the gym. Yuk!  Hold on. What was I even talking about? 

The scale. I do care about my weight. I want to be healthy and I know that if I gain too much weight my joints will hurt and I feel uncomfortable. Whatever I do to keep my weight at a healthy level, I won’t waste an obnoxious amount of valuable energy. I don’t care what other people say about me. Comments, blablabla and whatnot. This society we are living in is so full of BS most of the time anyway and obsessed by measuring the value of a person through and by looks and appearance only. Just in case people forgot: There is more to a person than looks and weight. To be healthy and arrive at a good weight for my body I learned to listen to my body! Really listen.