.SOMETIMES RAW.

I woke up this morning, earlier than usual for a Sunday, and looked out of the window. I felt like crawling right back into bed. A draining mix of grey, cold and rain was what I saw first. On my bedside table: Bakhtin’s Speech Genre and other late essays. “What a great start,” I mumbled. I put on some comfortable clothes, dragged myself to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and realized that more sleep would have definitely been good for me. The last couple of weeks and days just sucked a lot of energy out of me.  Today, I definitely look older than I feel. While I searched for some lotions and potions I heard that Petit Joel is up reading loud in his room. 

He greeted me by asking, “How old are you again, Mommy? I am almost four years-old but you are ooooooold, right?” Exactly what I needed to hear. “I am almost 36, so maybe I am a little bit old”, I told him while I rolled my eyes. I gave him his clothes to change and realized that he needs new ones. Did this kid outgrow most of his things over night? He eats way more than usual, sleeps longer and tells me here and there that his knees hurt but c’mooooon. 

I went downstairs to prepare breakfast for us but the thought of getting older followed me quietly like a shadow. While I made coffee I thought that I wouldn’t call it wrinkles since they only appear when I am laughing and ONLY on the side of my eyes. Laugh-lines are a good thing and I usually don’t have frown lines unless I have to get really angry. I also found ONE grey hair so far. Sometimes my knees hurt but this is usually only after sitting in the library for hours. I chase my son up the slide and down and all over the playground without a problem but when other kids call me Ma’am, I sort of cringe. I am up to date with all the apps, gadgets on the iPad, phone and I know what’s hot on the kid’s channel. What I however will never understand is Snapchat. I just don’t. 

My son comes downstairs, fully dressed with just minor adjustments necessary. Okay, I had to change him completely since he decided to put on his Halloween costume that he found in his closet. I realized that not too long ago, I had to dress him daily, nurse him, change his diapers, do everything from scratch. He grew up so quickly and looking at him I realize that I am indeed getting older but this is a good thing. I am learning and I am changing. Some things that used to keep me up at night so I can worry about them (German Angst again) have been replaced by others since the former are not significant anymore. Certain parenting-related or social issues are over and new ones arrived. I found out that I love to talk to my 80 year-old neighbors who sit by the window and observe the birch tree, flowers, birds and have so much knowledge and experience and they do remember the past so vividly. 

Isn’t it amazing how life goes in chapters? In one chapter I am a heartbroken girl who had been left by her boyfriend who cheated. In the next chapter I joined police academy; then I am a traveller and explorer; then a college student, a wife, a mother, a grad student and a thirtysomething woman writing all this. Things always change. Sometimes hard, difficult times feel rather endless but I always keep a very good friend and her tattoo in mind that says,”this too shall pass”. Who knows what will be written in the next chapter? 

Thanks to HarperCollinsCanada and the publisher for providing me with a free copy in exchange for an honest review. I have read “Shutter Island” by the author which attracted me to Lehane’s latest book “Since We Fell”. This does not affect my opinion of the content or the book in my review.

Rachel Child did not have an easy childhood and grew up in a rather dysfunctional family. Her father left when she was a baby and her mother who is manipulative with a somewhat mean personality never revealed his identity to Rachel. Later on in Rachel’s life, she worked as a journalist, got married but things did not get better for her. She suffered from panic attacks and her husband left her after she experienced a major mental breakdown while covering the Haiti earthquake. She struggled with trauma and PTSD which just caused her to lose her job as a journalist. Rachel Child now lives as a “virtual” shut-in. 

Against all odds, she meets the love of her life, Brian who eventually becomes her second husband. Everything seems to get better in her life. She lives the “ideal life with an ideal husband” until she realizes that he lied to her since they first met about his life, what he does and who he is. She knows that she needs to work on and with herself first to overcome all this drama and trauma in her life and find strength; however, she focuses with an obsession on Brian, conspiracy, violence, fear, and this secret life her husband lives. 

Lehane’s language throughout Since We Fell is great and well-written; however, what through me slightly off was the fact that the first 150+ pages seem just too much of irrelevant build-up. There is a lot of “boring” (overly analyzed) heart-breaking, troubled suffering woman, romance, psychology, search for missing father, tension as well as description of Rachel’s bad/sad childhood and struggles later on in her life. [I usually give a book 50 pages to get me interested in the plot; however, Lehane’s language kept me going for some reason and I finished the 400 pages!].

I reckon, there is this duality throughout Since We Fell. In the first half of the book Rachel is looking for her father she never knew and in the second half she is doing the same thing with her second husband Brian. The ending of the book was rather abrupt and here Lehane could have used a little more elaboration indeed. 

Overall: If you read some of his other novels and enjoyed those, this book will most likely be for you. If you are willing to struggle through the first 150+ pages to get to the point, this book is also for you. Happy reading! 

The release date is May 9th, 2017. 

“We buy things that we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people who we don’t like.”

I haven’t been at a Mall in a while and I must say that I did not miss it at all. The other day, this insanity of consumerism and shopping hit me hard when I had to walk through a Mall to get to the Museum. All these different smells, stores, clothes and beauty parlors that are designed to catch the buyers interest and sell, sell, sell. For myself, less is more and shopping is not my hobby anymore for years now. What I splurged on was books. I was not able to leave a bookstore without at least buying one (let’s be honest here: rather 3-4!!!) book(s).The emphasis is on the word “was”. I am on a I-don’t-buy-books-for TWO-months-strike and so far it is amazing. With this in mind, I cleaned out my bookshelf with this rather shocking result that I haven’t read a myriad of books. I simply bought more and piled them all up for whatever reason. In hindsight, it makes no sense really, since this addiction to add new books to the bookshelf will never stop. Too many books, not enough time and books and new books are published daily. There are just too many books out there that are recommended on a daily basis through the media; it feels and seems so natural to just add more and more. This depiction sums up my bookshelf pretty well:

I also unsubscribed from many book review and new book release pages online since it became really insane. What next? I will simply read the books I haven’t read yet (approximately 25 or so!) which should keep me occupied for way longer than two months. Proposal, Thesis work and university readings add up as well. Honestly, who do I want to impress with my bookshelf? Nobody. I love books, yes, but just piling up to admire this bookshelf and not reading the ever-growing pile of new ones does not work for me anymore. 

Why do people buy more and more? Whatever this may be (clothing, make-up, books etc.)? Usually, to satisfy unfulfilled desires I believe. What are mine? Desire of knowledge? Many years ago, I used to buy expensive clothing because I wanted to belong which makes as much sense as watching the Bachelor or trying to figure out sense and meaning in a communication two people have in any Talkshow. Media tells me daily that we need to get this and that to be happy. You need to read this book of X,Y and Z and you need the overpriced lipstick by Chanel, you need a Sixpack so join this gym and you definitely need this fast car to be someone. Are we happy? I know I was happy initially when I bought the book but as soon as I came home, I piled it silently to my “to-read” stack. The item loses meaning pretty quickly. Every time. 

I won’t avoid bookstores and I will still buy things; however, I pay more attention to what I buy. Do I really need this book and is it worth the purchase? Will I actually read it? I also stop contemplating if there is anything better out there. Unrest and dissatisfaction and this urge to look for new things does not work for me anymore either. So I change to find focus in more important things that make me happy;  like calmness, silence (Quality time doing nothing) and love for the simple things (playing in the park with my son) with a somewhat freedom of social constraints and pressure.