.SOMETIMES RAW.

SEAN: Happy Monday, everyone. This is me, your boss, pretending that the beginning of your fifty-hour work week is a good thing. It isn’t. I will now ask about everyone’s weekend and say, “Hope no one did anything I wouldn’t do.” This won’t make sense, as I’m the most boring person here. Also, we have to discuss budget cuts. This is really important. Now, I’m going to throw things over to our office manager, Kevin.

KEVIN: Let’s kick things off with this week’s calendar. As you can see, we’re up to our eyeballs with work, but I will ask everyone to stretch their bandwidth and reach goals so unachievable that they’ll strain each of our marriages.

STEPHANIE: I am in HR. I smile too much and have a strange energy about me. When someone brought up the last party with management and laughs and rolls the eyes about what I did I just say, “Once you see me, you never really forget me.”

MARK: HELLO. I’M THE GUY IN EVERY MEETING WHO HAS NO CONTROL OVER HIS VOICE OR WHAT I SAY BUT I WANT TO SOUND IMPORTANT. YOU CAN SEE ALL OF MY TEETH WHEN I TALK. WHEN I LAUGH, I SLAM MY HANDS ON THE DESK LIKE A GAVEL. IT’S LIKE I’M THE JUDGE OF GIGGLES.

HOLLY: Hey, I am the new office intern. A single conversation with me will make you feel as old as Christ himself. I am a reminder that my generation is on the brink of replacing you. When you mention a skill that took you years to master, I’ll mention that it took me a week. You’ll look at me and see an hourglass. And with each drop of sand, you draw closer to total and complete irrelevance.

ADAM: I am in data and research. I have a Windows laptop and will always find a moment to explain why these computers are superior. I am here to present a slideshow so dull that it legally counts as melatonin.

CHASE: I am the marketing manager, and I only speak—and make love—in business jargon. Per my last email, let’s revisit those deliverables and double-check that we have all our ducks in a row before going to market. Speaking of the market, I wonder if we can get a top-down view of Holly’s new blouse. I’m also sexually inappropriate. Shouldn’t we discuss budget cuts? I love your skirt, Holly.

DENISE: Sorry to cut in, but I’m from PR, and I wanted to say that beginning next week, each of you will be forced to complete sexual harassment surveys. Each one will be ninety minutes long and difficult to navigate. There will be so many buttons that do absolutely nothing. Don’t even bother trying to minimize the screen or mute the video. Those buttons have been reprogrammed to fire you. Also, there will be eight hours of mandatory in-person training for everyone coming up next week.

GRANT: I am from IT. For some reason, I am allowed to dress far more casually than everyone else here. I’ll begin by stressing the importance of updating various apps and the consequences of not doing so. Failure to complete these updates will make my job incredibly difficult. I am not exaggerating when I say I will be up for days fixing these issues. My wife will consider terminating our marriage because I won’t be able to see my family—

KENDALL: My position in the company is nebulous. This intimidates everyone. Despite it only pertaining to one person in this room, I’m going to stay on a specific topic for twenty minutes. Our inside jokes will soar right over everyone’s heads. By the end, you will wonder why this person and I didn’t have an entirely separate meeting. To make matters worse, they are calling in via video call.

MICHAEL (over video call): Hello! Hello? As you can see, I’m (dog barks in background) working from home today. Now, let me be the first to say budget cuts aren’t fun and the last management party—

(Static.)

MARK: HELLO? MICHAEL? CAN YOU HEAR US? I AM SHOUTING TO THE HEAVENS. SEE ALL MY TEETH?

(Screen goes black.)

SEAN: Well, looks like we lost him. I will worsen the mood by saying this is exactly why we should be back in the office five days a week. People will not look me in the eye after this meeting.

BRIAN: I am the office jokester. Here comes something unfunny. People will laugh out of courtesy. This will encourage me and extend my reign as the most insufferable person here.

SEAN: Good one, Brian. Now, if we can circle back to what I said at the top, we can get things moving along… The budget cuts we still need to discuss. What? It’s been forty-five minutes already? Well, it looks like we’re staying longer, folks.

It felt good to be back in New York City for a visit. Even though it was mostly workrelated there was still enough time to explore and catch up with a plethora of bookstores, museums, and shows. Of course, many bookstores were on my list and I purchased a bunch of books as well. Too many, but still ok since they all fit in one suitcase. One of my beloved authors, Helene Hanff, lived in New York so I want to write about it first. Helene’s description of NYC made me long to go and explore this city again.

When I think of literary New York I think of Helene Hanff. The diminutive author of the literary classic 84, Charing Cross Road is the definitive New Yorker, despite being born in Pennsylvania. Helene became the voice of America, and more importantly New York, to all of England when she published her correspondence between herself and Frank Doel, the British book seller, in 84, Charing Cross Road. The book changed her life. Helene was finally able to visit England and do the type of long dead literary stalking I dream to do in New York. She also saw her life transferred to radio, television, film, and stage (realizing her lifelong dream of being a playwright). And as a side note, also a bit ironic for someone who didn’t like the limelight and even hated having her picture taken.

In her seminal book there was a connection forged between a store in England and a home in New York, a home which she mentions is “a real apartment with real furniture” which she moved into “AFTER September 1 [1956], 305 East 72nd St., New York, N.Y.” She bought into this little apartment before it was even built, sadly she couldn’t very well afford this Upper East Side location today. Charing Cross House, named after her book, is located at East 72nd Street and 2nd Avenue, there’s a plaque and everything! Why does this apartment hold such fascination for me? Because my favorite book of Helene’s is actually a collection of five minute radio pieces she did for the BBC’s Women’s Hour Broadcast called Letters from New York. In it we get a glimpse of Helene’s day to day life. How she walked around the block every night with the apartment’s dogs. How the building wasn’t just part of a neighborhood, it was a community, a city entire onto itself within one of the greatest cities in the world. 

And the closeness of Central Park was just an added bonus. If you continue from Helene’s apartment on 72nd street westward five blocks later you will enter the park at the 72nd street entrance. Here is the little conservatory where people sail their model boats, made famous by such books as Stuart Little. Here you can see the statue of Hans Christian Anderson reading, usually being climbed on by children, or literary geeks (like me) who have always been susceptible to climbing on public art (or touching it). If you infer that that is me I shall not correct you. And just to the north of the water feature is one of my favorite places in central park, the statue of Alice in Wonderland. The fact that I love and enjoy a place that also resonated with Helene brings me more joy then you can imagine. 

If you were to continue going north on East Drive, past Alice, you will hit the 79th Street Transverse. Back in 2005 when I went to New York several times the 79th Street Transverse was my path from the West Side to the MET. I wish I had taken a little more time examining the surroundings then just using it as a conduit. At the foot of the Belvedere Castle there is a little garden. If I had but done more then just glimpse at the wooden fencing I might have learned that this is Shakespeare’s Garden. Helene adored this garden because it contains every flower mentioned in the works of Shakespeare.

In Letter from New York Helene mentions how her heart broke when the garden fell into disrepair. But New Yorkers love Central Park, as it’s basically their communal backyard, so some industrious New Yorkers took to restoring it. Though the restorers weren’t able to get all the plants because many were only available in England. This is where Helene’s listeners came in. They heard the broadcast and inundated the little rescue project with seeds and flowers to restore the garden to it’s previous glory.  Since then the little garden has remained in good repair, with new walkways and even bronze plaques with quotes from the Bard littering the pathways. So as you luxuriate in the beauty, take a moment to remember Helene, a true original who contributed more to literature and New York then most know. 

Below are some pictures from my trip if you would like to see.

Strand Bookstore. The one and only. Where books are loved.

St. Pauls Cathedral

Tired but happy in the middle of the concrete jungle.

Tesla.

MOMA and Jackson Pollock. My favorite Museum – especially the 4th and 5th floor.

Barnes and Noble at Union Square. Bliss.

Tudor Gotham City and the UN in the background.

Grand Central Station.

Bryant Park and Empire State Building.

Chryler Building.

Chrylser Building and I.

Spooky Tudor City Park – Find the Huge Rats. Nasty.

I have not always been into gardening and plants. But there’s nothing quite as satisfying as gardening. Whether growing vegetables or adding color to your backyard, all you need to cultivate healthy plants is sun and water.

Except not that much sun. You don’t want to broil your plants. And lighten up on the water. You’re growing a garden, not a swamp.

Start with an easy plant. Zinnias. Geranium. Basil. They’re impossible to kill. Unless you introduce the wrong amount of water and sun.

Geraniums like full sun. Hostas thrive in partial shade. And arugula needs to be in full sun except when it prefers shade, which is usually Mondays or any day you decide to spend not at home and neglect your garden.

Green beans, peppers, and tomatoes can be planted in pots. To maintain the perfect ecosystem for each, devote your days to rearranging their pots to optimize sun exposure like they’re teenagers trying to achieve the perfect tan without burning. Don’t forget to remind them every twenty-five minutes to drink water, even if they roll their eyes at you.

Water your plants first thing in the morning when it’s cool, unless they prefer to be watered during the hottest part of the day.

If a plant isn’t thriving, consider adding less water. You should only water your plants once or twice a week. Or three times a day, depending on how much water your plant decides it needs. Don’t let the water touch the plant, only the dirt. If water touches a leaf, the entire ecosystem will crumble.

Never use sink water on your plants. Only use filtered water or bottled water endorsed by a celebrity.

If you go on vacation during the summer, don’t. Your plants need to be watered at the same time on the same days while you wear the same outfit. If this ritual isn’t followed, they’ll revolt by losing all their flower buds on the day you host your in-laws for a barbecue. But again, with the perfect amount of water and sun, you’ll have a garden that’s worth skipping the trip to the Italian coast.

If it rains, water your plants as normal. Just reduce your water amount by a third for the first watering of the week and by seven-ninths if you’re watering on the third Thursday of a month that starts with J.

How can you tell if you’re overwatering your plants? You’ll notice the leaves are browning. A few stems may wilt. One day, you’ll walk outside, and your plant will be splayed dead in the dirt with no warning at all.

You should continue to water dead plants for a week so you feel less guilty throwing them out.

Once you have the watering down, add in fertilizer. You’ll also need cages to nurture your cherry tomatoes. All of this will require 763 trips to your local gardening center. But with just a little effort, a 430 euro investment, and hours neglecting all other responsibilities while you coax plants, you can add a few sprigs of slightly browned homegrown basil to any summer salad.

In the winter, you can take a break. All you need to do is plan your garden for next year, clean, sharpen, and replenish your tools, rebuild raised beds, weed, overhaul your drip system, and start seedlings by providing them with the exact amount of sun and water.

Then, all you’ll need to do come summer is add sun and water.

Except not that much sun. And definitely less water.