.SOMETIMES RAW.

“When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.” – Paulo Coelo.

“Mommy, can we make cookies for my friends in class at school,” my son asked.

Something that can get in the way of me finding rest or having time for the things I really want to do is not knowing how to say no. I personally find it especially difficult to say no when my reason to decline is simply that I want some time for rest or space in my schedule. To me, it doesn’t feel justified to decline someone else (especially my son) because I want time to myself, or want to do nothing, or even tinker with a creative project. It is easier to say no to myself than other people. While being quick to say yes can maybe help me avoid disappointing others, it comes at a cost. Because many times I don’t say no, I wind up feeling resentful, overwhelmed, exhausted, and even jealous of others who can say no with ease.

So, as someone who has felt these consequences of not saying no when I really wanted to, I was drawn to a concept writer and critic Kylie Maslen who introduced me to called “spoon theory”. Spoon theory is a way to create boundaries but also be generous with other people’s energy. As Kylie explained:

“The idea is that everyone has a certain number of spoons in their drawer and as you go throughout the day you will use up those spoons in completing activities… so you learn how to pace yourself and use your energy best in order to make the most of those spoons available.” The community will speak with that shortcut of spoons, adds Kylie. “Often we will say things like, ‘Hey, I don’t have the spoons to go into this right now but I will get back to you when I do.’ Or even when we are asking someone something we will say, ‘When you have the spoons….’ and in saying something like that, it says we understand that we are not going to push someone into acting deciding really quickly.”

What really struck me about spoon theory is that it is not only a helpful way to check in on my own capacity and provide a frame for saying no, but it also encourages generous requests. So before I share a few things I have come across that might help you with saying no, I think generously asking is an important point to consider. How am I asking things of other people? Could it be more generous or flexible? Could I consider their current circumstances? Could there be alternatives? Can I make space for a polite decline? Perhaps by providing the option for others to say no, I can normalize saying no, and maybe unwind from the busyness hamster wheel. Life is continuous learning so here are some approaches I have found helpful to frame saying no.

I listen to my guts. If it feels weird, I say no. A friend sent me a message the other day saying, ” Never beg someone to be in your life. If you text, call, visit and still get ignored, walk away. It is called self-respect”. He is right on.

I practice starting small. I generally find it a lot harder to say no to someone I am close to, so I am practicing with acquaintances or emails from strangers.

I do not say maybe when I want to say no. Sometimes a maybe is a legitimate maybe and that’s fine, but to spot a no masquerading as a maybe I ask myself if I would say yes if it was tomorrow? I also ask myself if I feel I need to say no out of guilt or fear. For the all or nothing types like me, it can be easier to identify what it is that is contributing to that feeling of overwhelm or resentment and create a rule: I am not adding anything new to my to-do list until next year.

Wait. I have a tendency to rush into a yes to people-please, so I am learning to take some time to sit with a request to determine if it is a yes or a no. Saying no is a delicate and ongoing practice, but one I think can help me hear my own yes…. even if that’s just to have space to yes to my afternoon nap or evening read.

This year, I say no to seeing my parents for Christmas. It will be the first Christmas I spend just with my son. I feel sad but there is nothing I can do about it. We simply cannot travel in peace or at all and there are so many rules and regulations to figure out that keep changing on a daily basis. So, we will make the best of it by saying yes to certain things. Saying yes to staying home, meeting friends in Vienna, spending quality time together, and buying a three-meter tall Christmas tree because I have the four-meter ceilings to accommodate this kind of madness. We will decorate it and hope Santa or the Austrian Christkind will bring many presents. I will make the best of this mess and just say yes to some things I usually would not do. I hope you will too because who knows what tomorrow will hold.

So, I made those cookies even though I was tired and wanted to be on the couch with tea and a book. You should have seen the sparkling in his eyes when he proudly took those cookies to school though. Choices.

Stay happy. Stay sane. Stay healthy.

So, here we are again. Lockdown Part 2 in Vienna, Austria. As of Tuesday, 17th December, our homes and what we surround ourselves with will be deeply intertwined with this experience again even though, this time, it feels different. I guess we are all used to it. Since I will have quite some time on my hands again, it is essential to invest it closely at my home, my comfortable place. How my home feels, and the space around me, makes an impact on my well-being for sure. And this is what we all need I guess. To get through this without going insane. How I stay sane and what I do during the lockdown?

Besides studying, playing, reading, and writing, I create a slow home by simplifying it. Ideally, I want an environment that is easy to manage, and comfortable. To achieve this in my apartment, I pay attention to the design, the belonging that are in my home, and the habits, routines, and rhythms of the people who live within my home. I have a seven-year-old son who is very creative and likes to play so I need calmness but I also allow life to happen.

But if our things are all over the place and a mess all the time, it makes day-to-day living harder (not even mentioning quarantine). Of course, the fewer belongings I have in the first place, the less “stuff” there is to sort through. Now is the perfect time to clean up so life feels a little lighter and easier to manage.

My Ultimate Lockdown Guide to Keep Sane

I work, play laugh, and love. It is second nature for my son to play, run around, and do crazy things. He instinctively knows how to throw himself into games and use his imagination. This time, I work again daily, even though not full-time which is a nice change, too. But with work-stress, it is easy to forget how to lose myself in play. To play with him allows me to lose myself, along with my sense of time. Go out to play. Just get home before 8 pm.

I clean my home. I don’t try to tackle the whole apartment at once. Chances are, I will feel overwhelmed and never actually begin. I sort by category, not by room. This way I will not repeat the task over and over. It is harder to decide what I can let go of when I haven’t actually collected all the items together.

I utilize storage. It is amazing what good storage can do for a room. Effective storage allows me to have less surface clutter. I make the most of the space I have, by using extra hooks or by storing things properly. I keep the contents of all storage and drawers tidy, too, so things are easy to find. Also, I don’t have a closet but a free hanger to see all the clothes I own. This way, I wear all of them.

I involve my child. I help my son from a young age and show him where things live in our home. By teaching him the importance of putting things away, he will be able to help me keep our home tidy. It also helps him appreciate his toys and belongings, which is an important step in establishing healthy boundaries when I go shopping with him.

I am physically active. I move to slow down my mind. Yoga, jogging, anything will do. Even though it is cold, we take our bicycles and go for a ride. We walk a lot or take our car to drive out of the city and explore and get lost in the woods.

Daydreaming and Boredom. It is important for me to just let my thoughts seamlessly float through a stream of consciousness. I need moments in my day when my mind is relaxed and disengaged from things. And sometimes it is great to just gaze out of the window, and watch the neighbors. With this bombardment of new Covid information, terrorist attacks, and other distractions that keep our brains occupied and engaged, it is important to see the positive things in life. Despite it all.

It will get better and we will all get through this.

Love. Be happy. Stay sane. Stay healthy.

You have to ask children and birds how cherries and strawberries taste. – Goethe

Last weekend, my son turned seven. Despite the Corona-madness, we were able to put together an awesome birthday party with fewer friends, and with my closest family. I have been writing a yearly letter for him since he was born, and one day when he is older, I would like him to read them. I like to tell him (and have a reminder) how he has changed over the previous year(s), what he likes, what music he enjoys listening to, what I love about him, and who he enjoys spending his time with. All these little things which, over the years, I am sure we will forget. I am already excited for the next chapter. He is growing up so quickly -some days I am ready for it, others I am not. I couldn’t help but ask myself how am I a mom to a seven-year-old? How is he even seven? It feels unreal that he is that old. I feel I am still in my 20s – smoking Gauloises, reading Camus, Sartre, Milan Kundera, and wearing all black. Wait, actually, not much has changed in that department. I added some layers of grey into my wardrobe though. And I make my own Chia pudding and take B-Vitamins.

Recently, and usually always just before his birthday, I think a lot about the physicality of motherhood. Before having my son I would have been the perfect Corona-fanatic (Covidiot?) who didn’t touch people that often (or at all) during the day. I mean, who does? Most of the day, at work, on the train, in the grocery store, at a movie, I spent without any physical contact. But these days, people avoid each other like the Plague.

When I had my son something changed. I instantly dove headfirst into a daily routine of touch. Cuddling, smooching, bathing, holding his tiny hand, breastfeeding, napping together, and changing diapers. I suddenly touched another person ALL the time and I got to know him so well. I can tell exactly what every part of Joel feels like. His cheeks, warm neck, teeny toes. I know how he breathes slowly when he is sleeping, and how his tongue is hanging out a tiny bit at the corner of his mouth whenever he is concentrating to build or draw something.

And now, (talking and typing in slow motion): But what about the partner I am in a relationship with?

The other day, I had an awesome conversation with a friend, who listened to a podcast by  Esther Perel, the author of Mating in Captivity, a book about sex (within marriage and) after having kids. Perel believes that there is a badge of honor among women to not prioritize yourself or your marriage: It is all about the children. Without realizing it, she said, women can end up getting their emotional intimacy and physical satisfaction from their children, instead of their partners, said Perel. They give their babies tons of wonderful affection and then don’t have anything left over for their spouse. The relationship can become a disaster over time.

After reading the book I learned that, even at the end of a long day, the child should get the full attention of the mother, but so should the partner. In other words, languorous hugs and playful kisses for everyone.

Obviously, kissing my son is one of life’s greatest joys, and to me, my son is still my baby and will be my buddy with his huge, genuine heart. I don’t think that feeling will ever change because he is happy, funny, he makes my heart swell, makes me laugh, and challenges me in every way possible. But, at the same time, I realize that parents need that physical affection from each other, too. Not only to be a better parent but a better person and partner.

.Stay happy. Stay sane.