Yesterday, my son and I spent the day “Corona-sunbathing” in a park. While he played at the playground, he found a letter, written in German. Kids find weird s***. I will give it my best translating skills and share it here because I think it…
I worked three days last week and it felt so good. This change was exactly what I needed. Things are loosening up here in Austria, however, everything still feels somewhat weird and deserted. While I walked to work, I thought that I never realized how…
Honestly, usually, I jump away from children the way most people jump back from a hot stove. I don’t dislike them. As a matter of fact, a lot of them are funny and smart and tuned in to all the cultural shit. Like my son. A lot of them are usually more than willing to very slowly explain things to me as I nod and take notes. The power that young people have is amazing because neither I nor anyone I have ever met has reached the mystical age at which you “stop caring about things”. Here is a tip: it does not exist. Most of us are barely concealing our desperation to understand exactly what the f*** these young people are talking about. Not because I want to participate, but just in case there’s some sort of entrance exam for cool adults.
Sometimes I feel terrified to be at home with my son. I have a lot of basic knowledge and have committed thousands of random facts to memory. I studied. I am working on my P.h.D. but did you know that an individual blood cell takes about sixty seconds to make a complete circuit of the body? Mr. Binocs on YouTube told him that. We have to make geodes out of some weird chemical solution and look at all his rocks through the magnifying glass. Then talk about it all for hours. G-sus he has so many questions, which is okay but c’mon.
The other day, we met a mom and her son (who was ten and read a history book) in the park. After our kids played he came over and asked me (out of nowhere) if I knew who the thirty-third president of the U.S. was. I thought he was playing that game where someone knows the answer to the question they are asking because it is right there int he book he just happened to be reading. So, I say, “No! Who?” as if I knew and was just playing along. And then we just sat there looking at each other until I realized he was waiting for me to come up with the answer and help him pass some sort of “we-are-chilling-in-the sun-exam”. Why are you asking me this? Wouldn’t you rather learn which household cleaners you aren’t supposed to touch or use? Or that it is pretty much impossible to uncork a wine bottle without a bottle opener? Here are some things I can teach a kid:
For now, I think it is all fine. I don’t want anyone to ever get the upper hand on me, even if its a miniature one that has not yet touched a steering wheel or a beer. I am not going to give him my credit card, but I also won’t give him any poisoned apples. So far, my parenting skills work out. He is fine, healthy, smart, strong, and cute. Maybe he won’t ever appreciate what I have done for him. He does not have to. I am his mother. It is my responsibility. Maybe, when he is older, he will take a page from my book and write about how I sold his voice to a sea witch. Who knows.
You can’t give people the shit you think they need, no matter how badly you want to if you don’t know how to give and receive!—it yourself. I’m learning this, I’ve been learning it but sometimes I forget. I don’t know how or why it happened that at some point really early on when I was learning what “love” is, I got this idea that it’s finite. Sacrificial. That it’s a fixed mass to which you can add, I guess, but mostly from which stuff is subtracted. The bravest among us seem to know that actually, it’s an infinite well.
I wrote all this because I cannot figure out how to get that plaster for his geode hard enough (eyeroll) and to spread it in the geode form. First I used not enough water, then too much. We made the crystals though. They were supposed to go into the geode mode. You wonder what I am talking about? Me too, but the crystals sparkled nicely in the sun while the plaster went into the garbage.
Oh, and it was Harry S. Truman. You are welcome.
For some, love in the time of Corona is pretty tough. Are you currently dating? I came up with a quiz to determine if you even are in a relationship. With all my experience (cough, cough, #eyeroll) I will help you out. Dating Quiz: Is…
My relationship with money was always pretty healthy. I know what I earn, I know what I can spend and I don’t live beyond my means. I did not have a job in 2019 and just started to work in January 2020. I survived with…
Hey lovely,
Just checking in. We spoke not too long ago. And here we meet again. I have been seeing you from the sidelines on all those long nights you filled with writing, ideas, and reading. The Corona-pandemic is getting to you. I feel it. But you are strong. Remember, I spoke with you whenever you needed it. I know you continue to give yourself whatever it is you are most in need of. Does remembering your fragility help you put things into perspective these days? I hope you hold true to your aspiration of loving deeply. What about your heart? Have you been able to rebuild your home? Nothing can erase the past but time gives you opportunities to make new happy memories over the old painful ones. It may not always make sense but this is how life works. It has taken you your entire life to get to know the real you or at least welcome her home unapologetically. To exclude, include, and see behind the curtain. I know you wouldn’t give up on others so please refuse to give up on yourself and trust this process.
But remember, to be compassionate with yourself too and recognize that not everyone who shakes your hand is a friend. But I am certain you know this. Love and friendship are two-way streets. You cannot go where you need to be with the ghosts of those who chose to harm or weighing you down. There is more love waiting for you. A lot more. This new bridge you are building seems very solid and different from everything else I have seen so far. You are wiser now and this lends strength and not weakness to this bridge. I hope you will continue to do more, invest more, don’t be scared. It will just raise the quality of your life and open up to new experiences. Yes, you can always learn to be better. To be stronger. To feel love.
Hey, life is unfair by design. The world is full of people who lie, cheat, steal, hurt, harm, exploit and even kill others while leading a good life. It should not be like this but it is. I know you wish those who did you wrong were wronged too so they could feel what you felt but life isn’t that obvious or just. There are some humans out there who think they have power, wealth or the ability to control and intervene and materially affect someone else’s life but this effort requires destructive intentionality. Let it be. You have already begun to realize that forgiveness has more to do with yourself than others. It brings you peace and freedom from attachment. All those dreams and hopes that you had pinned on someone else get laid to rest when you forgive them. This is how you must learn to sever yourself from those who do not deserve you. Let them go. Let them live their own life. And I see something better has entered your life because you gave it the opportunity. What did you say? He will understand your heart bit by bit. After all, a home is opened to a stranger but with a slight delay. I love this. I think this was what I needed to hear from you. And it applies as much to ourselves as it does to the strangers we welcome into our lives. You are still making this home. Remember that. It requires tremendous care.
It is joyful to see you learning and stretching yourself with the wisdom of so many people you have already met. They have all moved and challenged you to become kinder and more reflective. You know that words have the ability to outlive us and impact others beyond the conventional limits of space and time. So please do publish your next book. It will probably change your life.
As I see so far, 2020 is a milestone year for you. You will turn 39 this year. You take care of this little soul, your son, with so much love. I remember you had different plans but life rarely works exactly as we want it to but that doesn’t mean the past decade has been any less extraordinary. You have become fully aware of both your gifts and your flaws. Be grateful for the clarity they have brought you and it will serve you well your whole life. Take these lessons and keep pushing forward. You have so many new wonderful experiences to look forward to. During this pandemic, you should know that your attention and emotions are your only currency. Who you choose to spend them with are critically important daily choices so please make them responsibly. On your best days, you are unstoppable, open-minded, loving, wise and kind. Stay this way. Always. But also know that you have some avenues to improve and show up as your best self. Keep asking questions. Being true to yourself and at peace is an everyday choice you are making toward internal happiness. The alternative is to give in to disappointment, anger, and hate. This will only exhaust your limited time and energy. No need for this.
But some things are better the more they stay the same so please keep watching life happen all around you. Your ability to love, live with joy and watch it unravel joyfully is special. You have this gift which is amazing so make sure you use it enough. I cannot wait to see where this new road will lead us.
Breathe. You will be fine. I believe in you.
With love,
Yours.
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be…
Maybe, by now, you’ve already been bombarded by articles on how to optimize your days during the time of the Corona pandemic. Perhaps, by now, you’ve already been bombarded by the counter-arguments to ignore all the productivity garbage. Maybe, by now, you are wrestling with…
For the last four weeks, I usually cried on Sundays. At least once. No clue why; maybe because the grocery stores are closed. Last week, I cried so embarrassingly loud that my son heard me from the furthest room of the apartment. He ran over, assuming something catastrophic had occurred, but when he asked me if I was okay, I covered my face and choked out a sobbing laugh. Am I okay? A perfectly reasonable question. Lately, my answer depends on the day, but regardless of whether it is yes or no, there is a heaviness to my emotional state that remains persistent, strangely familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. Familiar because I have been feeling sad on and off in the last couple of weeks, so I know what it is like to see everything faintly slick with gloom for a while. Unfamiliar because it took me a while to realize that this is all really happening, whereas right now I am sharply conscious of the descent. The urge to cry had been hanging over me for days like a shadow. I saw it coming from a distance, the culmination of absorbing so much crushing news about how the virus is impacting the world every morning and egged on by the looming reality, that, yes, I will probably have to postpone anything planned. Am I okay? On the one hand, I am super happy and okay. My son and I are physically healthy, I am only spending time with people I love and am able to quarantine safely for the indefinite future. Things that I certainly don’t take for granted right now. On the other hand, my mental health has suffered. Is suffering. But, of course, I am not losing it, won’t give up or sign myself in at a mental institution.
What does giving up even mean? What am I giving up? Self-maintenance? Who is self-maintenance for if not, uh, the self? Me? I don’t feel like I am giving up. I am actually taking pretty good care of myself. I am working out daily. I am eating pretty healthy food (for the most part) that I am making for myself. I am washing my hands voraciously.
I listened to a podcast this week that rocked me to my core. It was a conversation between Brene Brown and Glennon Doyle, the author of Untamed, which is the name of a book that has caused me to question whether the real power of a woman is to live recklessly if actually, the most audacious desires among us are not reckless at all. While I listened to it, my attention faded in and out. I wondered where my son and I would be eating our meals hadn’t my mom suggested to buy a kitchen table. Carrying all the food in the living room every time? Eating around the coffee table on the floor? Then I zoomed back into the podcast at the call of such lines as, “Maybe imagination is where we go not to escape reality but to discover it.” Hey, this podcast is really good. You should listen to it because I am not doing their conversation the spiritual justice it deserves at this point. Because my son wants to play with Lego for another fifteen hours. While I played with him I thought about making a gigantic salad for lunch with arugula, salmon, avocado, pumpkin seeds and anything else I can find in my fridge. Yum! We will probably eat it for dinner, too. My thoughts are all over the place but I kinda like it.
Are you enjoying any element of the quarantine? Maybe if you live in a village, with a garden, in nature. But in the city? I am afraid to ask this. And you might actually never see it because there is a good chance I will delete it. It is a dangerous question because I am not really asking if you like quarantine, I am asking if you have discovered anything transformative. The kind of something you may never have seen, won’t want to forget or have never experienced before.
Currently, I think I am settled into an adjusted state of reality and am pretty impressed by the natural, human inclination to find patterns, attach meaning to them, and create new routines. My weekdays are falling into this new kind of rhythm. My weekends, too. Yesterday I had a thought that I might even like it more than the rhythms of routines past, then I realized that actually, I am just wearing blinders to get to the end of every day in spirits pleasant enough to sit down and write something like this. I haven’t forgotten the superior rhythms of the past and I can imagine the rhythms of the future. Is this what being present is like?
While I wiped away my tears last week I also realized that staying present with my son is great, but 24/7 for weeks and barely another child around to play with him is a challenge. Honestly, I can’t wait for him to go to bed so I can write, read, have time just for myself or spend an aperitivo hour with my friend. This is another new rhythm I have come to look forward to. Him being around. There is this awesome bottle of white wine that we will share. A wine with a rose-like floral aroma. We will enjoy it with crackers and dips in the kitchen. Setting all this up is soothing. So is washing dishes by hand and not using a dishwasher. I totally get it, there is something so reliable about knowing exactly what you are setting out to do and then through the function of your own effort, doing it. It is so simple. I think that makes it satisfying, too. The simple things.
Today, I did not cry. Today, I feel loved.
A couple of days ago, when we were on what felt like our hundredth walk of the day, I asked my son a question…. “What are your top 5 most favourite restaurant meals?” I find that asking a child a “Top 5” question will usually…
