.SOMETIMES RAW.

“And you who loiter around these graves think you know life.” – Edgar Lee Masters

There was this idea to start a Ph.D. at the University of Vienna. There was this idea to start working again at my former job. There was this idea to move back to Europe. There was this idea to turn things around and end 2019 in style to start fresh. So I did. I found an apartment and moved (with child) from Canada to Austria. If one door closes, I will open it again because I have the keys. After five months in this beautiful country and city, I can say that studies are going well, work is awesome and things are turning the way they should.

On my new apartment and living in Vienna.

I moved to the heart of the city and love it. I can scream my food order through the open window and the Sushi Restaurant will deliver it within five minutes. But, looking out the window at the neighbors across the street with whom I share a not-entirely-consenting proximity, I felt a twinge of claustrophobia. City life at its best. For a second I thought there is something wrong here and things need to change but then my son said, out of the blue, he wants to decorate the bookshelf. He knows how to make me happy.

On decorating an apartment with books and bookshelves.

My son and I are crazy about putting books everywhere. Mostly because, well, we have lots of them. I moved many times in my life and every time I had a ton of books that somehow found new homes with friends. My favorite ones traveled with me wherever I went. I picked up a lot (for free) while walking around in Vienna. I have a complete hardback volume set of Shakespeare that I found on the sidewalk on my way home from work. I was like, “Oh my God, this is free!” And we had bags of groceries with us and my son was like, “Are you serious? We have groceries,” and I was like, “We’re carrying them home!” And we did. So the books take on their own special meaning after a while. To me, they’re an important design element because they somewhat define who I am. When you see what I read, you kind of understand what I am all about.

On Vienna and nature.

Without going all the way back to Darwin, as a human being in touch with my animal side, I know I came from nature and need nature. I cannot compare Vienna and Midtown New York City where I also lived for many years. But amid the greyness of New York’s concrete jungle, I was able to find my current apartment near a park this time to quench my vital need for chlorophyll. Nature is not far away. Just a couple of subway stops and if I choose to, I can be really in touch with it and not only through the mint in my mojito.

I grew up in the countryside and I love(d) it. But, what about deciding to go to a party or a movie on the spur of the moment, art shows, my little neighborhood Sushi place, see La Boheme at the Wiener Staatsoper on a Friday night? I kinda love to have all these opportunities available in the blink of an eye.

Of course, a place with a clear view (minus half-naked neighbors) and sunlight filtering through some leaves would greatly impact the quality of my life. But, taking a look at a few listings of apartments outside of the city, I quickly hit a snag. For the same square footage I have, prices have gone through the roof. Getting a little closer to a tree trunk has the same effect on prices as having a room with a view in a five-star-hotel. The countryside is sometimes still tempting when imagining all those brunches I could have outside, the dog I could adopt, the walks in the forest, mushroom picking, and when I get back home after work I light a fire at my fireplace. I could plant flowers, start a vegetable garden, eat what I grow which would, of course, be all real organic produce. I could live that dream.

I would need to buy a car, wake up earlier but doesn’t the early bird catch the worm? I could leave my bike at the station and ride to work; nothing better than a little exercise. My complexion would be rosy, my legs firm, my biorhythm boosted and my red blood cell levels would match those of my son. Green with envy of my new life and body, my friends and colleagues would start searching for their own little Eden and join the countryside-movement. Maybe I will consider this one day.

On Vienna and Unwinding.

From the outside, my apartment building does not look special but upon entering it seems like traveling back to the early 1900s in Vienna. I am a tall person, just about to brush six feet, and the first thing that drew me to this apartment is that the ceilings are close to 4 meters tall. I love the generosity of the space. It is incredibly open and intimate at the same time. But to me, an apartment or house isn’t a home until I have friends come over. Many people I love do spend time here and give this apartment its soul.

The possibilities in Vienna are endless. One breathtaking museum next to the other. Readings, lectures, university life, (vintage) bookstores and so much more. I do love the countryside but I enjoy this feeling of “everything is available most of the time” in the city. But I need some plants. I also don’t accept defeat. With my eye on the prize and being so fortunate to live here, I head down to the florist and come bounding back up the stairs with four little potted plants to set on my windowsill: basil, thyme, mint, and parsley. I don’t have the greenest thumb but I have to start somewhere. And this is here. A new chapter. In Vienna.

“Slowly at first, then all at once”— these Hemingway lines are just one of many literary quotes that I have fallen victim to over-utilization to the point of tedium. But that’s only because it has yet to be associated with the undertaking of routinely eating lunch at 11.30 am or 12:00 p.m. from Monday through Friday. I’m hard-pressed to find a more accurate way to describe the evolution of my weekday meal habits over the past few weeks. What is now one of my most passionate crusade: consuming a salad and soup at the cafeteria with my colleagues and looking forward to having dinner with my son in the evening.

Guided my ambivalence toward the endeavor known as “breakfast” I found myself compelled to skip it accelerate straight for lunch (intermittent fasting) a few hours later. Intermittent fasting feels good to me and I love to do it. When I first sat down again under the glare of super early-morning light in my kitchen I contemplated joining my son having at least for a bowl of cereal because I knew that satiety will await later. But I could not. That early, my digestive system is just on a strike and wishes to sleep a bit longer I guess.

I am a Certified Holistic Nutritionist and before I proselytize further, I must state for the record that I do not recommend skipping breakfast and eating lunch as your first meal of the day if you loooooooveeeeeee breakfast or if you feel like you need it. Some people actually do. I would never dream of convincing you to forgo the sweet pleasure of your daily warm oatmeal or Friday eggs. However, if you, like me, are ambivalent about breakfast but ardently enjoy grilled cheeses, spaghetti with meat sauce, hearty salads, lentil soup, sourdough pretzels, french toast, dinner, snack time, or brunch, then this article has your name written all over it in balsamic vinaigrette. Its benefits are plentiful, but allow me to enumerate some of the most notable benefits to skip breakfast and have an early lunch at 11.30 am instead.

My benefits of an early lunch and skipping breakfast:

I will be hungry but will have given my organs a chance to rest since I did not have eaten anything since dinner last evening. Usually, in my case, this is around 6:00 pm.

I avoid the lunch rush. While the hoards of sweet but foolish innocents cram themselves in line at “normal” lunchtime, I will be in and out of whatever eatery I choose to patron in two shakes of tzatziki. Unless I bring my lunch, in which case, I will be eating even quicker.

I have the opportunity to ingest one of my favorite meals of the day with renewed vigor and enthusiasm, not only because I will be hungrier and therefore equipped to eat more than I usually would for lunch, but also because I will have yet to hit the inevitable midday slump that occurs with regularity at around 1 p.m and riddles any concurrent meal with a sense of sluggishness.

I can get away with eating stuff like eggs and bacon on a bagel without feeling like I am trespassing on Saturday’s territory. Or order 6,000 chicken fajitas just because.

Like I said, I only dabbled in the late morning weekday brunch intermittently, but eventually, it morphed into something I pursued with jubilant deliberateness because of all the reasons listed above. I picked up recruits along the way, too; colleagues who were willing–nay, eager–to join me in my recalibration. Or those who have no choice. I very much advocate for converting others as it’s never easy being ahead of your time–in this case literally–and when it comes to eating roasted cauliflower or broccoli at strange hours of the day, the more the merrier!

Occasionally I will message a regular weekday brunch companion at 11:30 a.m. to see if they’re almost ready to venture forth, and they’ll sheepishly tell me they happened to have eaten breakfast that morning and won’t be hungry until later. At first, it might feel like a particularly piercing betrayal, but after a few disappointments I started to understand: This path isn’t for everyone. It is, in every sense of the word, a calling.

I planned on dying alone in a monastery or silent retreat, but then I realized how comfortable I am with myself and with someone else.

When is a relationship toxic? When is it time to leave him or her? When is a relationship going well? I have had quite some upheaval within a few relationships and tried to find out what it is I actually want. There were also times when I assumed that I would live in an unfurnished studio apartment, shouting incorrect Jeopardy! answers at my projector while 15 cats keep me company. Why is it that some relationships seem to work effortlessly and others are a disaster? I was indeed very unsure of what to look for, or worse yet, I didn’t know all the positives that I truly deserve to have within a relationship. I was blind, assumed and thought that certain patterns within a relationship or marriage are “normal”. What I was lacking was a good understanding of what an awesome relationship looks like. When it comes to relationships and what I perceive as healthy and functional, I would like to share a couple of characteristics that should not be optional. If they are, they should be addressed as soon as possible.

Trust is one of the most important relationship characteristics to me. Without trust, there is a lack of a solid foundation on which to build anything. Without trust, I cannot count on my partner. For me, once trust is broken, the relationship is over.

Communication. Talking to each other honestly and respectfully, especially about things that are difficult, is something that does not come naturally and is not easy. Usually, uncomfortable topics are kept under the surface for the sake of harmony or perfection. I love a partner who doesn’t take things personally or who lashes out when he feels threatened. No need to escalate a conflict into a full-blown nuclear meltdown.

Respect for each other and don’t expect too much. I believe partners in a healthy, loving relationship extend each other a basic common denominator of patience that allows for flexibility, peace, and support for each other. Nothing and nobody is ever perfect but I think it is important to adjust to the ebbs and flows of a partner’s moods, within reason, on a daily basis. No need to scream and shout! I also think there is no need to say I love you but rather to show it in a form of affection and genuine interest. Kind of “a liking” for each other: hugs, kisses, comforting touch and whatnot. A relationship works in my opinion if both partners are truly interested in each other and are together out of attraction rather than obligation. In a healthy relationship, partners value each other’s time and opinions like they value their own. Compromises and flexibility are key, too. The relationship will change because people change. Nothing ever stays the same; to expect that two people will remain the exact same across months or years and decades is downright unhealthy thinking. You know why? Because hopes, fears, goals, and interests constantly evolve and this is a good thing. Also, the give-and-take roughly works out to equal over time, and neither partner feels resentful. There are exceptions of course and this is okay as long as both partners feel comfortable overall with the level of give-and-take as it exists. Oh, and don’t expect too much and you will never be disappointed.

Healthy conflict resolution. Usually, it does not work like this: boy-meets-girl-loses-girl, then boy-gets-girl-back-and-lives-happily-ever-after and they ride off into the sunset together and things are okay from now on. I believe that in a healthy relationship, partners are able to talk anything through with respect, empathy, and understanding.

Individuality and boundaries. Opposites attract. If two people were the exact same they would probably not have much to talk about after a while. And people who are so different that they don’t share each other’s values or daily styles of living are bound to have too little in common to maintain interest in each other. Do you know what the sweet spot is? A relationship where the similarities create a foundation to connect with each other, but individual differences are still respected and valued. Jealousy kills and I want to give my partner the freedom to still live his own life, especially in terms of friendships, hobbies etc. I believe it is important that each person has aspects of their lives that are theirs alone, and that boundary is respected by both. Lastly, but most important is honesty. Say what is on your mind and don’t mask your true self.

Do I need to be in a relationship?

I am in an awesome relationship with myself. I am perfectly happy by and with myself. Nobody needs to make me happy, heal me, help me or create my life for me. I am capable of taking care of all this on my own. But still, it is nice to have a partner by my side.

Then we met. He was there for me when I needed someone the most, yet we got to know each other slowly. In a way that felt totally fine. We read books together and didn’t call it a date. We watched movies. There was no pressure. Does the word commitment mean anything if two people live separate lives in two separate cities or countries? Even so, I wasn’t actively looking for anyone else and neither was he, but for me, that felt less like a decision I was making and more like a realization that “Hey, this feels good, maybe we should keep this going.”

I guess I spent so much time believing that there is a perfect person out there waiting for me and that my life’s primary directive is to tirelessly hunt that person down until finally I catch them and convince them to fall in love with my “strangeness and quirks”. Maybe this is all a fairy-tale rainbow and most couples haven’t come together in the end but that is okay, too. At the same time, I tend to think of commitment. The serious kind, permanent, capital -C Commitment as a bogeyman, with a clanking set of rusty shackles gaining on me, waiting for me to trip over a raised corner of the pavement so it can lock me up and trap me in its vice grip forever.

Honestly, committing feels less like impending doom descending on me to snuff out the flames of desire and more like crushing on a comfortable couch, reading to each other and cooking together while drinking tea or wine. Isn’t that sexy? Add intense fireworks, appreciation, and passion later and literally nothing sounds better than just staying where I am, forever, with a person who says they want to keep sitting there next to me.