.SOMETIMES RAW.

There was a woman in my class at school who is afraid of everything. Especially germs, deadly viruses, all viruses actually and dirt. She covers her seat with plastic bags before sitting down. Or this: The other day I overheard a story a woman told the cashier at the supermarket register. It was a story of a little boy she knew, some friend of a friend’s kid, who suffered from severe headaches. No one knew why. His parents took him to several doctors and they all said that there was nothing wrong with the boy. They were super afraid and went home. A few days later he woke up at night in agony and screamed in pain. The parents took him to the emergency room and doctors discovered that the little boy actually had maggots eating his eyeballs from the inside out.

I squeezed my eyes shut and moaned (a little too loud). The woman turned toward me and said, “Yes, it is true. Apparently, the little boy had been petting a dog or maybe the dog licked him on the eye, and maybe the dog had some maggot eggs on the tongue, who knows!” I took the organic Haribo Gummi-worms out of my shopping cart and put them back on the shelf. Also, I don’t let doggies give me kisses anymore. Or pet them. Or look at them. (kidding)

What are we afraid of? What gives us the chills? Do you take showers always with your eyes open just because you think about the original Ghostbuster movie and that slime thing that scared Sigourney Weaver? How terrifying is this?

As a child, I was afraid of all kinds of things. I was afraid of wolves in the woods and I never ever sucked my thumbs because of Struwwelpeter whose parents cut them off (thank you brutal German fairytales), ankle-grabbing monsters under my bed, clowns (Pennywise the Clown still make me uncomfortable) and death. There was a time when I was afraid of the Kombucha mushroom in my mom’s fridge. I opened it and saw that there are these organisms in a big glass doing laps while seemingly waving at me. Gross!

For entertainment purposes, I am taking this a step further by adding things that I find disgusting or weird, rather than irrational fears.

People who wear full camouflage in an urban environment. Well, this is kinda scary.

Flossing teeth together in the bathroom. Weird, not scary.

Spiders that crawl down my neck and then disappear in my sweater but I can feel them on my back.

Public bathrooms with poo in the toilet and a line of people outside waiting. Terrifying and scary. And disgusting.

Black flies at the cottage. They have little fangs and rip your skin out until you bleed to death.

Trying to drive up one particular steep hill on the way to the cottage when the roads are super icy. Usually, it takes three attempts while we sadly slide down again. My blood freezes.

Going to sleep knowing that there is a huge spider in the room. Actually, anything involving spiders is scary. Especially big ones.

Hugging or kissing someone who is covered in sweat.

Climate change scares me. Even more so since I studied biochem and know a bit more on how things “work”.

Cracking floor noise in my apartment when I am in bed. And Joel is in bed. WHAT COULD THIS BE? The house is old, but …. clearly either a ghost or murderer.

Whatever swims beneath me in a river, lake or ocean. Giant colossal squid? You just never know. Also, diving super deep scares me.

Opening the cork on a champaign bottle.

I train an army of creepy squirrels and raccoons on my balcony but they both freak me out. I think it is their little hands.

(Flying) Cockroaches. Can they fly straight into my mouth while I scream?

Looking in the rearview mirror of a car when it is dark outside and imagine to see a stranger who sits in the backseat.

When it comes to fear, sometimes there is no escape. Sometimes there is no easy exit. But at the same time, there is beauty in any nightmare. And I deal with it. Everytime – no matter what.

I care a lot about many things. I worry a lot, too. Especially as a woman, I think I am more prone to care and worry. But to what extent is it healthy? Honestly, I know people who truly don’t care about many, to me, important things at all. Their life must be so much easier. Or isn’t it? Some care about celebrities, what they wear and how they look. Some people at my yoga class care about their expensive outfits, about those extra pounds they want to get rid of by starving themselves or they worry about their unwashed hair. One woman made sure to mention several times that she ran 30k yesterday, that she is so sore and hates running. “Why are you running then,” the Yoga instructor asked. “Because I don’t want to gain weight and I need to prove to my husband that I can do this,” she responded. The Yoga instructor shook her head and said, “Well, then Downward Facing Dog everyone” while the blonde woman in her hot pink spandex tank took sighed.

Others care about their bitchy friends, asshole boyfriends/ husbands or idiot coworkers. We care about being late, being too early, eating that bagel with cream cheese or eating two Cannolis for breakfast. All those things we care and worry about ruin us in the long run. We get miserable and depressed by pushing ourselves to limits we don’t even want to reach.

Taking a closer look at Instagram or Facebook, for example, people strive for validation, views and “likes”. Everybody is supposed to care. When looking at those perfectly staged photoshopped and edited family pictures, yoga poses and some things others do, we start to worry again. Why can’t I do that? Why can’t I run a successful business or move to Bali? Why isn’t my house all white and why do other women seem to have it all? ALL THE DAMN TIME?

Now we have to shift our thought patterns and stop filling our days with this fluff. Nothing is perfect, ever. Nobody lives in a spotless, white house with babies or toddlers who make no mess. Take a closer look at those who tell you that their life is perfect and soon you will realize that they try the hardest and it is still all just a big show. Scratch a bit on the surface and capture for yourself what is real and how insecurities reveal themselves. See people without their masks. Look beyond. Shift your focus away from appearances and care about what makes you happy. Is it really that 30k run that you force yourself to run? Take a look inside and see what is going on. Focus on true happiness, and by that, I mean true contentment within yourself. Living in a beautiful big house, driving that Porsche, not having to work or having your kids signed up in private school might not be what you need and what makes you truly happy.

There was a time in my life when I thought everything has to be perfect or at least good enough. Things had to be a certain way. But usually, whenever I thought that this is it or this is perfect, life threw another curveball at me and I had to adjust and move on but sometimes in a completely different direction than I planned. I realized the hard way that worrying and over-analyzing does not help but rather slows me down. Many things are simply out of my control and I have to accept that.

So after an experience that I will not describe here since it is too private, I learned an important lesson: Nothing matters as much as I think it does; not even the most difficult situation, bad events or messages. What matters are people who love and need me, like my son. To me, his happiness matters. My parents matter. My friend and his family matters. But their approval does not. Perfection in a relationship does not since it does not exist. Things we think matter the most, do not matter because, in the end, everything will work out but maybe in the most unexpected way. Whatever makes us truly happy on this journey matters but this means not to lose sight of ourselves by caring and stressing about what we cannot change, is out of our control and what others do/wear/say/have/think or post online.

How about stop caring and worrying so much and start living? Time goes by so fast. I am still here and standing, despite those challenges I face(d). I am not afraid of falling short. No one can tell me what I can and cannot do, what I should and should not expect. And I am most certainly not losing any sleep over the white modern furniture I do not own. I have more important things to do such as feeding my army of squirrels on the balcony with leftover nuts. To soak in this mundane, simple moment is the purest luxury of all.

Growing up, I was a drama-free person. Protected, my only concern was to play outside, climb up the highest tree and build the biggest tree house. Life was easy. Later in elementary school whenever someone spread a rumor, I would not entertain it and simply mind my own business. 

Years later, I had this creeping realization that things had changed. Gossip was more noticeable and everywhere along my road to adulthood but I tried hard not to get involved in the minutiae of people’s everyday issues. The more I avoided gossip, the more people bombarded me with their problems, yet (and this was weird) did not really want to listen to suggestions on how to fix things. I recall, there was one particular week when I listened to one of my closest friends over the course of about three days who explain why she was so depressed and stressed about a boyfriend. It took another two days to analyze the nonsensical petty text message fight between my friend and this guy whom she spent a couple of years with but who was married. (Note to self: Do not get involved with married men!) I spent several lunch breaks at work with another friend who told me everything on how she found out that her husband cheated and the issues and rollercoaster trajectory she faced with her new boyfriend because of all this. (Note to self: Do not get married, like ever!) 

People describe me as a fairly rational human being; I am calm if you don’t push me too far, level-headed, collected and driven. But then, I am sometimes drawn to drama because it 1) distracts from my own life issues and stress for a bit; 2) it transfers me into a pseudo-peer counselor to my friends and I like to help and find solutions and 3) personal growth. I also love people- watching and to eavesdrop on first-date conversations at for example a coffee shop where I usually write and read. With personal family issues, I have this desire to get to the bottom of things. But at the same time, I am not into any pop culture news or drama and I would rather poke my eyeballs out than watch The Bachelor or Big Brother.  I guess, this magnetism for problems and issues stems back to my upbringing. Again, everything was drama-free, somewhat discouraged and labeled as “uncool” or “other people’s problems and not your business”. So I stuck to myself, my hobbies, books, and studies which I guess led to this introversion that somewhat stunted me emotionally and socially but this is totally fine. What has changed is that I started to prioritize friendships and listen to my gut and heart more than anything, but I still want to relate to others. I am ready to listen and to connect because I somehow embrace and accept that other’s trust me. But at the core, I simply just don’t let others consume all my energy and time anymore. 

We all have some sort of role within this social system which creates a feeling of belonging. Listening to other people’s stories always allows me to grow, too. With all this being said, it took me a very long time to really understand how some people work. It took me an even longer time to understand that emotions are complicated and that logic and analysis are non-existent when someone is in love. And the funny thing is, while I help others, I am at the same time sorting through my own conflicts, or develop a plan to move forward or in a completely different direction which makes it important interpersonal work. I can learn so much from others which brings me a deep sense of satisfaction. We are all resolving our own issues and move forward in a new or for us “right” direction to connect to an even deeper intimacy with who we are and what we love. 

Food for Thought:

I love to find out more about how humans tick because some stories people share with me are rather shocking. There is always this uncertainty in life; an uncertainty that removes our judgment of others and ourselves. It makes us think if we are lovable or not, or if we are attractive or not. We find out through experience and people who believe they know everything learn nothing. One way to solve problems is to first admit that actions and beliefs up to this point have been wrong and obviously do not work.  I have to keep in mind that my (or other people’s) values are imperfect and incomplete. To assume that they are perfect just throws me in a mindset that breeds entitlement and simply avoids responsibility. Also, an openness to being wrong must exist for any real change to take place. Everybody has their own values and protects them. People try to live up to them and justify them and maintain them. This is who we are. 

I sometimes call it human troubleshooting and I figured it is not so important to find myself or to know who I am 100% because this keeps me striving and discovering. In the end, it forces me to remain humble in my judgment and accepting of the differences in others and myself.