.SOMETIMES RAW.

“People talk a lot when someone is dying.  They talk as if the person is already dead.  Maybe it’s the first step of the healing process for those inevitably left behind.  And maybe you have already started the process by pulling a few steps away from us.  The frail used-to-be man in the bed upstairs is not our father.  You were so much more than that.” (8)

Sarah Pinborough’s The Language of Dying(Quercus, 2016) is a novella about five adults who gather at their childhood home as their father reaches the final stages of a cancer that will kill him.  Pinborough’s narrator uses plain language, and that language is the highlight of the book. At 130 pages, the book is sparse but packed with meaning and gives a glimpse of characters like an impressionist painting.  It is not a detailed portrayal of the characters but an impression of them as people, filtered through the narrator. 

The story is told from the perspective of the family’s middle child, who has returned home first to recover from an abusive relationship, then to care for her dying father.  Her siblings join her as their father’s life will soon end.  The family now consists of the dying father and his five children: Paul, Penny, the narrator, Davey, and Simon.  It’s a family of damaged people who cope in different ways.  We read the narrator’s thoughts and she speaks in her mind as though she is speaking to her father.  It’s a personal and conversational style that gives us her perspective without contrivances.  Her reliability as the person closest to the situation (apart from the father) also makes her a trustworthy perspective at the beginning of the story: “I take a deep breath of the air that has been just mine and yours for months.  It’s been two days since you last smoked a cigarette, but I imagine the lingering tobacco scent filling me up and it gives me the confidence to face the outside.  How Penny came to be part of the outside, I’m not quite sure” (5-6).  This reliability becomes strained as the story progresses and the stress of caring for her father while dealing with her siblings becomes more difficult for her to handle: “I’m crying as I change the stained sheets and I don’t know who for.  Maybe for all of us.  Maybe just for me.  There is a worm in my head that whispers that it isn’t only Paul who doesn’t think other people feel and think and care.  And maybe the worm is right” (113).  

The narrator is aware that her father’s death will change the family, and one of the key elements of the story is her balance between the intensity of the moments (good and bad) and knowing that the moments will end.  Being so focused on time, death, and change, she also compares how those relationships used to be and how they have changed or will change irrevocably.  

As impressionistic as the book is, we’re constrained by the narrator’s anxieties and memories, her love, envy, sorrow, sadness, and happiness.  There’s enough there to suggest deeper lives than we see.  So much so that the unicorn might be the least interesting part of the story.  

The one part of the book that I found disappointing is the ending.  I won’t say what it is, but after the first 120 pages, I expected a more impactful end.  It’s a bit clichéd and a let down, but I’d say that the 120 pages outweigh the 10 in that proportion.

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This book review was written by Dat Tran (guest blogger). He grew up in Nepean, Ontario. In grade 10, he wrote a book report on the fate of the royal family of Troy, and Greek tragedy and mythology became his gateway into literature, philosophy, and history.  He is not good at math.

Let’s say my eccentric brother Thomas would give me $20,000 for my birthday. There is only one catch. I have to invest the money for six years with one of two IT companies my brother suggests. Company A is super well respected all over the world for its ethics and its returns and most clients are very happy even with a sometimes modest gain. Company B guarantees that they will blow my money out of the window and then blame me for it. Which company would you choose? 

Or let’s say I get diagnosed with a rare infection that kills its victims within a couple of days (I may have watched the movie “Contagion” a couple of weeks ago). A friend of mine, let’s call her Diana, had that exact same infection and knows of the only two doctors in the world who work with it. One doctor is into research, testing, and new treatments and is curing patients with rather great success. The other one is an alcoholic who cannot even spell his name, beat her up several times, saved one person and she had an affair with him. Which doctor would you choose? 

Or let’s say it is my wedding day (ha!), and the universe sets some sort of giant stopwatch for five years. When the stopwatch goes off, I will either be divorced or I won’t. I have recently heard the rumor that 50% of marriages end in divorce. Let’s say my friend Diana knows a strategy and secret that makes me stay married while others would guarantee that I get a divorce before the timer went off. Would you want to know Diana’s strategy? 

Of course! You would invest with company A, choose the sober doctor and would do whatever it takes to protect yourself from divorce. But my friend Diana is really onto something. There really is a secret. Doctor Gottman conducted a study with newlyweds and then followed up with them six years later. Several had remained together; many had divorced. According to Dr. Gottman, all the couples that stayed married were much better at one thing: They turned towards instead of away. At Gottman’s six-year follow-up study, couples that had stayed married turned towards one another 86% of the time and couples that had divorced averaged only 33% of the time. In a nutshell, the secret is: turning toward if possible which is easier said than done sometimes. 

I think this is an awesome piece of data that suggests that there is something we can all do today that will dramatically change the course of our relationships. Or more importantly, it suggests that there is something that you cannot or should not do that will lead to its demise. Big questions: How do you turn toward instead of away? I guess in order to understand turn toward, I have to understand the “bid theory” first. My bid-theory is pretty much any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. These bids can show up in simple ways such as a smile, a wink or in such things as asking for advice, help or requests. According to Gottman, women make more bids than men (duh!), but in a healthy relationship, both partners are comfortable to make all kinds of bids without feeling bad and even recognize many. These bids can all become pretty tricky, too. Sometimes I miss a couple of bids. But men struggle in this regard even worse so it is important to pay attention. Bids usually have a secondary layer. A what? The true meaning is behind the word or you may call it the difference between text and subtext. Yes means no and no means yes? A few examples: 

Text: Does this outfit look good? Subtext: Can I have your attention? 

Text: Let’s put Joel to bed? Subtext: Can I have your help? 

Text: I spoke to my family today. Subtext: Will you chat with me? 

Text: Want to cuddle (kiss)? Subtext: Can I have your affection? 

Text: Want to play cards? Subtext: Will you play with me? 

Text: I have had a terrible day. Subtext: Will you help me destress? 

According to Gottman, to “miss a bid is to turn away” and turning away or rejecting can be devastating. Rejecting a bid at least provides the opportunity for some type of engagement and repair but missing the bid altogether may result in diminished bids or even worse, in making bids for enjoyment, attention, affection or some other crazy stuff. I think it is really important to learn and recognize those bids and to commit to making them to each other in a relationship and then turn towards by paying attention. To simply listen to each other and talk and recognize what the partner is saying may open doors to responses. If the partner has really paid attention, he/she will have recognized and responded to both the text and the subtext. Also, keep in mind that some bids can get more complicated and you may head into more vulnerable territory. However, this will all not be a problem if you built a solid friendship first and have a good foundation from the beginning. If you are committed you can stay focused on this ONE relationship or marriage you are in and make it work if it is worth it by turning toward instead of away. My eccentric brother Thomas and crazy friend Diana would be so proud of you. 

All countries have their own weird traditions and behaviors and Germans are obviously no exception. I am German myself and a lot of these habits I only realized were completely bonkers after I left Germany and moved to another country. I just thought, this is how people behave; it’s human nature all over the world. But I realized quickly, that this is not the case. It is time to roast my own country people and myself obviously and call them out on their strange and embarrassing habits. Let’s get to the bottom of this and demystify the Germans. Keep in mind that the list below may also save your relationship or marriage if you are involved with a German person.

• Be very direct. Do not expect British level of small talk. As a matter of fact, cut the small talk, and say it straight. “Pass the pepper” will do nicely and does not come across as impolite for Germans. It may take some time to get used to it but in the end, you will realize that it saves quite a lot of time and is not impolite at all. Wearing an awful shirt? Germans will tell you. Gained a bit of weight? Germans will let you know. The good thing about this is that you always know where you stand. The bad thing is, your soul may be crushed. One may experience a certain type of initial German “coldness” or emotional distance toward other people. There is no fluffing around. Germans take some time to build a solid foundation with others rather than a shallow one.
• Get used to all the German Fairy Tales and don’t be scared. You may leave your light on at night.
• Germans love to discipline. If you are on a bus and put your shoes up on the seat, Germans will first look at you suspiciously and then lean over and tell you to put your feet down on the floor
• As a pedestrian, do not (under any circumstances) cross the street if the traffic light signals red for pedestrian crossing (hell will freeze over!)
• Germans love to send bureaucratic threatening letters and make everything official. You forgot to pay a part of your electricity bill, your landlord won’t talk to you but rather send a letter of immediate eviction without warning if you do not pay.
• Germans are very impatient and self-control is very important. If you are in line at a cafeteria, you better choose your food quickly if a German stands behind you. If you take too long, they will freak out.
• The German accent. It sounds funny, but do not make fun of it too much. They will get angry. Why? Because according to Germans, we learned British English in school and talk normally. “Zis is a dog and ze dog looks angry because ze dog lost it’s bone ja. Zis is not cool.”
• Meat & Food. Many Germans love meat. Surprise a German with sausages, braten, cold cuts or any other meat-dish and they will love you. Try to prevent any meat-loving German from enjoying their schnitzel and you will be removed from the community or even deported immediately. Germans eat “quark” all the time but cannot explain what it actually is. Half cheese and half cream? Nobody will ever figure this out.
• Alcohol. Talking about the top-German foods, I have to continue with the beverages. When in Germany, you will find (strong) beer everywhere and everybody drinks it all the time. Beer in the evening, beer in the morning, beer after work with colleagues, beer alone at home and you can buy it everywhere, too. Even at the gas stations.  Germans drink on the streets quite a lot and some people carry a beer for the way (Wegbier) to the bar. Sounds like we are all a bunch of alcoholics. Also, you better look the other person straight in the eyes while clinking beer glass. Germans are pretty strict about that, too.
• Germans are highly organized; especially socially. There are visual signs everywhere that direct the public to follow rules and regulations to monitor and protect how to exist in Germany. Signs such as “Do not throw your trash here”, “Do not stand here”, “Do not walk here” etc. make things run smoothly for some reason. There is also no garbage on the ground; not even in the subway. You could eat off the ground.
• When children have their first day of school which is 1st grade (otherwise it is called kindergarten), every child gets a large cone, almost as big as the child themselves, covered in decorations called “Zuckertüte/Schultüte” (Sugar/school cone). In Germany, it is normal to give your child a five-kilogram cone filled with sweets and treats on their first day of school. Kids hold on to that cone during school and then are allowed to open it at home that day in the evening. #sugarshock

• Polterabend which is smashing a ton of porcelain before you get married. Couples announce the date of their Polterabend in the local newspaper and then usually friends and family from the town or total strangers show up in an open space outside which is usually on the street in front of your house and bring all sorts of porcelain (sinks, cups, plates whatever they want to donate) that they then smash and the soon to be married couple has to clean up the mess. Of course, beer and appetizers (meat) are served.
• Nudity. German people love to be naked especially in places like local saunas, beaches, and lakes. People look at you in horror if you wear your bathing suit in a sauna. They might actually ask you to leave.
• Work ethics: Germans have on the average 6-8 weeks paid vacation per year and are very hardworking. They try to avoid mistakes and also work on an issue until it is sufficiently solved. Things need to be perfect.  All this happens usually without asking for help. They also take “Feierabend” (the time after work) very seriously. Germans go home when the clock ticks beer. Germans are health freaks and  usually have hundreds of health – and life insurances so nobody needs to worry or stress out in case something happens #GermanAngst
• Punctuality: Germans get nervous when they cannot be at least 10 minutes in advance to get to an appointment
• Don’t “you” anybody unless you are formally encouraged to refer to them as “you”. You call people Herr (Mr.) X or Frau (Mrs.) X until the older one tells you to use the informal “you”. 
• Dinner Parties: You invite someone to dinner at 6 pm, they will expect dinner to be on the table and ready at 6 pm. No small talk before, no waiting, no appetizers or anything unless specifically stated that this is scheduled before the actual dinner
• Other fun facts: The original Octoberfest actually starts in September. Germans ritually return recyclables and collecting the deposit. Especially plastic bottles, beer, and wine bottles. Germans simply love recycling.