.SOMETIMES RAW.

I received emails the other day from blog readers who told me they noticed something on the blog. It has not been the first time I received a message like this; however, those are more frequent these days. When I read one of these particular emails, I paused and re-read it. The person asked me what had changed in my life by pointing out that I don’t write daily anymore and also that the amount of personal information I share significantly changed. Whenever I share pictures or information on Instagram about Petit Joel for example I get a plethora of comments how this small update is so great and that it has been so long since they last saw him. 

How much is too much sharing of personal details and life online? Sharing personal things on a blog that has quite a number of readers is viewed skeptically here these days. So, it is true, I made some changes to this blog. I want to focus more on what is going on in my head, thoughts that arise, things I experienced as well as new ideas, and skeptical and thought-provoking topics. My husbands or son’s life is really not mine to tell. Petit Joel is 3 1/2 years old now and as we moved and time went on, I have been pulling back more and more in a way to share details or post tons of pictures of him here. I had a conversation the other day at daycare with a mom who showed me her Instagram account proudly with pictures of her daughter almost naked in the bathtub. Her daughter is 4 years old. It is all about choices, I reckon, even though, this is in my opinion not okay. 

I still take pictures but I am more selective in what I show and share online in public forums as well as what I write. My number one job here is to protect this little guy and I wonder sometimes if I did the right thing when I shared so much about him in the earlier days of this blog. I enjoy writing, blogging, telling stories and I like to connect with other people; however, I had this feeling that it was time to slow down on information sharing a bit and to keep personal stories where they belong – to the family. As I grew along with this blog I figured out and learned what works best for us and of course I believe that there is a way to integrate my family into the blog – with mindfulness and thought. The key here is to make this blog more “me-centered” rather than putting too much emphasis and focus on my husband or my son. This is my blog and my story but it is also tricky because they are my family and it is just a fine line of privacy to consider and to keep in mind when I write. 

Once in a while I get notifications that I haven’t had written a blog post in a long time. Writing is my thing, my passion, I love it but then again, there are other obligations, tasks, assignments and of course family. These days, I need to tune in to nature to relief stress and actually block out all the noise. There is so much going on and I am mentally and physically tired. Does this sound familiar to you, too? I guess it does since we all have some type of deadlines, health challenges, family or social obligations and so much more. What have we been up to lately?

It is so crazy how fast time flies. I signed up Petit Joel in Kindergarten this week for September which will be another big step for him and I, I reckon (Kindergarten here is different from Germany! It is comparable with preschool/Vorschule!) These days however,  we spent a lot of time outside in the snow, enjoying our first Canadian winter. 

We are regulars at the museums here in Ottawa. Petit Joel loves them as much as I do.  The National Gallery, Museum of History and Museum of Nature are our top three so far. 

There is always time to be creative and write a  bit however even if it is not on my blog. This will change again soon. It is always just the overwhelming load of work at the beginning of the semester. 

The other day I thought Petit Joel should get a haircut; which he indeed desperately needed [this boy’s hair is just a mess]. So while we are at the Barber Shop I got a bang trim (how weird that sounds!) at the same time which was pretty neat. Sitting next to my three year-old son who smiles at me and tells the barber to not cut off any of mommy’s “long hair because he loves it so much” is pretty sweet. The barber then tells me that it does not happen very often that women get a haircut at his place. They rather go to the fancy hairdresser across the street. [First of all, why would I do that and pay four times the price. Secondly, I just get a bang-trim and the ends straightened out. Thirdly, I don’t ever need all the chemicals and fluff on my hair anyway. Simply, cut the hair. Nothing else needs to be added!] In Germany I would always go to this place instead: Nicole Reiter Naturfriseur!  I have the easiest haircut to maintain and I know and believe that “simple” is the best for me! 

Otherwise, Petit Joel and I spent a lot of time together; especially on weekends. Since I have two evening classes during the week we are working with new babysitters from the neighborhood and all three are fantastic. I don’t worry for one second when they take care of him.  The funny thing is: they are all 13/14 years-old but get along with him so well. On weekends, we also go out and get the most amazing chocolate cake around here at “Life of Pie” [for insiders, MOM: heavenly “warze Kuche” for him and coffee for me]. He is a “Saturdate” for sure while we play Jenga for hours. I even get some journaling/writing done while he plays. Win-win! 

The other day it was so cold, dark and wet/snowy. I felt tired but we dressed up and went for a walk. We walked and walked and it snowed some more but I was mindful. I appreciated it all. The fresh air, his tiny hand comfortably in mine while we walked to our favorite bookstore.  We even walked by a “free bed frame” too. Well, goodnight, then, who decides to take it home. 

While we walked I realized again that we are in Canada. That we live here, building our lives, spending time with great people and that I am studying simply because I love what I am doing. I miss my family in Germany and many times it feels that I am so far removed. But it is all okay. They are there. I am with them. Always! We are together anyway and simply a Skype/Facetime call away. 

On a book-nerd-note: I found out about Trinidadian/Canadian author André Alexis and was able to attend the reading/discussion at Carleton University this evening. What a gem of a writer. I loved it so much. Stay tuned for a book review of his book “Fifteen Dogs” soon. And I added two of his books to my TBR-list. 

When I came home after the reading, I chatted with the babysitter for a while, paid him and checked on Petit Joel as soon as he left. I always do. I walked into his bedroom and saw his tiny flashlight on. As I was about to turn it off, he woke up and looked at me. He said, “I played with the trains earlier but I can’t connect all the train tracks. I just can’t!” I told him that he has to sleep but he insisted and said again, “Mommy, I just can’t!” 

I took him in my arms and said, “Joel, can’t means won’t. You can do whatever you want. You just keep trying until you figure it out. Don’t get frustrated. Just keep trying. It is not that difficult. And if you want something really really badly, you can figure out a way to do it. You can and you will do it! It is just all about choices, my love.” 

While I told him all this, he curled up on my shoulder and fell asleep again. While I put him back in his bed and wrapped his blanket around him I told myself these same words all well. “You can” and “you will”. This goes for my Master Thesis and for anything, too. 

Of course the time in Germany flew by in a heartbeat. I always know this before I even get here. I want to meet so many friends, want to talk to everyone and spend time with them but it is not possible. I just unpacked my suitcase and it is time to arrange all the things I purchased/received as intelligently as possible to make this thing close up again. 

I cannot even describe the endlessly long number of thoughts that are going through my head right now. The car ride tomorrow to the airport, our stay at the hotel, the flight and so much more but I can deal with it. I always figure out a way. You know why? Because I have to and things will be okay. And if they won’t, I will rearrange everything and make it work again. There are only solutions even though I don’t see them right away. 

I felt emotional for two days now and it is strangely always the same painful phenomenon. Saying goodbye to my family is never easy. I just know I am and have been at a very peaceful, loving, good place. My home base, which is a place where I don’t have to worry about anything really. Not that my life was bad before but being with my family is extra special. Maybe you can relate or know what I am talking about. My brother was here too, so it has been especially great. Really awesome and good conversations. Things are never perfect, but it felt pretty close to it. It has been a, for me, pretty long time since we have all seen each other last. 

Saying goodbye to my grandparents every time does not get easier either. They are old, they have their health issues. Will I ever see them again? We talk on the phone or via Skype (82/92 year-olds are using Skype, too!)  every week usually but this is not the same than of course talking in person. I was thankful to have spent some time with them while I was here. I am just continuing to put my positive energy out there by thinking positive thoughts and things. Everything will be okay. We will be fine. I simply have to take out the negativity and sadness of leaving my base behind, hah! Easier said then done but I focus on my health first, Petit Joel, on the next semester, meeting friends again and how everything just always goes on somehow. 

My life is no way how I ever planned it to be. The only thing I always knew was that I don’t want to be stuck here in Coburg. I wanted to see the world, explore, experience, travel. Things did not change so far. However, there is a price to pay, in this case that I won’t be able to stop by for a cup of coffee at my mom’s kitchen. I made all type of plans but life threw curveball at me left and right. Things changed. I adapted. And now I live in Canada and I love and adore it even though it is freaking cold, eh! This is my life. My new life. With no family around but this is what I chose. I am here now, open,  present and grateful for what I achieved. Grateful for the relationships in my life, especially the ones that open up my mind to new insights and helping me to embrace ideas and thoughts. As I said, I am adapting, and I already found a new favorite  bookstore and new books that fall into my hands which makes it all okay. 

Even though my heart is aching thinking about leaving  tomorrow, I know that I don’t want to change this wild, somewhat uncertain and crazy life of mine ever. I am beating the German “Angst” and look beyond security and safety and take a shot on this crazy life and what it entails. And I will be back. No matter what.