.SOMETIMES RAW.

It is cold in Canada and I am experiencing some sort of Winter Blues. Petit Joel and I are outside as much as possible. We built snowwomen and snow castles while being all wrapped up in layers and layers of clothing. Winter calls for warm, comfy food and the first thing that comes to my mind is: soup. I have been in some sort of battle with my intestines (gallbladder, yikes!) lately, but I am slowly but surely on the road to recovery. I have to be careful what I eat and cut out most things fatty for now. So what can we eat? Petit Joel is still my picky eater but he is getting better and always eats/tries everything in school – just not my food. Go figure, eh! This soup he loves and eats so win-win. 

For supper, we recently enjoy this carrot/ginger soup which is so tasty and hits the spot when we come back inside half frozen. It is super fast and easy to make, too and has been a go-to of mine for a few weeks now. All you need is a couple of basic ingredients, throw them into a pot and blend after. I don’t drink regular milk, so I used coconut milk instead. [I am typing all this at my local bookstore: The guy to my right wears a complete Scottish Kilt and the guy behind me laughs like this! They do serve very good coffee though and it is book-heaven, so it is all good and fun!] Back to my soup. I got off on a tangent here. What I wanted to say was, the coconut milk gives the soup this creamy, rich texture and flavor. 😀 

Fence Post Shadows – by Judith Lockett

Ottawa is a breathing, living city where inspiration seems to be around every corner. I think it is just a center for culture and art and even wandering the streets in my neighborhood is one of the most rewarding experiences. The unexpected discoveries are the best, in my opinion. I sat inside a coffee shop on Bank Street the other day and thought about what countless galleries and museums I will visit next. There are just so many amazing places and I am building up a somewhat deep love for this city. 

I was always a bit on the artsy side and interested in any art exhibit. Going to a museum and being able to spend several hours there discovering art is soul-food and self-care for me. However, it took a lot of unraveling, being uncertain or shifting to be comfortable at the point where I am right now. Whenever it comes to self-care, I forgot the importance of creating some type of boundaries while I attempted to take a couple of steps back in the direction of evolution and self-improvement. Taking steps back is not always easy or comfortable but was essential to my personal sanity and growth. I just want to protect this magic that is within me. 

What I learned on my self-care journey so far is that looking at unwinding, saying “no” and decompressing in a healthy way is a must for my personal growth. This took a lot of practice. Years of practice. I am “only” 35 years-old and for quite some time I let the comfort of simply being surrounded by others dictate how I arranged my life or moved through it. I worried how others saw me, if they liked me or if I am accepted by everyone but myself. To fit in, I tried to bend, shape and mold myself into something that I was not. People used to walk freely in and out of my life like it was some sort of revolving door and some left a huge mess behind because I did not create this safe space or some type of healthy boundaries. So how did I feel throughout all this? Internally, I was struggling hard and externally, I was tired and drained most of the time. 

Adirondack Chair – Judith Lockett

How did I start this transition into more self-care? It was lonely at first, but I am fine with me, myself and I. Sometimes this means cutting ties or losing friends. And sometimes just a simple “no” without feeling being swallowed up by guilt afterwards were concepts I worked on and became pretty good at. I needed to go out and enjoy one of the best ballet performances I have ever seen tonight for example. And I was comfortable hiring a new babysitter for the night and not even thinking about what could go wrong. Stepping away when I need time for myself is something I implemented and that works really well these days. In the beginning however, it was some sort of awkward transition and taking “me time” felt selfish because I could rather spend the time with my son and safe the money I would spend on a babysitter. It felt almost rude to go out at night. This would be categorized under “Unhealthy Attachments 101” I reckon. 

Self-care is not selfish. Living this life that puts me first and anybody else second is great and I can give the greatest attention to others [my son for example], after I have nurtured myself. And whenever I somewhat cater to the home front I am able to shine for others in a way that feels good to everybody involved. This is why people like me. I figured it out. Ha! Today, I was glad to have been invited to an amazing art exhibit of my friend Judith Lockett. Whenever I read “Art & Wine” on an invitation, most likely count me in. So Petit Joel and I spent the most amazing afternoon at Judith’s and Keith’s house and this was all food for my soul for me. Great conversations about art, life and so much more. I love to indulge in things that fill me up with confidence and especially without the attachments fear or uncertainty. Self-care is just rewarding. 

After we left, I realized that this type of artistic intercourse and self-care was like getting to know myself all over again. It was a humbling, free and comfortable feeling. It feels so great to be able to indulge in things that fill me up and make me happy. Peace of mind is key for me and being happy with what I have manifested is salient. Who knows what tomorrow or the future will bring. Bring it on. I am open for it. [Ryder to the rescue. Just Yelp for Help.] And I am desperate to check out the Nordik Spa here in Ottawa! 

So today, there was this amazing event at my independent  bookstore of choice where everybody was able to stroll around in the basement and get all the books 50% off. Say whaaaat? I was there as soon as I was able to peel myself off the couch in the morning [Saturday morning cartoon binge-watching] and after having a light lunch [pho-me-now]. <3

Petit Joel was with me and I quickly realized that exploring a bookstore basement piled with books is awesome for me, but not so much for him. He was okay for an hour or so and was also the only child there. 

I spoke to a friend about what [happiness] is and how things changed for me since Petit Joel is in my life. Happiness used to be wine glasses filled with a good red, restaurant visits and talk with friends at bars until 2 am. This all so familiar sound of high heels clicking on pavement when we walked to a book reading at night while adopting the New York fast-walk. Things changed and down the line a different lifestyle started molding as soon as he was born. From brunch on Sunday morning at Les Halles and reading the Book Review section in the New York Times after I got a manicure done to sleeping in because he had a stomachach all night long. 

Walking through Central Park while taking pictures and clicking the shutter of my camera got replaced by Petit Joel kicking and swimming crazily around inside my belly while I was pregnant. Now writing and reading in the afternoon has been replaced by Paw Patrol while yelping for help. [Happiness] is now enjoying seeing him gulping down some fries with Ketchup while I burn my lips and tongue four times chopsticking the noodles in my pho. 

When I became a mother I never thought I know it all. I got almost depressed piling all those tiny shirts and sweaters in his dresser while people asked me if this is hard. There was/is the sleep deprivation that just never stops and I feel it a lot these days. Has my life completely transformed? The first couple of weeks when Petit Joel was in my life I felt this intense change that I almost could not stand; those days were exhausting and burdensome but in a way they were not. His smile in the morning made it all worth it. And I have to add that everything is possible – even with a child. Life does not stand still. Coffee, lunch or brunch? I just bring him along. Museums? He is fine. Road trips and flying with him? No problem. You just have to walk into any new situation with open arms and no excitations of any kind and you will be fine. Sometimes, when it gets tough, I love when someone tells me, “It is okay. You got this. Don’t worry!” [My mom is pretty good at this] 

So today, when Petit Joel started using piled books on the floor as stairs and was happy to climb up to conquer Mount Everest, I knew it is time to leave the bookstore. I got another hint that it is time to go when he started to take books out of the shelves to read them and throw them on the floor after. I felt my heart stopped for half a second while the bookstore staff gave me “the look”. These are times when I think, “I cannot do this and this all sucks. I just wanted to enjoy the bookstore and my beloved books!” Or when he gives himself haircuts (how did he even find the scissors) and is all proud. It all makes complete sense. This is Petit Joel. He discovers. He learns. He explores. This is something I unconsciously knew from the get-go – from the time he was this little tiny thing trying to roll himself off the bench in my parents kitchen. I hear myself using the same words my parents used with me: “How many times do I have to tell you?” or “You do as I say!” or “That’s enough now!” and my patience shrinks more and more. I am not proud of yelling at him, ever. Is it necessary? 

I continue to grow and life is complicated. Who said it would be easy? Are we just wringing it day by day, year by year  ? The key is not to do all this mothering alone and to connect with other women/mothers who are crazy enough to talk to me and exchange their experiences. To simply find your tribe. To find the mothers who stand beside me when the goings get’s tough and who are not afraid to talk about it either. Also, friends who agree that there are just not enough hours in the day, not enough hands, not enough patience sometimes but that it is all okay. These women who seem to be perfectly happy with everything while balancing it all and tell you about their perfect life and their perfect children and perfect days spent at the park while they listen to everything their kids say and are all so content simply don’t exist. Baby Yoga? I need a massage. This is how “It takes a village” looks like? Let the dust settle a bit while this illusion shatters. This village means that we realize that we [the mothers] are in this boat together. We honor each other, even though we feel like we are failing. There should be some empathy and understanding to one another. There should not be judgement but rather honesty. I am doing my best here. “My village” is salient to keep me grounded and make me realize that I am enough and that it is all okay. Let him climb up Mount Everest.