.SOMETIMES RAW.

Who said that?! Theodore Roosevelt. You did not know? Well, guess what! You just learned something. “How come she knows that and I don’t,” you might ask. I just read it somewhere a long time ago and it is stuck in my head ever since. This does not mean you are not “good enough” however. I don’t have self-doubt that I won’t be able to finish the Master in Linguistics and the papers or write some complete garbage thesis that nobody is able to understand. But honestly, listening to some native speaking students in my class who just finished their Bachelor in Linguistics, I am in awe on how well they can communicate. Well, it is their mother tongue and I am a lot better in German than in English; however, I want to improve my English skills and this is why I decided to write this blog in English. 

Also, I spoke briefly to another student during a little break we had throughout one of my three hour classes. He told me about philosophy, that this Master is his third one and he also finished three Bachelors and is currently working on his PhD. Now what? Do I meet the expectations my professors have? Will I be good enough to pass this class listening to what others have done already? “How good their English (language) is and I have to read some sentences twice or three times,” I thought and happened to say this out loud too while walking back to the classroom. Digging a little deeper after the second class, I have spoken to this classmates again who is “perfect” in my opinion. He knows it all. He knows about politics – everything that goes on in the world literally, is well-read and can comment on anything anybody says in class. Digging a little deeper, I found out that he has no self-confidence at all. He thinks that he will never pass this class. That he will never meet the professor’s expectations and that he won’t be able to keep up with all the readings. He worries that he will be left behind because he thinks he is not as good as everybody else. 

“Okay,” I thought. “WHY would you be worried,” I asked him and hoped for a convincing answer. He told me that all his constant achievements make him feel weird and that something will happen in this course. He will fail. His papers won’t be as good as everything else he already PUBLISHED. And what really threw me off was when he said,”what will everybody else think of me if I fail? My parents? And how will I feel if I fail?” [This student is 28 years-old!] I told him that he should not care what other people think or say about him anyway but he was devastated. It is okay, not to be perfect. Even though, in my eyes, he is. At least academically. “If anyone should worry, it is me. English is not even my mother tongue,” I said while we sipped our lattes and ate our pumpkin muffins. 

I remember when I started working at the United Nations and everything was in English. I was worried that I won’t understand what my colleagues say on the radio. How I will purchase things in a store. It was tough but I did it. Language is everything; this is why I study it. I want to find out more. Not necessarily speak ten different languages, but  more on how it all works together so smoothly. Language and behavior, speech therapy, Forensic Linguistics and how everybody finds a little place in society by the language they speak. Every beginning is hard or tough. Even though I picked up English pretty easily, it was still not easy. Everything takes time. Sometimes a long time. I remind myself that I start with the basics first, and I will work my way up. It is all a progress and some classes will be harder and more difficult to master than others. I am also not 28 and have no other responsibilities than studying. Petit Joel is around and everything else I need to take care of while le husband is on mission. I am pretty good with my time management at this point. We have established some sort of routine. Petit Joel cannot ever be sick on Mondays, Wednesdays or Fridays though. Or Tuesdays and Thursdays, hah! 

I know I can do this and so much more. I am admiring my professors and what they accomplished. But I am also realistic. They did not get this position over night. They worked really hard to achieve this advanced level of eduction, together with years of determination and practice. It is great to be exceptional. And if I want to be in this position, I will work for it. Can I ever be like those professors? Who cares. Maybe. I am me, myself and I and it is okay. And maybe some people say, “damn, I want to do what you are doing.” Get up and do it. 

Hi out there!

So, University has started as well as preschool for Petit Joel. We are still in the first week of adjusting, both of us indeed. It is a major change. Especially when they told me at the Graduate Orientation that I have to take a class that is only taught in the evening. No problem really; only if you have a child and no husband or family around. Duh! I desperately search for a babysitter in one day and with the help from a friend in class, I found someone to take care of Petit Joel. Needless to say, she did an awesome job. It is almost like having a grandma at home. So sweet and caring. Defiantly babysitter-jackpot here. She will be back next Wednesday! And I was so worried. “Will he be okay? Will he cry? Will he miss me?” It was the first time ever to have someone else in our house to take care of Petit Joel which was weird in a way. And he cried in the beginning screaming for me while I walked down the road. It did hurt, I won’t sugarcoat anything here. I heard him screaming,”I want my mommy, please!” which made me almost turn around. Motherhood is a bitch! I did not turn around. [I don’t want him to live in my basement at age 40 and play playstation. Eventually, he has to go to preschool and do his own thing!] As much as I love to have him at home, it feels so nice to have some free time. Running around Campus is the best, you guys. I highly recommend it. If you are passionate about something and it includes studying, do it. Don’t wait. 

Otherwise, he is doing really well at Preschool. He is still the tiniest in the group but holding up to the bigger guys like a pro. Making puzzles, painting and drawing, listening to stories and finally eating lunch there. I am so proud of him. It was all in all quite a big transition for him, too. Petit Joel was used to me, my cooking, my family and hanging around us all day long. Now he has to adjust, listen, obey sometimes and learn to share. I had a little meltdown this morning when he did not want to leave my leg and wanted me to stay with him. Out of a sudden, I had this feeling that something was in my eyes and the preschool teacher told me to just hand him over and leave. “Just leave,” she said. “We got this”. And she was right. No problems at all. He stopped crying, adjusted and played with the other kids. And he ate two plates of noodles and chicken for lunch. Awesomeness. Tomorrow he will stay for nap time and I will pick him up after my class finishes. So approximately 3 – 4 pm. I try to get some more readings done and keep him at the daycare. 

The weekend is around the corner so tons of time at the playground and together so I try to get as much work done during the week as possible. I love this Master Program. It is challenging but so worth it if you love languages. I don’t want to talk about what it is all about here but if you want to know more or how to apply to this program, send me and email or write a comment below. 

Today, I had been reminded of one life lesson again. Life is hard. Life can be tough, messy, raw and sometimes it just suck; but it is beautiful. Whenever I negatively think, it cannot get worse, it will get worse. Something else will come up or an emergency light will pop up on the dashboard of the car. Why? Just because. This is life.Deal with it. Figure it out. Fix it. Whatever you need to do. As long as you are healthy it is all good. Who cares about a little dashboard “refill some-stuff immediately-light” as long as you did not have an accident and you are okay? Just find solutions instead of whining about how bad your life and situation is. There are always solutions out there. Just find them. This is in a way le husband talks because he usually reminds me of those things whenever I am struggling. He is awesome, I know. Today was tough, today was painful so I thank him for being him, making all this possible for us and loving me unconditionally as much as I love him. Signing off now. Tomorrow: Preschool for Petit Joel and class for me at 8.30am. 😉 The early bird catches the worm, right? 

FYI, This glass of water is not for my teeth, Putzl. Just to drink; water rocks. 

Hey out there. Things are slowly winding down and the big day first day back at school is approaching. I am so excited about that. I love studying, university life and libraries! My brother left (sniff), le husband left (sniff, sniff) and I am getting ready for University. It is strangely quiet in the house while I type this. Nobody is drinking beer and I am not even in the mood for wine these days; or to go outside alone to sit by the river because it is just not the same without the people I love. 

After we dropped le husband off at the airport today [Ottawa Airport is the best airport I have ever been!], Petit Joel and I discovered our neighborhood more with the stroller. We filled the fridge with fresh local groceries (blueberries forever!), bought a small blueberry pie (duh!) and headed to the playground. He is so exhausted at this point that he did not ask for his watch, compass, calculator, tiny cars and keys – all those things he usually takes to bed. He simply passed out with his father’s flashlight in his hand. Cute. I love nights like this. At the playground I met Kathy, her two kids and husband just because Petit Joel played with their three year-old son the most. We hit it off from the first couple of sentences. For me, it is not easy to find other cool parents to hang out with. Many moms I met so far just talk about the shape and size of their kid’s poo, or baby yoga classes that they really needed to sign their three months old baby up for. Boooooring. Plus, I still have a brain, too. I read, I do things other than baby/toddler or whatnot all day. We will definitely meet again at the playground, for coffee or cake and just enjoy each others company while the kids play. She even lives very close by. Yay! First friendship in Canada: established. 

While I chased Petit Joel all over the playground I realized that I need to work out again. Not crazy, but I want to get rid of a couple of pounds I put on while traveling and enjoying life too much. I feel okay, but exercising regularly and eating healthier again simply makes me feel better.  I want to get in shape again, fitter and be outside as much as I can. Canada is just too beautiful to stay inside. [This sentence might change as soon as winter comes around, but I seriously doubt it] I also want to sleep better, drink more water to stay hydrated [whenever I don’t drink enough water, my skin is so dry it is insane] and stay away from alcohol. With the new semester approaching, I want my brain to be clear and focused and just take better care of myself. 

I was inspired to cook healthier and cut out meat completely for a while, when we visited the local organic health food store today. This store is like a small farmers market with fresh local groceries. I am researching local farmers market and any other organic food store around here. So much fun to explore. [And yes, I do miss le husband’s awesome BBQ nights at the Chalet; YUM] 

Whenever it comes to changes, I won’t completely deprive myself of all indulgences that make life fun, you know. It is really about moderation and balance. So my goal is to pay attention what I eat during the week. Lots of fresh, nutritious food. No sugar, alcohol and such. On weekends or special occasions I will have my two (three) glasses of wine and I will also sink my teeth into some fries and a burger when I go out with Petit Joel.  It’s life and splurging once in a while is fun. 

I would like to gain overall strength and be tones all over to just feel better inside and out. I realized how good I felt running after Petit Joel. Also my brother and I had this awesome basketball match for 1 1/2 hours. Whenever I focus more on my body and health I feel how much calmer I am. I also have way more energy, am happier and more productive. So I will finally publish this book I am working on. 

I am signing off for today and enjoy this sort of lonely evening with a good book that I bought at my new favorite, independent bookstore.  You all have a great (long) weekend. 

Je t’aime mon amour. I miss you so much. Counting the days, counting the days.