.SOMETIMES RAW.

Hello and Happy Tuesday! 

I am still not feeling well. My throat hurts, my nose is stuffed and I have this overall tired and achy feeling. Nonetheless le husband and I put on our sport clothing and running shoes, took petit Joel and the running stroller to head outside. Fresh air is the best for me when I am sick [and sleep]. We started out at a normal pace which turned into fast-paced walking as long as I felt comfortable. Throughout this walk we talked. Le husband and I love to talk and discuss things. One thing that is/was on my mind for a while now are babies. Well, well, well, I am not pregnant but I thought I wanted to talk about it for a bit. While we walked through the woods  I had this feeling of having the perfect little triangle family. We are a good team. We are the Home-Team that always wins. Why would I even think about another child. 

Then of course there are good days and bad days. When my son throws a couple of tantrums the thought of another baby is so far away that the only thing I think about is running to my gynecologist to get a refill on birth control asap. Then my theory is, when he is so cute again an hour later, that babies and children just act like that to not be “killed by their parents”. If you have kids, don’t you think that this is the case as some point? And of course I thought that anybody who ever told me how bad it could be with babies, toddlers and whatnot are all liars. They exaggerate and these are just horror-stories. So, le husband looked at me and  said, “Definitely, YES! We should have another baby. Even two more. We still are a triangle, even with a second one! We can do it all over again. I would love to!” I on the other hand am constantly thinking, analyzing, talking and undecided about the whole deal. One day I am full force into having another baby. This feeling like, “Yeah, piece of cake, we can do this. This is what I want!” And the other day more like, “Yeah, maybe this is all good the way it is!” 

Fact is, there is no right timing, really. And whenever I thought NOW was the time to have petit Joel, it did not work. Whenever I thought that I don’t really care anymore if I ever get pregnant: Bam! Well, to be completely honest here, let’s wait and see. I don’t rush anything, I don’t go crazy about this pregnancy thing and see what happens. It is all good, no stress.  In any case, most of the time I would love being pregnant again, to experience birth one more time. All these stages of parenting and going through them together with le husband [even though he is on mission a lot] sounds fantastic and romantic. 

This conversation led us straight to the next one. Le husband said to “appreciate the things in life we already have and that the way things happened so far are just so insane and fantastic.” How we met, our background, and if one little piece would have been removed we possible would have never met. Would have never gotten married, never had our son and never seen and done all these things together as a couple.

The day we met, I overslept. I never ever oversleep. I rushed to work, which is just across the street. Le husband was also in a hurry to get to work; however, he was not late. I ran down the stairs, and so did he. The distance between us, most likely 10 meters. While I ran through the garage in the basement I lost my Burberry scarf but did not realize it right away. When I did, I turned around to run back but he already picked it up, smiled and handed it back to me. This was the first time we saw each other, even tough we worked in the same department for quite some time. I looked at him and nothing mattered anymore. Time, changing into my uniform and getting ready to work seemed all so far away. Time stood still, as still as it was when our son was born. As still as it was when we got married. 

Maybe it is just a somewhat universal collective sense of some new beginnings and changes in our life. Or maybe this family of mine is ready to move on. Move on to new adventures. The winds seems to change. Some sort of potential is growing and making me see some light to keep my dreams moving forward. Some great adventures are in store for us, it seems getting clearer and clearer. Le husband and I have managed to fit so much into almost five years of being together. These years have been the most lively, awakening and progressive in my life. These years have been filled with tons of laughter, strength and learning. He is the best partner for any adventure – my partner in crime. And of course, love. Always love. Unconditional. 

What do you all think? When did you know you only wanted one child, or two, three? Or none? I would love to hear from you. 

Hello and Happy Saturday! 

I arrived in the city early last night. Enough time to stroll around in some vintage stores before I met my friends to discuss books and so much more. Should I make a little visit to my favorite local bookstore? Why not. While I walked through the isles and browsed shelves upon shelves of awesomeness I overheard a conversation that an elderly couple right next to me had. Both seemed angry, cold and tired – I would even say somewhat deeply irritated with each other. There was just some sort of rage in the air between those two, there would be simply no mercy found in this conversations. I moved on because this is clearly not my business but in a way I felt sad for both of them. 

I left the bookstore to sit in the sun for a bit when I saw another couple screaming and yelling at each other at the market place about clothing and makeup the woman purchased. “What a waste of my money and my time, “the husband/boyfriend screamed. The woman looked sad, carried her bags and walked behind him while she straightened her hijab. Everybody has something different and special going on. Some have a rough day, some are angry about the weather, about their husband or wife or about the train and bus schedule. There is nothing I can do to help these people. They were so deep in their anger and frustration that they did not even realize that I was there. So I got up and walked to the restaurant when I saw one more person approaching me, tears in his eyes, head down and sad. I looked at him and I smiled. And he smiled back. It seemed as if some spell had been lifted, his face lit up and he laughed. 

We do live in a hard world and I realize that it is sometimes difficult to be and act like an human being. Many of us have bad days – some even have a bad days that last for several years. Depression. We all struggle and fail. We lose friends, jobs, love, faith or whatever it is. You watch the news and you see horrible things happening. You might think what will happen next. Sometimes it feels like there is just complete darkness and everything is negative and it is pulling down. Then I thought that I might be the light. What if I was the light of this man who walked so sad and lonely and I smiled at him? I think this somehow helps me to realize that when everything seems to go wrong and the world appears to be so negative and I ask myself, “What can I do to make this situation better, or how can I be the light in this persons life or in my own life?” there will be an answer if I just stay positive and look for it. 

Of course I know that unfortunately I cannot end wars, solve global warming or find a cure for Aids and I cannot control drug trafficking.  But, I do have some influence on people I meet and speak to. Even though we might never remember each others names but we remember how we behaved towards each other. Within human society it is all contagious, our anger and our sadness but even more so our generosity and patience. We do have so much influence but mostly we are not aware of it and therefore don’t realize it. It does not matter who you are, what you do or where you are.  It also does not matter how crazy or tough your life situations might be or seem. I just think you can make a change and illuminate this world you live in. I think that this is the only way who anything can every be illuminated. One smile at a time. Food for thought. Think about it. 

Hello and Happy Wednesday!

Whenever I want to do good things in this world I have to start by being my biggest fan first. 

I remember the time when I was seven years old and we had to prepare an art project in school. We were supposed to built a house made out of paper rolls. Yep, sounds simple but it was not. In the end there was a prize that the student with the best house could win. I worked hard on this project for days. I was totally into building it. Slowly the house looked pretty awesome. I built and built. I remember we had two weeks to finish it and bring it to class. I even made a tiny door with a handle to open and close it. Perfection! I painted the entire little house in brown, painted the window frames in black and did not forget about to give some color to the  chimney. Well, the house was done. 

I took my house proudly to school the next day. I knew deep inside I would have the best house no matter what – that I would win. I worked so hard. I looked around in the classroom and almost all of my classmates brought in their projects. Some did not do finish it for whatever reason. I did not care really. And while looking around I could see that their houses were not even close to what mine looked like.

There is always one person in class that nobody like(s)d for several reasons. He was a bully, liked to beat us up and make us feel bad. He was also one year older than us and he always thought he was something special. Better than the rest in one way or another. However, he was not. He was lazy, rude, always came late to class and never did his homework. But today, he came to class with the most beautiful tiny house project I have ever seen. He carried it proudly and put it in front of him on his desk. 

My best friend back then whispered secretly in my ear that she “likes my house way better and that someone definitely built this house for him. He does not even know how to tie his shoes”.  He won. The teacher gave him the 1st Prize for his house. I got nothing. I was devastated because the teacher even asked him if someone helped him and the classmate-bully answered that his dad helped him “a bit”. I cried at home, not in school. I was so proud of myself and my little house. I worked so hard. Put everything into it. 

Eventually I learned to just accept the fact that others might get certain things in life before I get them. Undeserved sometimes, through connections or whatever else the reason is. I realized that I am okay the way I am and learned to love myself even though I might not be able to build the best house and win the prize. It has been a hard battle, but I won it eventually. I love who I am and what I am able to make and create. It is important to realize that because it is easy to all turn into a prison whenever I give too much power to things that I cannot change and question my own ability to accomplish things. I worried that I am not enough. That what I made is not enough after the classmate-bully won the contest. I was seven years old. 

I learned that I know what I am capable of and that if I walk into a room I love who I am while I carry the little house I built. I am a fan of myself. 

[On a little side-note while talking about art:  This is my amazing artist friend Mischa who let my son play with paint and brushes today. I will write an entire article on him and his artwork soon. His work is fantastic. Stay tuned]