.SOMETIMES RAW.

Are you able to be in a relationship with a chronic liar? Short answer: No. Absolutely not. But then again, this sounds so judgemental, closed-minded, or maybe even absolutely right. So I will say: probably not.

I grew up an inherently trusting child and teenager but later on in my life I befriended people with almost every personality disorder there is. The narcissistic, liars, nihilists, psychopaths, schizophrenics, especially paranoid men, etc. all glued to me as if I were free ice cream. I would like to think it was because I was naturally void of judgment. I used to accept others for who they were, regardless of negative tendencies without endorsing change. But ultimately, I know now that it was just naivety and toxicity. Choosing to accept or ignore something negative does not make it void, it just makes me really good at being an accomplice. So in my 20s, I forgave others, and in my 30s, I spent time forgiving myself.

I think over time, it is more than healthy to have self-reflection in any capacity and to simply examine my choices so history does not repeat itself. With that being said, I have given up defending myself a long time ago, mostly because my opinion does not have to suit anyone’s needs but my own.

Now, I would like to note that most people are liars, inherently so. I don’t mean to sound pessimistic, it is just that many don’t realize that some small things they say are actually lies. A culture shock for me was when I first arrived in New York and people asked me how I am. I would tell them how I am in every detail and wondered why nobody is interested. Saying you are fine when your emotions are as emo as a teenager whose parents just told him he cannot go to the latest comic-con, is also a lie. But, these aren’t’ the types of lies that are up for debate here. It is the chronic liars, the toxic ones when you actually question everything they say because of their strong allergy to being truthful. Examples would be when someone tells you they have a 164 IQ or killed 15 people with their bare arms.

With this being said, and while the honesty-challenged population may be on the outs, I am not so closed-minded to assume lies are all toxic. Delicate liars for example who are so naive as Snow White and best known for singing with animals, eating strangers’ poisoned apples, and trying to spare my feelings at all cost are the most unwitting liars. Then, of course, there are the social liars who buy a big expensive car for example because they think this is a status symbol because only “the rich” can afford it. Those are the same people who spend summers on the moon, winters in Iceland, and hang out in Morocco in between. They are investing in property somewhere while buying a pilot leather jacket and the cool pilot glasses and even think about purchasing a property with a landing strip because one day they will have a fucking small plane to land it on. Those are my favorite liars. Those who think they have bajillion dollars but use ten credit cards instead.

Then there are the occasional liars, who lie from necessity or opportunity to look good for whatever reason. We are all human, I get it. And while lies may originate from boredom, protection, self-hate, self-love, all of the above or none of the above, it just sucks even though it initially may not come from an intentional negative space.

Friendship and lies. Webster dictionary defines, a friend as 1.) a person who has a strong liking for and trust in another person. 2.) a person who is not an enemy friend or foe. The second part of the definition is merely an antonym (thank you Webster), and the first part holds a little more weight. I think that you can have a strong liking for a person, sure, but without trust can it really be a friendship? I know someone who faked being happy in a marriage for months and cheated on his wife while having pretend fights with her and pretend make-ups. He faked love and everything else, too. Well, she faked several pregnancies for the sake of continuity (?) and to keep him. Lies about almost everything.

Some people need lies as a form of escapism or self-esteem. I do not want to call it regret, even though it is doing a fine job masking itself as such. I wish I would have called it out from the beginning and every point than on but I did not. There are just a lot of toxic personalities out there and I like the feeling that some people in my life have not won with their perpetuating, unhealthy, sick behavior.

Ultimately, if a person constantly tells lies they probably have established chronic tendencies naturally. Then I begin to question if they are even lying when they are telling the truth. By definition, this is not a healthy relationship or friendship because you are simply an audience; a spectator at a performance. I feel Nietsche said it best, “I am not upset that you lied to me, I am upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”

Google defines cliché as “a phrase or opinion that is overused and betrays a lack of original thought,” which is why starting this piece with a definition makes me want to fire myself. I have a lot of opinions about clichés in that I believe most are objectively bad, many are annoyingly true, and a few are real diamonds in the rough. In this piece, I want to get into clichéd language. The topic of cliches has been on my mind since I read about the project The Afterglow; a totally charming exploration of still-operational New York institutions, places, and people.

It got me thinking about what I would want to write about if I contributed, and after a couple of days I realized that most of my ideas had a lot to do with, of course, language. As a writer, I love to listen to people and this is why I write at a café or bar because these are places for great observations.

Every place offers its own classic scenario: from local families celebrating birthdays, to financial meetings to a couple slurping spaghetti with meat sauce while the wife stares sadly in the middle distance looking for the exit sign. Maybe these people have constructed an airtight facade to protect themselves from questions or simply to advertise some message about what they would love to talk about if someone would stop and listen. Maybe they are just lonely. But, if you label someone a cliché, it does not mean you are right, or particularly perceptive. It means you have not bothered to do the work of finding out what lies deeper.

“They are not clichés, they are hard-barked people in retreat from the sweetness of their souls” – Amy Hempel

Writing is usually a lonely pursuit, and clichés are the brief moments during which our need to be unique is trumped by our need to be understood. After all, I am not a linguist right, right? – elbow into the side to make sure we are all on the same page here. I am sitting at a restaurant with a glass of Chinati and octopus fusilli, and clichés are exactly what I am into and all around me. Let’s unpack some word clichés that are my favorite while I order my second glass.

“Can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” Yes, you can but what is better than an old dog? Tricks are for show-offs anyway. But in any case, this cliché works well when my nephew tries to teach me how to use Snapchat.

“Don’t go to bed angry.” I think this is a mediocre cliché because as advice, it sucks. Not because it does not contain some valuable advice, but when that advice does not suit the situation, valuable sleep is lost at the hands of something inconsequential. Like when it is 11.30 pm and a male friend tells me that The Notebook is his favourite movie of all times.

“Time flies when you are having fun.” I think this cliché is just plain truth but rude and fails for displeasing me on a personal level.

“He is a bad egg.” A fun and useful cliché indeed. What’s a more visceral metaphor than a single egg cracked in a carton of otherwise perfectly smooth ones? I think this cliché does a lot of work in four words, with the additive charm of comparing people to eggs. I know some bad eggs.

“Sitting around with my thumb up my ass.” Isn’t this a nightmare and truely the worst cliché? Please don’t make me think about your thumb lodged in your rectum. It is also very okay to just say you were simply doing nothing.

“See the forest for the trees.” I use this cliché a lot with my son and every time I say it I trip up on the word “for” because my (German) mouth wants to say “through” which makes no sense. I looked up the etymology and it apparently dates back to the 16th century when some guy named Haywood wrote: “Plentie is nodeintie, ye see not your owne ease. I see, ye can not see the wood for trees.” (Sigh). Per this website, this expression could be read as, “Cannot see the forest because of the trees, “which might be the first time I have acutally understood it.

I am done with my wine and pasta. I want my cake and eat it too but I don’t drink like a fish or go bananas because I am cool like a cucumber. This is why I am going home now because I still have bigger fish to fry. Make sure you take all this with a grain of salt.

A friend told me the other day, “It seems like you always know what is right. You are so strong and you will figure things out in the end.” It seems like it, dear friend, but I do not always know either. Of course, I don’t have the answer to everything but I can admit that. Half of the time I sit down and draw a complete blank but I love feeling my way in the dark, grasping into the void for the things that make sense to me. And I love to look back on difficult times in my life when I felt I did not know anything and remembering what that felt like. Someone whom I love very much said to me, “You just told me what you think. Now tell me how you fell.” The closest thing that felt like feelings to me were more like longings: I wanted a cottage at the lake and watch the sunset. I wanted to sip a beer at the fireplace while sitting in a comfortable lounge chair. I wanted to be surrounded by beautiful things and most importantly, I wanted to be loved.

I had many friends who I liked and a job I liked most of the time. I used to say that I felt grateful for my job, but I didn’t feel grateful. I just knew I should feel grateful for it. I had boyfriends who were nice; I thought I was probably lucky to have them. I didn’t always feel lucky, though. So I got a new boyfriend, and I felt a little luckier, but I still didn’t really know what love is.

I never really know what the future holds for me but I can predict it to some extent. At some point, I wanted a house. Then I wanted a child, then I wanted to get married but just having a child and getting married sounded pretty horrible. I loved some of my boyfriends, I really did but I never thought they can make good husbands or fathers to my child. Actually, being their girlfriend sounded pretty terrible, too. But maybe I was just too negative. I just wasn’t sure. My gut told me no. My problem was that I felt plenty of things but never really trusted my own feelings to guide me. Asking an ex too many questions would mean an argument so it was easier to say nothing because that way at least I would feel safe and secure and nothing would have to change. But this just led to me not trusting myself, because I was mad for not bringing up the subjects that bothered me the most. I also learned not to give myself a hard time about every goddamn thing under the sun. I just think, “I am here, trying. I am a person who tries my best. I do what I fucking can. It is okay to just try.” I teach my son the same.

When I started to accept all this, I was initially overcome with feelings. I sometimes burst into tears but this is a beautiful thing. I thought, ” I am feeling really sad right now, and weak, and beat, and lost, and that is not just okay; it is good. It is exactly how I need to feel in this moment and the sadness does not make me weak. I just find my way in the dark.”

Uncertainty and vulnerability are the guides through this life we are all living. It is a good thing because leaning into not knowing will bring more knowledge and wisdom and understanding than I ever dreamed of. Being truthful and open and honest with yourself means letting in those scary emotions and noticing the angry self-talk and embracing all of it.

What does not feeling and excepting your feelings lead to? It throws you into a defensive, self-attacking stance which sucks because you are miserable, angry and uncomfortable with your own self. This in combination with negative self-talk and powering down of emotions is toxic and can lead to depression.

So, I follow my uncertainty and fear into the darkness, I accept that the darkness will always be a part of me. I am just a person who does not know all the answers and I don’t know what the future will bring but I can close my eyes anytime to feel how good it is to be alive, how good it feels just to breathe. Life is not about knowing but about feeling your way through the dark. I don’t say, “this should be lighter by now, ” because this means I am shutting myself off from my own happiness. I let the darkness be present even if this means that I have to get on my knees to crawl through it. Then I say, “Holy s*** it is dark but look at me crawling. I can crawl like a motherfucker.”