Charmed By The Worm

Hello and Happy Monday! 

“On a day
when the wind is perfect,
the sail just needs to open and the world is full of beauty.
Today is such a
day.” – Rumi

Today was a Holiday in Germany and my family and I spent the afternoon in Ahorn at the Alte Schäferei. This place is so awesome. This farm had been used as a sheep farm dating back to 1615. Now they have old farming tools and so much more on display at the museum. Every year there are different events and the pottery market/fair is around the second weekend in May. There are other little stands as well such as a soap seller, locally produced linseed oil stand, handmade rings, glass artwork and so much more. Definitely worth a trip! 

However, we took my son. He is 2 1/2 years old and a handful these days. He was terrible this afternoon. One of those days when I wished for a minute or two that I would have taken that birth control pill way back when. He was out of his mind, running around [pottery!!!!], screaming, not listing and in the end crying. H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E! Le husband took over to chase and run after him. For a second I thought about this: “Inside the chaos, build a temple of love.” -Rune Lazuli but then I realized that I am not really able to do just that. Usually, I am running on a short fuse and explode easily. I was angry, screamed and yelled back at him and the situation got worse. The more I scream, he screams. My husband looked at me and told me that I am exactly like him at this point. Initially, I was even angrier but then it made me think about how marriage changes once you have a child. We both try to do the best for him, give everything, try to make it all work. Make him learn, listen and whatnot, but both with different approaches. I am with my son most of the time and I know him pretty well by now. I know what freaks him out, what makes him happy and what things cause a nuclear meltdown. And since I know all this and whenever life gives me lemons when he is losing his mind, I should just grab my Burberry coat, put on my Chanel lipstick and wander through Coburg enjoying myself like I own this place, right? 

When I observed how le husband deals with our son on a daily basis, now that he is here in Germany, it makes me wonder if I could ever be like him. Be consistent and simply don’t give up or don’t give in and don’t let him be the king of the family. When I walk with my son to the bakery he is usually pretty good. He stops at the street, waits for me and stays with me. There are other days, too. But I saw le husband and my son walk to the bakery the other day, hand in hand, my son looked left and right before he crossed the street and I wondered what I am doing wrong. Or maybe it is just because he is not around that much and my son respects him more? Do we establish rules for a lifetime with him already? Does he remember these things we teach him now? 

I do know that petit Joel does certain things to please me and to make me happy. I also know that he does certain things to hurt me. But usually I feel when I tell him something he agrees to it but with le husband I have the feeling that my son knows he MUST obey. Weird! Maybe it is a men-thing, maybe not. It is our duty and responsibility to raise our son to our ideals and what we believe in as well as saying the right thing at the right time sometimes.

I was sick yesterday. It might have been the weather – it is so cold in Germany these days, or the wind at Wartburg Castle that we visited on Sunday. I sat in the kitchen at night and felt that I am getting sick. My head and my entire body hurt, my throat even more and my nose was stuffed. So I just closed my eyes for a couple of seconds and curled up in my arms on the table. Petit Joel sat next to me and ate his dinner. I felt so weak, had a temperature and just wanted to fall asleep right there on the spot. My son said, “Mommy, open your eyes, Mommy. It is not …. so bad. Everything …. be okay!” While he said that he touched and stroked my arm and leaned forward to give me a kiss. I felt so much better realizing that he loves me. That he, no matter how he behaves sometimes, is so cute and loving. He does not intentionally want to make me feel bad. He loves me and he is exactly like I knew he would be when he was still this little tiny worm growing up in my womb building his personalty. And yes, I was so dead on. He is loving, caring, curious and so gentle and connected. And even though he has his little tantrums, he is peaceful. Every single morning he wakes up happy and he stares deep into people’s eyes. My grandfather was here the other day and when I saw both together, playing ( 2 1/2 years vs. 87 years!!!) I felt this overwhelming sense of peace while patiently continuing to raise my son waiting to meet this man he will become one day. 

“The only cure to all this madness; is too dream, far and wide. If possibility doesn’t knock, create a damn door. If the shoe doesn’t fit, don’t make it. If the journey you’re travelling seems to far fetched and wild beyond your imagination; continue on it. Great things come to the risk takers. And last but not least, live today; here, right now, you’ll thank your future self for it later.”
-Nikki Rowe