.SOMETIMES RAW.

My friend no longer remembers how or when the table leg broke, she just knows that it has been months since it happened. This means that is has been months since her husband said he would fix it. And every time she tries to remind him about it, she hears the echoes of thousand soap-opera- wives nagging their husbands to fix things. She could fix the leg herself, she is fully capable, but it is a matter of principle now, so she refuses. It is currently stacked up on Ernest Hemingway’s A Farewell to Arms (my heart bleeds), which seems as good a solution as any. Apart from, you know, fixing it. During a recent argument about who-can-remember-what, she yelled out something along the lines of: “You are asking me to trust you, but you have been saying you are going to fix that table leg for HOW long now?” “You think I am untrustworthy because of a table?” he yelled back. “You would think I cheated on you or something!” “Wait, I didn’t say anything about cheating, ” she said. [This could turn into another screenplay I think!]

I have been thinking a lot about that exchange lately, and what it says about how trust is built and understood in relationships. Not just romantic ones, but friendships, familial relationships, and professional ones, too. What do we really need in order to trust someone?

I read Gary Chapman’s 1995 bestseller “The Five Love Languages” many years ago. When this book got published, the concept of love language has gone mainstream and found its way into countless shows and discussions. The idea that questions like “Have you eaten?” or comments like “Don’t forget your umbrella!” can be accurately translated as “I love you” has historically seemed too obvious to me to merit further analysis, but I had not thought much about applying the love language concept to trust. Fixing the table leg would have fallen under Chapman’s “Acts of Service” category for ways of expressing love, I guess.

Categories? Chapman suggests five love languages in his theory: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. (You can take the quiz here!) I read the book so I would say my friend’s husband would be Words of Affirmation and Quality Time, whereas hers would be Acts of Service. But does it work to apply them this way? I am rather skeptical when it comes to those “quizzes” even though they seem interesting. And are acts of service necessary to build trust? Did my friend really not trust her husband because he hadn’t fixed the table?

Short answer: Yeah, kinda. But to say “I don’t trust my husband” – or even to think it – feels wrong. To me, lack of trust is a marriage-ender or at least a serious warning sign. To me, love cannot exist without trust! However, if you asked me to make a list of people I love, it would be much longer than the list of people I trust. Love can happen unintentionally, but can trust? Not so much. Almost everyone I know has had some sort of a table-leg or cashmere sweater fight. But haven’t we made a lot of progress in our understanding of love and hasn’t Erich Fromm showed us The Art of Loving? The Disney-version of a magical force that rewards perfect beings with perfect partners and terminally happy endings leaves its fingerprints on all of us. But we have to acknowledge that love is hard and not a state of grace to be achieved and forever enjoyed if we don’t do something for and about it. So, here is another question: If we can acknowledge that love is a verb and something that we can choose to cultivate or neglect, then why shouldn’t the same be possible for trust?

If you ever had a relationship of any length, you probably won’t be surprised to hear that the fight about the table leg was not actually about the table leg. If you didn’t, let me enlighten you so you will learn for life. It is the fight about the object or obligation that has become so fraught with emotional baggage that it no longer makes logical sense and needs some work in order for the real issue to be revealed. Applying this knowledge to my friend’s “table- leg-situation”, the fight was not about cheating but because she told him the neglected table leg eroded her trust in him, and if the trust was the issue, then his fidelity must be in question. She hasn’t questioned his loyalty, she just wanted him to do the thing he said he was going to do. Clearly, they weren’t speaking the same language, but at least they knew they were both talking about trust.

With all this in mind, I did some reading, mindfulness, and meditation to find solutions that I can apply to my life. People, of course, have their own definitions of everything, including trust. Culture and how we are raised are a big part of how we understand trust, as well as individual understandings, the society around us, and personal values all play into our personal definitions. From my experience, to build more trust in relationships, self-knowledge is a necessary step. By looking at past relationships I can see a pattern. Usually, all my relationships started to deteriorate when someone lied or tried to hide things (like the cellphone is epoxied to the partner and he constantly writes with others but makes a secret out of it).

Of course, my experience is not the only one that matters. Neither is my definition of things and situations. It is important to figure out what the other person needs to build trust, and is willing to invest in the relationship. I also realize I have to do a lot more work in fully trusting again. But I know someone who is worth it.

I asked my Mum, what happens if everything falls apart. What if I lose everything? I’ll always remember her response: “Well, nobody gave you what you got now. You worked for what you have. Wipe away your tears and believe that you can work for it again.”

I am so sick of hearing people complain about “perfection”. Your blog is perfect! Your life is perfect! With my blog, I would like to show real life. I won’t sugar-coat things and talk about how important fashion is. I rather talk about life and struggles and that things are not perfect. No one sets up any wrong expectations other than the person with those expectations themselves. People do not owe each other to be less perfect than they are, just so other people wouldn’t feel so bad about themselves. When will people stop being so easily offended and stop feeling, like they don’t need to measure up? Get some self-confidence and self-esteem! If somebody says something bad to or about me, and as a response, I feel bad about it, then I’ve given away control of my feelings to that other person. All of a sudden I’ve communicated “Hey you, here’s the passport to my life, and how I feel about my day. Feel free to ruin it.”

If your parents did not do their job instilling in you that you are amazing as long as you work hard at what you do, then do that for your self. Read some books, talk to a therapist, but stop blaming others, family, friends for your own feelings of inadequacy. Personally, I am generally very happy with myself and my life even though it is not perfect. Nothing ever is. I have been through a rough time, too and I set new priorities. But what I don’t do is, hating people for having what I don’t have. You know why? I know my limitations and I also know my priorities. That does not make me feel inferior to anyone for one second. I just realize that I cannot do certain things right now and I accept that.

There are many people who write better, take better pictures and have other superior styles. There are people who are better at all things that I think I am good at, and I often look at their results wistfully knowing I will never be that good. And I am okay with that. As long as I am happy within myself and with the circumstances, it is all good. I have achieved big things in the last couple of months and I am proud of that. Usually, hard work, intelligence, insightfulness are credited for such success but what is often overlooked is the capacity to deal with the uncertain, the uncomfortable, and the uncontrollable. Be unafraid of the uncertain. Instead of hiding when challenged or uncomfortable, choose to seek out the confrontation.

“When you’re uncomfortable, you will learn. When you’re uncomfortable, you’ll grow. I learned early on that I’m only growing and learning when I’m uncomfortable. Yes, it can feel awful, but I think it’s good because it means I’m learning something. I may not always know what I’m learning, but I’m learning something.” – a friend

I have learned that life is all about striving to be your best self, as opposed to your perfect self. It is about learning to believe in yourself and to understand that whatever comes your way you will be able to handle it. Some people are driven by fear, others by trust but you can deal with whatever comes your way. Keep that in mind. Knowing that you will be able to handle it means that you can face uncertainty and instead of being afraid of it, you can look at it as an opportunity. You cannot control what happens, but you can control how you think about it all. Trusting uncertainty means that while we may not be able to control what happens to us, we can control our response to it.

“The only thing you can control in your life is how you respond to a situation. Literally, everything else is outside your control. If you realizee that, yes, maybe certain circumstances may be pushing you to respond in a certain way but, at the end of the day, you have the choice.” – the same friend; he is pretty smart

Guess what? Ultimately, taking control of your response to any situations is what builds resilience. How can I look at this in a way that is positive? How can I make the most of the situation even if it is terrible? When we think about how often we replay a conversation in our minds, how often we worry about what other people think of us, how often we try to please and appease, it’s astonishing how much of ourselves we place in the hands of others. Of course, this doesn’t mean that we should be sheltered from criticism or hide from confrontation. Think about the feedback that you’re given, and think about it critically. But then at the end of the day, you choose how you want to respond. You choose what you let into your life.

This too shall pass. The other side to uncertainty is the knowledge that whether something is good or bad, nothing lasts forever. Again, people look at my life, and they think it has been awesome so far. Let me tell you, it has not. I think the only thing that I can say is that I always try to make the best of every situation. Whatever it may be, this too shall pass, especially if we think deeply about our attitude towards something. At any moment, anything can happen and anything can change. Living our lives consciously and diliberately is a choice what we take, and a choice that is very powerful. And difficult experiences can make for the greatest stories afterall.

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches they find that they are one tree and not two.” – Captain Corelli’s Mandolin by Louis de Bernieres

I spoke to a close friend a couple of days ago who has been dating her boyfriend for quite some time now. She told me that her mom asked her recently, “Have you said, “I love you’ yet?” She inquired hopefully, like children waiting for a baby bird to hatch. “No, “she reported, “We have not.”

“Have you said it yet? Still nothing?” friends follow up days later, over coffee. To be clear, she was not concerned about this. But apparently, everyone else was. However and after the upteenth negative update, she started to feel like her relationship was a failure, when, by all other benchmarks, she would classify it as the best she had ever known. Her “friends” didn’t ask if this person showed up for her, or if he had the patience to get to know her partiular quirks. They did not ask if his presence brought her peace or if they made up songs that no one else would find funny. They didn’t ask if she felt safe or comfortable or like the truest version of herself. [For the record, the answer to all those questions is: YES!]

More saliently, nobody asked if she FELT loved. They only asked if she heard I love you yet. Is this one phrase the barometer by which one measures the progress of a relationship? And why, in our contemporary culture, is speaking it (versus actually demonstrating it) so very important?

After my recent divorce, these are many questions I have thought about over the last year. In my experience, it is clear that “love” is a word with too many interpretations. For some, it refers to an emotion, more of an “I adore you, ” or a declaration of infatuation. For others, it is a sign of commitment, weighed heavily and with care. Some think they really are just words, as informal as “I will call you, ” and just as easy to disregard. Or simply something you have to say at the end of a conversation.

I do not watch the Bachelor (or any TV at all for that matter) but I read in some magazine at the doctor’s office that contestants are known to say things like, “I can totally see myself maybe someday falling in love with you.” That is at least three generations removed from an emotion and definitely not a promise of care. Yet, time and again, they foretell that this all-important thing is totally maybe someday coming and lets their lover loose hope.

I know people who say “I love you” as early as a second date. And then it is this awkward silence when your partner does not say it back and you are all nervous about what comes next. There is just something about saying those three little words that marks a transition in the relationship between two people. Are you expected to keep saying I love you after you said it once? The thing is that you usually don’t break up with someone you just started to love, no? In an ideal world, usually saying I love you means you are all in. But what is ideal? Many also fear the me becoming a we. I believe love is more than a feeling and something that needs to be protected. It is a choice that needs to be made consistently. What does this word love actually mean?

Bell Hooks writes, “The word ‘love’ is most often defined as a noun, yet all the more astute theorists agree that we would all love better if we used it as a verb.” Kind of like, love is as love does, not as love says? So, if the real meaning of love is action, why are we so hung up on this damn phrase? What I have learned so far and how I define love in 38 years on this planet is: Hey, you, I love myself unconditionally. I see you, I accept you, and I will do whatever I can to make your life better because I value your presence in mine.

Mostly, love is felt before it is being said anyway and there are so many other ways to communicate one’s feelings. Considering myself being a language-nerd, we all may share common words, but each of us speaks their own unique language. And sometimes, if we are really lucky, we can find someone who understands us.