“People talk a lot when someone is dying. They talk as if the person is already dead. Maybe it’s the first step of the healing process for those inevitably left behind. And maybe you have already started the process by pulling a few steps away from us. The frail…
“He who has no house will not build one now. He who is alone will be alone for some time. Will be wakeful, will read, will write long letters and will wander restlessly along the lanes when the leaves fall.” – Rainer Maria Rilke (originally…
I always had this dream that I would write a book, if only a small one, that would carry one way, into a realm that could not be measured nor even remembered. I imagined a lot of things but overall I love to write. I would dwell bareheaded and a summit turning a wheel what would turn the earth and undetected, amongst the clouds, I would have some influence and be of some avail or change. Everything contained in this book is true and written just like it was. The writing of it drew me from my strange build-up lethargy and I figured that in some measure it will fill the reader with a vague and curious joy. Let’s begin.
I worked on my manuscript for years and knew it needed a lot of work since English is not my first language. Systematic Functional Linguistics taught me that even the Theme and Rheme (the part of the clause in which the Theme is developed) is sometimes reversed in German.
Do you want to publish a book? The first thing is to write an official proposal and send it to publishers. At least this is how it is done in the U.S. and Canada. The proposal is a document telling the publishers about myself, the book I want to write, some sample chapters or essays, the audience I target, pictures, biography etc. Of course, I hoped this was something I can spit out in an afternoon. I looked at samples publishing proposals online and I was blown away: they were asking for 80-90 pages that won’t go into the book and actually are supposed to be mainly about myself. Isn’t the proposal a book in itself then? Anyway, I started typing. What initially sounded like boring schoolwork turned out to be so much fun. With a tight schedule at school, I usually worked on the proposal at night or on weekends. I felt like my creativity just popped off again whenever I started to work on it. Overall, I had a lovely time. I was done in about four weeks and after a bit of back and forth and correcting my “charming English” I sent it off to publishers in the U.S. and Canada. Since I am not a Canadian citizen, I cannot publish my book here in Canada, however, I do have resident status in the U.S. so I targeted publishers there.
If you are a new author, sending out proposals can be a devastating time (almost as annoying as sending out job applications waiting for a response). All I initially received were rejections. “It sounds good, but ….”, or “We are sorry, but….” were usually the answers I got. Then one publisher said that my book sounds great and they would like to publish it. Usually, when a publisher agrees to publish a book, they give you a timeframe when you have to hand in your first draft or when the bulk of the work needs to be done. Since my manuscript was written already, I of course needed to edit it which was so much work. My publisher mentioned that I need to change many sentences and structures and came back with the copy editors notes. Changing 80% to his suggestions but he said just keep your “German style” in the rest for “personality reasons”. ” It makes the book more charming. We do not want to take the German out of you”, he said. So the book has 30% of Daniela/German-ism in it, be aware. 😉
I quickly realized that I have to do most of the work at night because I was in school full time and have a 5-year-old son who wants to be entertained. A book project like this takes up mental and even physical time. I knew that I can manage it since I have done so many other complicated projects in half the time and writing is my passion. I actually was not worried at all. All I had to do was to add up a million ideas that I have in my head in a cohesively and coherent way.
When the writing is done, the font of the text is next. The publisher gives you several options and suggests what works best. Then the publisher works with you on the design of the book. I wanted a picture that my friend Judith Lockett took as my front cover. The rest of the book was designed by the publishing company. I emphasized that the ecstatic of the book is important to me and that the book, in the end, represents me and what I am all about.
My first book was out. If you had told me this ten years ago, I never would have believed you. I wrote since I learned the alphabet.
What I love most about writing? That I can be creative. I baked about a million inside jokes into the text, created mean fantasy boyfriends named Gabriel, many lovely characters but also evil witches. Mining the contents of my memory makes the writing process so much more fun. Sometimes I can just write and have no idea where this all came from. When I have a very good day, I can write for hours which almost feels like blacking out it pushes me in sort of trance.
“You have just published a book. This is amazing and a success, ” my friend S. told me when I said that my life was a disaster last summer. Well, she is right. I am proud of myself but I also realize that most books do not earn back the expense it takes to produce them. Writing a book is not fancy. I mean, I am not J.K. Rowling, Stephen King, or Andre Alexis (His new book coming out on February 19th!) who probably make the majority of money for publishers while every other book ends up shortly on the Chapters “80% off-sad-pile” close to the washrooms. Honestly, I am glad my book is published and I do not care too much about how many copies I sell. This may be weird to some but to have the book on the shelf in the store means so much more to me. Success for me is when I feel immersed in my work and that I am getting better at it.
Lastly, I want to add that reading and writing is equally important to me. I know that I become a better writer by reading more. I read everything I can get my hands on, some voices that are similar to mine and voices that could not be more different, such as Hemingway. I read a chapter in a book on Quantum Physics on my friend’s kitchen table while waiting for coffee and then asked him 10,000 questions, a memoir by Elizabeth Hay or poetry: The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T. S. Eliot. Read. Read. Read.
And then, I get very quiet, sit at my desk and let my own voice speak. I take a deep breath and start typing. My best essays usually come when I am not forcing it and trust my instincts. I work on launching my new book project “What If This Is Enough” for fun before sending out proposals to publishers on www.kickstarter.com soon if you would like to check it out.
Let’s say my eccentric brother Thomas would give me $20,000 for my birthday. There is only one catch. I have to invest the money for six years with one of two IT companies my brother suggests. Company A is super well respected all over the…
“We are all just walking each other home.” — Ram Dass Oh’ Canada and your insane freezing cold. The other day, my son and I walked to school and avoided frost bites in our face with ski masks and scarves. “You have to embrace the cold, ”…
“When you can’t look on the bright side, I will sit in the dark with you” — Alice in Wonderland
Death is part of life and a completely natural process. There is nothing to be afraid of, right? “I don’t want to live anymore”, one of my grandfathers said many years ago. The other one said, “Let happen what happens. I am old and had a good life”. Both of my grandfathers were very resilient to this point in their life; they are in their 90s. One was very puissant back in the days being a photographer for a big German company. He never gave up photography either which was amazing. The other one loved to roll around with us on the floor, sing songs, tell stories and build caves and forts with blankets.
I am going through a very rough time these days and need to write some of this pain I experience off my chest. Without going into too much detail about what happened but both of my grandfathers are about to pass away. Strangely, they were both admitted to the hospital almost on the same day which was devastating even though sort of expected. One grandfather has been ill for quite some time but the other one was okay. “I am so confused in my head and I feel this dull pain; I am not sure where I am,” one grandfather used to say when he still recognized Joel and I. My grandmother thought back then that he had already escaped. And so did we. Nothing was the same anymore and things drastically slowed down. My grandparents usually call me once a week and every time I spoke to either of them I heard their voices a wee bit smaller to the point where my grandmothers took care of all the talking. Watching a loved one suffer through pain and agony is horrible. “Grandpa is sleeping most of the day now because he is very tired and cannot be on the phone”, my grandmother said.
When I found out a couple of weeks ago that they are both hospitalized, I was full of premature grief. Or was it grief in anticipation? I am 8000 km away and cannot be with them since I am stuck in Canada. I knew I could provide help and support for my parents because they really need a break. They are the strongest people I know and it is amazing to see how they deal with it all the way they do. They are my pillars; they always will be. My mother and father both put a pretty strong shell and armor around themselves to protect from being too emotional while dealing with doctor appointments like crossing off checklists.
Even though I was never particularly super close to either of my grandfathers, they are people I love who became lights in my life. What happens when the lights go out or the flame gets smaller? One grandfather, for example, has a brilliant mind and a wonderful sense of humor. He said a couple of days ago that he has “a little bit of cancer” but it will be okay soon. He will never get out of the hospital again. I am crying while typing this. These days, his mind is all over the place but he used to answer questions I had about life. He had knowledge, books and so many interests. Initially, he joked about the hospital and how tedious this all is and how happy he will be when it is time to go home. My heart broke yet again.
I do not know how much longer they both have to live but I am actively griefing because I cannot be there, cannot help or see them one more time. My parents say it is better that way and that I should remember them the way they both were but I kind of need to say my own goodbye to them no matter how they look or feel. I speak to my mother almost daily and some days the grief feels all-consuming. Some days, I cannot see or think clearly and I am totally bound by it all. It is almost physical pain. I have never experienced anything like this before and I hate that I am not in control of my feelings. Sometimes it is hard to simply breathe. I speak to my closest friends about some things and how I feel but my friend and his parents are incredible and know the entire story. They allow me to just be in that grief, be me and are supportive with everything else I am going through these days. I am very fortunate and they are my rock here in Canada.
Both of my grandfathers influenced me and added something to my life which is a wonderful thing. Since they have been hospitalized, it has been a lot of waiting. Waiting for answers, waiting for treatment, waiting for possible care and transport to a different department in the hospital, nursing homes, palliative care, waiting for doctors and nurses to comfort them, and waiting for people to tell what to do and how to do it. And then, in the end, you just wait to say goodbye and hope you won’t miss your last chance to do so. I did not travel back home to Germany that often. Maybe once or twice a year but I was always well aware that every time I said goodbye (especially to my grandparents) it may be the last time. When I saw both of them last year telling them I won’t be back home for some time now they both shook their heads like children and told me again, “no, no, no you will be back again soon”. I hugged them, said goodbye, left and believed deep inside that there would be another chance to see them both again.
In June last year, my grandmother told me that my grandfather looked at a picture of his brother who passed away a couple of months ago and said, “I will see you soon and be with you again”. The last time I saw both of my grandfathers was March 2018. I wish I would have a chance to see them one last time. I am afraid of this deep, hollow ache when they pass away. I read somewhere that grief never goes away, but life gets bigger, so sadness doesn’t feel as big. Their little flame is still on and I will make sure to keep their spirits alive.
“You will lose someone and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” — Anne Lamott
All countries have their own weird traditions and behaviors and Germans are obviously no exception. I am German myself and a lot of these habits I only realized were completely bonkers after I left Germany and moved to another country. I just thought, this is…
At this very moment, I am here. Sitting on my carpet in the living room typing along. It is dark outside, and very cold. It is just another day and night and I did what I needed to do. I got things done all day…
I moved from New York City to Canada in August 2016 and my inaugural winter was a catastrophe. I did not own a proper winter coat or waterproof boots and did not see the need for it either. Initially, I thought I can get away with a pair of normal winter boots and a jacket that I can combine with something warm and lighter underneath. “That should do the job, ” I thought. It starts getting significantly colder here in Ottawa at around November 1st and I realized quickly, that my winter outfit needs to be improved. My friend tells me I have to toughen up and stop fighting the cold because I cannot change it. He uses the words “embrace the cold” actually. Again, I chose to live here but I take freezing temperatures (anything – 25 Celsius) personally. “Why are you doing this to me, winter?”, I hissed into the ice-cold wind the other day while jogging along the canal. Whenever it is super cold but there is some sunlight during the day, I am fine. It becomes challenging when it is just gloomy for days, more snow accumulates that then turns into ice followed by more snow. “The good times are gone”, I said to my friend who told me that spring is just around the corner. He means well.
That first winter went on forever and I thought that this will be my last one in Canada. “I cannot do this anymore, ” I said to myself one morning in late March when I found out that another snow storm was around the corner. Then, some sort of miracle change happened and summer was here, just after one short week of spring. I am not exaggerating. This is Canada-weather at its best. During those long, cold months, I need something that cheers me up and makes me less depressed. Being indoors and not able to “play outside” makes me really sad.
According to research I have conducted, 2-3% of Canadians struggle with seasonal affective disorder (SAD) which is a type of depression. This sounds like a small percentage, but the disorder affects nearly a million Canadians (and one German). SAD typically occurs within the long fall and winter months when there is just an average of 2-4 hours of sunlight (if even) per day in comparison to spring or summer when there is an average of 8-10 hours. Without enough sunlight, Vitamin D (the “sunshine Vitamin) levels in the body are very low. Symptoms usually are a feeling of depression, low motivation, energy, and fatigue, anxiousness, change in appetite (weight gain or loss), poor concentration and sleep problems to just name a few.
So, why is sunlight so important? Vitamin D levels in the body are increased through sunlight as it is synthesized through the skin and then triggered by exposure to UVB (Ultraviolet B) radiation. Research that examined the relationship of Vitamin D to SAD has found that just one hour of light therapy or exposure to sunlight can dramatically reduce SAD. According to Haas (2006), Vitamin D regulates bone formation. If Vitamin D is low, blood levels of calcium and phosphorus decrease and the body pulls these minerals from the bones which then may create demineralized and weak bones.
The sunlight (or lack of it) can cause hormonal changes. To make this easily understandable: serotonin levels drop and melatonin (our sleeping hormone) increases. The pineal gland, which is situated just above our cerebellum at the same level as our eyes, is responsible to produce melatonin. So, if there is limited amount of sunlight we find ourselves starting to get more and more tired throughout the day. I supplement with this Vitamin D product (the active form of D is commonly known as D3 or cholecalciferol which is the best!) and it seems to help me get through these super long winters in Canada easier. Make sure to either calculate your optimal individual intake for Vitamin D if you know how to or ask a pharmacist. Of course, I take every opportunity to expose my face to the sun and eating an adequate amount of vitamin D-rich food such as fatty fish (salmon, tuna), eggs, etc.
Serotonin is a chemical produced by our nerve cells and acts as a messenger between cells. Usually, serotonin goes hand in hand with tryptophan (like peanut butter and jam), which is an essential amino acid and needed to produce serotonin. A what? Essential amino acids mean our bodies cannot make it and therefore we should eat/add it. Tryptophan also promotes calmness, sleepiness, and relaxation. Before taking or recommending supplements, I rather choose to get the same effect through eating tryptophan-rich foods such
Excercise. Other holistic approaches that help me get through this cold season are to exercise and to spend at least 30 minutes outside working out, especially if and when there is sunlight. Working out could just mean to take a faster-paced walk in the park if jogging is not your thing. Simply, just move and breathe in fresh air to reduce mental fatigue.
Essential Oils. I discovered Saje Pure Essential Oils a while ago and fell in love. It is a Canadian company that produces 100% essential oils. A Christmas gift to myself was their little pocket pharmacy with 5 essential oils good for stress release, eater’s digest, pain release, to strengthen the immune system as well as the ultimate peppermint headache oil. In several courses I have taken at The Institute of Holistic Nutrition, essential oils have been mentioned and their benefits explained. I use essential oils first instead of traditional drugs or medications; for example, peppermint oil as a headache remedy and lavender oil to sleep better and relax. I would like to share some essential oils that help me and are beneficial for Seasonal Affective Disorder:
Be happy. Be healthy.
RESOURCES
Haas, E.M. (2006). Staying healthy with nutrition – The complete guide to diet and nutritional medicine. New York: Random House Inc.
From the bridge, I see the shoreline shift, move away upstream. A flow in the strong current plows toward the pillar beneath us. The ice solid, an island glides in the roiling water and strikes. Slush drives up the pillar, the ice sheet cleaves in…
