.SOMETIMES RAW.

“When you can’t look on the bright side, I will sit in the dark with you” — Alice in Wonderland 

Death is part of life and a completely natural process. There is nothing to be afraid of, right? “I don’t want to live anymore”, one of my grandfathers said many years ago. The other one said, “Let happen what happens. I am old and had a good life”. Both of my grandfathers were very resilient to this point in their life; they are in their 90s. One was very puissant back in the days being a photographer for a big German company. He never gave up photography either which was amazing. The other one loved to roll around with us on the floor, sing songs, tell stories and build caves and forts with blankets. 

I am going through a very rough time these days and need to write some of this pain I experience off my chest. Without going into too much detail about what happened but both of my grandfathers are about to pass away. Strangely, they were both admitted to the hospital almost on the same day which was devastating even though sort of expected. One grandfather has been ill for quite some time but the other one was okay. “I am so confused in my head and I feel this dull pain; I am not sure where I am,” one grandfather used to say when he still recognized Joel and I. My grandmother thought back then that he had already escaped. And so did we. Nothing was the same anymore and things drastically slowed down. My grandparents usually call me once a week and every time I spoke to either of them I heard their voices a wee bit smaller to the point where my grandmothers took care of all the talking. Watching a loved one suffer through pain and agony is horrible. “Grandpa is sleeping most of the day now because he is very tired and cannot be on the phone”, my grandmother said. 

When I found out a couple of weeks ago that they are both hospitalized, I was full of premature grief. Or was it grief in anticipation? I am 8000 km away and cannot be with them since I am stuck in Canada. I knew I could provide help and support for my parents because they really need a break. They are the strongest people I know and it is amazing to see how they deal with it all the way they do. They are my pillars; they always will be. My mother and father both put a pretty strong shell and armor around themselves to protect from being too emotional while dealing with doctor appointments like crossing off checklists. 

Even though I was never particularly super close to either of my grandfathers, they are people I love who became lights in my life. What happens when the lights go out or the flame gets smaller? One grandfather, for example, has a brilliant mind and a wonderful sense of humor. He said a couple of days ago that he has “a little bit of cancer” but it will be okay soon. He will never get out of the hospital again. I am crying while typing this. These days, his mind is all over the place but he used to answer questions I had about life. He had knowledge, books and so many interests. Initially, he joked about the hospital and how tedious this all is and how happy he will be when it is time to go home. My heart broke yet again. 

I do not know how much longer they both have to live but I am actively griefing because I cannot be there, cannot help or see them one more time. My parents say it is better that way and that I should remember them the way they both were but I kind of need to say my own goodbye to them no matter how they look or feel. I speak to my mother almost daily and some days the grief feels all-consuming. Some days, I cannot see or think clearly and I am totally bound by it all. It is almost physical pain. I have never experienced anything like this before and I hate that I am not in control of my feelings. Sometimes it is hard to simply breathe. I speak to my closest friends about some things and how I feel but my friend and his parents are incredible and know the entire story. They allow me to just be in that grief, be me and are supportive with everything else I am going through these days. I am very fortunate and they are my rock here in Canada. 

Both of my grandfathers influenced me and added something to my life which is a wonderful thing. Since they have been hospitalized, it has been a lot of waiting. Waiting for answers, waiting for treatment, waiting for possible care and transport to a different department in the hospital, nursing homes, palliative care, waiting for doctors and nurses to comfort them, and waiting for people to tell what to do and how to do it. And then, in the end, you just wait to say goodbye and hope you won’t miss your last chance to do so. I did not travel back home to Germany that often. Maybe once or twice a year but I was always well aware that every time I said goodbye (especially to my grandparents) it may be the last time. When I saw both of them last year telling them I won’t be back home for some time now they both shook their heads like children and told me again, “no, no, no you will be back again soon”. I hugged them, said goodbye, left and believed deep inside that there would be another chance to see them both again. 

In June last year, my grandmother told me that my grandfather looked at a picture of his brother who passed away a couple of months ago and said, “I will see you soon and be with you again”. The last time I saw both of my grandfathers was March 2018. I wish I would have a chance to see them one last time. I am afraid of this deep, hollow ache when they pass away. I read somewhere that grief never goes away, but life gets bigger, so sadness doesn’t feel as big. Their little flame is still on and I will make sure to keep their spirits alive.

“You will lose someone and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” — Anne Lamott

I moved from New York City to Canada in August 2016 and my inaugural winter was a catastrophe. I did not own a proper winter coat or waterproof boots and did not see the need for it either. Initially, I thought I can get away with a pair of normal winter boots and a jacket that I can combine with something warm and lighter underneath. “That should do the job, ” I thought. It starts getting significantly colder here in Ottawa at around November 1st and I realized quickly, that my winter outfit needs to be improved. My friend tells me I have to toughen up and stop fighting the cold because I cannot change it. He uses the words “embrace the cold” actually. Again, I chose to live here but I take freezing temperatures (anything – 25 Celsius) personally. “Why are you doing this to me, winter?”, I hissed into the ice-cold wind the other day while jogging along the canal. Whenever it is super cold but there is some sunlight during the day, I am fine. It becomes challenging when it is just gloomy for days, more snow accumulates that then turns into ice followed by more snow. “The good times are gone”, I said to my friend who told me that spring is just around the corner. He means well.

That first winter went on forever and I thought that this will be my last one in Canada. “I cannot do this anymore, ” I said to myself one morning in late March when I found out that another snow storm was around the corner. Then, some sort of miracle change happened and summer was here, just after one short week of spring. I am not exaggerating. This is Canada-weather at its best. During those long, cold months, I need something that cheers me up and makes me less depressed. Being indoors and not able to “play outside” makes me really sad.

According to research I have conducted, 2-3% of Canadians struggle with seasonal affective disorder (SAD) which is a type of depression. This sounds like a small percentage, but the disorder affects nearly a million Canadians (and one German). SAD typically occurs within the long fall and winter months when there is just an average of 2-4 hours of sunlight (if even) per day in comparison to spring or summer when there is an average of 8-10 hours. Without enough sunlight, Vitamin D (the “sunshine Vitamin) levels in the body are very low. Symptoms usually are a feeling of depression, low motivation, energy, and fatigue, anxiousness, change in appetite (weight gain or loss), poor concentration and sleep problems to just name a few.

So, why is sunlight so important? Vitamin D levels in the body are increased through sunlight as it is synthesized through the skin and then triggered by exposure to UVB (Ultraviolet B) radiation. Research that examined the relationship of Vitamin D to SAD has found that just one hour of light therapy or exposure to sunlight can dramatically reduce SAD. According to Haas (2006), Vitamin D regulates bone formation. If Vitamin D is low, blood levels of calcium and phosphorus decrease and the body pulls these minerals from the bones which then may create demineralized and weak bones.

The sunlight (or lack of it) can cause hormonal changes. To make this easily understandable: serotonin levels drop and melatonin (our sleeping hormone) increases. The pineal gland, which is situated just above our cerebellum at the same level as our eyes, is responsible to produce melatonin. So, if there is limited amount of sunlight we find ourselves starting to get more and more tired throughout the day. I supplement with this Vitamin D product (the active form of D is commonly known as D3 or cholecalciferol which is the best!) and it seems to help me get through these super long winters in Canada easier. Make sure to either calculate your optimal individual intake for Vitamin D if you know how to or ask a pharmacist. Of course, I take every opportunity to expose my face to the sun and eating an adequate amount of vitamin D-rich food such as fatty fish (salmon, tuna), eggs, etc.

Serotonin is a chemical produced by our nerve cells and acts as a messenger between cells. Usually, serotonin goes hand in hand with tryptophan (like peanut butter and jam), which is an essential amino acid and needed to produce serotonin. A what? Essential amino acids mean our bodies cannot make it and therefore we should eat/add it. Tryptophan also promotes calmness, sleepiness, and relaxation. Before taking or recommending supplements, I rather choose to get the same effect through eating tryptophan-rich foods such as: pumpkin seeds, lamb, beef, turkey, chicken, oats, eggs or bananas.

Excercise. Other holistic approaches that help me get through this cold season are to exercise and to spend at least 30 minutes outside working out, especially if and when there is sunlight. Working out could just mean to take a faster-paced walk in the park if jogging is not your thing. Simply, just move and breathe in fresh air to reduce mental fatigue.

Essential Oils. I discovered Saje Pure Essential Oils a while ago and fell in love. It is a Canadian company that produces 100% essential oils. A Christmas gift to myself was their little pocket pharmacy with 5 essential oils good for stress release, eater’s digest, pain release, to strengthen the immune system as well as the ultimate peppermint headache oil. In several courses I have taken at The Institute of Holistic Nutrition, essential oils have been mentioned and their benefits explained. I use essential oils first instead of traditional drugs or medications; for example, peppermint oil as a headache remedy and lavender oil to sleep better and relax. I would like to share some essential oils that help me and are beneficial for Seasonal Affective Disorder:

• Peppermint oil: Benefits: refreshing, anti-inflammatory, mental-stimulating, cooling. Blends well with patchouli, lemon, cedar or rosemary.
• Lavender oil: Benefits: balancing, calming (mind and skin), mood-lifting, healing, decreases mood swings and insomnia. Blends well with lemon, cinnamon, pine, cedar, peppermint
• Rosemary oil: Benefits: physical and mental stimulant, revitalizing for skin, grounding. Blends well with cedar, peppermint, grapefruit
• Eucalyptus oil: Benefits: cooling, anti-inflammatory, antiviral, deodorizing, energizing. Blends well with pine and cedar (very good cold/flu remedy to inhale with, put under the nose to breathe more easily or put in the essential oil diffuser)
• Lemongrass oil: Benefits: Vitalizing, purifying, regenerating. Blends well with basil, cardamom, spearmint
• Mandarin oil: Benefits: relaxing, soothing, uplifting. Blends well with peppermint, franincese, cedar, rose, lavender

Be happy. Be healthy.

RESOURCES

Haas, E.M. (2006). Staying healthy with nutrition – The complete guide to diet and nutritional medicine. New York: Random House Inc.

 I will always have a real strong romantic relationship with my coffee and The New York Times. No, but for real…

The other day I overheard a conversation on the playground after I picked up my son from school. There was this eight/nine-year-old girl who spoke to her “boyfriend”. He told her he did not like her anymore because there is a new girl in his class. He added that she used to be the prettiest girl he has ever seen but now she is only the second prettiest, so he wants to “break up”. For some reason, I could tell that his message cut through the girl’s third-grade core and how she stopped believing in romance right there while she ran away and cried. 

All my life I longed for something different. Something out of the norm or challenging. Adventure spoke to me always. These days, I am not unhappy, I am just generally more skeptical of things; especially after hearing what this little boy did to the girl at the playground. I wanted to take her aside and tell her that there will be a lot more breakups and breakups and breakups and that this does not mean the world is coming to an end. It is all a learning experience and I know I was faced with the same type of men in my life until I learned my lesson. I learned that I simply cannot make things work when my gut tells me that this will turn out chaotic but I was just too blind to see and understand while rushing head over heels into something new. 

I gave up on all that and embraced a different kind of romance. To be all on my own. A relationship with friends, creativity, art, meditation, adventures, mindfulness and paying attention to what I really want in life. And yet. 

A little voice tells me that romance besides my New York Times is possible followed by an undeniable romantic type of pull of what is yet to be and to come. And in those moments, not thinking about my previous relationship(s), I could not help but wonder if that other type of romance involving another person may work after all. How can I believe in chakras but not in romance? I mean, all it really needs is two people pulling on the same string most of the time to make it work which does not sound so impossible or difficult. 

My problem was that I developed a clear idea of how I thought love should feel and how I could get this feeling in my life. I am an avid reader and obtained a lot of my relationship-knowledge from articles and books I have read throughout my teens, young adulthood and later on. Then I started to listen to Esther Perel to cope with my divorce.  According to her, a partner should never complete you. You complete you, your partner simply adds to your life because you are whole on your own. 

I clearly remember the point I fell in love. For real. The healthy kind. The good, nice guy. And I was shocked and horrified at the same time to experience a feeling that I thought I lost. I was suddenly feeling “fuller” or “more whole” if this makes any sense. I felt more secure than ever, there were no lies, no bs, no debt, no questionable purchases and fantasies that seemed to be out of a J.R.R. Tolkien novel. I asked myself initially if this feeling of awesomeness is okay because there was a sizable piece of my heart that has been missing, numb or was inaccessible for quite some time. 

I am fine on my own. I love to be by myself but I am also happy in a healthy relationship. Where it gets sticky for me is emotional dependence and trust. I do not want to be dependent on that other person emotionally or financially. The thought of dependency makes me cringe. Being in a long-term, normal and healthy relationship, I think it is okay to need the other person because you are committed to each other. You take the time and speak about problems and find solutions but do not cheat and justify it by making up excuses. 

A couple creates memories and plans a future together. You are covering each other, over and over again. I read this article, that ” intimate partners’ bodies become physiologically entwined and your partners’ soothing presence reduces your stress level and helps you feel more at ease”.  This sounds awesome and I feel it, but I believe to be in a romantic relationship it is important to be independent. I also want a more well-rounded way to describe my partnership in which there are two “me’s” and a “we”. I enjoy that warm, comforting emotion – that feeling where my heart feels so full and content at the same time. I will embrace love’s wholeness without fear. And if things do not work out, there is always The New York Times and coffee.