.SOMETIMES RAW.

Did he swallow a bat?  Oma and Opa sent a package from Germany and in it was this amazing jar of Nutella. Do I, as a holistic nutritionist to be, agree with this? YES! It is all about balance and moderation. Like it is with everything in life. Eating Nutella once in a while is not a bad thing because I feed my son many good things and make sure he eats nutrient-dense foods most of the time. He is a very strong, healthy child overall so I think I do something right.

He turned five in October and I have to say, this is the most amazing and stressful time.  Now I experience single parenting at its best. I have help from my friend(s) and my friend’s parents but most of the time, I am sailing this ship alone making sure it does not sink. Joel is a very easy child. Raising and getting to know him while connecting with his soul is awesome.  I can have a normal conversation with him. He understands, he responds, and he is so involved into science, art,  building and creating things. I can take him anywhere I want to go, and I do because I cannot afford a babysitter. I sometimes feel that he knows I am struggling and that this is a very difficult time in my life, so he behaves and helps me most of the time, ha.

The other night, Joel and I visited a friend for supper. We walked to her place and suddenly, Joel turned to me and asked, “Does the universe end? Is there a wall or something?” Ahm… yeah, big question, Joel. We passed a man walking his dog (“cute doggie, I want one”) and I told him about the universe expanding, and the work of astronauts, reminded him about the exhibit we have seen at the Space and Aviation Museum (Life in Orbit) and that time we met his hero Chris Hadfield. When Joel asks questions and then after I explained it to him, asks another follow-up and another one, I have explained the meaning of life to that child in the end.  I love it because it reminds me what is important and to simply listen to him.  For some time now, he is getting really curious about the world around him and wants to know how it all works.  He is at such a sweet age where everything feels enticing and magical.

How awesome are kid’s questions? They just drop them into regular chit-chat. Apparently, children ask an average of 73 questions a day, which sounds about right.

There are a few more that Joel has busted out lately:

Is infintiy a number? Mommy, show me the Pi-number? Well, since I am really good at math, this turned out to be no problem at all…

Does the moon really always follow us? Where is the Northern Star? (show me, show , me show me…… )

How do we make water?

Do we bury bodies or just skeletons? Can I dig one up? Why not? When ghosts show up in my dreams, are those dead people?

Where was I before I was born? (Seriously, 5 years old)

Mommy, do you need to pay the bank to get some money?

Mommy, you always tell me not to eat so much before swimming. WIll I get a cramp if I eat and then swim? What if I swim and THEN eat? Or if I drink and then eat, then swim, then sleep……… [this usually goes on forever]

Mommy, can you believe that living things MAKE living things? Me: Yes, my love. Him: Like, BIRTH living things. Does that hurt? Me: …..

Mommy, why can’t I see my eyes?

Mommy, where do babies come from? Me: Ask Kevin.

Mommy, what does love mean? Me: when someone likes someone a lot. Joel: So, I love you forever. Me: sigh…. (tears)

Here are some more fun things my son is concerned about:

Joel sees how my friend plays the guitar and he wants to play, too. I asked him the other day if he would like to take lessions. Joel shook his head: “I don’t want to play real guitar yet. I like when Kevin shows me how to play but for now, I rather want to play pretend guitar.”

On a snowy, cold day this week: Joel: “What a great day to play basketball or soccer”. Me: I don’t think it is possible. Everything is covered in snow. Joel: “Let’s call Keith. He will go with me to the soccer field and play forever if you don’t want. Then we have ham steak. Don’t worry, Mommy.”

“Mommy, how long until I am older than you?”

Joel: “What does revolution mean?” Me: “Where did you hear that word?” Joel: “A song on the radio.  (long pause) The song went a bit like something, something, something, something, something, revolution, something, something, something, something, something,….”

Joel: “I made two new friends at school today.” Me: “That’s awesome. What are their names?” Joel: “I don’t know their names! I can’t remember everybody’s name!”

Today, we celebrated Joel’s birthday. I still cannot believe he turned 5. In the morning I walked in his room with a homemade muffin and a candle in it singing happy-birthday.  He got dressed quickly because he knew his gifts were in the kitchen. Thank you Oma and Opa in Germany!!! We had breakfast, talked about our dreams like every morning but one question came up. “When someone does not call or send a gift on my birthday, does this mean they don’t love me?” I told him, that sometimes people are very busy and have no time but they still love you and sending gifts does not mean someone loves you. It takes a lot more than that. These are just materialistic things. He was fine with this explanation.

All his friends came over to our apartment and this birthday party was fantastic. Wine for the parents, food, snacks, candies, and the kids played so nicely in my son’s room for almost 2 hours straight. I had games planned, stories I wanted to read to them but they seemed so calm and content. No tears, no fights, I just let the kids be kids and play. No entertainment needed. This made me think of my birthday parties at my parents’ house. It was always awesome and comfortable. Often, I tie memories and experiences in my life to the things I had during those times. How much fun I had as a kid during my birthday parties; I want my son to experience the same things. Family, comfort, safety, and calmness even though these kids were losing it playing. [Joel’s room is still a disaster but who cares]. And I know he will remember this party, these feelings, and emotions he had because he lived in the moment. And so did all his friends.

While I sat in the kitchen with parents who wanted to stay and decided to hang out at my little apartment I thought about living in the moment. I sat there with them, we talked and it felt good. There were no problems. Often, the only difference between a problem being powerful is a sense that we chose it, and that we are responsible for it in some way. But if we shift our mind and say that it is all okay and it will all work out, it will. And experiences and memories shape us into who we are in this exact moment. While talking to the other moms I realized that our memories are built into us, and make us who we are. It was amazing to listen to some stories one mom shared about importance. While we may not remember the exact situation or times that something important happened in our lives, the results are within us. And they shared some of those experiences while the children played. It was awesome. After all, we have evolved to become the people we are today because of those past experiences.

Most of the guests left at around 6.45 pm. Some really close friends stayed longer. It was awesome to talk and hang out and chat about Panda Watch. Eventually, the guests left and we took my son to bed. He curled up and told me that he loves us and said thank you for everything. My heart melted. I cleaned up and started working on my assignments for school when my son called me again. He was still up because he was so excited and wanted to cuddle with me for a bit.  While I climbed up in his bunk bed he asked me who my (super)hero is. I told him that I do not have a (super)hero. He said that he loves me and that I am his hero because I have superpowers to make a party like this. He kissed me goodnight and fell asleep within five minutes. I stayed in his room for a bit longer and wiped away a tear or two.  What a fairytale ending to a perfect birthday party.

Am I perfect? No way. We are all always choosing. Choosing to send a gift, choosing to send an email or making a phone call. There is just this simple realization that we, individually, are responsible for everything in our lives, no matter what the external circumstances are. We cannot always control what happens to us but we can always control how we interpret what happens to us, as well as how we respond. We are always responsible for our experiences. It is impossible not to be, right? Choosing to not consciously interpret events in our lives is still an interpretation of the events of our lives. Choosing to not respond to certain events is still a response.

Am I my son’s role model? Yes! He trusts me. I am his safety and security without shame, guilt, insecurity or blame. Whether we like it or not, we are always taking an active role in what is occurring to and within us. We are also always interpreting the meaning of every moment and every occurrence and choose the values by which we live and the metrics by which we measure everything that happens to us. Even if it is a kids’ birthday party. The real question is: What are we choosing to give a f*** about? What values are we choosing to base our actions on?

I received great feedback for Joel’s birthday party from parents already which is so great. It was my pleasure! As it turns out, these days I have had many worthwhile parenting experiences on my own. Do you want to know my secret?  I share emotional stability, I am warm and friendly, energetic, compassionate, and intuitive but also open, sincere and excited about life. This is such an easy way to give and receive love and have healthy relationships with people (like this afternoon). But what it all boils down to is that my heart is full, as is my life.

You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching,
Love like you’ll never be hurt,
Sing like there’s nobody listening,
And live like it’s heaven on earth. – William W. Purkey

I am here at my desk, the cursor patiently blinking while I stare at the screen. Hey, now, after I typed a couple of words, it is a slightly less blank page in front of me. Scrolling through my website after almost three years of initial daily then once/twice -a -week-blogging I find it still amazing how much fun I have with it all. Sometimes, it takes me a while to get started even though I have the concept all laid out in my head. Even the most mangled piece of writing if less intimidating than the empty sheet, right? In these moments when I type, the possibilities are infinite, and that is scary. Writing for me is not easy. First of all, English is not my first language and even though I have a plethora of idea, it takes time to type it all out to make sense. Publishing my book was also a struggle and for some reason, I thought that writing would get easier over time. But it has not and this is what I really want to write about. What I want to say here is that I am not a great writer and I am fine writing or saying this.

Know that it is not out of self-deprecation that I suggest this. You may have come to this conclusion on your own already, in which case, I am glad we are on the same page. I am also not saying this out of a lack of positive affirmation, or a fake-it-til-you-make-it attitude. I got all this down. I am an overall positive person who feels incredibly blessed in so many ways.

My readers have to understand that when I started writing in English and in a formalized educational setting, I found it incredibly frustrating to craft sentences and paragraphs that properly reflected my feelings towards what I wanted to say in German but that needed to be translated in my head into English. Small inflections and emotions were completely lost on my attempt at a long-form written piece. It sort of almost always fell flat. I felt like my essays would miss an entire element of what I am actually trying to say (in German). I have known this all along, but what has me in a strange conundrum is that my book is selling like crazy after just two months of publication which makes me so happy. People love to read what I have to say, even if English is not my first language.

When I started blogging in 2015, I thought the idea was to write a lot, consistently improve my writing as time continued, and then success. I thought I would eventually get better at sharing ideas and thoughts while giving the reader an inside perspective on my experience, all while at the same time crafting beautifully languaged (sp? or did I just create a new word?) word art. Maybe I have gotten better at writing over the last two years or so, but what really ended up happening was that I started comparing my writing to other writers who I deeply respected. Following my blog for some time, you may know by now that I am an avid reader. What I came to view as great writing, was not what I had been doing. I was what they had been doing and continue to do. I do not consider myself to be a competitive person, however, I have continually tried to fit my writing style into what I thought good writing was supposed to be. Hypothetically sort of like, I am the “New Nora Ephron” in some way.

The funny thing is that some of my most popular posts came from a time when I could not have cared less about writing well at all but simply just had this idea to communicate ideas and tell stories without a concept. Initially and back when I did not think anyone was actually reading my writings I was the freest and perhaps that is what mattered most. That is the thing for me when I write. I want you (the reader) on this journey with me and somebody is reading all this, but at the same time, I want to write in a way that is still my speaking voice. I want to reach through this screen and hug your brain with my feelings, thoughts, learnings, and failures while really opening up in a way that should help all of us.

Whenever I am writing, I want to give you the real Daniela, not good-writer Daniela, but just, writer Daniela. So I think that is what this is now, a return to origins, perhaps, a more casual writing style, and more direct access to what I believe is the real me. Authenticity is scary as hell but it is the only way forward. I am authentic and I put myself on the line. Why is it scary? Because as a writer, I have to face the fact that my true self might not be enough to get the job done. That is a risk that I am willing to take though.

I have to keep in mind that expectations and competition can help, but it may be destructive, too. It is great to seek inspiration from those I admire, but I should never let it prevent myself from sharing my own perspective in a way that makes sense to me. The good thing is, everyone is different and that is what makes us great. Realizing all this is incredibly freeing. It releases me from the boundaries of my own expectations. Maybe this little essay encourages you to let go of what you may expect of yourself so you can simply be what you are. You may be surprised by the result. I am far from perfect, and most likely always will be – like everybody and everything.