.SOMETIMES RAW.

Imagine you are doing exactly what you always wanted to do. Now close your eyes. Is it to travel to Australia? Learn to surf in Hawaii? Get a puppy or kitten? Write and publish that novel?  Imagine this day has arrived. Now open your eyes. How did this feel?

We all have dreams, things, goals, persons or places we think about in empty moments. The simple thought of those dreams could make us smile, tear up or laugh. It is there and lives within us all the time. A couple of months ago, when I started reduced the noise around me, my dreams got louder. When I found this space within myself that is quiet and I take the time to listen, I can hear it speak. It speaks and guides me. The more time I take to listen, the more knowledge I gather from it. The more I know, the less I fear.

Then, I realized that I am actually living my dream instead of simply day-dreaming. This is my reality now. I have spoken about my dream(s) in previous posts and my family and close friends have been hearing about it for some time now. Yet, good things take time and patience. Like a temporary work visa or becoming a permanent resident in Canada. All this aside, I am pursuing my dream of living and hopefully soon working here. There are so many stories I will soon share; stories about the process of getting here, of settling down, immigration struggles since all this definitely did not happen overnight.

I do not want people to think that trying to stay and living in this country is easy but I want you to know that it is possible. While every risk comes with challenges, it also comes with rewards and so far, in my two years here, I have witnessed magic almost every single day. I will start with this:

Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt. There was a time in my life when people told me I cannot make it on my own in this country. Repeatedly been told, it created fear and self-doubt within me. It made me think if suggested alternatives actually work better for me but after analyzing them thoroughly, I knew that those will make me feel bad in the long run and are not good for me. The thing that I have learned recently has been that I do not need to fear anything. In order for me to action my dream(s), I simply have to believe I can do and deserve it since I put so much effort, time and energy into this. I have to believe in my abilities and my self-worth which is very strong. My self-worth is what sustains me when it gets hard or I hit a block. Being selfish is not a bad thing. I just put my “self” (and my son) first.

This recent journey, even though painful at times, has truly been the biggest and best experience of my life. I have learned so much about myself, about making things happen, on how to survive, on letting friends help and support me, being resourceful, watching money even more, and most importantly about trusting the path I chose. I never really set any expectations around how I would feel or exactly what would happen once I arrived in Canada. I only knew I will start and finish the Master’s program. Now, that I accomplished that and continued studying holistic nutrition, I realize that the biggest lesson is to renew my self-confidence every day which becomes so much easier. I could not be in a better situation to work on this than now.

Hey you,

I am so glad you want to visit me in Ottawa. Good to hear from you. Unfortunately, I am out of town and it is a bummer that we miss each other. I will be missing in action for a while because my friend and I are sneaking away for a bit to travel and purchase a house in Morocco since we think it is a great investment. We will rent it out later on and get security to protect it when we are not in Morocco obviously. Also, while we are there, we write a book together. It is all planned out. The title is “Faster than the Speed of Love”. We are super stoked about it.  Do you like it? We will discuss all the details when we meet soon.

In any case, I know you are only around for a couple of weeks but here are the restaurants you should definitely check out while in town. For breakfast, you have to try French Insanity. They usually open by 8 am but if you are not in line by  5.30 am, forget it. On their menu is one slice of french toast only wrapped in wax paper. You are only allowed to purchase one and they usually run out by   8.10 am. They don’t serve cinnamon, butter or anything else with it. They also hate maple syrup. Sorry, I know, you are in Canada but their french toast is so good that it does not need maple syrup. Trust me! They do offer ketchup though and for whatever reason three cinnamon-raisin bagels and a large French Vanilla Latte for $6. Go figure.

For lunch, I would recommend Antonio’s. Not the original Antonio’s since the Italian mob burned down the entire building when China Town wanted to invade and take over Little Italy. It is still the best Italian food in town though. I go there, like 5 times a week for lunch. Okay, technically it is not in the city. It is actually a little stand at the main concourse of the minor-league hockey team here in Ottawa; close to the stadium. You also have to take the train to get there and purchase a ticket to see a Senator’s game, but hey, this should not deter you. You will love it. Everything on the menu is awesome. Try the triple layer cake. It is ridic. Overall, the food is to die for. FYI: Watch out for any open trunks on cars close to the river.

If you don’t like Italian food, try Holy Shit Basil. Their food is all vegetarian but you will think it is gluten/dairy free paleo autoimmune diet food. The awesome thing is that they grow all their food right in the restaurant, so you get the real table-to-table experience. Another highlight is that this restaurant is right next to the used-book store that is never open but they have a great selection. Another option for supper: I would recommend the amazingly authentic pho restaurant PHO-Me-NOW. However, you cannot get in there without a Vietnamese passport. It is kind of difficult to track those down but it is so worth it. Let me know if you need help with this and I introduce you to “my guy”. With him, it is no problem if you cannot get your paperwork in order on time. Trust me. They also change your kid’s passport overnight.

Another alternative for supper is “Le Bukowski’s aka The Buck Typewriter“. It is another new French restaurant that opened recently by a guy who is going through a divorce and threatens his wife via emails. Word on the street is that he opened this restaurant even though he got kicked off “Top French Onion Soups where Onions Simmer in Red Wine” because one of his recipes killed a judge and someone else made a way better onion soup. It is a little pricey but in the long run, every course will change your life. Some of them in ways you will never expect. It is all so worth it. The baguette they serve made me realize that I am not really afraid of anything anymore and that I am strong. I mean, wow, right? Try the Absinthe or Ricard they served with or before the appetizer.

Otherwise, Spinners is a great fun diner (diner/dinner). Heads up: the service is a little slow and do not try to get the black bubble gum from the bubble gum machine to eat there for free. You will waste too much money.  The original staff from the sixties is mostly still there. They only added some desperate students who need money. When a server or cook dies, they do not replace them so the kitchen gets pretty backlogged. Enjoy looking at the pictures all around the restaurant while you desperately wait for your food though. You cannot purchase the artwork. If you want the full Spinners-experience order the “Hungry Man”. They put sawdust in it, which Bob, the owner insists is some kind of old tradition. It tastes horrible at first and you think it is the worst breakfast you ever had. The second bite is better though and then you will end up loving it. Also, do not mention that you are from France. Mr. Bob doesn’t like immigrants and has some “opinions”.

Ready for dessert? How come no matter how full you are, there is always room for dessert? Okay, so there is this great place you have to check out. It is called INSecure. It is Japanese I believe. It is close to the hotel where you are staying. Just one block down the road actually. They have this amazing ice cream with savory toppings such as gravy, paprika or balsamic vinegar. The sweet/salty craze is all over town these days since it is so hot.  If you like it, maybe we can go together one day. Let me know what you end up doing while you are in town. And have fun.

I recently turned 37, still studying and unemployed in this awesome country I want to make my new home. When I decided (twice) to leave my stable, full-time jobs to enter into the unpredictable world of academia, research, studying, freelancing and occasionally working at a bookstore, I knew deep down that this was the right decision. My gut told me to go for it while my brain desperately tried to hold on to security, safety, routine, and comfort. Some “friends” told me that I am completely nuts for taking this step while others encouraged me and mentioned that they are proud of me for leaving something I struggled with and made me unhappy to pursue what I am passionate about.

It is all about choices in life. Choices to leave partners and find others. The choice to leave a job that did not fulfill me to find something different even if it means the start will be tougher and uncertain. However, it is something I am exploring and that I really want to do so I step outside of my comfort zone and go for it. Believe me, it is/was hard at points since I am not alone. I have an almost 5-year-old to raise and feed.

I am taking a professional skills development course this semester (best one so far!) and the instructor Lisa J. Weiss (coincidence?) told me things that I have been trying to tell myself on a daily basis for the last couple of months. It was only when she said it to me and showed me new ways to redefine my life by leading from within that it really, truly hit home. If I am being completely honest, the past couple of months have been pretty tough. I have been struggling with my marriage, divorce, and the question where I “should” be in life, what is expected of me, and where I “need” to be and what I actually want. Turning 37 was nothing big for me in terms of feeling sad. It is just a number and another day. The little parties I have had with people I treasure dearly were awesome. However, what has been completely throwing me off recently is choosing to change my career path.

Most days are awesome but others have my metabolism completely drop off the face of this earth and anxiety starts to creep in making me question my choices and life trajectories. Sort of like, “Daniela, you are 37. You should have a house or cottage, duh! (half paid off) and two garages at this point. Your property should be protected by a white wooden fence. There have to be two garages at least, a dog, a cat, two kids (boy and girl) and the occasional Friday-night babysitter on speed-dial who comes over so you and your partner can enjoy a night out. Also, get used to working 9-5 (don’t think you get out by 5 pm though!) and climb the corporate ladder as soon as possible. All this for three weeks vacation a year! Don’t sleep your way up either!”

This all made me think about societal norms and pressures and those expectations others have; but more so, the expectations we set for ourselves. This society wants people to go to school, study, get degrees, then get a job, get married, have children and buy a house. All this btw should be achieved by the time you are 30. If you really think about it, aren’t those acts nothing but a cultural representation of our primal instincts to easier adapt to the environment, pro-create and succeed? Seems pretty lame and boring to me. If it works for you, great. I asked myself a simple question, “Would I rather make decent money and work a job you hate or pretend to be an author, bookstore owner and student for life and be broke for  a while but really loving it?” The answer was immediately clear to me: I chose the latter. Thinking about it, if I try this new lifestyle and fail in a couple of years, I will have to get a real job eventually anyway. Will I have lost anything really? No. I can always add a ton of experience to my résumé and actually enjoy living life in the meantime.

I do not think it is healthy to have humans stare at computer screens crammed in a small, individual cubicle for 8+ hours every day. Are you reading this from your cubicle with a weak internet connection but you are not supposed to use the work computer for personal use anyway? Your office is outdated (Windows or Dell Computers and Windows 98 Software), and you are just sad and hate your life?

Then again, all workplaces are different. You also could watch a pirate copy (in-house made!) while sitting (when you were supposed to stand) on an assigned post. You could work double paid overtime in a greasy phone booth wearing three pairs of pants and a Russian hat while heating your rear with a fire hazard electric coil device. If this is your thing, good! Whatever makes you happy. Deep inside, you know when it is time to leave and change. Whatever bothers you in life try to leave behind. Time is not waiting. But that’s also the beauty of it all, no? Just do something about it, stop complaining and become more self-aware. Also, quit comparing yourself to others. We only have this one life. Do whatever feels right by listening to your gut, then repeat.