.SOMETIMES RAW.

Of course, we ended up at our Sushi Restaurant since we are both addicted to eating it and it is the best place to indulge in “salmon and tuna happiness” in my hometown. We were both happy to see each other again since it has been a long time and so much happened after we last met. I looked forward to this evening, was excited to meet my friend Judith and the evening that lied ahead of us. Our enthusiasm and anticipation for hours of conversations got stronger while we walked through narrow back streets to the tiny restaurant. Since I haven’t been here in a while, I took it all in. Any unfamiliar spots that may become new landmarks or create new memories. Now, since I call this home again for this week, I am seeing my city in an entirely new light. 

We turned into another street and already slow traffic turned into a complete standstill and finally no cars at all. This peacefulness and silence. While we walk, I scan every inch of the street. I scan every façade, every name on the various shop signs, cheese stores, vintage clothing stores, restaurants and cocktail bars. Home. I observed other people walking by who interacted and went on about their lives. I listened to the noise of an ambulance that drove by but I was silent and content. We entered the restaurant and it was empty. Silence. 

While we ate and she spoke to me, I really focused on her talking to me and the background started to blur a bit when I really looked at her and her face. The reason why I was mesmerized by this seemingly ordinary moment was that I felt that it is so important to really listen to certain people with this level of attention. 

She mentioned and eventually told me more about gaslighting which is, according to Wikipedia “a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, hoping to make them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilize the target and delegitimize the target’s belief”. 

I hung onto every single word she uttered, my jaw dropped and my eyes were wide. The world around me simply did not exist. What I was l listening to was a perfect example of a state of flow. The waitress came to bring us our food and I snapped out of it. Why am I writing all this down? Because my friend made time stand still for a brief moment; made me think and reflect. I felt like if I was the only person in the room since I was so fully absorbed and sort of morphed into my personal story itself. I simply captured a somewhat fleeting moment of unedited, pure and authentic human connection while listening to her. I felt like everything else around me fade away while I regurgitated my previous relationship but for some reason, it all felt okay since I was with her who truly listened. This tiny magical moment. She told me about focus and how we constantly feel rushed, scattered and busy to really look at the situation we are in. She mentioned her troubles at work and that without focus, there is actually little to no chance of creating anything of substance and we get nowhere. It reminded me that some people start projects here and then another one over there while in the end nothing gets accomplished. Sysiphus. However, they plan project three, four and five in their head while taking flying lessons and finishing two Master degrees online with an IQ of 164. Without focus, they also damage relationships. 

Tonight, I simply tried to focus on the present moment and time started to feel more expansive. I felt I had a clearer mind, was more fulfilled, inspired, calmer and felt less rushed. The key is to set clear boundaries how far one allows something to continue in their life. Suddenly, life became quieter which was a great feeling since I was all over the place in the last couple of weeks. I also refound magic in the mundane since I kept experiencing these pleasures in life; like tonight as well as several others moments in the last couple of weeks. I realize that those things happen when I am mindful. They happen when I actually pay real close attention to what someone says and does (like cooking shrimp) without being distracted or when I focus on the color of the sky, birds singing or the fresh morning air on my skin while jogging.  

Tonight, I really listened and gave her undivided attention and rediscovered her little quirks, the real beauty of her inside and her unique way of laughing about my comments to the waiter at the sushi restaurant. I treasure our friendship and started to love her from scratch again. Tonight I realized that whatever happened recently in her or my life, in the greater scheme of things, nothing matters more than the human moments right here and now because we cannot turn back time.

Many other things going on in my life simple need time, breathing room and space to sort them out but I know I will feel better in the long run without certain people. I have been reminded tonight that I have to make time count and create space for humans and wonders as well as for creation and gratitude. 

I have been in relationships since I am fifteen years old. Some awesome, sad, weird, awkward, strange; some longer and some shorter. There were a couple of months in between when I was just by myself and I really enjoyed it; however, there was this feeling of wanting to be with someone because it makes me strangely a bit happier than being single or “alone”. I have to admit that I have seen a bunch of BS along the way rather than saying I have seen it all by now which makes me sound and look as if I have had one million relationships. Actually, I have had six solid, long relationships in my life that somehow did not work out.

So, at some point in my life, I was in this relationship. Life was awesome, as it always is in the beginning. Floating on this pink cloud and everything is just fine. Quickly, he and I decided to be “exclusive” and shortly after moving in together since this is clearly the way to get to really know each other. The alarm bells rang loudly and shone very brightly in a deep red like a police car trying to make other drivers aware of a hazard but “let’s just listen to the head, not the gut”, I thought. After all, three months into the relationship I had this feeling I knew this person forever, so why not move in together. This timeline-keeping that I unconsciously did was logged in my brain and allowed me to create some sort of relationship structure.

When other friends/couples told me they did not move in together or they did not take “the next step”, I had the feeling that my relationship was normal. We were normal. Everybody else is just messed up and makes life more complicated than it already is. Who needs all the drama, all the waiting, all the insanity? At the same time, I thought how one person would/could be my one partner since it became somewhat serious at this point. I made legitimate room for another person in my life and in my apartment. Is there a catch?

Is it all too good to be true? Why is it so easy this time? Maybe it is because he is hiding something. Yes, that is it. Or wait, maybe he realizes soon that I am a horrible person to be and live with or if it is too good it means that it all will crash soon. I was also afraid that I have to let go of me, myself and I – the me I have known for so long. The me that I trust more than anybody else. What have I learned from years of dating and being in relationships? Continue reading.

Don’t rush into anything. It all takes time to realize if this person could be someone you want to stick to/hang out with for a while. It is okay to not be 100% into the other person and this does not mean that it is not meant to be. I read on a bumper sticker the other day: “If it is not fun, why do it?”

Am I having fun seeing the other person? Yes. So, that’s that. I learned the difference between a red flag and human flaws. Sort of like, I look in the mirror and say that my hair looks awesome today but I know I am not perfect either and I have to brush my teeth. Does that make sense?

Arguments do not automatically mean something is wrong in a relationship. Disagreements are normal and a learning opportunity. However, when the other person wants to control you and keep you down by making themselves big, pretending they know and can do everything better in a cocky, arrogant way, it is a downer and annoying. Don’t tell me to wipe away my tears and see a shrink or go running but ask why I am crying in the first place. Small words and gestures go a long way. There is a difference between wanting what’s best for me, and knowing what’s best. The intentions may have been pure but that does not mean he knew what is really best for me or what is in my interest.

When things seem to make no sense, they usually don’t. I know people who tell me that they know the laws a certain country applies by simply reading a book or two on that subject. I learned that being in a relationship will most certainly not fix certain problems I struggle with. I do not want my partner to fix anything for me. He can suggest things but do not be all over me. I have experience, I am not a child and I do not need anyone to fix or clean my previous or current life. I do not want a relationship to act as some sort of escape from something else when all I actually need is just a break to breathe.  My flaws are my flaws, my weird stuff is my weird stuff and I am a whole entire person. As life progresses, I realized that romance and idealism start to wither away and good guys don’t always win. I also learned that apparently telling the truth isn’t always the best policy.

The past does not exist anymore and allowing this period of time to cause my pain is counter-productive to this time I have now. I know the future is unsure and cause and effect are things I would and could simplify, but I really cannot. What I can be sure about is my present state, and that this very moment is my opportunity to make the life I want to have. I am a sum of my experiences, including the not-so-proud-moments I have been through. We all make mistakes but are given the opportunity to learn and grow from it. Let’s file it under “experience” but I will pay attention to the people I keep around. I will no longer allow the bullshit that happened to keep me down. It is toxic for me to relive those moments and filing the present tense regret, pain or even depression.

There are struggles and problems in every relationship and there is always a lot involved but the key is to respect the other person since there initially was affection, love, and trust. So now, I send him light and love for his future and then I drop it. 

There are so many things I wanted to share recently but I could not find the time to sit down and write it all down. Tonight I simply type along and reflect because there has been a lot that I have overcome, moved and worked through, dealt with or healed from.  Throughout it all, I have learned so much. I have become so much stronger,  wiser and more confident in the choices that I have made and am about to make in knowing that every time I listen to my gut or I do what feels right for me (and my son) I never regretted it.

This blog post is not supposed to be about me since I do not want to elaborate on all the things I dealt with here. This post is supposed to be a message that I would like to throw out there and maybe someone can relate or maybe even be inspired.

I found myself in a position of being in a very unhappy place. I like to think of myself as someone who is very happy; someone who tries to look at the positive and good in things (most of the time) and learn from everything that I go through. I was in a place that was not right for me. I was stuck, lost and I honestly did not know what to do. It took a lot of time, courage and strength to make the decisions I made and to do what is right for me and my son while looking forward and moving on. All that aside though, regardless of what I went through and the situation I was in or all the details that surrounded it: what I truly learned is just how important it is to always listen to my gut. To listen to the part of me that knows what is right. Trust me on that one!

There are probably times when your gut tells you what is right but it just seems impossible to take the jump or the leap or do it since there are so many hurdles. But doing it anyway while pushing through the fear is what I aim for. Even though some things may be so out of this world and difficult and I feel like how am I going to get past this. Or how am I going to overcome this, feel better or move on, there is nothing more rewarding than looking back thinking to myself, “Oh damn, now I am so much happier as a result!”

I do what is right for me (and my son) and I think that in this life doing just that and being completely honest and true to myself opens different doors in so ways. It makes sense because I know from my personal experience that whenever I have been in a situation and it does not feel right, things don’t usually move and flow as effortlessly and smoothly. Almost like every step I take just doesn’t feel right, is more difficult or I feel like I am forcing it.

But whenever I take a path and it feels good and something really makes me happy, things flow. Things feel easy and effortless. I don’t mean to make one decision and your life will be easy and perfect. I mean making little steps in the direction that feels good and right made me happier, not stressed and more content. I am not trying to plague myself with the coulda-woulda-shouldas of life. Of course, I catch myself wishing I made better decisions and choices in certain situations and I wish I could take back things I have done or said to people but regret is a pointless practice. What’s done is done.

I never want anybody to perceive me as perfect or think that I have figured life out.  I am far away from it. I want to live the greatest life I can live. I want to be as healthy as I can be. Listening to my gut is a priority in my life now and I learned the hard way that numbing or tuning this little voice out does not help.

When I finally started to say “no” to things or when I passed off opportunities that don’t serve or make sense to me I sometimes scared myself. Saying “enough of this” or “no” sometimes means getting kicked out of the safety bubble that feels comfortable and somewhat easy. But life is not easy. Taking this step is often not even as scary as we think it is.

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it is scary. But when it is all set and done we can look back and say, “it is okay”. It is always okay in the end. This too shall pass. Things always work out in the end. We all have been in a place where we stand at a fork of the road and it is either this way or that way. What do I choose? If you know it is right for you, you know it is the right thing to do. And wonderful things will happen as a result. Whatever that is for you. So I trust my gut since there is nobody else out there more qualified to deal with me than myself.