.SOMETIMES RAW.

Hello and Happy Sunday! 

“No matter where you are and no matter what is going on around you, this is the only moment you ever have. Tomorrow may never come, and your past is long gone. The future, with all its promises and anxieties, may never eventuate. All you have is this moment, right here and right now.” – Gala Darling. 

Self-love is important and life is limitless if you do understand that. I am not an expert on this, far away from it actually, but I am getting there slowly but surely. Of course I read everything on this subject I can get my hands on. I heard about Gala Darling before and followed her blog for quite some time. Gala suffered from eating disorders, harming herself and unfortunately much more. She explained a lot about her therapies, tapping and more on her blog so basically, if you read it, there is nothing new in the book. It is autobiographical with a series of homework, bullet points and lists. Let’s say, if you are new to the self-help/self-love scene this book might be great for you. It has a good introduction but if you already dove deeper into self-love it is most likely a bit boring and redundant. 

“Don’t be shocked by the fact that everything in your life feels crappy, and that you can never find a lover who treats you right. All of this stuff comes from not loving yourself. Truly. Everything we do in life comes from a place of fear or a place of love. How often do you think you allow fear to motivate you? How many times a day do you act from a place of love?”

What you will find in the book are tips on what to do when you are sad, how to love yourself and how to find more happiness within. The author also writes about loving others, that can only truly work if you love yourself first. Many tips, homework and tricks can be found in the book along with an easy to read format. What I really liked was Gala Darling’s somewhat energetic, funny voice. No doubt, Gala Darling is authentic and she comes across like as she lives her life according to what she talks about and preaches in her book. She also created the Badassery movement and explains all about it. I liked how she tries to help the next generation of women on how to find joy and adventure and that it is important to listen to your heart. You can have your cake and eat it too! However, for me, the book is simply lacking depth but it is a great beach or bathtub read. 

Is this book for me?

If you like to read something fun with some sort of inspiration, grab a copy of this book. It is most certainly entertaining but nothing ground breaking. Read it if you need a bit of a dose of self-esteem and tips on how to create this life you always dreamt about. If you are stuck in a somewhat soul-sucking job or dealing with a bit of  soul searching this book might lift you up or help you. It is important to enjoy life. We only have this one shot. 

Hello and Happy Wednesday! 

Le husband and I dated for one year and a half before we got married. We moved in together after three months! Crazy? Not at all. We spent most of the time together anyway, either at his or at my place and we knew it is right; it felt right, so we just did it. We saw each other every day. Cooked for each other, spent quality time together on our days off. When we met we both worked full-time at the United Nations and I was about to finish a Bachelor degree and attended school in the afternoon/evening full-time. I am not sugar-coating anything here. It was a tough time. During the week I usually came home at 9.30 pm and was exhausted. He waited for me with a cup of tea, a glass of wine (or two) and something small to eat which made it all okay again. 

Then our son was born and things changed. Le husband went on a mission with the United Nations to Africa and I moved temporarily to Germany with our son. From spending time together every single day to dealing with a long-distance relationship was hard in the beginning. I had my family around for support with petit Joel but the man I love was 8000 km away. We see each other usually every four-six weeks for one week. There were days when it was really tough, the internet did not work, the time differences and so much more. We used emails, Facebook messenger, FaceTime or Skype but it is just not the same than talking to someone face to face. Especially, if something awesome happened. The first steps our son took or the first word(s) he spoke [and amazingly, Papa was among the first five words!] Le husband saw all these things just as videos I made for him. I started this habit to record a little one-minute video every morning after we woke up for over one year. Looking back at all those it is amazing to see how fast our son changed. Imagine, these gadgets would not exist? Technology is pretty awesome! Can someone figure out how to teleport humans through the phone? 

Distance can be a beast sometimes. Especially being that far apart and when I sometimes hear nothing from him for a couple of hours. Horrible, considering the work he does! Even a little note would make me more comfortable but thankfully this does not happen that often. Almost never! 

But guess what? We found our little groove even with a bunch of countries between us. We found out when the best times to chat online are. When it is best to reach him in the desert. Where to stand to have the best connection. We realized that we became better writers. We wrote long emails to each other. Hearing that all-familiar bling when an email from him arrived made me so happy. Making plans for our future helped us a lot, too. Realizing that he will be back home soon helped. When we do see each other we appreciate the time together more than anything else — and of course seeing each other again after a month+ feels always like a first date again. Before he arrives, I am all antsy, check my hair,nervousness and dress up a little. We enjoy being together more since his mission assignment. Distance makes the heart grow fonder! 

These days le husband is here with us in Germany and it is great. We cook, take long walks, go running together, read, go to the movies occasionally [Thanks, Mom] or just sit outside watching the stars while talking forever, contemplating life. Then we laugh so hard that we have tears in our eyes. Life is good the way it is. We appreciate this time together and how our life turned out. Everything is manageable and actually not that bad. Even when I lived with our son alone in Connecticut it was all good. We figured things out, and made others work out better. I changed in a good way; became even more independent and proud of myself dealing with tougher situations alone. And little things that used to slightly annoy me, don’t bother me anymore in the slightest. However, it is always better for us to be together, obviously. The three of us! And still feeling those butterflies in our stomachs after all this time. Looking at the stars tonight, I remember why I am here and whistle a Chim Chim Cher-ee while holding my husband’s hand. 

Hello and Happy Monday! 

“On a day
when the wind is perfect,
the sail just needs to open and the world is full of beauty.
Today is such a
day.” – Rumi

Today was a Holiday in Germany and my family and I spent the afternoon in Ahorn at the Alte Schäferei. This place is so awesome. This farm had been used as a sheep farm dating back to 1615. Now they have old farming tools and so much more on display at the museum. Every year there are different events and the pottery market/fair is around the second weekend in May. There are other little stands as well such as a soap seller, locally produced linseed oil stand, handmade rings, glass artwork and so much more. Definitely worth a trip! 

However, we took my son. He is 2 1/2 years old and a handful these days. He was terrible this afternoon. One of those days when I wished for a minute or two that I would have taken that birth control pill way back when. He was out of his mind, running around [pottery!!!!], screaming, not listing and in the end crying. H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E! Le husband took over to chase and run after him. For a second I thought about this: “Inside the chaos, build a temple of love.” -Rune Lazuli but then I realized that I am not really able to do just that. Usually, I am running on a short fuse and explode easily. I was angry, screamed and yelled back at him and the situation got worse. The more I scream, he screams. My husband looked at me and told me that I am exactly like him at this point. Initially, I was even angrier but then it made me think about how marriage changes once you have a child. We both try to do the best for him, give everything, try to make it all work. Make him learn, listen and whatnot, but both with different approaches. I am with my son most of the time and I know him pretty well by now. I know what freaks him out, what makes him happy and what things cause a nuclear meltdown. And since I know all this and whenever life gives me lemons when he is losing his mind, I should just grab my Burberry coat, put on my Chanel lipstick and wander through Coburg enjoying myself like I own this place, right? 

When I observed how le husband deals with our son on a daily basis, now that he is here in Germany, it makes me wonder if I could ever be like him. Be consistent and simply don’t give up or don’t give in and don’t let him be the king of the family. When I walk with my son to the bakery he is usually pretty good. He stops at the street, waits for me and stays with me. There are other days, too. But I saw le husband and my son walk to the bakery the other day, hand in hand, my son looked left and right before he crossed the street and I wondered what I am doing wrong. Or maybe it is just because he is not around that much and my son respects him more? Do we establish rules for a lifetime with him already? Does he remember these things we teach him now? 

I do know that petit Joel does certain things to please me and to make me happy. I also know that he does certain things to hurt me. But usually I feel when I tell him something he agrees to it but with le husband I have the feeling that my son knows he MUST obey. Weird! Maybe it is a men-thing, maybe not. It is our duty and responsibility to raise our son to our ideals and what we believe in as well as saying the right thing at the right time sometimes.

I was sick yesterday. It might have been the weather – it is so cold in Germany these days, or the wind at Wartburg Castle that we visited on Sunday. I sat in the kitchen at night and felt that I am getting sick. My head and my entire body hurt, my throat even more and my nose was stuffed. So I just closed my eyes for a couple of seconds and curled up in my arms on the table. Petit Joel sat next to me and ate his dinner. I felt so weak, had a temperature and just wanted to fall asleep right there on the spot. My son said, “Mommy, open your eyes, Mommy. It is not …. so bad. Everything …. be okay!” While he said that he touched and stroked my arm and leaned forward to give me a kiss. I felt so much better realizing that he loves me. That he, no matter how he behaves sometimes, is so cute and loving. He does not intentionally want to make me feel bad. He loves me and he is exactly like I knew he would be when he was still this little tiny worm growing up in my womb building his personalty. And yes, I was so dead on. He is loving, caring, curious and so gentle and connected. And even though he has his little tantrums, he is peaceful. Every single morning he wakes up happy and he stares deep into people’s eyes. My grandfather was here the other day and when I saw both together, playing ( 2 1/2 years vs. 87 years!!!) I felt this overwhelming sense of peace while patiently continuing to raise my son waiting to meet this man he will become one day. 

“The only cure to all this madness; is too dream, far and wide. If possibility doesn’t knock, create a damn door. If the shoe doesn’t fit, don’t make it. If the journey you’re travelling seems to far fetched and wild beyond your imagination; continue on it. Great things come to the risk takers. And last but not least, live today; here, right now, you’ll thank your future self for it later.”
-Nikki Rowe