“Who would enjoy the sun if it never rained? Who would yearn for the day if there were no night?”
Hello and Happy Thursday.
My son Joel is amazing. He asks so many questions lately and I love to teach him and show him the world. My little world and what I know and how I see things. I spoke to a friend recently about death and dying because she lost her beloved grandfather. Loss, death and how to deal with it is tough for some of us. All this talk made me think about how I will ever explain death to my son. I know, he is still so little, too little to talk to him about death. But the question will arise at some point I bet. He already looks sad at a dead ladybug and wonders why it is not crawling anymore. So I have asked my sister and a friends how they dealt with this topic and here are some of their answers.
My friend’s and my sister’s children were both approximately four years old when they first started talking to them about death. They both said to basically put your child in a comfortable spot, where they feel relaxed and be very specific and direct about the way the person died. My friend told me that she said that “Opa’s heart was very sick and it did stop working at some point. It did not hurt him though.” My sister mentioned that when her son was still little they did not even mention death at all. They told him that the body dies and the soul flies up to heaven. She also said that when their son was about 2 1/2 years old they did not mention death at all. They thought that it was better for the child to not get confronted with death at this early stage. [2 1/2 is really way too early]
Later it is important to not say that a dead person just ‘went to sleep‘ because children might freak out every time they have to go to bed and sleep. It also does not work to say that a person was sick. They might think that everybody who has a cold or flue dies because they are sick. My sister said that when her son was approximately four years old he started asking questions like what happens if he dies at some point, or if my sister or her husband die. Or if the dog dies but he did not go further. Now he is turning seven in September and he asks more specific questions like at what point everybody will die. My sister deals with this by telling him that first the older people die or those who are very sick. The child might asks questions like “when will you die mom?” My friend said to just answer that “mommy is healthy and will not die for a long, long time.”
“Each day, we wake slightly altered, and the person we were yesterday is dead,” John Updike wrote, “so why … be afraid of death, when death comes all the time?”
My sister said to be practical when you explain what death means. Sort of like: You are dead, your body gets buried and your soul goes up in the air. Then their son asked: “So then, if the dog’s soul is in the air and I am dead too I will meet him again?” [so cute, these little pure souls]
My friend said to describe that Opa cannot eat, walk or run around anymore. He is no longer here with us. When Opa died [her husband’s father] she told her son that Daddy was very very sad and that he needs lots of love and hugs. She said that it worked for them because her son was interested in how adults reacted to things. In a way like Daddy is sad, Mommy is sad – how can we make them feel better. Also it is important to tell the child that it is not their fault that Opa died.
My friend said that she tells happy stories about the person who died and that you can look through photos albums together. My sister explained that her son never had any problems with separation anxiety because of death questions but my friend felt that her son did not want to leave to go to kindergarten. Whenever my friend and her husband wanted to go out to dinner alone their son freaked out even though the babysitter was there.
To sum this up I want to add that I realized that my son is huge on picking up whenever I feel sad. He just comes up and hugs me. This makes it easier to get over anything if you have these little guys reminding you that you have to laugh and play and everything is going to be alright in the end.
My sister and my friend recommended a book on how to explain death to your kids. I think both books are amazing.
My sister recommends this book
And my friend this one
And this is a painting my sister’s 6 1/2 year-old son painted because he killed a moth [and now he is so sad because the moth cannot fly back to its mother and because the moth is dead] Sniff, so cute, no?!
Do you explain death to your kids differently if you are religious? Maybe some of these tips are helpful to you. I would love to hear from you and maybe you can share some advice how you told your children and at what age.
