A Bit of Small Talk.

Hello and Happy Tuesday! 

Is it easy for you to talk to others at parties, weddings or at a bar? Whenever I am invited to a party and I go there alone and only know the host it is always weird in the beginning. So I just stand somewhere and observe and see what is going on. What type of people are invited, how are they dressed, what is the overall vibe I get. I am more of an introvert  and I caught myself a couple of times going to the bathroom to google what someone just talked about that I had no clue about [weird, I know!] I used to live in Midtown Manhattan on the 15th floor of an awesome building close to my workplace. I vividly do remember the elevator rides up to my floor with next door neighbors. This award silence and then this weird feeling that you have to say something. Do you know what I am talking about? I do practice elevator conversations, don’t get me wrong. But sometimes it is just this ‘weird’ person and you just don’t know what to say to him/her. Imagine being stuck in the elevator with said person for ONE hour. Argh! [Happened to me!]

Here are some tips on how I deal with the small- talk issue. I usually greet people appropriately. I mean, everybody and anybody in this world can say “Hello” back, no? Well, some don’t for whatever reason. The way I have been raised, this is just plain rude. You at least acknowledge the other person – no matter who they are. I also try my best to remember names when someone introduced himself. Calling anybody by their first name in a conversation is sometimes awkward initially but it always gives me a nice, warm feeling if someone does it to me on the other hand. “Hello, Andrew! Nice to see you again!” It is important for me to really listen to what the person has to say. When I am with someone, I am with this person and they get my undivided attention.  NO cellphones and whatnot. At a party I would ask about the person’s favorite book or movie and what they have read or watched lately. Or how they know the host.  People usually ask me where I am from because of my accent. And how I ended up working in New York. And if that usual question “What do you do for a living?” pops up I usually respond, “Enjoying life and my family. Also trying to stay as healthy as possible.” 

Also I sometimes ask for advice. Just something small like, “My website is on my mind a lot these days. I am trying to come up with a blog post for today but I am actually stuck. What interests you these days?” The point here is not to get real advice, even though sometimes it does happen. It is more about bringing some mindfulness into any conversations. I usually use things like that if there are these little awkward moments of silence during a conversation. “Also, are you planing any great trips?” I could go on and on. Hey, I am woman. This is what we are good at. Talking. 😉 

Or maybe those funny answers work for you: 

Q: “Hey, how’s it going?”

In this instance, the speaker is somewhat interested in knowing how you are, but only the smallest details. Don’t over-share, but don’t under-share, either. Keep your answer succinct and stop doing that thing with your hands. Everyone is watching you do that thing with your hands and the longer you stand there, the more prominent the hand thing becomes.

Q: “Where are you from?”

Everyone is looking at you now, so you better not screw this one up. Consider where you were born, and then disregard that fact just as quickly. Your small-talk partner does not want to know where you were born, they want to know where you were raised. Unless — hold on — were you raised in multiple locations? Oh god. Or are they really asking for your ethno-specific place of origin? Oh god, oh god. You better tell them where you were born and be hospital-specific, even doctor-specific. Who birthed you? Why did they birth you, etc.

Q: “Where do you work?”

Go to the bathroom. Now, now, now. This conversation has shifted dramatically, and you need to get out of there. Say something like, “Be right back,” or “Gotta go pee,” but don’t say it too loud, or too weird. Say it normal, for crying out loud. BE NORMAL.

Q: “Excuse me.”

You are in the bathroom and taking up way too much space and this person passing by you on the way to the stall definitely saw you mess up that “where do you work” thing and knows you’re hiding there for the wrong reasons. In my experience, “Excuse me” is always code for “I can sense your fear.” Just explain to the stranger that you’re in the bathroom only to wash your hands and for absolutely no other reason. Then mention a popular TV show like “Game of Thrones” or “Empire” and your favorite character on the show. Wash your hands for about two and a quarter minutes. Now quietly return to the outside world with a smile on your face.

Q: “Want a refill of that drink?”

Here, your bartender is clearly referencing that time you spilled a glass of wine on yourself at Brian’s housewarming and couldn’t find any seltzer water and you went into Brian’s room and threw your wine-stained shirt in his trash and then stole an old button-down shirt of Brian’s that sort of resembled your shirt and tried to make it seem like you’d been wearing it the whole time. Ha ha, nice try, bartender. Quickly laugh so the bartender knows you’re cool and fun, then slowly walk to the other side of the bar, far away from this demon person.

Q: “How’s your family?”

Wait. Didn’t you see on Facebook that this guy’s parents recently split up? If you say your family’s “good” it’s almost like rubbing it in his face, like: “Look at my good family. I’m so lucky. No divorce for this guy.” Say your family is “fine,” but don’t smile while you say it, that way he knows that you sympathize, but you’re not trying to steal his sadness thunder. Also stop doing that thing with your hands, you literal monster.

Q: “What time is it?”

Look at your watch. It’s 6:47. Do you say “quarter to 7”? Maybe. That’s probably safe. But then what if this person has somewhere to be at 7? Now your whole “quarter to 7” statement makes her think she has an extra two minutes to get there. Cut to 13 minutes from now and that person is late for her extremely important obligation. Say “6:48.” Yes. That’s good. Breathe.

Q: “Are you still living in Brooklyn?”

Leave this place. They know too much.

I found this article at The New York Times. And when you are back home after the party you really have enough….. 

Can you believe that we spend 10 full months of our life talking about the weather? 

What’s your take on this? Are you good at small talk? And how do you solve the weird elevator ride with your next door neighbor? I would love to hear from you.